tomarrow will mark 1 munth with BEN!, hes a sweetheart, i met him 2.5 years ago int he hospital when i was 16, we finally met up after ajay broke up with me jan 14, me and him met jan 16, and hooked up, i moved in with him at an apartment with his buddy and co worker about a week ago, 3 weeks and we alaready moved in together, to fast maybe.... but it feels right, he takes care of me the best he can, i still havent found a job... so yea... moneys tight, i pawned some dvdss to help with some bills and what not...i hope to get a job soon and help out. any ways, ill be online cuz theres internet here, aim=vampire spaz
myspace= www.myspace.co
all i ever wanted
all i ever needed
WAS here in my arms...
it always seems like when your single.. every one else has some one... it always seems like they all got invited to this great party.. while all you can do is sit outside in the rain... sad, wanting to be in there.
nobody loves no one...
even if you think you dont like some one..
theres some one who seems to find there way into your mind
unexpected, you sit watching tv, going for a walk, sitting on the computer, cleaning, showering,layi
dont let them slip away.. dont let a chance go by where you could have said something but didnt... let that person know how much you care about them... dont they deserve it?
and i was thinking about you the whole time i wrote that... nd you know who you are... i miss you.
simply a look, could break your heart.
its a rainy slow day... i kind of like it. no sun to be seen, just thick clouds of rain.
... i miss him... and i dont want to.
a bullet threw the brain would stop that
but i dont have a gun... so dont worrie.
another morning to only dream
that tomarrow will never come
another morning alone and cold
just wishing i could be comfertably numb
with my luck ill live to be 100 years old
and still be alone the day i die
yet another morning in my mind
over and over inside i cry
but outside not a tear falls
wishing that special some one calls
but knowing theres no one for me
no one wants some one whos dead as dead can be
screaming inside my head
why the fuck am i not dead
theres no point in living even another minute
with out some one else with me in it
suffer on the inside... smile on the out
i hide my feelings from the real world
and leave ever one the benifit of dout
youll never understand
unless you are where i stand
been in my shoes and seen what ive seen
lived the life ive lived
cried the tears ive cried
slept cold nights alone
and just wished, and prayed
that some one would kill you already
dont tell me youll always be there
youll never leave me alone
because you cant make promises like that
when you dont know what will become of tomarrow
so take your so called kindness
and just leave me be to rot away
forever alone.. forever ill stay.
sitting lost in a world ive never seen
thoughts race over and over as my mind screams
some one save me
some one take me from myself
i wonder if any one gives a shit
im scared and lonely as hell
but theres no one here i can tell
and all i can do is sit in my mind and scream
some one save me
some one take me away from myself
theres no one hearing me
ill have to save myself
trouble always finds me
but i always find a way out of it
just like my father jake the snake
i sneak my way by even if i have to be fake
but i still scream inside my head
some one save me
some one take me from myself
no one listening
no one seems to know im there
looks like ill have to save myself
so over and over i hear my mind scream
but not even i cant here it it seems
as it slowly drifts away in the back of my head
faint sounds of some one needing help
some one save me
some one take me from myself
of all the things he could have said, all the names and mean things he has stored in mind, he chose this one word to be his last... "you fucking CUNT" the one word i will not respond to happly when a man says it to me... the one word no woman deserves to be called. and why did he call me that name? because i wanted to go swimming at my fathers. because he wanted to lay around the house in his underwear. because he knows and hes afraid i can walk out of his life any second... and never come back.
im leaving in october to go see my brother and mother... im going october 4th... i might come back i might not... who knows at this point.
some drunk teens stole my bfs car, they even told a girl in my apartment building they had some ones car keys and were playing around the car, but ofcourse the girl did not speak up till way to late, my bfs car is about3 feet off the ground on a tree stump about 20-30 feet into the woods out front of my house, if the little basterds had goten a bit farther it would have been in a pound. ofcourse cops, USLESS PILES! made no arest, even after the girl told them who had his keys and was playing in it. my bfs walet,butterfl
so long ago life seemed so good, ajay was almost always around.... now hes almsot never here. i cry myself to sleep wishing he was there to just hold me till i feel alseep, atlest till i was asleep... i cry now, for he is not here, he is my only love, 9 munths have passed, since the day i saw him ive been inlove with this man, 9 munths and 1 day ago is when he too realised he needed me in his life. i hate to see him sad, i hate to let him down, i cut becouse im in pain, and it hurts him just to see the gashes, im only 17 years old... but ive known since i was 15 i loved this man, the man i would die a thousend painfull deaths to give him true hapyness. some day i hope that every night i fall asleep, its in his arms, every morning i awake, i havent moved an inch, dreams seem so distant when i awake and he is not there. i wait all day just to have an hour with him by my side.. tears fall when hes not here, some times when he is, he may say some hurtfull things, but he never means it,hes quick to say hes sorry, he doesnt want to cause mypain and cutting, hes the only reason i havent pushed that blade an inch into my wrist. the only reason i live. love hurts, but its such a great hurt. such a pain that reminds you.. your still alive... you care for this other human so much you would die for them, and it scares you, but you dont want to let go. love is such a beautiful pain.... a pain i cant live without. my love, Andrew Jay Huntress.
*yawns* i dont really use this.. i have a real live journal... but sum things up sunday morning from 1 am- 7 am best time ive had in a long time.. went to cumberland farms with ajay got a bunch of scratch tickets.. lost over 20 bucks lol, drove around listening to music. went to big fords got some food, then went and watched the sun rise at 5.. made it just in time. was perfect. i dont think i could live with out ajay. he thinks its cute i have a crush on keri... *blushes* i havent liked a girl in years... but i just love her so much.
had a small argument thing with ajay, i made him dinner, steak, wich hes been bugging me to make him since we started going out... so i wanted to sit with him at MY house and watch something not boxing or rocky3... he got all pissy, im all PMSing im frustrated... he goes to other room.. i just want to be with him and comprimise on something to watch... but now.. im also a few days late on my period so im all parinoid. got mad, he left... i cryed.. mom said i should leave him... i call him tell him im thinking of just breaking up.. he comes over again, we talk, and get things cleared up. i didnt really want to break up, but my mind is just so stressed and frustrated, i didnt know what else to think of doing... if i wasnt with him, id be at home every day crying... i wouldnt leave, not for family or friends... just sit in my room morning my missing love... wundering if he misses me too.