I wish I was indestructible when the hurt comes a rumbling.
It doesn't matter how much damage the frame takes when heart break hit's like a wrecking ball.
A blow felled is still a stumble and a humbling to a knee when I want to stand proud.
Got all the time in the world and patience isn't going to have it my way.
I'll shrug it all soon enough when the weight gets to be too much but till then I'm carrying a world of hurt.
Tough shit isn't impossible to overcome, but come on when it's time to dare I better win.

Cold. Tired. Need warmth.

I've started the new year on the defensive. Constantly having to exile myself since others will not stand with me as the tide approaches. Even with limited employment it's been hard and I am struggling to keep a smile on my face even just for formalities sake. I would say that I am 'trying' but to say, "I try" means to invite failure. Failure may be the foundation of success but too much of it is like cancer. So I will continue to do what I can until I cannot do anymore then I pray someone will gather the wherewithal to stand with me and help me to my feet when I hit the pavement. I would say I trust but that's a word that's as scarce as love; fleeting and cherished when it's expressed.

http://lordhalcion.wordpress.com/2012/11/30/baal-the-worth-of-vigilance-part-2/ new blog!

http://lordhalcion.wordpress.com/2012/11/28/cerebrum-stagnation/ I got a new blog live. I figured this might explain something.

Harpoon through the heart.

I guess I am crazy enough to fuckin' try.

http://lordhalcion.wordpress.com/2012/11/02/a-thumb-for-salvation/

Good afternoon folks! I've finished another blog! http://lordhalcion.wordpress.com/2012/10/18/a-mistaken-guardian-the-coming-of-ages/

howdy folks, I'm still around. Just updated my blog for those that check this space: http://lordhalcion.wordpress.com/2012/10/16/a-pothering-dandy/

http://lordhalcion.wordpress.com/2012/09/19/a-hiccup-in-sanity/ new art and thought.

http://lordhalcion.wordpress.com/2012/09/11/baal-the-worth-of-vigilance/ new story and art. Check it out.

Man I wish I had good to report. These days just leave me feeling like I can't catch my breath. Like trying to live in a vacuum. A void where good intentions go to die and the right seems to always get me into the red. Why I haven't gone on a rampage is beyond me. I suppose I have some semblance of respect for life when life shows no respect towards me. Insects and the like wishing I could crush them provided karma is on a lunch break. Needing a break, needing something to fight for that let's me know I have some kind of future. Some kind of a hope for a tomorrow that is just beyond this now. I need something, I need someone. I need to kick some kind of ass. I need to live. I need love. I need. Not want since a want isn't what's needed for survival. I need to survive telling adversity I will surmount it with luxury.

This shit fucking hurts. This weekend was a rout.

I don't know what I did wrong but I definitely feel like heaven has severed part of it's connection with me. Been suffering from psychic shock all day. Which means something happened somewhere else. I wish I could get the answers I deserve.

Despite perceptions of the world. There is grey when black and white collide. Remember a villain is someone pragmatic enough to sacrifice the bottom line to further goals for a greater good. Though almost always the impact of their actions has negative consequences since for each action there is an equal or opposite reaction. Thus is the law of constants. Henceforth science. We all learn something new everyday.

I guess I ain't much but shit these days by people's standards. Though being standardized is like being sterilized and sadly euthanized over an experience through time. I don't think I'll stand around and let simple folk ostracize me for their hypothesies and hypocracies. Simple people may be the majority though there's no mercy for them if they will the wise to the gallows over dictation of those who'd sooner make it than being broken down. Fuckin' A. The things we do for love yet we fall short of our goals when our intentions are not read clearly. One shouldn't have to bear a flag when in sublety. Though this one dares to be bold when it's time to adverse to oppression and suppression of the things we endeavor to keep. Falling down though struggling past the wayside. This year'll bring an end if we let stop us from a new beginning. Fuckin' Amen and all that righteous jazz.

I will follow my path outward into the darkness and brighter days though I dare you not to follow my ruin. It's not my success or my failures I wanted you to see though honestly I wish you could have just been there for me. During the times I tried fly, the times I fluttered and burned out in testure of life's 15 minutes. Moth I was though wingless from now till the clock counts to midnight. I'll struggle with my assailant while the world bystands. Maybe someday someone'll be brave and grows some stones to fight the terror.

My cat Esmerelda died today. She was 15 years old. She had a good run. We got her as a kitten when I was 12 going on 13. She was a tuxedo kitty. Though she was very unique. When we'd put her food bowl next to her water she'd cup it in her paw dunk it for a few moments and eat it. On top of that if we were in the kitchen and had food she wanted she would climb the drawer handles like rungs in a ladder. She always had a way of talking to you. In her later years however she got outside and absolutely refused to come back inside. It was her way declaring herself some kind of loyal outlaw who guarded our front porch like a trooper. And when I'd come home like she'd come stalking up to me like some kind of tuxedo'd yard panther. Yes, it was annoying to get bugged for food everytime I came home for work. It wasn't so bad. I meant she was smart enough to know who talk to when she was hungry and didn't feel like killing insects. To be honest I'll miss it because even to an animal so small I had uses be on a subservient indignant human slave level. She was an awesome cat I just wish I could have been a better owner. It seems unfair that nature choose to reclaim her today. Feels like I should have spent more time petting her than playing video games or surfing the web. Though what it's worth that cat had a kickass personality. I'll miss her.

Thanks for leaving me a slave with nothing to show for my thankless labor. Thanks for encroaching upon my last bastion of personal space and freedom. Thank you for showing me that I am worthless to the rest of the world. Thanks for picking your god-damn friends over your own flesh and blood. Thank you for reminding me that I should have been aborted. Thanks for treating me like a disease. Thanks for letting me know that someone else would have suffered the same fate should they have wound up sharing a genetic profile with you. Thanks for all the problems you gave me with no means to solve them within my lifetime. Thanks.

My world just got smaller. The bad news that people try to pass as good. When trash has it's way it certainly leads the world to decay.