Yeah...I finally posted a picture.

It's me, the one wearing a Bruce Lee shirt and the yellow track jacket. (Another homage to Bruce)

I dunno, appearances don't really mean much to me. I didn't want to put up a picture, just cause I thought it was goofy and I didn't want to attract weird peoples...

But, Jenny convinced me otherwise. I just don't care anymore. I like the picture. It's a couple months old, the picture, but still good.

My hair is longer now...But I think that's the only thing.

The two other gentlemen in the picture are my brothers.

Jon and Seiha. Jon is my best friend, and I consider him my brother. Seiha is my real brother, and we're pretty damn close.

Jon looks so happy in the picture. He's much happier than before...His smile is bigger and all. I spoke with him on the phone for 4 hours last night. It was good to catch up. I think I might head down for New Years.

And Seiha...He looks like he just doesn't give a damn. But, there is a big difference from before. Underneath that bored expression lies a good heart. He's one of the best people I know.

Together, we're a trio of...Asian guys...Umm..Whoo.

Represent.

-Chad-

Rêve.

Sueño.

Yume.

Traum.

夢.

All of these are the same words for what's been bothering me lately.

Dream.

My dreams lately haven't been what they usually are. I really don't dream. When I go to sleep, it's just darkness.

But lately? It's like...I'm having all these flashes of...weird images...

I dunno. I don't know enough about them to describe them..But..I wake up crying...or scared...Without really knowing why..

I dunno. Some of it worries me. I'm not gonna lie. I just know that these dreams aren't a good indication.

Maybe they're trying to tell me something...

I hope I'm just being paranoid.

-Chad-

"No matter how cold it gets...or how high the snow piles...
Spring will always come."


Gallants, I am not as I have been.

^^ One of my lines... I got the lead in our play. Benedick from Much Ado about Nothing. Tis Shakespeare.

Yeah. I dunno, I guess I really wanted the lead, but I'm not feeling it as much anymore. We haven't really done much but read outloud.

And...some of these classmates of mine...Goddamnit. Learn how to read....

It's not that I'm being snobby, just....you'd think someone would know the word 'youth.'

Other than that...I've been kinda busy. Homework, college stuff, family, and friends...just doesn't leave me with much time.

I even sold my first painting. $40 for my first sold piece. Makes me hope for greater things to come. I have an ambition to kick the living shit out of the art world. It'll be tough. But speaking of art...

I went to the New England Institute of Art. It was nice. The area around it was cool, and the people were nice. I could tell it was an art school, designed by art people. It was innovative, it was edgy, and colorful. The walls vibrant, and decorated with brilliant artwork. My kind of place.

Only two drawbacks. One, price. Two, I'd have to take a train to get from my dorm to the school.

Lame.

Anyhow, I enjoyed my stay in MA. I saw my wonderful aunt and uncle. They had marriage arguments left and right, and they were hilarious. My uncle is apparently a little obsessive compulsive, and it was great.

Even more hilarious? My old man.

We were talking about my future in a very serious manner, and I turned to my dad for his input while we were in the car.

Me: Dad?

Dad:....Oooooo. Look at the lights...

Me: ....Yeah. It's...'Christmas time.'

Dad: I see....Oooooo.

I guess, even though I love my friends and family so much..I don't think I'd find it too hard to leave. To just get away from everyone.

I guess I've been feeling dettached. From everyone. I'm just looking forward to getting the hell away.

I feel that my road to self discovery is just beginning. And I can only hope for better things to come.

-Chad-

I love my awesome friends...

-Chad-

Know Thyself.

Think about what that means...

'Who are you.'

Who you are means alot of things. I realize it can be taken kinda vague.

Who you are is basically your identity, right? What kind of person you are, what things you're into, and the things associated with you.

What you want. What you can offer. What you stand for.

..Those are pretty important things. It defines everything in our lives, and how people percieve us.

I've come to realize that I know exactly who I am.

I also know that many of the people that care about me, don't have that much faith in me.

I know who I am, and I believe in my own worth. If you don't have faith in me, then you don't know me.

It's apparent, I think.

I'm me.

But is that really you? Do you know what you want? Do you even really know who you are?

As someone once put it...You're 'beautifully broken.'

I'm not sure even time will mend those wounds.


-Chad-

I don't really think I understood the power of religion..until this morning...

Maybe, my faith will be restored to me.

Prayer of Confession:
"Sometimes we don't want to hear your words of forgiveness, Merciful One. Sometimes we have done things that we don't think deserve to be forgiven. There are people we have harmed who will never really forget and there are people who have hurt us that we don't want to forgive. How long will we hold ourselves and others unforgiven? Open our ears to your words of comfort. Open our hearts to the mercy of your love. Open our lives that we may once again be free."

Yeah..

-Chad-

'The notes of logic always bring forth the melody of Truth.'

You may think you have 'the best boyfriend in the world' but that doesn't mean you love him.

...And he's not.


Only time will tell how things turn out.

-Chad-

Of all the things I've done...

Of all the hopes and dreams I had.

Nothing is more vital than my memories.

I won't delete everything, block people, and pretend things are fine by running away.

...I know my faults. I admit them. But...the things I was accused of? Bullshit.

A new infatuation..Once again. I'm not surprised. This is all too familiar. And all so boring.

I'm not you. I do different things, and I don't run away.

I no longer wish to be associated with you...Or anything.

I know why it happened. But, it's no concern now. Just willing to move on, as I should have.

I have my memories.

Good. Bad. Sad.

...The happiest/saddest times of my life.

..All cherished.

...Because it makes me who I am. Who I will be. And who I'm associated with now.

...I am my own man.

...And I don't need you anymore...

I'll love you for the rest of my life. Not just because you were my first.

...But because when I say 'I love you' it's forever.

...That's what unconditional love is.

That's what my love is.

..Even if it gets taken for granted, it's my love.

You're just not worthy of it.

-Chad-

I just want things to go back to normal...

I hate dealing with this crap...

Its tough for both sides...

All I want is for you to be okay.

All I want is to hold you.

I hate this. So why is it happening?

Fun, fun..

Great time at the dance...

I had fun.

Then soccer game? Kick ass. 4-1, Us. Suck it, Dirigo. Poor Benji...Getting a concussion and all.

Ah. And then the quality time with the two bosom buddies...

...Who are SO friggin' WEIRD!!!!

...Seriously??? Who makes a brownie ball and gets a concussion from it???

...Finlay.

Or..I should say, Milkless.

Yeah. I'm Milkfull.

Dani's Milkduds.

...Damn. The Yellow Submarine. Totally random acid trip..

Anyhoo, a totally awesome 4 day weekend for me.

-Chad-

WOOT!

Wow...Can't believe how happy I am...

I SAW ADVENT CHILDREN!!!!

Oh man...

Talk about SWEET movie. Kicked so much ass..

So yeah. Suck it, lame asses.

...And I'll tell you some other time...

-Chad-

My diary won't be empty anymore...

I dunno about sad..

But definitely not empty..

Yeah, count it...

1.

...Right on.

-Chad-