Happy New Years.
After hearing all the gun fire and explosions last night, I thought I was just a shut in from the newborn zombie apocalypse. Insane dreams I had, about fast zombies that died to head shots but hid indoors during the day.
I remember it reminding me greatly of left 4 dead. It reminded me of the title screen where you hear gunfire all over the city but don't see the other survivors getting overrun by the hordes of the unliving. It was rather terrifying to have to hid in a place where there's power but your light can't be seen and you can't make any noise.
I remember in my dream that worked for a week and we rallied up with other survivors but that was our undoing. There's only so many people you can hide in an apartment with before it's more than difficult to keep quiet. Especially when you have children and people who're sick with regular diseases like a common cold.
Just one slip up, just one loud cough and you're swarmed. Hundreds from across the city swarming your location. And sure even if you've been working on an escape route for that particular eventuality not everyone can take it. Especially if you're trying to keep the horde trapped, so it can't follow immediately. In doing so you kill anyone too slow or otherwise incapable of escaping.
And that sort of decision can weigh on you heavily especially when you're an endangered species by way of zombie germ. That being said, somebody decided to crack a window. The smell of the food we were cooking hit the street and within ten minutes time they were on us. Clawing at the front door, the windows and the back door. And a few moments later they were inside.
The one thing I curse myself for is not scavenging enough ammo. But in REM sleep i.e. dreams, you don't always realize you're dreaming. You don't always have rational foresight to go to the local gun shop to get guns and shit. And as people're getting massacred, I'm cursing myself. As I'm fleeing along with some of the other people that had the fortune of being quick enough, I'm cursing myself. And as I'm just a moment too slow to get to the second safe house, I'm hating myself. Because now, I'm on the streets trying to defend myself from the very thing I was trying to escape from, the very thing that to me is more scarier than Godzilla and Ebola. Zombies.
Thankfully I remember blurs and woke up. Thankfully it was just a dream.
Capitalists are inherently cowards. They'll not fight tooth and nail for each other to survive. They say things like, "dog eat dog" and "fend for yourself" but it's just a macho way of saying, "I'm too cowardly to defend you from losing your lively hood. I'm going to just watch as you're destroyed and pick over your carcass when scavengers move in on you." That's what it means to be capitalist in this society. They say freemarket but it should be a monopoly. The little dog is just picking over what the beasts can't eat. And right now globally the beasts are going into hibernation. They pillage and fought enough to sit comfortably until the rest of us have started killing each other. Then they'll step out once more and give us the means to kill each other with brand names stamped on their guns.
Sorry, folks, pardon my negativity but I'm venting.
They are everything I hate.
They are the very thing I despise.
Looking so tough and tough as nails - they're so brittle, they're so false.
Talking a good fight and a battle won - they'd be slaughtered in a stand up.
Wanting to be in the underground, the underworld of the alternative,
Bring a knife, it's time to drain the underbelly.
They claim to be strong but in their demise it'll show only frailness.
Admit to nothing and gain recognition. Brag about everything then lose face.
Their kind is a bunch of metrosexually-
They travel in flocks, where's a wolf their kind needs to be thinned.
I'm no wolf, I don't know where I stand. But I think I've tripped the mind.
Somewhere deep down inside I think I've become the thing I hate.
Passions aside I despise the allies I'm forced to stand beside.
It was bound to happen eventually don't be mad or afraid that a black man won. He's just a color. So what. I'm a color. I happen to be a shade of white. Flesh tone is still flesh tone. That is final. People especially a good chunk of ignorant racist people will never see that and won't acknowledge the fact that times have changed. Racism is a novelty thing and it seems to be exclusive to the trailer trash demographic. But if that's the case then I suppose I am a homosexual because I supported the democratic party this time. Usually I am fairly conservative though lately others in my boat are resulting to witch hunts and other superstitious bullshit so I am jumping ship.
I got called a nigger for voting for Obama. If I am a nigger so what? Nigger is a pejorative that degrades dark skinned people. Derogatory language is just that derogatory. Meaning to speak down to another living being or inanimate object in a deriding or degrading fashion. So if I am in favor of change or at least the idea that it can happen and get us out of the shit I'll stay a nigger. Then again this color thing'll be going out the window we got the sunrise to look forward to on the sunrise of tomorrow.
I've had to deal with some many damn idiots lately that're just plain afraid of Obama because of the color of the skin and the fact that his donors choose to remain anonymous. They don't know, they believe what they hear from morons on talk radio and conservative political shows. I'm glad he made it into office. Obama and Cobra Joemmander I mean er Biden will get the ball rolling. And whoever takes their places will have to wait another term to stop it get things done.
I feel like I can't breath right now. Damn sinus pains.
My mom's boss is a stupid stupid bitch to come to our house and tell her she cannot work for her anymore because she is selling antiques. I outta make her reconsider her choice. I want to so very badly for coming into our house and doing that to us especially with the economy the way it is right now. Christ I am furious.
I have a very bad feelings of things to come and it won't matter how much I love. This perhaps is a losing battle but if I must fall then I want fall brilliantly.
I realized that my family loves to waste my time. They say they want me to come visit yet when I am free they push me away and keep me in the dark.
I realized my fever is part of an old injury that I've agitated. My insides hurt and I don't need to bleed right now....
Instinct is a primordial precognitive response to past stimuli. Instinct allows for millisecond reactions to otherwise dangerous situations allowing for survival and perseverance as an person, animal and species.
In order to learn you must first learn to get over yourself and ignore your ego. Humility is the step to self-improveme
I am hanging on to the fiery light of hope and yet it feels like it's trying to shake me loose.
even in the throes of bitter oppression
they still have free will to choose through fear what type of man they'll be
although free men may die
their choice was theirs and theirs alone to make
you think they wanted to be underneath someones boot
hell no!
their only destiny is the outcome of a situation
whether it be success or failure
those bold enough to stand tall even when confined or with the wind at their back are those who will shape our world
whether it be in the history books or remembered through the bloody sands time
they are those who lived, cried, endured and died
and for that we should be grateful of their blood that watered our freedoms whether it be for our country or theirs
now granted that some of us may be fettered, we're still free in the actions we take
and although we maybe beat down, you can never subjugate a liberator
In war, all the best reflexes and training in the world will not save you if you fail to coordinate with your brothers in arms. In that lack of thought you will damn yourself, your countrymen, and those you love dear.
Here is my latest piece of work they lessened the amount of space available in moods now. v.v here: http://dirkric
It's not even been 24 hours since she's left but right now I really super miss her! Damnit! I hope she's alright and safe. It would appear I'm more attached than I originally intended.
You know what sucks? Meeting someone you think you'll never give a shit about then after years of knowing them realizing that they are more awesome than you originally realized. And so has happened with me. Finally got around to knowing my friend who at first had the title "friend's sister" despite meeting her before I actually met him. And even then that "meet" was at some long now almost forgotten group of friends that really didn't like having you around. Anyways I was branded "he's kind of weird." Which simultaneously describes and inaccurately defines who or what I am. Which is understandable
Now recently with the finding out that my friend is indeed moving I've been going through a kind of transformation as I am slowing creeping out of my shell to render much needed assistance in all matters technical. And as such spending time with her is making me somewhat attached because I really enjoy her presence. It for lack of a better word makes me feel "alive" which is a feeling I really don't get in daily dealings. Seeing is how I work in places that most of you readers would never dare to tread. Not to be belittle or degrade ya'll with words of negativity but seriously it's draining on the spirit. And so is being in situations that stretch the boundaries of one's patience beyond normal parameters.
This breath of fresh air has allowed me to understand people and to really appreciate a conversation with non-male people. Especially when most of my conversations with others is business formal, argumentative, threatening or insulting. Usually the latter three in a row. Seeing is how my activity in social circles is limited to gamers, pizza jockeys and people I meet online through x box live. Not to say I do not appreciate those relationships. But I do sincerely appreciate my friendship with her.
Of course since this person is indeed female and does have my undivided attention I am in a dilemma as such that I know I am not her type. Granted I am somewhat of an intellectual. I am outmatched when it comes to things that normal people take for granted and vice versa. I've pigeon holed myself here and currently I am in the process of trying to break this mold.
I earnestly think that despite other more attractive and not necessarily more intelligent or even skill suitors I am the better person. Not to be conceited but seriously a foreign accent is easy to duplicate and it's even easier for them to use their stature in a way to manipulate and even attempt to destroy that which I've been carefully trying to preserve and maintain.
In other words I feel threatened and as such... I am confused. It's very frustrating. Since I really don't know how to express myself in a manner that is appropriate and acceptable. Not to say that saying how I feel about something is bad but there is always a lack of timing as in my ability to choose the worst time. Maybe fate and God don't have my fate interspersed with hers but damnit I think sometimes if one is bold they can claim victory over themselves and achieve what others can't. And in this case it would be a simple victory over a part of me so long suppressed. Wish me luck and pray that something good comes of this other than the hurt of rejection.
PEACEOUT!!!
Robin