Yeah...I turned 18.

I'm legal now..

Lottery tickets?

Cigarettes/cigars?

Porn?

I'm good for it!


Bizzatch!

-Chad-

Alright...it's about 11:00, I haven't finished my gov. paper, and I'm tired. I'm beginning to think I'm obsessed about this play. I took a Shakespeare character personality quiz and this is the result.


"You're urbane, a fan of the good things in life, and you love a laugh. You're Benedick, from Much Ado About Nothing. Just don't let your love of a good quip get in the way of your love-life."

Hmm..Yeah, it rocks. My favorite character, other than Hamlet and Iago.

-Chad-

March 14...

/)/)
( . .)
C(")(")

Beware the Ides of March...

-Chad-

Ah, so Valentine's day has passed...and well, I'm looking forward to vacation. Pretty damn bad, actually.

Yeah. I guess I went pretty crazy on Valentine's Day. I think I did enough embarrassing both Dani and myself.

Still. A sucess none the less.

How many people knew of my plan? Many. I needed help in my schemes.

I dubbed it, 'Operation Unicron...pt.4'

...Don't ask why.

I enlisted the help of some...unique individuals.

1. TJ. Timmy is my buddy. He's a member of NHS, and sold me a carnation to give to Dani. Also can set up lights and can get me into the auditorium.

2. Croteau. He's the man. He's my (un)offical chaffeur and right hand man.

3. Benji. He's a buffoon. But I luv him. He was teaching me how to play bass. For a price....rice. But I didn't wanna rhyme.

4. Hutchins. My pal. Sweet guy that knows how to hook up the sound system in the auditorium.

That was my team.

My plan? Well...I always have SOMETHING up my sleeve.

Insert evil laugh.

...Anyhow, I planned the day accordingly.

Phases.

1. Bought Dani a carnation days earlier. Written inside..is 'Goon.' (TJ) (Side note: Dani bought me one from TJ too. It read 'Fool')

2. Got Dani a doofy little kid valentine. 'Hope you have a FANTASTIC Valentines' Day!' With images of the Fantastic Four. Classic. (all me)

3. Stopped by Hannaford early in the morning. I went through out the store...trying to decide. Croteau waited patiently as I scrambled around. Got there 7:15 and left...7:40. I bought her a balloon and a card. I arrived at the checkout with Mr. Gamble ahead of me.

'...Chad...you don't look too sure of yourself there.'

'...I'm REALLY not, Mr. Gamble...'

'..Well, what do you have there?'

'..A balloon.'

'...'

'..And a card.'

'...Ah. Well-'

'I figured it out from every angle. I looked around, and figured that since I've already gotten her flowers, I'm set. Then, I thought about chocolate. I wondered, 'What if she doesn't LIKE chocolate?' I ruled that out. Then figured, hey...everyone loves balloons...and cards! So...voila.'

'...Hmm. I guess it's the thought that counts.'

'...Are you done?'

(Croteau)

4. The icing on the cake. I had Dani paged at the end of the day to go the auditorium. There, I waited anxiously. Lots of close calls right before it happened. This was the most important phase of the day. Auditorium time. (TJ,Hutchins, and Benji)

Hutchins and TJ had gotten me in. Timmy set up the lights and Hutchins installed the sound system. Benji waited behind closed curtains with a bass in hand.

..And there I stood. Waiting on the stage with a mike in my hand..

Dani walked in...

'Chad...do you know why we're here?'

'...I dunno. Wait a minute. Sit down...I gotta tell you something.'

'What?'

'...Just sit down.'

And then I exposed the microphone. And I sang...

'Imagine me and you....I do.

I think about you...day and night..it's only right..

To think about the one you love...and hold her tight...

So...happy...together....'


And I sang while Benji played...

Ok..maybe I messed up, but...overrall...

Valentine's Day was a success!

~Operation Unicron pt.4 Complete.

Hurray! Just thought I'd tell everyone.

...What will I think of next?



-Chad-

There's alot of things...that I wanted to say, or could've said.

I really wanted to say, 'Her diary is sad and empty, just like her.'

But I think...I've wasted more than enough time on a stupid girl that really doesn't mean anything anymore.

I don't even refer to her by her name. Just, a girl. A very stupid, selfish, train wreck of a girl.

I'm okay with that. I'm okay with harboring negative feelings towards her. She's hurt me deeply, multiple times. Lied, betrayed, and had personality changes at the drop of a hat.

All in all, I really don't care anymore. She's just a faded memory. But my hatred still burns very deeply. I think, it's her mark on this world.

Wherever she goes, hate and pain follow.

So brilliantly concealed. Behind mask over mask over mask.

I don't care if it seems harsh.

It is.

But I have a new thing to look forward to now.

A life without her at all.

It's never looked so damn good.

-Chad-

I'll consider this one hell of a great weekend.

Although I have a lack of sleep and feel slightly sick, I think I had one hell of a good time. It was sweet.

Went to Jon's house..Really early on Saturday...Hung out with him and family. It was awesome. We caught up, and watched this GREAT Korean movie. I don't care what anyone says...It was a romantic comedy called 'My Sassy Girl.' And it rocked.

Then, got back home in time to spend New Years with the terrible twosome. Dani and Serene. Oh, the debauchery... Hence the 'conquering' of Dani's bed. Yeah..

But today? Oh wow...I had an awesome New Years. My cousin's birthday is today, and we celebrated. But, at the same time, we celebrated my uncle's engagement. I get a new aunt! She's an awesome lady.

The whole family sat and watched this Thai action film...It was called 'The Honor of the Beast.' Pretty much the same plot as 'Ong Bak' but an elephant instead of a Buddha. It was amazing. Tony Jaa is my hero. Thai action films with him are starting to rival HK films.

Anyhow, I've filled out my applications, just gotta get other forms from Guidance and find out how the hell I did on my SAT's. I got my results, but I can't make heads or tails of it. I'm assuming I did ok. Yeah, I did fine...

Oh well. School tomorrow. Damnit. Everyone gets the day off except us...Lame...

But I'm happy to have such an awesome family.

-Chad-

Yeah...I finally posted a picture.

It's me, the one wearing a Bruce Lee shirt and the yellow track jacket. (Another homage to Bruce)

I dunno, appearances don't really mean much to me. I didn't want to put up a picture, just cause I thought it was goofy and I didn't want to attract weird peoples...

But, Jenny convinced me otherwise. I just don't care anymore. I like the picture. It's a couple months old, the picture, but still good.

My hair is longer now...But I think that's the only thing.

The two other gentlemen in the picture are my brothers.

Jon and Seiha. Jon is my best friend, and I consider him my brother. Seiha is my real brother, and we're pretty damn close.

Jon looks so happy in the picture. He's much happier than before...His smile is bigger and all. I spoke with him on the phone for 4 hours last night. It was good to catch up. I think I might head down for New Years.

And Seiha...He looks like he just doesn't give a damn. But, there is a big difference from before. Underneath that bored expression lies a good heart. He's one of the best people I know.

Together, we're a trio of...Asian guys...Umm..Whoo.

Represent.

-Chad-

Rêve.

Sueño.

Yume.

Traum.

夢.

All of these are the same words for what's been bothering me lately.

Dream.

My dreams lately haven't been what they usually are. I really don't dream. When I go to sleep, it's just darkness.

But lately? It's like...I'm having all these flashes of...weird images...

I dunno. I don't know enough about them to describe them..But..I wake up crying...or scared...Without really knowing why..

I dunno. Some of it worries me. I'm not gonna lie. I just know that these dreams aren't a good indication.

Maybe they're trying to tell me something...

I hope I'm just being paranoid.

-Chad-

"No matter how cold it gets...or how high the snow piles...
Spring will always come."


Gallants, I am not as I have been.

^^ One of my lines... I got the lead in our play. Benedick from Much Ado about Nothing. Tis Shakespeare.

Yeah. I dunno, I guess I really wanted the lead, but I'm not feeling it as much anymore. We haven't really done much but read outloud.

And...some of these classmates of mine...Goddamnit. Learn how to read....

It's not that I'm being snobby, just....you'd think someone would know the word 'youth.'

Other than that...I've been kinda busy. Homework, college stuff, family, and friends...just doesn't leave me with much time.

I even sold my first painting. $40 for my first sold piece. Makes me hope for greater things to come. I have an ambition to kick the living shit out of the art world. It'll be tough. But speaking of art...

I went to the New England Institute of Art. It was nice. The area around it was cool, and the people were nice. I could tell it was an art school, designed by art people. It was innovative, it was edgy, and colorful. The walls vibrant, and decorated with brilliant artwork. My kind of place.

Only two drawbacks. One, price. Two, I'd have to take a train to get from my dorm to the school.

Lame.

Anyhow, I enjoyed my stay in MA. I saw my wonderful aunt and uncle. They had marriage arguments left and right, and they were hilarious. My uncle is apparently a little obsessive compulsive, and it was great.

Even more hilarious? My old man.

We were talking about my future in a very serious manner, and I turned to my dad for his input while we were in the car.

Me: Dad?

Dad:....Oooooo. Look at the lights...

Me: ....Yeah. It's...'Christmas time.'

Dad: I see....Oooooo.

I guess, even though I love my friends and family so much..I don't think I'd find it too hard to leave. To just get away from everyone.

I guess I've been feeling dettached. From everyone. I'm just looking forward to getting the hell away.

I feel that my road to self discovery is just beginning. And I can only hope for better things to come.

-Chad-

I love my awesome friends...

-Chad-

Know Thyself.

Think about what that means...

'Who are you.'

Who you are means alot of things. I realize it can be taken kinda vague.

Who you are is basically your identity, right? What kind of person you are, what things you're into, and the things associated with you.

What you want. What you can offer. What you stand for.

..Those are pretty important things. It defines everything in our lives, and how people percieve us.

I've come to realize that I know exactly who I am.

I also know that many of the people that care about me, don't have that much faith in me.

I know who I am, and I believe in my own worth. If you don't have faith in me, then you don't know me.

It's apparent, I think.

I'm me.

But is that really you? Do you know what you want? Do you even really know who you are?

As someone once put it...You're 'beautifully broken.'

I'm not sure even time will mend those wounds.


-Chad-

I don't really think I understood the power of religion..until this morning...

Maybe, my faith will be restored to me.

Prayer of Confession:
"Sometimes we don't want to hear your words of forgiveness, Merciful One. Sometimes we have done things that we don't think deserve to be forgiven. There are people we have harmed who will never really forget and there are people who have hurt us that we don't want to forgive. How long will we hold ourselves and others unforgiven? Open our ears to your words of comfort. Open our hearts to the mercy of your love. Open our lives that we may once again be free."

Yeah..

-Chad-

'The notes of logic always bring forth the melody of Truth.'

You may think you have 'the best boyfriend in the world' but that doesn't mean you love him.

...And he's not.


Only time will tell how things turn out.

-Chad-

Of all the things I've done...

Of all the hopes and dreams I had.

Nothing is more vital than my memories.

I won't delete everything, block people, and pretend things are fine by running away.

...I know my faults. I admit them. But...the things I was accused of? Bullshit.

A new infatuation..Once again. I'm not surprised. This is all too familiar. And all so boring.

I'm not you. I do different things, and I don't run away.

I no longer wish to be associated with you...Or anything.

I know why it happened. But, it's no concern now. Just willing to move on, as I should have.

I have my memories.

Good. Bad. Sad.

...The happiest/saddest times of my life.

..All cherished.

...Because it makes me who I am. Who I will be. And who I'm associated with now.

...I am my own man.

...And I don't need you anymore...

I'll love you for the rest of my life. Not just because you were my first.

...But because when I say 'I love you' it's forever.

...That's what unconditional love is.

That's what my love is.

..Even if it gets taken for granted, it's my love.

You're just not worthy of it.

-Chad-

I just want things to go back to normal...

I hate dealing with this crap...

Its tough for both sides...

All I want is for you to be okay.

All I want is to hold you.

I hate this. So why is it happening?

Fun, fun..

Great time at the dance...

I had fun.

Then soccer game? Kick ass. 4-1, Us. Suck it, Dirigo. Poor Benji...Getting a concussion and all.

Ah. And then the quality time with the two bosom buddies...

...Who are SO friggin' WEIRD!!!!

...Seriously??? Who makes a brownie ball and gets a concussion from it???

...Finlay.

Or..I should say, Milkless.

Yeah. I'm Milkfull.

Dani's Milkduds.

...Damn. The Yellow Submarine. Totally random acid trip..

Anyhoo, a totally awesome 4 day weekend for me.

-Chad-

WOOT!

Wow...Can't believe how happy I am...

I SAW ADVENT CHILDREN!!!!

Oh man...

Talk about SWEET movie. Kicked so much ass..

So yeah. Suck it, lame asses.

...And I'll tell you some other time...

-Chad-

My diary won't be empty anymore...

I dunno about sad..

But definitely not empty..

Yeah, count it...

1.

...Right on.

-Chad-