What Am I To You?

You do not walk in this world
You are destruction
Absolute
You sleep on a bed of bones


And so i wait for you
Here at home
I wait to hug you,
To make you smile once again

Am i your salvation?
I don't know,
You tell me,
But all i know?

You're not alone.

The desolated church stood abandoned and forlorn amidst the leaves of the forest. I felt tears welling behind my eyes, inexplicably saddned by this morose sight. Moonlight spilled like silver glass onto the building, moss and mould clinging to the holy, cracked and broken stones in a fit of devilish hatred. The building seemed medieval, built in gothic repose, proud and adament in it's ageing decay, refusing to submit to the creeper vines that wound around it's arches, the skeletal remains of the roof poking through as a corpse to the battered light would strive. I leant heavily on the young rowan tree beside me, a blessing on my lips. I should not be here. Me, with my own idea of faith, me, myself, and my thoughts. Sliding the heavy backpack from my aching shoulders, i slunk, almost fearfully, towards the doorway. This in itself was an ugly duckling. The beautiful carved arch almost hidden under ivy, the wooden doors rotting, strong, and stinking. Silently, i mouthed an apology to the Christian God, hoping i wasn't offending what he stood for. The beauty of the decaying, destroyed church took away my breath, leaving my still form in the doorway, terror slowly sinking into my bones, the knowledge that i shouldn't be here, that i should leave and pretend i had never found this sacred place eating away at my concience.
There were only six rows of pews, the delicate wood eaten away in some parts. The floor, for the most part was still clear of debris and creepers, the wood of the roof long having been either pillaged for firewood, or disintegrated into dust.
There, carved like an everlasting reminder of the faith, celtic cross. This was no Christian Church. Calm streamed over me, white light edging my vision as i felt power surge in a dizzying rush through me. I was safe.


A soft smile graced my mouth, as i thought to my deities.
Turning, i left the chapel, walking out into the blackness, unafraid, and brazen.

Dawn begins to creep over my sea. My land, my stability. My fingers run through the sand, reassuring, like the fall of time, and the passing of things. I am not alone, i realise, a slow, delighted smile creeping over my mouth. I can be stronger. Contentment flows over me, the cold evaporating as a warmth blasts through my blood in a hot rush. i am not alone.

Tears dry on my face, and the harsh, harsh bite of the cold sea breeze stings my cheeks. Why don't they understand? For some reason, no one understands that no matter how hard i try, no matter how hard they want me to change, to understand them, i can't. Sighing, i wrap my arms around my knees, which were drawn up to my chest to glean some warmth. I may as well not have bothered. My insides had become ice. Staring out at the sea, the sparkling, grey abyss of nothingness that seems to stretch out to infinity, my thoughts shift to the hurt i had cried over not long before. He hurt me so much. If felt like i could cry for ever, sat here in my refuge, the hidden beach quiet and secluded. Leaning back on my arms, my rough hands discovered a pebble. Anger welled up inside me again. I wish...i wish i was a rock. Lurching suddenly to my feet, ignoring the pain in my dead legs, i hurled the stone, watching in morbid satisfaction as it smashed against the huge rock in the middle of the small cove, shards flying everywhere.
The moon had risen, i looked up, feeling the cold light bathe my pale face. I wanted to be like the moon, pure, beautiful. My toes wriggled in my shoes, and, looking down, i spotted a bottle, washed up from the popular beach around the corner. It's sharp, dirty edges glinted menacingly. That was me. Sharp edges, dirty, and alone.

you know when you're so frustrated that you want to cry? That how i feel at the moment. You spend so much time trying to set the record straight, when the scratch on the vinyl starts to jump, you don't know whether to smash the record or persevere. I'll never smash the record. I can't. But i just feel like however much i try to help, it's never enough.

The Perfect Guy:
[Hair Color:] hmm. I don't really mind
[Eye Color:] green
[Height:] taller than me...but then...lots of people are taller than me...
[Six Pack:] please!! *big grin*
[Long or Short Hair:] longish...i like curly haried lads..sruffy, y'know?
[Glasses or contacts:] Probably contacts, but if he looked good in glasses...;P
[Piercings:] not really...
[Scars: ]doesn't matter., i have a fair few of my own, so i'd be being a bit of an arse if i said no...
[Buff or Skinny:] hmm. Medium...
[Funny or Serious:] i need him to make me laugh, but he has to know when to be serious.
[Party or Stay at home:] stay at home...
[Should he know how to cook:] yeah. 'Cos i sure as hell can't...
[Should he have a best friend:] Of course! Who else will he talk to when he's sick of me!?
[Should he have a lot of girl friends:] yeah, as long as thats what they are. Friends.
[Outgoing or Shy:] middle-i don't really mind.
[Sarcastic or Sincere:] Both, heh...
[Should he watch chick flicks:] By choice? Or because i made him? (it wouldn't happen...i hate chick flicks)
[Would he smoke:] no
[Would he drink:] yeah, i don't mind that.
[Would he swear:] not fussed. Up to him really.
[Would he play with your hair:] yeee....no. I don't know!
[One or more girls at a time:] 'Scuse me??!!
[Bad Boy or Good Boy:] good boy...bad when needed though...*wink*
[Would he kiss you on the first date:] depends how well i know him.
[Where would you go to dinner:] 'slong as it's good food,we could go to a chip van and i wouldn't care.
[Would he bring you flowers:] not all the time. A surprise would be nice.
[Would he lay under the stars with you:] Hmm. Yeah. Probably wouldn't see much of the stars though...
[Would he write poetry about you:] god no. Ugly as sin, soooo wouldn't work!!
[Would he call you hunny or baby:] I call EVERYONE honey...so i couldn't care less.
[Would he hang out with your friends:] Hopefully he'd be my friend in the first place, so yeah. I need their approval too...
[Would you hang out with his friends:] yeah, s'long as they were nice people.
[Would he walk you to the door at the end of the date:] yes.
[Would he hold your hand:] yeah, i like that. Not too clingy though...then i just feel trapped.
[Would he play sports:] Rugby. I play, so i'd understand. Football? Pish-tosh. Haven't got a clue...
[Would he sing:] probably. as long as it isnt to me from underneath my window...
[Would he play an instrument:] I always find guitar players cute...
[Would he keep his room clean:] whatever he feels comfortable in. I can't stand it when people go on about thier man's messy room. IT'S HIS FRIGGIN ROOM!
[Would he paint, draw or sculpt:] i don't know...probably draw.
[Would he write his own music:] if he plays an instrument, probably.
[Would he use the word "dude":] His choice.
[Would he use the word "tight'':] hee...depends on what he's talking about.
[Would he watch the sunrise or sunset with you:] If he wants to. Same theory as the stars though.
[What kind of car would he drive:] No idea.
[How old would he be:] same age, or older than me.
[Does your dream guy resemble your real boyfriend:] I'm single, so that would be a no!!

TYPE YOUR NAME WITH YOUR…


Thumbs Together: LOUISE
Nose: LOUISE
Elbow: LOUISER
Tongue: LOUISE
Chin: LOUISE
Foot: LOUIISDEN
Eyes closed and one finger: LOYUI
Back of your hand: kl08uyuidsre
Palm: loui8dxsre4
Mouse: lo8u9e
Wrist: loui9swe4e
Big Toe: louiisre
Forehead: o0lp,87swe43

good god. and no-that was not typed with my tongue.

Is there anything you regret not doing in life: erm. i'm not sure...
What is the most important lesson you've learned from life: it can be harsh. Live it to the full.
Do you live in the moment: pretty much
Do you have any secrets: no...*looks about warily*
Do you hate yourself: sometimes
Do you have any bad habits: biting my nails. I've tried everything...
Can you sing: I can, i suppose. 
Slept together with the opposite sex
without actually having sex?: yep.
Slept all day: not sure about all day. i can sleep for 15 hours straight though. 
Do you think you are emotionally strong: Fairly. Though i can't take everyones problems and deal wiht my own. Like at the moment, everything is so fucked up....
Are you confident: no.
Are you perceived wrongly:pretty much.
Do drugs: Nope
sleep with stuffed animals: i prefer guys, thanks.
Been out of the country: Yes , several times.
Been unfaithful: Never. That's not fair on the other person.
been in love: no, thankfully. 
had surgery: no, thankfully. Lets hope it stays that way, shall we?
played strip poker:I must be the only 16 year old that hasn't, but hey! Non-Conformist here...
Slept outdoors: yes-and it was bloody freeezing too. 
Pulled an all-nighter: yes-gods i regretted it.
if yes, what is your record: the person who wrote these questions clearly didn't look at the one they just wrote.
Gone one day without food: nope. i love my grub.
Talked on the phone all night:no. I get too tired.
Killed someone: No, yet. I have a hitlist....(charv's, beware...)
Made out with a stranger: once. On a beach. In the middle of nowhere. Regret it? No.
Had sex with a stranger: No. 
Kissed the same sex: No. Oh wait..! No. 
Done anything sexual with the same sex: Don't think so.
Been betrayed: oh hell yes.
Had a dream that came true: scarily, all the time. 
Broken the law: yes. But nothing big.

Met a famous person: uhuh. I am famous, daaaaaaarling! *giggles*
Have you ever killed an animal by accident: no. 
Stolen anything: nope, i'm not saaaaaaaad!
Been on radio/TV: yep, did a radio interview and a tV one too.
Had a dream that kept coming back: When i'm ill, i have the same dream. The same dream for every time i'm ill. It's not like it changes either.
Believe it's possible to remain faithful
forever: i hope so. 
Believe there's a pot of gold at the end of
the rainbow: Yes! all we have to do is find the end of the bloody thing.
What's the last present someone gave
you: a necklace.
Favorite weather: light, warm rain.
Astrological sign: Aquarian. 

LAYER ONE:
-- Name: Louise
-- Nickname: Lou, LouLou, Tink, Tinkers, Ainsworth, BogBog, Persil, Shortarse, Midget and many, many more!
-- Birth date: 30/01/89
-- Birthplace: Northumberland
--Current location: England
-- Eye color: grey/blue/green
-- Hair color: red
-- Height: 5"4
-- Righty or lefty:write with the left, everything else with the right.


LAYER TWO
-- Your heritage: Norwegian, Irish, Gypsy and Scottish.
-- Your weakness: a nice smile.
-- Your fears: Large Crowds. don't like it at school for gods sake.
-- Your perfect pizza:margehrita
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: write a novel.



LAYER THREE
-- Your most overused phrase:"right, ok."
-- Your thoughts first waking up: what time is it?!?! how late am i today?!
-- Your best physical feature: it's not my place to say, That would be boasting.
-- Your bedtime: When i get tired. 
-- Your most missed memory: Grandad.



LAYER FOUR
-- Soda: erm.....
-- Fast food joint:McDonalds. sadly. 
-- Single or group dates: not gonna happen, so why say?
-- Adidas or Nike: neither. They're both shite.
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Liptons.
-- Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate
-- Cappuccino or coffee: Neither-both mank.



LAYER FIVE
-- Smoke: No
-- Cuss: I do infuckingdeed.
-- Sing: yeah, in a band...
-- Take a shower every day: yeah
-- Have a crush(es): Yes. No. Sort of....
-- Do you think you've been in love: no.
-- Want to go to collage: Yes
-- Like high school: it could be worse i suppose...
-- Want to get married: no. no. no.
-- Believe in yourself: No
-- Get motion sickness: *laughs* oh yeah!
-- Think you're attractive: NO.
-- Think you're a health freak: Thankfully not. Though me damn figure could use it.
-- Get along with your parents: Most of the time.
-- Like thunderstorms: I love them
-- Play an instrument: Does my voice count? if not, no.



LAYER SIX
In the past month...
-- Drank alcohol: Yep.
-- Smoked: No
-- Done a drug: No
-- Had sex: No
-- Made out: erm..
-- Gone on a date: don't be stupid.
-- Gone to the mall: we don't have malls. i've been shopping, if it's all the same to you.
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: No
-- Eaten sushi: Yuck and no
-- Been on stage: Yes
-- Gone skating: nope.
-- Made homemade cookies: i made brownies...
--Gone skinny-dipping: No! *laughs*
-- Dyed your hair: no-but it needs is! (DENIAL!)
-- Stolen anything: No!



LAYER SEVEN
Ever...
-- Played a game that required removal of clothing:Thankfully not, knowing me i'd be starkers in the first five minutes....
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: yeah...soooo not proud of that....
-- Been caught doing something: nope.
-- Been called a tease: erm...i'm not sure..i think so.
-- Gotten beaten up: yeah
-- Shoplifted: No. i'm not a thief.
-- Changed who you were to fit in: why? do i look like a sheep? baa?



LAYER EIGHT
-- Age you hope to be married: i'm not getting married.
-- Numbers and names of children: i'm not having children.
-- Describe your dream wedding: I'm not getting married.
-- How do you want to die:quietly. no fuss please.
-- Where do you want to go to college: Huddersfield, or maybe York.
-- What do you want to be when you grow up:Journalist i think.
-- What country would you most like to visit:New Zealand.



LAYER NINE
In a guy/girl...
-- Best eye color: Green
-- Best hair color: brown
-- Short or long hair: Long hair, curly. (not long long, just...nice long...)
-- Height: a little taller than me....or a lot. I'm not exactly tall....
-- Best weight: is everything on looks? if so, i'm fucked.
-- Best articles of clothing: erm? rather odd to ask, don't you think?
-- Best first date location:i have no idea...probably a gig.
-- Best first kiss location: pah...i don't know! I'm no good at these things!


LAYER TEN
--Number of drugs taken illegally: none
--Number of people you can trust:dunno.
--Number of CDs that I own: i'm not counting them all. Over 100. i think.
--Number of piercing:0
-- Number of tattoos: 0
--Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: a few
--Number of scars on my body: Too many
--Number of things in my past that I regret: Lots.

( Name ) Louise
( Nicknames, including from family ) gods...here we go:LouLou, Lou, BogBog, Persil, Nutcase, Wheezy, Spud, you there, Ainsworth and more that do not come to mind at the mo.
( Birthday ) January 30th
( Age ) 15
( Astrological sign? ) Aquarius
( Chinese zodiac sign? ) Born in the year of the snake.
( Location ) Northern England. Also known as The Wilderness.
( Sexual Preference ) opposite sex.
( Marital Status ) single
( Current Haircolor ) red
( Eyecolor ) green/blue/grey
( Height ) 5"4
( Weight ) i'm not telling you. It's embarrassing.
( Parents still together? ) yeah.
( Siblings? ) yes-sadly
( Nieces/Nephews? ) nope, though maybe soon!!
( Kids of your own? ) No-and i don't plan on any i'm enough!
( Grandkids? ) I'm fifteen.....
( Pets? ) ha! yes! a mad Yorkshire Terrier named Benjie AKA "Meeshter Tinkles!"
( In school/graduated? ) school-doing GCSE's
( Rent, lease, or own your home? ) i live with my parents
( What do you do for work? ) i work in a Fairtrade Shop, it's great!
( How much do you make? ) not saying
( Have any credit cards? ) if i did, i'd be in debt...
( AmEx? ) no. again with the debt.
( Can I use em for a few days? ) I don't have any, moron.
( What do you drive? ) a heart. i walk everywhere.... (anywhere thats not over three miles away lazy, i know!)
( Black and White/Color ) both
( Black/White ) black
( Red/Blue ) blue
( Dogs/Cats ) dog-cat's are too haughty.
( Roses/Daisies ) roses
( Beer/Liquor ) Liquor
( Boxers/Briefs ) boxers.
( Hair: Short/Long ) long on me, and longish on guys...(preferably curly)
( Boots/Shoes ) boots
( Food: Mexican/Italian ) Italian
( Dark/Light ) dark.
( Day/Night ) night.
( City/Country ) country- cities are horrible....
( Sheets: Solid/Animal Prints ) solid.
( Sub/Dom ) bless you.
Favorites
( Color ) Green
( Animal ) [1.618]....JK! no, meerkat
( Vehicle ) motorbike
( Flower ) rose
( Beer ) i don't really like beer......
( Liquor ) Red Square Reloaded
( Soda ) eew
( Food ) tuna on wholemeal bread
( Book ) The Redemption of Althalus/Abhorsen Series
( Author ) J.R.R. Tolkien
( Band ) There are too many!
( CD ) erm.....the one i listen to the most is Radio Sunnydale.
( Song ) Kissing You-Des'ree.
( Movie ) too many i love
( Director ) Peter Jackson
( Country ) England, you fool
( City ) Venice (i don't like cities in general. so i said there.)
( School Subject ) arts
( Movie genre ) horrors and thrillers
( Extracurricular Activity ) Rugby for my home town
( Color your hair? ) ALWAYS! (i hate my natural colour)
(Have tattoos? ) i'd love one
( Piercings? ) nah...can't be arsed.
( Have a boyfriend/girlfriend/both? ) you already asked this.
( Floss daily? ) i keep a regime, then forget. Does that count?
( Own a webcam? ) i do not, no.
( Ever get off the damn computer? ) no. i sit here and wither because i can't see anything but the screen. OF COURSE I BLOODY DO!
( Sprechen Sie Deutsch? ) nien
( Hablar Espanol? ) nope
( Quack? Quack quack? ) Quack quack quack quack, quack quack
( Gotten a speeding ticket? ) well if i'm fifteen, what do you think?
( DUI? ) NOHAVEYOU?
( Been in a wreck? ) yeah
( Been arrested? )I'm too clever to be caught.
( Stolen a car? ) nope, don't need one
( Stolen anything? ) no. What is the point?
( Smoke? ) no, and the people who do are going to die early.
( Drink? ) yes
( Been so drunk you couldn't remember your name? ) sadly, yes. Not ever wising to repeat the experience.
( Been so drunk you didn't care that you couldn't remember your name? ) yes
( Posed for nude pics? ) i am not a slut. Are you a pervert?
( Considered a life of crime? ) no
( Considered being a hooker? ) shut. up.
( Maybe a pimp? )fuck.off.
( Cheated on someone? ) Are these questions designed to be offensive? NO!
( Been married? ) 15! AGE 15!!!
( Been divorced? ) oh for fucks sake...
( Are you psycho? ) probably, after answering these.
( Split personalities? ) apart from the voices in my head, i don't think so.
( Schizophrenic? ) thankfully not.
( Obsessive? ) erm....over what?
( Compulsive? ) erm.....
( Obsessive Compulsive? ) not good....
( Panic? ) in large crowds. I feel trapped.
( Anxiety? ) sometimes. ok, alot of the time.
( Depressed? ) nope, little ray of sunshine me.
( Suicidal? ) never
( Homicidal? ) HA!
( Genocidal? ) sicko....
( Obsessed with hate? ) yes. i want to murder everyone...gods these questions are stupid.
( Mutilate animals? ) that is a disgusting thing to ask
( Idolize infamous criminals? ) v
( Dream of mutilated bodies, blood, death, and gore? ) if i've been eating paiella
( Dream of doing those things instead of just seeing them? ) you arsehole.

Hmm. first entry since i changed my name. Well, i got a new job, a great place called World of Difference took me in, and now i'm happily working with the matereials of the world!

Hmm. yes, well, we recorded our first single the other day, Leave, and you can check us out at www.thecones.co.uk so i hope you do so! *Grin* I think it's ok, although we could have made a couple of changes, ourguitarists were snatched away from us.
I THINK I SHALL GO AND ATTEND TO THE CABBAGES NOW, MY SWEET...

Remember our old days
we used to be friends
what happened to those days
where are the happy endings?

Remember the good times
when we used to talk
what happened to the good times
where are the happy endings?

Remember the changes
too big for us
the too many big changes
where are the happy endings?


please message me and tell me what you think?