i think i've relized that this thing between and certain person and i isn't really worth my effort.. Like damn i get complaments everyday where i work and it's sad because i see my friends more then i see or talk to him... It's kinda sad because he used to call me constantly and now that he hasn't it doesn't bother me at all. Sure i want to talk to him but what's the point he won't change... I don't know anymore i love him and that's plain to see everyone knows it even the people i didn't want knowing.. I could of lost my best friend for him but it doesn't matter to him why because he doesn't care... I don't know my friend Chris is more compassionate then he is. I don't know anymore. I don't think it's worth it anymore.....

OMG yesterday was soooo much fun.. Rob, Chris, Ashley, and a few more ppl stayed after for the FFA banquet.. And *Rob* and i hung out alot that night it was soo much fun he challenged Ben to a fight and If you know Ben he's not that strong. So i was being a smart allic and said Ben would win and i walked away and Rob ran around the cornor and this was very hott in my book, pushed me towards the wall and he said " wait what did you say" and i said " I just said i bet on Ben" and he told me " what i'll show you" but my hands were holding his and then he agressively gave me a long kiss.!! It was very sexy!! I'd do that any day with him.. Then later i got my greenhand award!! Yay!! lol then he wanted me to sit with him so i did and we held hands and just talked and he kept kissing my hand and that was cute in my case. But yeah after that i was telling Kate how my boots were killing me and so i took those off and i told her my bra kept falling down. And he told me " Is that a bad thing" So i made out with him aggressivly in front of my locker.. Then we left out side trying to find mine and his parents and then we kissed goodbye.. But it was cute this morning i called him because i was going off to work and i woke him up i felt so bad.. But he sounded so cute when he's tired!! But yeah i love u rob and can't wait till Monday!!

hey ppl what's up?? I'm soo tired i'm n school rite now, i have long block of landscape design.. ugh i'm soo sick of that class. It's become soo boring!!

[ What happens when you don't know what you want anymore if the one person you truely love is not sure if he cares about you the same? If you cry everytime he's sad or depressed? Even when i talk to him on the phone my emotions conceide me to believing that he doesn't want me he's just toying with me.. But for me to let my guard down and let him get close to me and say he loves me is a step i want to take but i'm nervous because he doesn't show his emotions that well, and we've drawn so much apart that i don't know if i'm the person he wants me to be... And it makes me depressed because i want to be everything he wants and i don't think i can be that person.! And in his stories they hurt because i don't know how to express my feeling towards him without hurting him.. His poems/stories destroy me when ever i read them because their all true. I just wish i could prove to him that i love him with all my heart but i don't know if i can prove my love to him because of being alone for most of my Sophmore year i can't look straight in his eyes with out crying because i love him but i just sad that in his stories he doesn't feel the same. My life has allways crumbled from not letting myself go and love again.]  

I wish he was there to catch me when i fell..

catch me as i fall
say you're here and it's all over now
speaking to the atmosphere
no one's here and i fall into myself
this truth drives me into madness
i know i can stop the pain if i will it all away

don't turn away
don't give in to the pain
don't try to hide
though they're screaming your name
don't close your eyes
God knows what lies behind them
don't turn out the light
never sleep never die

i'm frightened by what i see
but somehow i know that there's much more to come
immobilized by my fear
and soon to be blinded by tears
i can stop the pain if i will it all away

don't turn away
don't give in to the pain
don't try to hide
though they're screaming your name
don't close your eyes
God knows what lies behind them
don't turn out the light
never sleep never die

fallen angels at my feet
whispered voices at my ear
death before my eyes
lying next to me i fear
she beckons me shall i give in
upon my end shall i begin
forsaking all i've fallen for i rise to meet the end

This is for a certain someone and you know who you are!!

my immortal
i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along

Damn today was soo much fun! Liz stayed at my house on Friday and Saturday and it was soo much fun!! lol in the morning we went jogging and then we got online and we chatted. It was soo much fun! Their was this guy mowing his lawn a cute guy and i was just playin around and i was given signs and i licked my lips and he was being funny he let the lawn mower just go and i took off my sweat shirt and her and i started jogging and when i looked back he was starin it was funny! lol i'm such a nerd about that... Yeah but it was soo much fun Liz took one of my condoms and blew it up and that shit got really fuckin BIG!! It got really big and it was still strechy! lol it was funny! We got pics of that!! lol we were being dumb. Then it started to rain and my dad's car the roof was down so we ran everywhere to find some keys and finally we ran outside when it was rainy we found a spare in his glove compartment it was so funny and we were just soaked. And we took a shower together that was interesting!! lol. Then today, We went jogging 3 times today it was very fun then she dyed my hair brown it looks soo cute!!! lol it's so fun having her over!!

ugh i'm so sick of CAPT ( Connecticut Aplitude Practice Test).. It sucks ass!! I hate it.. But it's also fun in some ways cause well i'm with a interesting group it's me, Liz, Hope, Robby, Tim, and Charles.. lolz it was soo much fun though.. After we finished both Capt's for today we went out to the fish tanks and it was so funny cause Charles took the sharks out of thier tanks. lolz their tiny sharks. But it was funny!! But he threw them back in b4 the shark died. It was sooooooo much fun.. To bad Capt ends soon.. Even though i hate it i'll miss the stupid things we did.. lolz

Today is no school for me!! YAY!! lolz. But yeah my kittie came back home = >!!!! I was happy about that! So yeah it snowed up here in Connecticut again.. ugh soooooo sick of snow.. oh well. sooooooo bored..

Today is a bad day....... = <
I can't find my kittie he's lost somewhere!!! I miss him sooooooooooo much now!! He's my everything.. He's my everything and i miss him right now!!! tearz

damn today was a great day!! Today i made fun of Rob and his ugly ass girlfriend Amanda.. Then lata in tha day i was still making fun of them!! Then when tha day was almost done ma friend nikki needed a shirt for gym so we asked Chad- A REALLY REALLY SEXY GUY for a shirt so he only had the one he was wearing so he took his shirt off DAMN that boi has a FINE BODY!! lol. horny.. wow.. He's very musculer it was hott!! Damn can't wait to see him tomorrow!! lol..
lata

Yeah today is been very boring but oh well!!! lol. So yeah i'm in skool that's why. But oh well... So yeah i don't kno what to write about so i'll just say bye!!

ugh soo fuckin tired.. yawns streches on bed.. yawn i have to get up soo early in the fricken morning to go to NY to see some gates thing?? i don't kno wat it is but oh well~~!!! lol so yeah i'm going to bed wanna join?? lol joking.. Damn i must be tired..