This shit fucking hurts. This weekend was a rout.

I don't know what I did wrong but I definitely feel like heaven has severed part of it's connection with me. Been suffering from psychic shock all day. Which means something happened somewhere else. I wish I could get the answers I deserve.

Despite perceptions of the world. There is grey when black and white collide. Remember a villain is someone pragmatic enough to sacrifice the bottom line to further goals for a greater good. Though almost always the impact of their actions has negative consequences since for each action there is an equal or opposite reaction. Thus is the law of constants. Henceforth science. We all learn something new everyday.

I guess I ain't much but shit these days by people's standards. Though being standardized is like being sterilized and sadly euthanized over an experience through time. I don't think I'll stand around and let simple folk ostracize me for their hypothesies and hypocracies. Simple people may be the majority though there's no mercy for them if they will the wise to the gallows over dictation of those who'd sooner make it than being broken down. Fuckin' A. The things we do for love yet we fall short of our goals when our intentions are not read clearly. One shouldn't have to bear a flag when in sublety. Though this one dares to be bold when it's time to adverse to oppression and suppression of the things we endeavor to keep. Falling down though struggling past the wayside. This year'll bring an end if we let stop us from a new beginning. Fuckin' Amen and all that righteous jazz.

I will follow my path outward into the darkness and brighter days though I dare you not to follow my ruin. It's not my success or my failures I wanted you to see though honestly I wish you could have just been there for me. During the times I tried fly, the times I fluttered and burned out in testure of life's 15 minutes. Moth I was though wingless from now till the clock counts to midnight. I'll struggle with my assailant while the world bystands. Maybe someday someone'll be brave and grows some stones to fight the terror.

My cat Esmerelda died today. She was 15 years old. She had a good run. We got her as a kitten when I was 12 going on 13. She was a tuxedo kitty. Though she was very unique. When we'd put her food bowl next to her water she'd cup it in her paw dunk it for a few moments and eat it. On top of that if we were in the kitchen and had food she wanted she would climb the drawer handles like rungs in a ladder. She always had a way of talking to you. In her later years however she got outside and absolutely refused to come back inside. It was her way declaring herself some kind of loyal outlaw who guarded our front porch like a trooper. And when I'd come home like she'd come stalking up to me like some kind of tuxedo'd yard panther. Yes, it was annoying to get bugged for food everytime I came home for work. It wasn't so bad. I meant she was smart enough to know who talk to when she was hungry and didn't feel like killing insects. To be honest I'll miss it because even to an animal so small I had uses be on a subservient indignant human slave level. She was an awesome cat I just wish I could have been a better owner. It seems unfair that nature choose to reclaim her today. Feels like I should have spent more time petting her than playing video games or surfing the web. Though what it's worth that cat had a kickass personality. I'll miss her.

Thanks for leaving me a slave with nothing to show for my thankless labor. Thanks for encroaching upon my last bastion of personal space and freedom. Thank you for showing me that I am worthless to the rest of the world. Thanks for picking your god-damn friends over your own flesh and blood. Thank you for reminding me that I should have been aborted. Thanks for treating me like a disease. Thanks for letting me know that someone else would have suffered the same fate should they have wound up sharing a genetic profile with you. Thanks for all the problems you gave me with no means to solve them within my lifetime. Thanks.

My world just got smaller. The bad news that people try to pass as good. When trash has it's way it certainly leads the world to decay.

Just watched MLG Anaheim. And I must say the names of the team I saw win should be the following: McFaglin, Swamprat, Stepchild, Bitch face and Ballschinzo. Seriously, I can't stand kids these days. Sure they may have worked hard to get their victory but the ego associated with gaming or anything non-relevant to living is aggravating. Stow the ego and do.

Woke up being called upon to help. Sadly it apparently isn't within my capabilities even when I have the resources to contribute. I feel like a punk when I'm asked to do when I cannot. I wish people wouldn't put themselves in that situation. I wish people wouldn't need me to bail them out of their sinking ships when I can barely keep myself afloat. I don't mind the sacrifice but shit it's frustrating to watch people fail - to burn themselves out like the dullest shining stars they are since they lack the foresight to really understand or grasp the complexities in our so called life. So much is going on and so much more could happen if they would just use their eyes to see what's infront of them rather than what's just out of reach. We can struggle in this sump or we can work together to get starward. I'm trying, I suppose we're all trying to some degree but fuck, things don't work if you back someone into a corner - cause then you just make them into monsters and call yourself a victim because you didn't think of the consequences. Sometimes however the monster seek to corner you so they can shanghai you for everything you got. I suppose I'm trying to say be wary and move as though your steps have an impact on the world. I suppose I've said too much and I don't care it's what needs to be said. If only we could all forget about how trivial and contrived things are and can get we can learn to have fun. This is some kind of calm before the storm I suppose. I don't see much else however other than life behind a screen.

yup I really wish things would work out for me. I mean in regards to my heart. I want to fill the hole and spend time with people I deem worthy of my time. I wish people wouldn't treat shit like a game. I suppose it's best said, "To keep me happy spares the world a bunch of shit." Thus as such is the truth. I wish people would understand that, I wish people could see that, I wish people would quit avoiding me. I can't handle it especially not this month. I am too fatigued for anything other than the more simplist of tasks and plans. Complexity kills me on drag months. fuck.

Today has been pretty discouraging. Was trying to make a go of it and it's like getting snagged in an iron maiden. Painful and inevitable. I hate July, I hate the heat, I hate being alone. I hate the hurt. I hate people and the lack of honesty. I wish I could make it all burn.

It would appear that despite my day being ruined this evening turned into awesomeness. For the first time in almost a month I got sleep. Though it was only for 30 or so minutes. Still it was fabulous. My heart would apparently be trying to take root. Not that having roots is a bad thing perhaps it is time I let lest I be wayward for longer than my sake of sanity.

I like that people try to keep me down and they still don't get it. My fury keeps me going and in turn it rewards me with success. Or at least completion of task. That isn't winning, it's being manipulated by people with no respect for me or my well being. I guess that's what I get for thinking the best of folks. Maybe I'll win or something sometime soon.

Fuck your firing squad! Fuck your army of dickbags! Fuck your ego! Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!

Last night I witnessed something that aggravated me to no end. I will not go into to detail but it just goes to show that people do not give a shit about me or my dispositions. People claim a lot but until it comes down to brass tacks they have not proven themselves. I know that if it takes all of my being to control myself on a level where there's multiple situations at stake that others do not have the same standard. No one on this side gives a shit about what I want or what I care about. I just hate that feeling though that ultimately nothing I do or say will mean anything since people want to act like something they are not.

fuck a bunch of me, I guess I'm not to relevant to people here who I've known for ages. This shit is aggravating. They're lucky I don't get violent. About to be revolutionary. God-damnit I am so tired right now, I wish I could just catch a break and stay out of oblivion for everything else.

I guess that I just ain't good enough for anything these days. Got traitors growing amongst the ranks of friends. And established enemies coming through the works to claim their part of my peace.
All the while trying to hang on to my sanity.

I've done nothing these passed three days but stay home. I am going crazy, I cannot wait to work tomorrow. I am so fucking tired right now. I wish I could sleep. It would appear my nightmares got the better of me right now. Damnit, looks like I'll need to take benedryl again. I wish spectres from my past wouldn't show back up unless they meant to apologize for the shit they put me through,then again let's think of all the shit I've put others through. I am not perfect but damnit, I try more than those that expect the world from me. I am not bullet proof though think that I am...

I always have more to lose when my heart is at stake.

double goddamnit. I want to destroy. More importantly, I am sick of being called a villain whenever I want something. Whenever I need something. Whenever I want to rise past failure... past others shortcomings. It is not my fault you like to think you have an excuse for everything... it is your fault for not being a truer honest person. Admit it, you're just goddamn lazy and ignorant. Your delusions of eloquence and grandeur a place holder for the lack of confidence and intellect. Truer folk don't damn others to silence, truer folk don't abandon their kin and those who merit the same endearment. If ye were truer folk then show me that you've learned something. Show me that I am wrong by proving me right. I don't want to have shake your hand while arming the other. I don't need to be indignant when you're under the assumption that I'm unaware. There's a difference between greed and survival. Greed is taking from the pot while you're already flourishing - while you already got what you need. Survival is surviving in the face of adversity. Know the difference and be prepared to know the score if you continue to think that you can't be touched or that there won't be karmic retribution and petty revenge. It's only as simple as we say it is, and for the most part it will be messy.