Colours in the grey:
The grey forbidding wall loomed above me, an unmoving mass of stone authority. I sighed downheartedly, how something so dark and so cold could hide something so beautiful was beyond my knowledge. Ever since I had first caught a glimpse of the unending colour and laughter that poured out of the crack in the door, I had become obsessed with the idea of princesses and all things magical and mythical lurking behind that door. I longed to see more, everyday I walked past the towering wall listening to the heavenly music that wafted over the wall, if only I could somehow get in there and see all of the splendours, one day that was all I needed. I knew it would never happen I looked down at my muddy bare feet and the rags that only just passed for clothing. Something so fine and elegant was never meant to be viewed by someone like me. But the thought stuck, hounding me to the brink of insanity, I had to see it.
I walked along the wall sliding my roughened hand along its smooth surface dragging my feet in the mud. I walked along the wall for as far as I could without having to backtrack to get home, looking at the wall was as depressing as it was mysterious and I always got the same strange dizzying feeling in the pit of my stomach when I looked at it for along time, as was now. I wasn’t new to strange sensations in my stomach, I was constantly hungry but this feeling was different, this feeling instead of eating at me it filled me with wonderment. I turned and hurried off down the dilapidated street that lead towards my home, well you really couldn’t call it a home, it was really a rundown shack with my mother, my father, my sister and myself living in one half, the other housed an equally poor family. My parents would be wondering where I had gotten to, I was supposed to be working in the fields with my sister but I had left early to try my luck with the wall. I would definitely get a beating for not finishing my job and therefore not bringing home any money. My father did not take kindly to me being so, I’m not sure what I am being but whatever it is he does not like it. He tells me that it is unattractive for me to be wandering around the wall like a loony. “The neighbourhood talks,” he would say, “they are saying that you are crazy. What decent man would want a crazy girl? None that’s how many.” he would sneer. I knew something along those lines would eventually spew forth from his mouth once I walked in the unhinged door, reminding me of what a failure I was and how disgraced he was. “Why can’t you be more like your sister,” he would demand “at least she cares about the good of the family. Look at her,” he would say as he yanked my head in her direction “she knows how to look after herself, make herself more presentable, she goes to the trouble of looking good, doing what she is told and not speaking back like some spoilt brat.” He would hiss down at me. I hated my family, I hated where I lived, I hated working everyday to be able to eat that night and avoid getting a beating. I hated my life. The wall was the only good thing in my life at that moment; it was always there, even if it did hide the one thing I longed to see. I suppose that’s why I went there everyday, maybe to remind myself that life wasn’t so bad, that there was always something better, the only trouble was finding a way to get to the something better. I got to the small, dark laneway that lead to my house and turned down it, I was lucky that my house wasn’t too far away from the main street because that meant that I could hold my breath until I got inside my house. The laneway stank of decay and human excretions; it was more than I could bear on good days when the wind was blowing, let alone on days like today when the air was stagnant and heavy with the reek of poverty and despair.
That night I went to my threadbare piece of cloth on the floor and tried to sleep, but the try as I might I could not forget what had happened once I had stepped in the door, the image of my fathers face was strangely frightening. He wasn’t angry or even annoyed, but a sort of smug look crossed his face as he looked up at me walking into the room. That one looked worried me further when I wasn’t even punished for not getting any money, I tip toed around the house for the rest of the night expecting him to come down on me as soon as I made a noise. Sunset came and went but my father had not even spoken to me and for the first time in my life he had actually seemed happy, but the strange thing was he remained happy when I came close to him. The whole situation puzzled me, never had he show any emotion towards me other than hate and disappointment
It wasn’t until the next day that I found out what had made him so complacent. He hadn’t worried or even been mad when I slept passed dawn and missed work instead he woken me later in the day and told me that I wouldn’t be working. I watched him warily as I sat down across for him at the table, I knew something was coming, something that I wouldn’t like. He was almost bursting with glee and impatience as I ate the last piece of fruit in the house, which I must say was sweetened by the fact that it was usually left for my perfect sister.
“You know your wall that you like so much?” he questioned. I nearly choked on the piece of fruit, never had he wanted to talk about the wall before, unless it was to compare me to my sane sister and make me look and feel worse.
“Yes… father” I replied hesitantly.
“Well, I’m kicking you out,” he said with a sickly sweet, calm voice. “and from now on you will be living there.” My heart gave a great leap into my throat. My dream, it was coming true. All of the wonderments were being offered to me on a silver plate, feed to me on a silver spoon. I started to come down to reality and worry when I noticed that my father was still smiling, it couldn’t have been good; he had never been concerned about my happiness.
“What’s the catch?” I asked suspiciously. His smile broadened further.
“Cleaver girl, I didn’t think you’d catch on. Don’t bother trying to leave; the men are here to get you.” As if on que two men dressed in heavy embodied silk walked through the unhinged door and as one grabbed my arm savagely the other emptied a large amount of gold into my father greedily outstretched hand. That was the catch, my mind raced; he had sold me to the owner of the colour behind the grey.
Years have passed and I still live there to this day, but I wouldn’t call it living, surviving would be more appropriate. I have lived out my dream; I saw the world behind the wall, which I once thought was a place of beauty and magic. The veil was torn from my eyes that day, I saw it for what it really was, and ugly, degrading place plastered with colour and beauty to entrance the unknowing, much like the girls like me who are forced to perform acts that shame and disgrace themselves everyday. This is a world of horrors, and I wish that I had been content with just seeing that one glimpse. I have one friend here; she is like me, sold here by an unloving family that sought greed. She once told me something I’ll never forget after I told her my story
“Wanting something can become better than getting it,” words spoken were never so true in my case, still I have learnt from this. Now I know that it is not colours in the grey, a world of beauty hidden by plain ugliness, but instead colours hiding the darkness beneath.
Individuality:
As the clock ticks, my youth slowly fades,
They want me to be like everyone else,
But I like my personality with all its different shades,
I can’t be what they want.
They try to strip my of my individuality,
When I’m only trying to discover who I really am,
They’ve become too blind to see,
I won’t become a copy.
Shut out and left alone,
For being who I am,
And not just a clone,
Could I become who they think I should be?
I could be what they desire,
I could imitate everyone else,
Becoming the world’s best liar,
While the real me lost in the process.
I could be a replica of everyone around me,
Is that what you really want?
For me to act like everyone I see,
When all I really want is to be me.
Why can’t you accept me,
Let me be who I am,
Let me be all I can be,
Let me be free.
Popularity:
Why is it that we never say what we mean?
Extending the truth with lies,
Covering up what you really feel,
Saying whatever you can to impress them,
Spinning your web of lies,
You tell yourself that it’s for the best,
And it if you want to fit in,
Then you have to act like the rest,
Can’t be who we are inside,
Because it’s not like everyone else,
So instead we camouflage our true self,
And like a chameleon we blend into the crowd,
Hiding behind a mask we create,
To disguise who we are,
Until it’s too late,
We’ve forgotten who we once used to be,
And it’s too late to go back to who we were.
Why do we have this insatiable need?
We live for it,
It drive us to be like everyone else,
Popularity is the drug of society,
Once you’ve had a taste,
It’s a hard addiction to kick,
It’s everywhere around you,
Everyone you know wants more,
You can’t escape no matter what you do.
You’re smothered and weighed down,
By societies pointing finger,
And drowning in their judgments,
Thoughts of popularity will linger,
You know you do want to give in,
But a thousand voices are screaming in your head,
Telling you that you need it,
You can’t live without it,
Give in,
You are nothing without it,
It paints a scary picture in your mind,
Alone for the rest of your life,
No one to care for you,
No one to care for.
Popularity is the drug of society,
It pulls us in and fills our head,
With doubts and lies,
Strips us of who we are,
Just so we can be a clone,
But the doubts don’t stop,
The voices won’t be still,
You have to keep going until you’ve reached the top.
Soon you’ll realize that it’s not worth it,
All the pain and doubt will vanish,
One day you’ll learn to be yourself again,
The day will come and you’ll stop caring,
About the little things you thought were so big.
You’ll kick the drug called popularity,
And once you do you’ll realize,
That other people have to,
And that you’re never alone.
You’ll gain the one thing you never could,
When you were a clone,
You’ll have all the friends you could ever need,
Just for being you.