so long ago life seemed so good, ajay was almost always around.... now hes almsot never here. i cry myself to sleep wishing he was there to just hold me till i feel alseep, atlest till i was asleep... i cry now, for he is not here, he is my only love, 9 munths have passed, since the day i saw him ive been inlove with this man, 9 munths and 1 day ago is when he too realised he needed me in his life. i hate to see him sad, i hate to let him down, i cut becouse im in pain, and it hurts him just to see the gashes, im only 17 years old... but ive known since i was 15 i loved this man, the man i would die a thousend painfull deaths to give him true hapyness. some day i hope that every night i fall asleep, its in his arms, every morning i awake, i havent moved an inch, dreams seem so distant when i awake and he is not there. i wait all day just to have an hour with him by my side.. tears fall when hes not here, some times when he is, he may say some hurtfull things, but he never means it,hes quick to say hes sorry, he doesnt want to cause mypain and cutting, hes the only reason i havent pushed that blade an inch into my wrist. the only reason i live. love hurts, but its such a great hurt. such a pain that reminds you.. your still alive... you care for this other human so much you would die for them, and it scares you, but you dont want to let go. love is such a beautiful pain.... a pain i cant live without. my love, Andrew Jay Huntress.

*yawns* i dont really use this.. i have a real live journal... but sum things up sunday morning from 1 am- 7 am best time ive had in a long time.. went to cumberland farms with ajay got a bunch of scratch tickets.. lost over 20 bucks lol, drove around listening to music. went to big fords got some food, then went and watched the sun rise at 5.. made it just in time. was perfect. i dont think i could live with out ajay. he thinks its cute i have a crush on keri... *blushes* i havent liked a girl in years... but i just love her so much.

had a small argument thing with ajay, i made him dinner, steak, wich hes been bugging me to make him since we started going out... so i wanted to sit with him at MY house and watch something not boxing or rocky3... he got all pissy, im all PMSing im frustrated... he goes to other room.. i just want to be with him and comprimise on something to watch... but now.. im also a few days late on my period so im all parinoid. got mad, he left... i cryed.. mom said i should leave him... i call him tell him im thinking of just breaking up.. he comes over again, we talk, and get things cleared up. i didnt really want to break up, but my mind is just so stressed and frustrated, i didnt know what else to think of doing... if i wasnt with him, id be at home every day crying... i wouldnt leave, not for family or friends... just sit in my room morning my missing love... wundering if he misses me too.