"Mindfuck" 8/15/06
by: Me
I ought to kick this town
drivin' down an empty street;
Radio's singin to me,
it's tellin' me "Good love's hard to find"
as the sun drops melancholy over the horizon.
"Fuck yeah" I agree
and turn it up.
tell me more... I'll bet you're right
A challenge.
Fuel gague says "E"
'n I just half-filled it 18 miles ago.
Can't get much more than a bag
of peanuts for a buck these days.
Maybe we all oughtta move to Tokyo,
ride bikes around all day, get in shape.
Lazy America.
Consumerwhores
MoneyFoodMoney
No sign of recognition for true love or beauty either.
Let's all fuck like RABBITS!
Don't need brains.. Don't need class.
Whores'll do just fine.
Sure, they fry themselves
in fake-light boxes for hours on end,
trying to get a "healthy" glow without
earning it outside with work and exercise.
Sure they'll look 80 when they're 40,
but who gives a sh**. It's the Here-and-Now, baby.
Let's marry out of lust and build a huge gaudy house on a lake
while we're at it and kill all the fish with mercury and then
unwittedly serve them to the kids.
Trollops! Imbeciles! Heartless twits!
I say let's go back,
back to chivalry
back to diversity
back to the days when we weren't bringing on our own extinction
and using religion to justify a shit-governmen
Let's WAKE THE FUCK UP!!!
...all from my crackerjack radio.
Who ever said I needed a tape-deck?
"I'm not afraid to try again... not afraid to be hurt again"
Now all I have to do is just keep telling myself that, right?
I think that, maybe, I've found something.
Could be nothing major, y'know... just.. a thing.
Or it could be something that affects my life and my heart in a definite way.
I'm sick of the first possibility. It happens often enough.
The second I'm not so sure of. I mean, I want it.. I always do because I miss it, but at the same time, I don't. I'm afraid of my emotions. I have been ever since -he- happened. I fell too deep and it just ended up being -incredibly- painful. Perhaps I'm stronger because of it, but just getting through it doesn't make the fear go away. It's like a scar or an old broken bone.
I've cried and cut and written and painted and cried again so many times but I just can't get rid of it all. I'm not meant to. No one is. Love is something masochistic. To want it is to willingly take on whatever pain it brings... The first time always blind-sides you of course, but that's natural. After that you're either scared away for good or you come back for more until you find what's right.
I'm scared, I'll admit it. But I'll try again and pray that things don't hurt as much as before.
My heart is on the table and I can't decide on my own...
"Sleeping with the crickets"
Last night I slept with the crickets. Not literally of course... plus I don't think crickets sleep, but they sure do lull a person into dreamland. They sound so pretty at night.
I suppose you're wondering what made me sleep outdoors. Last night at around 11:00 or so I lost interest in adult_swim and thought maybe I'd be mischievous and go upstairs to check my messages on the comp. I didn't want the stairs to creak, so I went outside, up the hill, and around to the back of the house to see if the patio door was open. As I slipped off my sandals and stepped up silent as a cat onto the deck, I saw that the glass door was shut and locked. ...I saw in the reflection of that door what was probably one of the most beautiful moons I'd ever laid eyes on. There wasn't a cloud in the sky, and that great round ball of dust and rock sitting millioins of miles away shone like a huge silver nightlight, perfectly centered above everything in a velvet sky. It was amazing... I turned around to have a better look at it and was then mystified by what I saw beneath it. On the crest of the field behind my house there was a blanket of mist or fog glowing beautifully in the ambient light of night, and there were four shadows of deer moving casually about the hilltop. They were grazing the alfalfa.
I gave in to the urge to walk up to the edge of the field at the back of the yard to admire them, but I wanted to be quiet, so I got my feet all drenched with dew and left my sandals by the deck. I was surprised to find that I couldn't even hear my own feet. The creadtures didn't know I was there. They just stayed there as a family and went on with their snacking. I was glad. The only thing I could hear were the frogs and crickets and leaves rustling now and then in the light breeze. Of course there was the highway about a mile or two away, but I'm used to that.. it's like it's not even there.
It's nights like last night that I love to be by myself, yet at the same time I really wish I could have shared it with a certain someone who lives near a city and has probably never experienced something quite like that. I didn't want to leave it. The thought of going back down the hill, into the house, and going to sleep in my dull bed was simply detestable. So, without thinking any further, I made my way to the basement, got a sleeping bag, a pillow, my sketchbook, and my dog Maggy, and went back outside to sleep on the deck. It took me forever to get to sleep because I spent a great deal of time admiring my surroundings, but I didn't mind. Maggy slept at my feet the entire night, and I woke up at 4:30 before the rain hit, which was lucky.
I'm sure this is all of little interest to you people, but honestly I don't care. I just had to tell my little secret.
Currently listening:
Imagine
By John Lennon
Release date: By 11 April, 2000
My French-Canadia
...Damnit, I insist upon this being utterly true.
(I know... I know "ooh, what a killer diary entry. hah." leave me be, fools, I'm coming down from an energy high which was brought on by sleep deprivation. I have an excuse)
The passed weekend was quite interesting; I enjoyed it. I worked at the county Fair selling consessions each day(except for one, which I'll explain in a bit) and on Saturday when I was done working I spent the night with my good friend Kate. I talked her into going on the craziest rides, which she later admitted enjoying, and we walked around and visited with other friends we saw there, including CARRIE ^-^ lol. This carried (edit: haha, omg!) on from about 9pm till 11:50... we even rode the carousel, hehe... I chose the rooster, Kate chose a zeebra, and we messed around by taking pictures of eachother. We got pretty hungry after that and went into the 4H building for pie and... well, mine looked like apple pie.. but it was peach! ...It was okay. Anyway, I went home with her and we played DDR, watched her DVD of our favorite comedian (Margret Cho), and hung out with Kate's sister Emma. I love their family. They have an African Grey Parrot named Flint and their Dad is 100% British, accent and everything, he loves me to death ^-^. (Pardon me if I'm rambling on, there's so much to say). I was supposed to leave at 4pm the next day to go and work at the Fair again but they convinced me to skip out on it (which didnt take much effort, lol) and I got to drive a Jetski for the first time in my life. Kate taught me how to catch jumps by going paralell to the waves. I'm a pretty adventurous person, so naturally I damn near freaked her out by trying all sorts of crazy things. I love driving dangerous motorized vehichles, dont you?
Another thing: As some of you know, I also work at a grocery store (which is a sad excuse for a job, and there are a million other more interesting things I'd rather do if I weren't stuck here in small-town Perham MN). Well, yesterday I found a couple things to be quite interesting. I was running the till in checkout-lane #2 when these two really hot guys went through my lane... they were a gay couple. lol they were really sweet to me and whatnot... I just found it surprising cause you practically never see gay couples or lesbians for that matter in Perham! And then, like 2 seconds after that, this family comes through and they're speaking a different language which sounds like a mix between Latin and Italian... There was a grandpa, a younger woman who must've been his daughter, and then her two teenage children (daughter and son). The grandpa smiled at me as the mom and her children underwent a typical mild parent/child disagreement and he said to me "they're speaking Greek XD" ... I almost laughed. It was SO COOL!
Apparently doobie-dishing delinquents find that I make them randy enough that they'll pimp their own hands over my picture. That's just repulsive. Do you want to know how I learned this today? Here it is(the conversation that occured):
[stickum]: id spread ur legs apart and fuck ur cunt sdo hard
Me: whoa... and I am so glad that you live like 20thousand miles away. I'm going to pretend I didnt just read that.
(Dipshit): id tie u up and fuck you and ud like it
Me: go pimp yourself already and shut up.
(Senseless horndog):im gonna master bate to ur picture now thx
Me: fine.. go ahead, as long as you stay the fuck away from the real me, then it's all good.
(Pajáro (“masturbator”)):i am and im gonna pretend im fuckinmg you on my kitchen table
Me: haha, I hope you enjoy that little feast of yours, you bong-whore.
(drugbitch):thank you , u may say im a dreamer, but im not the only one, ihope some day ul jion us
Me: join the international league of bongwhores?! I think not! I'd rather fuck a cactus than get fucked up on that shit.
(bloody fool): being stoned is a good thing good bye
Me: suuuure it is. good bye to you too.
Whoa, so I figured out today that I'm a Celtic Christian (which seems fitting, seeing as I've got celtic blood in me).
A Celtic Christian is someone that believes..
- God is a loving Father
-the Earth is a gift of love toward us humans
-we're supposed to take care of that gift
-God wants us to achieve our highest pleasure by confessing Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior and loving and serving Him
-there is an invisible world beside our own populated by angels and demons
-there are three planes of existence: Heaven, Earth, and Hell
-in the positive use of knowledge and wisdom and in respect and tolerance of other religions
I'm also interested in mysticism... more celtic stuff. It's just so kick-ass.
It rained today... I love when it rains. I was reminded of a diary entry that I intended to write a couple weeks ago, but never got around to... so I'll tell the little story. Two weeks ago on a wednesday I came home and it was raining. No one was home but me, and it was relatively cold and dreary-looking outside, but I went out onto the yard in bare feet, a t-shirt, and jeans and stood, walked and danced in the pouring rain. It was beautiful. I was cold and soaked through and through but it didnt really seem to bother me. It's days like those that I look at my life and realize how tragically beautiful the little things are, and I mean the little things that people typically think of as a downside. I've found that I'm one of the very few people I know who's actually eager to go outside on a cold and rainy day or admire the blood that trickels from a cut, or laughs and takes it calmly when the freshly boiled pasta spills into the sink.
I fixed my computer! ^-^
I'm having a bonfire party at my place today... sometime around 6:30pm-ish is when it starts. It's currently 1:23pm and I feel sort of sick, like I have a cold. I think I'll be fine, but its just like "...ugh *sigh*" heh... Lots of work to do around the house and outside, plus I've got to drive into town and get a few things. I'm excited cuz I'll get to see Alyssa, Colten, and possibly Ray ^-^
Have a good day, all.
~Jessica
(P.S. get better, pobrecito)
I began to read "Night" by Elie Wiesel on impulse today... by the second page of the story I was already touched by the words I was seeing. I found this:
"Man raises himself toward God by the questions he asks Him. That is the true dialogue. Man questions God and God answers. But we don't understand His answers. We can't understand them. Because they come from the depths of the soul, and they stay there until death. You will findthe true answers only within yourself... I pray to the God within me that He will give me the strenght to ask Him the right questions"
(one of my xanga entries... I'm bored and I like the song. Just thought I'd share it with all you ET people too)
"Wow... I heard this song today. It's so sad... the guy is heartbroken. I love Maná (that's who wrote the song... I love the whole album. ^-^ I got to listen to it today). This song is about a man who's lost his love and it kind of goes out to her, telling her all that he's going through. I honestly cried when I pictured it. I hate seeing grown men like that... heh. (I might translate this later for those of you who aren't familiar with Spanish. I don't feel like it right now because it's a relatively sloppy process for me. I'm so picky and I have to translate it in such a way as to make it still sound relatively poetic and whatnot like a song should be, which is difficult to do).
"Rayando El Sol"
Rayando el sol rayando por ti
esta pena me duele
me quema sin tu amor
No me has llamado
estoy desesperado
son muchas lunas
las que te he llorado
Rayando el sol
desesperación
es más fácil llegar al sol
que a tu corazón
A tu casa yo fui
y no te encontré
en el parque,
en la plaza en el cine
yo te busqué
Te tengo atrapada
entre mi piel y mi alma
más yo no puedo tanto
y quiero estar junto a ti
Rayando el sol
desesperación
es más fácil llegar al sol
que a tu corazón
Me muero por ti
viviendo sin ti
y no aguanto me duele tanto
estar así
Rayando el sol
desesperación
es más fácil llegar al sol
que a tu corazón
Me muero por ti
viviendo sin ti
y no aguanto me duele tanto
estar así
Rayando... rayando..
rayando el sol"
Hey ppl. I finally ditched my procrastinatio