5 more days until Im levaing this hell hole...


in a campground YAY!I cant wait



until he calls me.. or comes to see me.. we really need to talk.. i know the most dreaded words of any person.. but this time im serious! when he (you) read this.. im goign to be in henniker, camping.. out until august.. then im going to the condo... adn then we'll hopefully find a place that i can call home.. the only thing i can call home right now is myself... im my own home.. all i need is me.. and thats that

Life is just one lucid dream....
 its too real to be true
But once you wake up, you realize your 6 feet under



 

well, I made the call.... AND:

basically, after an hour and a half of me and him cryign over the phone, harsh words being exchanged, I said:

  YOU THINK THIS HURTS?! how would you feel if you got your home and your flipping life taken away from you?! HOWS THIS FOR HURT?! THIS IS THE LAST TIME YOUR EVER HEARING FROM ME AGAIN!!!

 and then i hung up...
he never called back.. now i know its for real

grr im so fuckgin pissed.. I wish I got rid of that damn foot long scar on ym back.. its fuckign hideous.. all i want is scar removal.. ugh.. fuck life blwoz.. I wish the surgery never happend.. i shouldnt just been left there.. parylized.. then maybe sum 1would fuckign care. :/ bah!


Vengence against those that I love the most
why?
Because to them im like a fuckign ghost

LITERALLY!

I am sitting here
All alone,
In the corner of my room.
Been so long
Since anyones been there
To stand by while she sheds her tears
So lobng, since anyones been there
To help her rid her fears


I need a fuckign life.. i feel like death. I need some serius sleeping pillz, and drugz.. that should od me in good.. (hence the sarcasm) eveyrhings in the shitter right now.. and i dun think it can get any better than this.. *sighs*

I need someone to hold me, I want someone to care

I need someone to love me, someone with whom I can share

I want someone to tell me, that t will be okay.

I need someone beside me, to help me make it thorugh the day

I need someone to yell at, and someone to yell at me

I don't want to be alone anymore cant anybody see

I just want someone to love, someone with whom i can share

I just need somone to hold me, I want somoene to care


I love you Joel, and no matter what happens. nothing can change the way i love you.

I sent him a V-day card 3 days late yesterday, i wonder if i will hear fro him. *sighs* oh you have no idea how much i miss him

Valentines day is getting closer and closer, and still, no call... *sighs* I wish that everything would be okay, just need someone ot tell me its ok...

I geuss i should start listening to people when they try to help me... I dont know why i hold on, i just feel that it can be more than what it already has become... and if it lasts through june 21st.. then the worst is over, and only good can come from that... oh fck i hope im right. i miss him so much, i just dont know how to tell him... i wish that i could just start crying on the phone to him telling him how much i miss him, but i dont in fear of it sounding too sappy. so i sit here in my room, crying alone, talking to myself, as well as the other inatiment objectis in my room.... and taking my anger, and saddness out on me, myself... why im not sure, but all in all... its a lose, lose situation.. no matter how u think about it....


sometimes I just wonder, what would he do if i died? he doesnt call... he drops of the face of the earth for a good 2-3 months, and then calls me as if everythigns alright. when it really isnt.....he asks me if im ok.. i tell him yes... --- once again, telling a bold faced lie. --- i dont know why i cant tell him ... I just dont know what to do anymore... everythign i do gets fucked up... why am i even here..

  never let love control your life...
 

*sighs*

life sux
i get to have a tutor some to my house...i havent spoken to any of my real friends cept lizrd and tigerwitch <----very little. and confuzled.

i am in morbid pain
have an MRI on sunday for a slipped disk in my back
am almost partially paralyed
im on perkasette and some other wierd pill
i was in the hospital on wednesday from 11:47 pm till thursday. aorund 3-5 am. plus i was on 4 shots of morphine for the pain...
other than that

im dopign pretty good.

then again...

how exciting can living on a couch for the past freakin month get?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

arghh.....

*sigh*

CHAPTER 2
~~~~~~~
 It was about 11:30 AM when Nillenias mother called the cops. They arrived at 1:27 PM that day.
 "Okay!" The cop said merrily. "Just what do you think your doing,calling 9-1-1 because there's a puddle of blood in your yard?! It looks like some animal got in a fight with another one, that's all"
 "Y'know, for a cop, you sure do SUCK at doing your job!" Nillenia's mother stated sarcastically.
 "Look La -"
 "No! You look here!," she screamed, "Have yuo even checked this out yet? NO! You haven't even asked us what the hell happend!!!"
 "Okay, you're coming with me." The cop said sternly.
 "And just where do you think you're taking me?" She asked.
 "Down-town, where else?"
 On the ride to the police station, well, it was more than a sheriff's office thhan a police station. Anyways, on their way there, he asked them their names.
 "Mine is Nillenia," she stated, " And she's mymother, Rachielle."
 "I aksed for her to tell me her name, not you!" The cop said coldly.
 "so, would either of you like to tell me what the hell this is all about?" he asked.
 "I will," stated Nillenia.
 So she told the cop her dream thingy, and what she had found after that. The cop looked at Nillenia with a dumbfounded look. The same look her mother had given her earlier that day.
 "Now, would you mind telling us Your name?" rachielle questioned.
 "Daley, Officer J. Daley." He replied.
 "Okay then, I'll try and get a dectective down there ASAP... Just in case - ,"
 "Thank you." The two girls replied.
 Officer Daley brought Nillenia and Rachielle to the department for the night, until the detectives have forensics check out the 'evidence.'
 Later on that evening, Nillenia and her mother went out for pizza at a Pizza Palace, which was located a few blocks away from the sheriffs department. On their way there, Nillenia was having severe hot flashes. As soon as they started, she drove them to the elliot hospital, in NYC.

  Nillenia ran up to her mother in tears crying, "im so glad your alive!"
  "What the hell are you talking about? ?! Ive been living for the past 39 years! It's not like i died and came back," she exclaimed.
 Nillenia looked up into her eyes.
 "At least thats what YOU think," Nillenia remarked.
 "Well how about we just sit down and talk about my unkown death over breakfast," she asked ina jokingly voice.
 "HaHAHA, realllly funny...." nillenia sighed.
Her motehr walked over to the table and set down the biggest dish of eggs, bacon, and pancakes any one could have ever imagine, Nillenia laughed at the sight of it.
 "okay, so whats this i hear about me dying and being brought back to life, again" Her mother questioned curiously.
 "Ya really wanna know?" teased Nillenia.
 Nillenia went into her dream, and was very graphic about it. Her mother looked like she was going to be very sick. She also looked at Nillen as if she were psycho or something.
 right before nillenias mother opened her mouth to say something, nillenia blurted out, " did you get the newspaper yet?
  "no, not that i know of," her mom replied.
So without notice, Nillenia walked outside. And as she walked down the driveway, she looked over at the yard, in the area that the house, and the creatures had been. And in their place was a thick, dark maroon, pile of blood, which was located where her mother was lying. Horrified, Nillenia went to go back inside to get her mother. She brought her outside. Nillenia would never forget the look on her mother's face; Dead, and scared. She dragged Nillenia back inside teh house, picked up the phone, and went to dial 9-1-1. there was no dial tone. So she used her cell.

  There were these creatures, they resembled humans, but weren't. They were all in a circle - with her mother's body in the center. Her eyes were sewed shut, and bloody. Her mouth was stitched shut, and her stomach was cut open in the shape of a cross. Her poor, helpless body... ruined. As nillenia watched this, one of teh creatures looked up at her in her window, raised its gut covered arm, and stared withits black eyes. It murmered something to the others, and pointed its bloody, finger at her window.
  As soon as she saw it staring up at her, she screamed. Then she ran as fast as she could, towards teh front door. When she reached it, she locked it, and locked the rest of the windows and doors in the house.
  She ran abck to her room, and looked out her window. As she tilted her ehad to see if the creatures were still there, a loud, blod curdling screech, filled the air. Nillenia cried for help, but no one heard her. Nillenia turned around, for she had felt she was being watched. And when she did, the creature appeared in front of here.it was grimy, and had a sewer like stench. It opened its mouth wide, it had 4 sets of razor like teeth. Then he lifted both of its hands, and pointed one of its fingers at her eyes, while its other hand was slowly impaling itself in her body. She screamed, but failed, the more she struggled, teh more pain. she cold feel the thick, wet blood of her own body, slowly dripping down herself.


  And thats when nilenia woke up. Terrified, sweaty, and out of breath. Nillenia glanced at her clock; 10:47 AM. She walked down the hallway to their kitchen, and saw her mother. At that moment in time, She felt as if she couldnt have been happier.

   "Goodnight mom!" Nillenia yelled as she wlked into her room.
   "G'Night hun!" Her mother, Rachielle, Yelled back.
   Nillenia shut her door and tuned her radio to rock 101.1 FM, her favorite radio station. After she shut off the lights, she could feel her body slowly drifting off into a deep sleep.
   Nillenia slept for what seemed like hours, but was only in turn 1 1/2 hours.
   All of a sudden she heard this loud "CRASH". She got up,startled, and looked at her clock ; 12:01 AM - she sat in her bed, stupified. so she went down into her mothers room, and peeked in. There she was.. sound asleep.
  "Mom," Nillenia whispered. She didnt respond, so she tried again, "MOOOOOM!" this time she spoke louder... but still no response. So finally, NIllenia walked slowly over to her mother's side of the bed, and went to shake her.
  Nillenia jumped back..startled. Her mother's skin was like she was dead. Her skin was cold, and her hands veiny. Nillenia took a deep breath through her nose and felt as if she were to vomit. The air was stail, and had an excruciating, musty stench to it.
  NIllenia ran back up the stairs ot her room, telling her self that it was just a dream, over and over again until she had reached her room. She climbed back into bed, shut off her light, and tried to fall asleep again. She kept her eyes open for what seemed like hours. Finally, Nillenia got up and sat by her window. She peered out ino the back of her yard... what she saw was horrible.