In order to learn you must first learn to get over yourself and ignore your ego. Humility is the step to self-improvement and gains richer than those in this material plane of existence.

I am hanging on to the fiery light of hope and yet it feels like it's trying to shake me loose.

even in the throes of bitter oppression

they still have free will to choose through fear what type of man they'll be

although free men may die

their choice was theirs and theirs alone to make

you think they wanted to be underneath someones boot

hell no!

their only destiny is the outcome of a situation

whether it be success or failure

those bold enough to stand tall even when confined or with the wind at their back are those who will shape our world

whether it be in the history books or remembered through the bloody sands time

they are those who lived, cried, endured and died

and for that we should be grateful of their blood that watered our freedoms whether it be for our country or theirs

now granted that some of us may be fettered, we're still free in the actions we take

and although we maybe beat down, you can never subjugate a liberator

In war, all the best reflexes and training in the world will not save you if you fail to coordinate with your brothers in arms. In that lack of thought you will damn yourself, your countrymen, and those you love dear.

Here is my latest piece of work they lessened the amount of space available in moods now. v.v here: http://dirkrichards.deviantart.com/art/Lord-Halcion-s-Creed-82064997

It's not even been 24 hours since she's left but right now I really super miss her! Damnit! I hope she's alright and safe. It would appear I'm more attached than I originally intended.

You know what sucks? Meeting someone you think you'll never give a shit about then after years of knowing them realizing that they are more awesome than you originally realized. And so has happened with me. Finally got around to knowing my friend who at first had the title "friend's sister" despite meeting her before I actually met him. And even then that "meet" was at some long now almost forgotten group of friends that really didn't like having you around. Anyways I was branded "he's kind of weird." Which simultaneously describes and inaccurately defines who or what I am. Which is understandable. I wasn't raised normally. I was raised by a lot of different family, family friends, friends and people that I've been fortunate enough to actually get to know. So in turn my outlook on many if not all things is a bit different. But I digress as I am slipping into irrelevance.

Now recently with the finding out that my friend is indeed moving I've been going through a kind of transformation as I am slowing creeping out of my shell to render much needed assistance in all matters technical. And as such spending time with her is making me somewhat attached because I really enjoy her presence. It for lack of a better word makes me feel "alive" which is a feeling I really don't get in daily dealings. Seeing is how I work in places that most of you readers would never dare to tread. Not to be belittle or degrade ya'll with words of negativity but seriously it's draining on the spirit. And so is being in situations that stretch the boundaries of one's patience beyond normal parameters.

This breath of fresh air has allowed me to understand people and to really appreciate a conversation with non-male people. Especially when most of my conversations with others is business formal, argumentative, threatening or insulting. Usually the latter three in a row. Seeing is how my activity in social circles is limited to gamers, pizza jockeys and people I meet online through x box live. Not to say I do not appreciate those relationships. But I do sincerely appreciate my friendship with her.

Of course since this person is indeed female and does have my undivided attention I am in a dilemma as such that I know I am not her type. Granted I am somewhat of an intellectual. I am outmatched when it comes to things that normal people take for granted and vice versa. I've pigeon holed myself here and currently I am in the process of trying to break this mold.

I earnestly think that despite other more attractive and not necessarily more intelligent or even skill suitors I am the better person. Not to be conceited but seriously a foreign accent is easy to duplicate and it's even easier for them to use their stature in a way to manipulate and even attempt to destroy that which I've been carefully trying to preserve and maintain.

In other words I feel threatened and as such... I am confused. It's very frustrating. Since I really don't know how to express myself in a manner that is appropriate and acceptable. Not to say that saying how I feel about something is bad but there is always a lack of timing as in my ability to choose the worst time. Maybe fate and God don't have my fate interspersed with hers but damnit I think sometimes if one is bold they can claim victory over themselves and achieve what others can't. And in this case it would be a simple victory over a part of me so long suppressed. Wish me luck and pray that something good comes of this other than the hurt of rejection.

PEACEOUT!!!
Robin

Wow I like how christmas time comes around and I get blamed for the deficit in funds. I like how I donate plasma, sell my belongings, art and try to work any job possible to make ends meet. Then promptly give the money I do make to my mom so that way the stupid cunt can pay bills. Instead she wastes it on beer, binge drinks and wants to commit suicide. Real nice. Real class. Let me tell you. Fucking horse shit. Then the fucking bitch refuses to go back to work because she got treated like shit. SO FUCKING WHAT?! Learn to deal with it, I get given shit odd jobs all the goddamn time but do I complain? fuck no. I just bite the goddamn nail and finish it. It's not that fucking hard to fucking try, it's not that hard to succeed when the work you are working is FUCKING EASY! It's not that hard to be appreciative of what I do when I can help. And that's another thing it wouldn't hurt to have some kind of emotional support for what I do try. Knowing that I have the backing of my supposed and estranged 'family' would be great but I know deep down inside they're more miserable than I and don't want me to succeed at anything I try in life. They want me to fail so they can call me a loser and a failure. But I much rather them meet quick and bloody ends than torment me in the years of my life that are supposed to shape whether or not I can stand on my own or die trying.

Failure is not an option nor is it acceptable when victory is certain.

I'm getting really fuckin' sick of these new rules on each and every website I go to. Especially ones like ET, EP, etc. It's kind of annoying honestly. Trying to tell us how much we can have, what we can have, what we can do, with our own pages and wikis. That's some hardcore bullshit. If this place is about artists then let the artists express themselves you fuckin' cock sucking faggots. Honestly. You should probably not be overlord dick-heads here simply cause you cannot cope with or control your life outside of the internet. Cause well it's the internet, not the fuckin' real world. It's where we can expresss ourselves without so much a need for any sort of rules, so long as we don't encroach or violate someone elses electronic freedoms. Of course ya'll will get offended and butt hurt and you'll overreact like always and threaten, suspend or ban those who threaten you're all totalitarian dream of the interwebs. We do not come here to please you, we do not tell you how to run your godamn website, we do not tell you how you are to dictate what's acceptable and what's not. Keep to yourselves and we'll keep the goatse out of your forums, wikis and pages.

I've been fighting an uphill battle with life lately. It seems with each foot of ground I gain, I lose friends. And would appear that it's becoming a lonely battle. Not many allies these days and a whole bunch of inconsiderate, incorrigible rabble blocking my path towards a brighter tomorrow.

I've stuck to my guns and tried to be as flexible as possible to dodge these bullets life has been spitting at me but it seems they're just so many and protection is in short supply.

I call for a rally and I get the shaft. People going about their own selfish way when the chips are down and the game is called.

People expecting something from me when they won't change their frequency. Just a whole bunch of fear when change comes a knocking. A whole bunch of cowards running when the tough gets going.

Claim I am the best yet you pass me up for inferiority.
Threaten me when I rock the boat too much but do you realize I am moby dick?

Stay out of conveniences flock away when the weather is a bit unfair.

Courageous Lion or cowardly Leo? We'll know when it gets a bit thick.

I'd like to pool resources and rally in for a big push but it's all petering out when I beacon. No one's heading the call and they'll be on the out and out soon enough when there's no wall to stop the salvo.

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=14484771&blogID=208836565&MyToken=3792a32b-af79-4e6d-97a4-d40a1e5ef51d for those who know what I'm talking about check it out.

Where to start...

Well I never write this damn things not that anyone reads them I just find them frustrating when it didn't go throught cause ET didn't submit it.

Been angry lately over the course things to happen to me and my friends here. On the hunt of this one motherfucker who was responsible for my friends car accident. No success there. Go figure criminals(most of them anyways) are like cockroaches they only come out at night and scurry in dark filthy places that few dare to tread unless they're an exterminator.

Tried to write recently and nothing comes out how I plan it. No writer's block just the signs of burn out. Same goes for art. What's the fuckin' point if you don't got a muse or something to draw inspiration from in this world.

I'm down to a handful of friends. It's cool to see them not cool that the others to abandon have no reason as I wasn't being a douche, some sort of emo kid or loser. They have absolutely no legitimate reason what-so-ever. Cocksucking faggots. "Oh noes he's using homophobe speak111" Tough shit. I don't care about political correctness. Faggot is my way of getting across that I don't like mother fuckers.

I'm not Mohandas Ghandi and of course I got anger issues. How would you feel if someone stomped all over your ant mound. You'd want the motherfucker dead or gone. And hence as such the reason for me writing such a frivolous diary entry.

I love how there's like 8 people on my friendslist here on Et but they either don't have messenger, have an excuse to not be on it or just don't reply until it's convenient to sign off. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Sure there could something legit like an impending godzilla attack, a death in the family, non-severe illness or a need to want to sleep.

Man I wish I could hit the reset button and restart all of time but maintain the knowledge I have so when I have to go through this again I know how to not get fucked over. That'd be great. Sure things may not happen the but guess what they'll happen in my favor. Or at least I think they will. Who knows what mystical forces existing or otherwise might get pissed. Ah the joys of vengeful metaphysics.

Perhaps I should go before I get the title of emo. Whatever. Bye.

Wow! I really hate getting scape goated for someone else's short comings. I really hate always being in fear of having everything fall on me as if I am supposed to save someone elses sinking ship. 

Don't get me wrong I like helping people, I like being active in anything provided I get compensation for my services. I hate serving someone who has it in their capabilities to reward me with money or food or drink but don't cause they don't think it. I surely hope they don't plan on going to sleep at night content with themselves. If they do then they can burn in hell for doing this to me. This coming from people who ask me if I am in school but really don't give a shit when I answer no and explain why.

I strongly dislike being hungry or thirsty almost all the fucking time. Christ I have to ration my food out so I don't starve to death before I get paid measily. I was thriving just 6 months ago, what happened? I know what happened I got fucked out of employment by Joshua Baines Hovis because he decided to tell the manager I wasn't needed cause he couldn't provide me transportation home but I was already getting steady transportation to and fro work from my friend. So fuck that shit I think I deserver a motherfucking apology.

Then around that same godamn time I got fucking blacklisted from Punk shows cause I played a show that I was booked for in my schedule from the last show. I got it confirmed with one of the people who was renting the place I was playing at and I showed up and played. Kicked ass cause my family was there and that was it. No more shows and when I try to talk to the organizer he flee's. I showed up at fucking subway and that cocksucker ran his piggy ass into the backroom. Fuck that shit. Quit hiding, quit talking shit about me and let me play shows you cock sucking fag.

I am tired. I am frustrated. I've been boxed into a corner by people who really don't give a shit and I ain't no fucking doormat. I'm polite and polite is about ready to start kicking some motherfucking ass. So recognize or start hiding.

Well I fell asleep at my desk for like 4 hours. Out cold, face down on key board. Then I guess I hit some dream sleep and had a rash of horrible nightmares. really just flash backs and bad shit that I wish I could forget and never see. It's been taking its toll on me and missing more and more sleep leaves me more and more alienated to my friends and the world. I don't need sleep at night I need to get rid of the shit that makes my life a living hell when I sleep. I don't know where to begin because I've strayed away from the stuff that I know will scare me. Some of my nightmares may help with creativity but it's too much, it's too...intense. It's like someone somewhere flips a switch and things go to shit for me in a heart beat. I just want normal sleep, I just want things be great with no pain, misunderstanding, jealously or anger. I want things to be great for me and my friends. They know who they are and they are wonderful people. I'd be a miserable wreck if it weren't them. Thank you but I need to get my head straightened. I'd like to see professional help but I feel that will not address the problem without going somewhere that isn't relevant. Christ I don't even know what I am saying. I have to go, I can't even think straight.

PEACEOUT!!!

Hmmm. normally I wouldn't post something like this but damn. it hit me.

ALWAYS REMEMBER:
1. Somebody is very proud of you.
2. Somebody is thinking of you.
3. Somebody is caring about you.
4. Somebody misses you.
5. Somebody wants to talk to you.
6. Somebody wants to be with you.
7. Somebody hopes you aren't in trouble.
8. Somebody is thankful for the support you have provided.
9. Somebody wants to hold your hand.
10. Somebody hopes everything turns out all right.
11. Somebody wants you to be happy.
12. Somebody is celebrating your successes.
13. Somebody wants to give you a gift.
14. Somebody thinks that you are a gift.
15. Somebody hopes you're not too cold, or too hot
16. Somebody wants to hug you.
17. Somebody loves you.
18. Somebody admires your strength.
19. Somebody is thinking of you and smiling.
20. Somebody wants to be your shoulder to cry on.
21. Somebody wants to go out with you and have a lot of fun.
22. Somebody thinks the world of you.
23. Somebody wants to protect you.
24. Somebody would do anything for you.
25. Somebody wants to be forgiven by you.
26. Somebody is grateful for your forgiveness.
27. Somebody wants to laugh with you.
28. Somebody remembers you and wishes that you were there.
29. Somebody is praising God for you.
30. Somebody needs to know that your love for them is unconditional.
31. Somebody values your advice.
32. Somebody wants to tell you how much they care.
33. Somebody wants to share their dreams with you.
34. Somebody wants to hold you in their arms.
35. Somebody wants you to hold them in your arms.
36. Somebody treasures your spirit.
37. Somebody wishes they could stop time because of you.
38. Somebody praises God for your friendship and love.
39. Somebody can't wait to see you.
40. Somebody loves you for who you are.
41. Somebody loves the way you make them feel.
42. Somebody wants to be with you (forever and ever).
43. Somebody wants you to know they are there for you (always).
44. Somebody is glad that you're their friend.
45. Somebody wants to be your friend.
46. Somebody stayed up all night thinking about you.
47. Somebody is alive because of you.
48. Somebody is wishing that you noticed them.
49. Somebody wants to get to know you better.
50. Somebody wants to be near you.
51. Somebody misses your advice and guidance.
52. Somebody has faith in you.
53. Somebody trusts you...A lot.
54. Somebody needs your support.
55. Somebody needs you to have faith in them.
56. Somebody needs you to let them be your friend.
57.Somebody hears a song that reminds them of you.
58.Somebody will cry when they read this.

Well fucking hell guys. I never like rambling about my life unless I am talking to you face to face or over the phone. Yeah the phone kicks more ass than the IM for sure. So where is this ramble going to take me? I don't know but this is for sure, the Halo 2 tournament that I played in was fucking bogus. 4 teams tied for first and because of this foreign system of keeping tabs of games we got fucked out of any sort of prize. Then there was a second tournament and me and my friend raped on that. Nothing could touch us. So after juggernaughting through the second tournament me and my tourney partner have decided that we will never play in anymore bs tournaments. We were the best god damn people there and we still got fucked improperly by some kids who don't even know how to play the game properly. Yeah, of course I am venting I have every right to and now that I am done. I will move on to my next order of business which is what the fuck is going on with my friends. It seems like for awhile they will be around which is cool. Then the next day they fucking disappear without telling me anything. Not to say that I am obssessed over but godamn it sure is a nice thing to know where people went when they just vanish. SO yeah where the hell is anyone. If any of you guys reads this message then sound off please. Thanks guys. PEACEOUT!!!