walk with me, let me tell you how alone i feel, how isolated from the rest of the world i am
how i cry every night and hide away from touch
let me give some of this to you, please take it, destroy it, keep it, fling it over a mental chasm, it doesnt matter, just take it please
you can leave when ever you want to, dont feel bound to me, just dont leave me worse than you found me
i need you to be brutally honest, always, no one else will, be what no one is to me
im selling myself to you, ill improve what ever you find imperfect
let me let you feel what i feel, adopt my emotions, but do not nurture them, open the window on a snowy day and leave them on the sil, let them wither away
decay in the coldness they have made me linger in

help me

hoekom was ek so ongemaklik
tipies om nou aan als te dink wat jy kon sê en moes doen
hyt flippen mooi hande
eks mal oor hoe hy sy hare doen
sy naels was skoon
sy skoene het gepas
hyt saam met my die dom meisi uit gekyk (MENS DRA NI PINK EN SWART SAAM NIE!!)
hyt aan my gevat
voor mense
ek was rerig verbaas
vir eens in my lewe het ek nie geweet wat om te se om ‘n ou nie, was ek onseker van myself, ongemaklik, nie die eerste move gemaak nie, en nie myself soos ‘n sekshonger slet gedra nie (ja dit is so erg soos dit klink)
hoekom?

hy bestaan
hoe verduidelik ek vir enige iemand
hoe verwag ek enige iemand moet verstaan hoe ek nou voel
dit is anders, dis nie dieselfde nie
my gedagtes stry met mekaar, het hy dit net gedoen omdat...nee dit was hieroor...hoekom het hy dit gese...want jys...wat dink hy...dit moet iets slegs wees...hy sou my nie se as hy anders voel nie,hy sou nie se as hy nou sleg van my dink nie...dalk is dit wat die stilte beteken...
fokit danielle luister na jouself
dit verg so baie om blindelik te glo

miskiens regeer my wereld, verwurg deur onsekerhede, versmoor en snakend na asem, nou dat suurstof oral om my is moet ek net myself forseer om my fokken mond oop te maak, maar wat van miskien...miskien is dit 'n illusie, dis nie regtig suurstof nie, dis gif, wagend vir my om te laat gaan van my miskiens en toelaat dat ek myself vergryp aan wat om my is, en so ondergang uit te nooi
eks so bang ek kry seer, eks so fokken bang hy maak my seer, dit sou so maklik wees

he was so sure, i sat there shaking

miskien

want drugs...no need drugs

fuck

but i wont...

fuck

i sit alone, rotting, insane in the dark. the curtains rise and fall in the breeze, each lift i see outside, each fall it blocks my veiw. i expect to see you there, to be outraged by the bloody blade, the mess on the carpet, the look in my eyes. u care so much, show up, stop me...

i wait placidly

...fine fuck you, i rip down the curtains, watch me slit my wrists then

Now, don’t cry he said you look so much prettier angry

its hard to breathe
hard not to gag
hard not pray
please god let him stay
thanx he said
for letting me stain your bed
then left me there
alone and bare
just another whore
not a tear slipped past
another barrier cast
how long will it take
for your will to break


.my poem.

Nymphetamine (Overdose)


Evanescent like the scent of decay
I was fading from the race
When, in despair, my darkest days
Ran amok and forged Her face
From the fairest of handmaidens wraith

Nymphetamine

Heaving midst narcissus
On a maledict blanket of stars
She was all three wishes
Sex, sex, sex

A lover hung on Her deathrow
I was hooked on Her disease
Highly strung like Cupid's bow
Whose arrows hungered meat
And the blinding flare of passion
In the shades of narrow streets
Where their poison never rationed
All the tips they left in me

Two tracks
Bric-a-brac
Something passed between us
Like a bad crack
Upward-lit
I'd met another kind

Of rat
In fact
With every Rome inside me
Licked and ransacked...
She haunted at the corners of my mind

In black
Cataracts
Wouldn't whitewash away
Her filthy smoke stack
She burnt me like a furnace
For my future suicide

Lead to the river
Midsummer, I waved
A V of black swans
On with hope to the grave
And through Red September
With skies fire-paved
I begged you appear
Like a thorn for the holy ones

Cold was my soul
Untold was the pain
I faced when you left me
A rose in the rain...
So I swore to the razor
That never, enchained
Would your dark nails of faith
Be pushed through my veins again

Bared on your tomb
I am a prayer for your loneliness
And would you ever soon
Come above unto me?
For once upon a time
From the binds of your lowliness
I could always find
The rights slot for your sacred key...

Six feet deep is the incision
In my heart, that barless prison
Discolours all with tunnel vision
Sunsetter...
Nymphetamine

Sick and weak from my condition
This lust, this vampyric addiction
To Her alone in full submission
None better...
Nymphetamine

Wracked with your charm
I am circled like prey
Back in the forest
Where whispers persuade
More sugar trails
More with lady laid
Than pillars of salt...
(Keeping Sodom at night at bay)

Fold to my arms
Hold their mesmeric sway
And dance out to the moon
As we did in those golden days

Christening stars
I remember the way
We were needle and spoon
Mislaid in the burning hay

Bared on your tomb
I am a prayer for your loneliness
And would you ever soon
Come above unto me?
For once upon a time
From the bind of your lowliness
I could always find
The rights slot for your sacred key...

Six feet deep is the incision
In my heart, that barless prison
Discolours all with tunnel vision
Sunsetter...
Nymphetamine
Sick and weak from my condition
This lust, this vampyric addiction
To Her alone in full submission
None better...
Nymphetamine

Crucify

Every finger in the room was pointing at me
I wanna spit in their faces
Then I get afraid of what that could bring
I got a bowling ball in my stomach
I got a desert in my mouth
Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now

I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Just what God needs
One more victim

Why do we crucify ourselves
Every day
I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
I crucify myself
Every day
I crucify myself
And my heart is sick of being in
I said my heart is sick of being in
Chains

Got a kick for a dog beggin' for love
I gotta have my suffering so that I can have my cross
I know a cat named Easter
He says will you ever learn
You're just an empty cage girl
If you kill the bird

I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Got enough guilt to start my own religion

Why do we crucify ourselves
Every day
I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
I crucify myself
Every day
I crucify myself
And my heart is sick of being in
I said my heart is sick of being in
Chains

Please save me I cry

Looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Where're those angels when you need them?

Why do we crucify ourselves
Every day
I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
I Crucify myself
Every day
I Crucify myself
And my heart is sick of being in
I said my heart is sick of being in
Chains

Leather

Look I'm standing naked before you
Don't you want more than my sex
I can scream as loud as your last one
But I can't claim innocence

Oh god, could it be the weather
Oh god, why am I here
If love isn't forever
And it's not the weather
Hand me my leather

I could just pretend that you love me
The night would lose all sense of fear
But why do I need you to love me
When you can't hold what I hold dear

Oh god, could it be the weather
Oh god, why am I here
If love isn't forever
And it's not the weather
Hand me my leather

I almost ran over an angel
He had a nice big fat cigar
"In a sense," he said, "you're all alone here
So if you jump, you best jump far"

Oh god, could it be the weather
Oh god, why am I here
If love isn't forever
And it's not the weather
Oh god, could it be the weather
Oh god, why am I here
If love isn't forever
And it's not the weather
Hand me my leather

Little eatrhquakes

Yellow bird flying
Get shot in the wing
Good year for hunters
And Christmas parties
And I hate
And I hate
And I hate
And I hate
Elevator music
The way we fight
The way I'm left here silent

Oh, these little earthquakes
Here we go again
Oh, these little earthquakes
Doesn't take much to rip us into pieces

We danced in graveyards
With vampires till dawn
We laughed in the faces of kings
Never afraid to burn
And I hate
And I hate
And I hate
And I hate
Disintegration
Watching us wither
Black winged roses
That safely change their color

Oh, these little earthquakes
Here we go again
Oh, these little earthquakes
Doesn't take much to rip us into pieces
Doesn't take much to rip us into pieces

I can't reach you, I can't reach you
I can't reach you, I can't reach you
Can't reach you
Give me life, give me pain, give me myself again
Give me life, give me pain, give me myself again
Give me life, give me pain, give me myself again
Give me life, give me pain, give me myself again
Give me life, give me pain, give me myself again
Give me life, give me pain, give me myself again
Give me life, give me pain, give me myself again
Give me life, give me pain, give me myself again

Oh, these little earthquakes
Here we go again
Oh, these little earthquakes
Doesn't take much to rip us into pieces
Doesn't take much to rip us into pieces
Doesn't take much to rip us into pieces

http://www.sanguinarius.org

wall?
you stil there?
ofcoarse you are, where would you go?
i need your shelter now
lets take over the world tomorrow, look after me first, just today... i'll be fine soon enough
you know how this damn bandage works?
it looks so small, and the cut's so very deep

im scared wall, its infecting me, they are, their illness
how did i start caring?
just a little while longer i'll hide behind you
my strong wall
never left me have you? ...but then again you cant move
i know WE laughed at THEM, i know iv changed but dont laugh at me

stay right here forever, k?
and il keep coming back, wall, I WILL, dont look so doubtfull, i will, we'll rule them one day, me and you wall...
just me and you my dearest wall
rule them or ruin them

weereens moeni die lees nie engel

wat doen jy danielle
hoe dink jy gaan jy wegkom hiermee
wat doen jy
dink jy die nuwe een is liewer vi jo as ...hy on fokken moontlik
wat dink JY gan Sat gebeur?
slet
sy reuk wou ook ni af ni...hoeveel vanhulle wil jy he moet aan jou vel vasklou? ingeboor en ingebed onder jou vlees, onmoontlik om van ontslae te raak...
ek kani myself vat nie, ironies, nou dat almal anders kan...
aan my vat
wat word van jou
so jy't uiteindelik 'n eerste span man aan jou arm, uiteindelik mooi genoeg vi 1
nes hulle...met i ou nes hulle, i ou nes die res
wat dink jy sien hy raak?
nie wat ...hy gesien het nie
die een sien nie verby jou rooi bra nie
genoeg gevry?
genoeg gevat?
genoeg gekyk?
wanneer gan jy terug gan na waar jy WEET jy hoort?
fok jou! HY BESTAAN NIE
...hy bestaan nie rerig nie, ekt hom uitgedink, was nooit rerig nie... koni wees ni... net i droom
ja jyt NOU i ordentlike iemand, ne??? NE???? ...slet...
sny nou weer, eet nie, blaas jou hare voor skool, rook i paki in 2 dae...waars jy?

weg
leeg
maar aanvaar, ...moerse
nuwe vriende gaan aankoop...ja aankoop, al wat hulle is,is winkel poppe, maar joe hulle dink jys moerse cool...
moerse cool
bitter bessie dagbreek

wanneer stop dit
wanneer gaan ek genoeg he van die? genoeg van die nuwe een se hande op my rug
sy mond inmy nek
ek het al, tot more wanneer ek opdi pawiljoen sit en almal kyk...
Sat Dros toe, Mariska se flat toe, moeni danielle, hoeko dink jy wil hy flat toe gaan, moeni danielle
mar hys hier, hy hou my vas, hy soen my...
waar was ...hy, nerens want hys i illusie, i fluistering van wat jy van gefantiseer het
wats belangriker
slet
fok i sigaret sou nou lekr wees...

ekt jou gese jy moeni lees nie

engel moenie die lees nie

'n hy sal nooit weer aan my vat nie

ek kon nie die reuk van my afkry nie

ek kon nie alleen wees nie

sy baadjie was mooi, warm

sy hande was rof

hyt lanklaas geskeer

hyt my vas gehou by die vuur

sy pa het hulle gelos toe hy 4 was

ek kan nie onthou hoe sy oe gelyk het nie

ek weet nie hoekom ek nie verlief geraak het nie

dalk omdat hy net gery het met die woorde, volgende rally ne?

op sy geel motorfiets

ek gril nou

Fuck it

I guess I like it when we play
(The way you drag me down)
I guess I like it when you hate me
(The way you drag me down)
‘Cause I can’t face myself in a mirror
(I’m left alone with all my pain)
And I disgrace myself in the mirror
(I’m left alone with my shame)

Fuck it! I see you in me
Fuck it! I feel you in me
Fuck it! I’ll heal you in me
Fuck it! I see you in me
Fuck it! I feel you in me
Fuck it! I’ll heal you in me

I guess I like it when we fight
(The way you drag me down)
I guess I like it when you smite me
(The way you drag me down)
‘Cause I can’t face myself in a mirror
(I’m left alone with all my pain)
And I disgrace myself in the mirror
(I’m left alone with my shame)

Fuck it! I see you in me
Fuck it! I feel you in me
Fuck it! I’ll heal you in me
Fuck it! I see you in me
Fuck it! I feel you in me
Fuck it! I’ll heal you in me

You’re out of luck - can’t get a piece of me
It’s all blown up. Don’t even fuck with me.
I cannot please you all forever
I cannot please you at all
(I can feel you coming up behind me)

Fuck it! I see you in me
Fuck it! I feel you in me
Fuck it! I’ll heal you in me
Fuck it! I see you in me
Fuck it! I feel you in me
Fuck it! I’ll heal you in me


Take me away

As beautiful as fire against the evening sky
You feel the lost desire - I no longer wanna die
Take me by the hand and see beyond the lies
Strip away the fences - leave me needing, leave me blind
I know you're solo - so alone but I can't
Take me away - 'Cause I don't wanna lose control
Take me away - 'Cause I don't wanna lose it all
Relieved of all the pain you let me see again
Delivered you my shame now I am lost for what to say
Cleansed and pure and weak, I suffer when I dream
I need to find a purpose - I need to feel you needing me
I know you're solo - but I can't
Take me away - 'Cause I don't wanna lose control
Take me away - 'Cause I don't wanna lose it all
Pure and weak I suffer when I dream
Cleansed of me, I suffer when I dream
Because I want you to stay, you take away the pain
I want you to stay, I need you here to keep me sane
Take me away - 'Cause I don't wanna lose control
Take me away - 'Cause I don't wanna lose it all
I want you to stay - you take the pain away
I want you to stay - I need you here to keep me sane


Empty

I see I want you
Need you
Confront you
I love you to rape me
I need you to break me
Tell me how to sit around
Making my life so empty
Tell me how to sit around
I don’t think you wanna know me
I feel you conceal you
I hear you I fear you
I steal you to heal you
I feed you and milk you
I can’t be, I can’t be
What you want…

[Wierd Stuff]
1. Do u like to sing in the shower: LALALA…WHAT?
2. Do u like to sing: yes
4. Sex: no thanx, sorry, im holding out for some one...(i know thats not what it ment, female)
5. righty or Lefty: righty
8. Do you have a car? yes
9. What kinda car do you have? mini
10. Food: chinese
11. Number: 6
12. Do you plan on having kids: no
13. How old do you wanna be when you are married: 25 or older
14. yes : yes
15. no : no…ok
16. Would you have kids before marriage? no
18. Music/TV: music
19. Guys/Girls: guys
20. Green/Blue: Green
21. Pink/Purple: Purple
22. Summer/Winter: Winter
23. Night/Day: Night
24. Relaxin/Chillin: Relaxin
25. Dopey/Funny: funny
26. What school do u go to: Marais Viljoen
27. What's a major turn on for you: blood

[HAVE YOU EVER...]
(82) Liked your voice?: yes
(83) Hurt yourself?: yes
(84) Been out of the country?: yes
(85) Eaten something that made other people sick?: yes
(87) Been unfaithful?: yes
(89) Done drugs?: yes
(90) Gone skinny-dipping?: smiles…yip
(92) Had a surgery?: yes
(93) Ran away from home?: yea
(94) Played strip poker?: no
(95) Gotten beaten up?: no
(97) Been picked on?: yes
(98) Been on stage?: yes
(100) Slept outdoors?: yes
(101) Thought about suicide?: yes
(102) Pulled an all-nighter?: yes
(103) If yes, what is your record?: im an insomniac, ive stopped keeping track
(104) Gone one day without food?: yes
(105) Talked on the phone all night?: yes
(106) Slept together with the opposite sex without actually having sex?: yes
(107) Slept all day?: yes
(108) Killed someone?: no
(109) Made out with a stranger?: yea
(110) Had sex with a stranger?: no
(111) Thought you're going crazy?: yes
(112) Kissed the same sex?: yes
(113) Done anything sexual with the same sex?: yes
(114) Been betrayed?: too many times
(115) Had a dream that came true?: no
(116) Broken the law?: yes
(117) Met a famous person?: yes
(118) Have you ever killed an animal by accident?: yes
(146) Stolen anything?: yes
(147) Been on radio/TV?: yes
(148) Been in a mosh-pit?: YEAH
(149) Had a nervous breakdown?: often
(150) Considered religious vocation?: yes
(151) Been criticized about your sexual performance?: no
(152) Bungee jumped?: no
(153) Had a dream that kept coming back?: yeah

[BELIEFS]
(166) Believe in life on other planets?: yes
(168) Astrology?: yes
(169) Magic?: ofcoarse
(170) God? : plural
(171) Satan?: no, evil : yes
(172) Santa?: are you telling me there’s peope who don’t?
(173) Ghosts?: to a degree
(174) Luck?: no
(175) Love at first sight?: ummm…
176) Yin and Yang?: yes
(177) Witches?: duh
(178) Easter bunny?: he visits me, you know
(179) Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: yip
(180) Believe there's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?: no
(181) Do you wish on stars?: now and then
(182)Do you prefer knowing someone before dating him or her: yes


TO PLAY I NEVER.
PUT AN (x) IN FRONT OF THE THINGS THAT YOU HAVE NEVER DONE BEFORE
AND A (_) ON THE THINGS THAT YOU HAVE DONE AT LEAST ONCE. ADD AN "I NEVER" OF YOUR OWN.


I NEVER
(_) I NEVER HAVE BEEN DRUNK
(_) I NEVER HAVE SMOKED POT
(_) I NEVER HAVE KISSED A MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
(_) I NEVER HAVE KISSED A MEMBER OF THE SAME SEX
(_) I NEVER CRASHED A FRIEND'S CAR
(X) I NEVER BEEN TO JAPAN
(X) I NEVER RODE IN A TAXI
(X) I NEVER HAD ANAL SEX
(_) I NEVER HAVE BEEN IN LOVE
(_) I NEVER HAD SEX
(X) I NEVER HAVE HAD SEX IN PUBLIC
(_) I NEVER HAVE BEEN DUMPED
(_) I NEVER SHOPLIFTED
(X) I NEVER HAVE BEEN FIRED
(_) I NEVER BEEN IN A FIST FIGHT
(X) I NEVER HAD A THREESOME
(X) I NEVER BEEN SNUCK OUT OF MY PARENT'S HOUSE
(X) I NEVER BEEN TIED UP (SEXUALLY)
(X) I NEVER BEEN CAUGHT MASTURBATING
(X) I NEVER PISSED ON MYSELF
(_) I NEVER HAD SEX WITH A MEMBER OF THE SAME SEX
(X) I NEVER BEEN ARRESTED
(_) I NEVER MADE OUT WITH A STRANGER
(X) I NEVER STOLE SOMETHING FROM MY JOB
(X) I NEVER WENT ON A BLIND DATE
(_) I NEVER LIED TO A FRIEND
(_) I NEVER HAD A CRUSH ON A TEACHER
(_) I NEVER SKIPPED SCHOOL
(X) I NEVER SLEPT WITH A CO-WORKER
(X) I NEVER BEEN SKYDIVING
(X) I NEVER HAVE BEEN DUMPSTER DIVING
(_) I NEVER WALKED IN ON FRIENDS HAVING SEX
(X) I NEVER WALKED IN ON MY PARENTS HAVING SEX
(X) I NEVER HAVE BEEN CAUGHT HAVING SEX
(_) I NEVER LIED JUST TO COVER MY OWN ASS
(_) I NEVER CUT SOMEONE AND MADE THEM BLEED
(_)I NEVER TOLD SOMEONE I LOVED THEM JUST TO MAKE ME OR THEM FEEL BETTER OR LIED ABOUT LOVEING SOMEONE PERIOD
(X) I NEVER EGGED A RANDOM CAR
(_) I NEVER BEEN TO A DIFFERENT COUNTRY
(X) I NEVER BEEN IN THE BACKSEAT OF A POLICE CAR
(X) I NEVER EGGED A RANDOM HOUSE
(_) I NEVER BEEN EXPELLED/SUSPENDED
(_) I NEVER CHEATED ON MY BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND
(_)I NEVER HURT OTHER PEOPLE ON PURPOSE

If I was a ocean or body of water I'd be: a stream
If I was a country I'd be: ireland
If I was a piece of candy I'd be: low fat
If I was a famous building or piece of architecture I'd be: stonehenge
If I was a store I'd sell: books
If I was a bad habit I'd be: addiction
If I was a flavour I'd be: dark chocolate
If I was a disease I'd be: some mental disorder
If I was a feeling I'd be: disapointment
If I was a city I'd be: venice
If I was a colour I'd be: crimson
If I was a movie I'd be: The last unicorn
If I was a business I'd be: madam
If I was a currency I'd be: Euros
If I were a month, I'd be: November
If I were a day of the week, I'd be: Friday
If I were a time of day, I'd be: 2 in the morning
If I were a planet, I'd be: pluto
If I were a direction, I'd be: south
If I were a piece of furniture, I'd be: a single wooden chair
If I were a liquid, I'd be: blood
If I were a tree, I'd be: a willow
If I were a bird, I'd be: a raven
If I were a tool, I'd be: an axe
If I were a flower/plant, I'd be: belladonna
If I were a kind of weather, I'd be: myst
If I were an animal, I'd be: a raven
If I were a vegetable, I'd be: beetroot
If I were a sound, I'd be: screams
If I were an element, I'd be: water
If I were a car, I'd be: expensive
If I were a song, I'd be: funeral march
If I were a food, I'd be: chinese
If I were a material, I'd be: velvet
If I were a taste, I'd be: bitter
If I were a word, I'd be: anarchy
If I were a body part, I'd be: mouth
If I were a shape, I'd be: pentacle
If I were a number, I'd be: 6
If I were a facial expression, I'd be: hurt

i've told you my secret...now what?
tell me what you think....
FUCK YOU!!! DONT ALWAYS BE SO FUCKING UNDERSTANDING!!!!

it's fuct up, i know, just say so...just say what you really think.
what the hell was i thinking? what the hell did you think when i spoke those words?

i do it because of you.
cant you see it's your fault......
(everything's just so goddamn messed up)
....im sorry

i found the path to wisdom along the trail of tears.

"You love me??" ...*pause*...
"Why?!" *defensively*

The tap drips rythmicly into the basin. Diluting the blood that fills it, slowly raising the mixture's level...rising towards the rim. My last lost image, it lapping over the porcelein edge spilling onto the white tile floor.

all they ever told us, all lies...

"i love you"still carved in my left arm. cigarette smoke patterns dance rythmicly towards the ceiling. the last words still etched in my empty mind, utterances devoured by paranoia. 
you stained my dreams like ink infects water. 
empty eyes stare back at me from the reflective scrying pool, not daring to touch me...the cigarette's down to a last glowing ember, i stub it out on my wrist, only a few centimeters away from the purple dots where needles entered this body. 

im sick of trying to save you from me.
just walk away, let me see your back, let me remember the scratches I left there.

lets laugh at them Wall, lets destroy them all, you take the ones on the left ill go for the right.

its only you and me Wall, cement, brick, flesh and spirit, thats all we have to survive...dont look so defeated my dearest Wall, thats all we need to rule this race, they have apes in charge of it now, a nice redbrick wall and a black haired girl would be a huge improvement.

thats better Wall, stay positive.

this is scary, im not used to al this without him...