I realized that my family loves to waste my time. They say they want me to come visit yet when I am free they push me away and keep me in the dark.
I realized my fever is part of an old injury that I've agitated. My insides hurt and I don't need to bleed right now....
Instinct is a primordial precognitive response to past stimuli. Instinct allows for millisecond reactions to otherwise dangerous situations allowing for survival and perseverance as an person, animal and species.
In order to learn you must first learn to get over yourself and ignore your ego. Humility is the step to self-improveme
I am hanging on to the fiery light of hope and yet it feels like it's trying to shake me loose.
even in the throes of bitter oppression
they still have free will to choose through fear what type of man they'll be
although free men may die
their choice was theirs and theirs alone to make
you think they wanted to be underneath someones boot
hell no!
their only destiny is the outcome of a situation
whether it be success or failure
those bold enough to stand tall even when confined or with the wind at their back are those who will shape our world
whether it be in the history books or remembered through the bloody sands time
they are those who lived, cried, endured and died
and for that we should be grateful of their blood that watered our freedoms whether it be for our country or theirs
now granted that some of us may be fettered, we're still free in the actions we take
and although we maybe beat down, you can never subjugate a liberator
In war, all the best reflexes and training in the world will not save you if you fail to coordinate with your brothers in arms. In that lack of thought you will damn yourself, your countrymen, and those you love dear.
Here is my latest piece of work they lessened the amount of space available in moods now. v.v here: http://dirkric
It's not even been 24 hours since she's left but right now I really super miss her! Damnit! I hope she's alright and safe. It would appear I'm more attached than I originally intended.
You know what sucks? Meeting someone you think you'll never give a shit about then after years of knowing them realizing that they are more awesome than you originally realized. And so has happened with me. Finally got around to knowing my friend who at first had the title "friend's sister" despite meeting her before I actually met him. And even then that "meet" was at some long now almost forgotten group of friends that really didn't like having you around. Anyways I was branded "he's kind of weird." Which simultaneously describes and inaccurately defines who or what I am. Which is understandable
Now recently with the finding out that my friend is indeed moving I've been going through a kind of transformation as I am slowing creeping out of my shell to render much needed assistance in all matters technical. And as such spending time with her is making me somewhat attached because I really enjoy her presence. It for lack of a better word makes me feel "alive" which is a feeling I really don't get in daily dealings. Seeing is how I work in places that most of you readers would never dare to tread. Not to be belittle or degrade ya'll with words of negativity but seriously it's draining on the spirit. And so is being in situations that stretch the boundaries of one's patience beyond normal parameters.
This breath of fresh air has allowed me to understand people and to really appreciate a conversation with non-male people. Especially when most of my conversations with others is business formal, argumentative, threatening or insulting. Usually the latter three in a row. Seeing is how my activity in social circles is limited to gamers, pizza jockeys and people I meet online through x box live. Not to say I do not appreciate those relationships. But I do sincerely appreciate my friendship with her.
Of course since this person is indeed female and does have my undivided attention I am in a dilemma as such that I know I am not her type. Granted I am somewhat of an intellectual. I am outmatched when it comes to things that normal people take for granted and vice versa. I've pigeon holed myself here and currently I am in the process of trying to break this mold.
I earnestly think that despite other more attractive and not necessarily more intelligent or even skill suitors I am the better person. Not to be conceited but seriously a foreign accent is easy to duplicate and it's even easier for them to use their stature in a way to manipulate and even attempt to destroy that which I've been carefully trying to preserve and maintain.
In other words I feel threatened and as such... I am confused. It's very frustrating. Since I really don't know how to express myself in a manner that is appropriate and acceptable. Not to say that saying how I feel about something is bad but there is always a lack of timing as in my ability to choose the worst time. Maybe fate and God don't have my fate interspersed with hers but damnit I think sometimes if one is bold they can claim victory over themselves and achieve what others can't. And in this case it would be a simple victory over a part of me so long suppressed. Wish me luck and pray that something good comes of this other than the hurt of rejection.
PEACEOUT!!!
Robin
Wow I like how christmas time comes around and I get blamed for the deficit in funds. I like how I donate plasma, sell my belongings, art and try to work any job possible to make ends meet. Then promptly give the money I do make to my mom so that way the stupid cunt can pay bills. Instead she wastes it on beer, binge drinks and wants to commit suicide. Real nice. Real class. Let me tell you. Fucking horse shit. Then the fucking bitch refuses to go back to work because she got treated like shit. SO FUCKING WHAT?! Learn to deal with it, I get given shit odd jobs all the goddamn time but do I complain? fuck no. I just bite the goddamn nail and finish it. It's not that fucking hard to fucking try, it's not that hard to succeed when the work you are working is FUCKING EASY! It's not that hard to be appreciative of what I do when I can help. And that's another thing it wouldn't hurt to have some kind of emotional support for what I do try. Knowing that I have the backing of my supposed and estranged 'family' would be great but I know deep down inside they're more miserable than I and don't want me to succeed at anything I try in life. They want me to fail so they can call me a loser and a failure. But I much rather them meet quick and bloody ends than torment me in the years of my life that are supposed to shape whether or not I can stand on my own or die trying.
Failure is not an option nor is it acceptable when victory is certain.
I'm getting really fuckin' sick of these new rules on each and every website I go to. Especially ones like ET, EP, etc. It's kind of annoying honestly. Trying to tell us how much we can have, what we can have, what we can do, with our own pages and wikis. That's some hardcore bullshit. If this place is about artists then let the artists express themselves you fuckin' cock sucking faggots. Honestly. You should probably not be overlord dick-heads here simply cause you cannot cope with or control your life outside of the internet. Cause well it's the internet, not the fuckin' real world. It's where we can expresss ourselves without so much a need for any sort of rules, so long as we don't encroach or violate someone elses electronic freedoms. Of course ya'll will get offended and butt hurt and you'll overreact like always and threaten, suspend or ban those who threaten you're all totalitarian dream of the interwebs. We do not come here to please you, we do not tell you how to run your godamn website, we do not tell you how you are to dictate what's acceptable and what's not. Keep to yourselves and we'll keep the goatse out of your forums, wikis and pages.
I've been fighting an uphill battle with life lately. It seems with each foot of ground I gain, I lose friends. And would appear that it's becoming a lonely battle. Not many allies these days and a whole bunch of inconsiderate, incorrigible rabble blocking my path towards a brighter tomorrow.
I've stuck to my guns and tried to be as flexible as possible to dodge these bullets life has been spitting at me but it seems they're just so many and protection is in short supply.
I call for a rally and I get the shaft. People going about their own selfish way when the chips are down and the game is called.
People expecting something from me when they won't change their frequency. Just a whole bunch of fear when change comes a knocking. A whole bunch of cowards running when the tough gets going.
Claim I am the best yet you pass me up for inferiority.
Threaten me when I rock the boat too much but do you realize I am moby dick?
Stay out of conveniences flock away when the weather is a bit unfair.
Courageous Lion or cowardly Leo? We'll know when it gets a bit thick.
I'd like to pool resources and rally in for a big push but it's all petering out when I beacon. No one's heading the call and they'll be on the out and out soon enough when there's no wall to stop the salvo.
http://blog.my
Where to start...
Well I never write this damn things not that anyone reads them I just find them frustrating when it didn't go throught cause ET didn't submit it.
Been angry lately over the course things to happen to me and my friends here. On the hunt of this one motherfucker who was responsible for my friends car accident. No success there. Go figure criminals(most of them anyways) are like cockroaches they only come out at night and scurry in dark filthy places that few dare to tread unless they're an exterminator.
Tried to write recently and nothing comes out how I plan it. No writer's block just the signs of burn out. Same goes for art. What's the fuckin' point if you don't got a muse or something to draw inspiration from in this world.
I'm down to a handful of friends. It's cool to see them not cool that the others to abandon have no reason as I wasn't being a douche, some sort of emo kid or loser. They have absolutely no legitimate reason what-so-ever. Cocksucking faggots. "Oh noes he's using homophobe speak111" Tough shit. I don't care about political correctness. Faggot is my way of getting across that I don't like mother fuckers.
I'm not Mohandas Ghandi and of course I got anger issues. How would you feel if someone stomped all over your ant mound. You'd want the motherfucker dead or gone. And hence as such the reason for me writing such a frivolous diary entry.
I love how there's like 8 people on my friendslist here on Et but they either don't have messenger, have an excuse to not be on it or just don't reply until it's convenient to sign off. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Sure there could something legit like an impending godzilla attack, a death in the family, non-severe illness or a need to want to sleep.
Man I wish I could hit the reset button and restart all of time but maintain the knowledge I have so when I have to go through this again I know how to not get fucked over. That'd be great. Sure things may not happen the but guess what they'll happen in my favor. Or at least I think they will. Who knows what mystical forces existing or otherwise might get pissed. Ah the joys of vengeful metaphysics.
Perhaps I should go before I get the title of emo. Whatever. Bye.
Wow! I really hate getting scape goated for someone else's short comings. I really hate always being in fear of having everything fall on me as if I am supposed to save someone elses sinking ship.
Don't get me wrong I like helping people, I like being active in anything provided I get compensation for my services. I hate serving someone who has it in their capabilities to reward me with money or food or drink but don't cause they don't think it. I surely hope they don't plan on going to sleep at night content with themselves. If they do then they can burn in hell for doing this to me. This coming from people who ask me if I am in school but really don't give a shit when I answer no and explain why.
I strongly dislike being hungry or thirsty almost all the fucking time. Christ I have to ration my food out so I don't starve to death before I get paid measily. I was thriving just 6 months ago, what happened? I know what happened I got fucked out of employment by Joshua Baines Hovis because he decided to tell the manager I wasn't needed cause he couldn't provide me transportation home but I was already getting steady transportation to and fro work from my friend. So fuck that shit I think I deserver a motherfucking apology.
Then around that same godamn time I got fucking blacklisted from Punk shows cause I played a show that I was booked for in my schedule from the last show. I got it confirmed with one of the people who was renting the place I was playing at and I showed up and played. Kicked ass cause my family was there and that was it. No more shows and when I try to talk to the organizer he flee's. I showed up at fucking subway and that cocksucker ran his piggy ass into the backroom. Fuck that shit. Quit hiding, quit talking shit about me and let me play shows you cock sucking fag.
I am tired. I am frustrated. I've been boxed into a corner by people who really don't give a shit and I ain't no fucking doormat. I'm polite and polite is about ready to start kicking some motherfucking ass. So recognize or start hiding.