I don't care how geeky, odd or cat-loverish this is I think its freaking awesome!

More craigslist goodies for all you folks! Again these are real advertisements. This batch even has a theme! All of the adds are from Seattle.

A heart for some wild pictures
Date: 2005-06-21, 11:45PM PDT


I need a heart. It's not for me, but for my now ex-boyfriend. I don't know if he lost his or maybe he was born without one, but he definitely doesn't have one. His other parts seem to be in place (legs, arms, toes, face). I know he has a mouth because there's always hurtful things coming out of it. He has ears, although new ones would greatly be appreciated because his aren't listening right. He has a brain, which I can settle for. I will barter for a smarter one at a different time, because right now he is in DIRE need of a heart.

Now you might be wondering, why not just post this ad on the "free" section with the other junk that has stopped working or smells of mold and cat dander? And I must admit, I considered posting him right there with the fill dirt and broken concrete. But he's like those ten year old jeans you have laying in your closet, the ones you can't give away because they looked so good on you and you just might squeeze into them again one day. I'm hoping a heart will make us fit again.

In return, you, me, and my disposable camera will get sloppy drunk and run around Seattle taking hilarious pictures that we will both forget about and remember for the rest of our lives. Think of it as a fun adult version of high school Senior pictures. We can drink at any bar you choose and take pictures anywhere you'd like, the more random the better. Imagine looking at those freshly developed pictures and wondering "How did I get on that lampost?" or "When did I go into Elliot Bay with those "sexy" twins (either male of female your choice)?"

I will be needing the heart, of course, before we go on our drunken rampage, because binge drinking can lead to heart problems and in all fairness, if you needed a battery, I would not give you a half used Duracel. I will be screening candidates, so please forward me your qualifications. Required information:

1) List at least three past experiences that showcase your kindness, passion, and love for another non-family related person.
2) Two references, including phone numbers, of people who have loved or are loved by you
3) Any possible health factors (smoking is not an issue since he is already a smoker)

Please feel free to give as much detail as you like. I am a professional drunk photographer and I have left many a 1 Hour Photo clerk speechless. I will be more than willing to show you my portfolio if you have any concerns.


Just fucking fuck me, already.
Date: 2008-02-03, 3:29PM PST


Dear Men of Craigslist,

Look, I know you men have it difficult. Women are just about impossible to understand, much less please. In a post-feminist society, you never know exactly what you should be doing. Women are bloody picky, I know we are. It can be scary, too, when women freak out about what appear to be benign issues. And men who do their best to be respectful, female-positive humans, I salute you, I do.

But please, please just fuck me already. Honestly, I appreciate your thoughtfulness. I like that you want to take things slow. I can totally get behind the idea of emotional connection, but dearjesusinheaven, FUCK ME. We've done dinner and drinks. We've gone dancing. We've cuddled and watched a movie. I'm wearing a low cut shirt and you've been staring at my breasts all night. Goodgodalmighty, get to it and fuck me.

When we get hot and heavy, please take charge. Please, please fuck me. Trust me, I'm not going to just lie still - I'll get involved. But don't make me force your hand into my panties. That makes me feel like a rapist. We've been kissing for a half hour and your hand keeps grazing my ass. That's nice, but it's time to move forward. Get on top of me. Don't make me get on top right out of the gate and start bobbing up and down on your cock like I'm practicing some crazy new aerobic yoga because YOU won't go down on me. Roll on top and start dry humping like a good boy should. Don't gently suck my nipples and then pull back when I moan with pleasure. You being coy is totally not what I want. It's not what WE want.

OK, I know it's scary. There are lots of women out there who make fucking really difficult. So, I have compiled some handy tips. Don't think of this as complaining, or as schadenfreude for the Andrea Dworkins of the world. Just some simple tips, for timid men who have forgotten what it means to fuck like men:

1. Taking charge is not bad. Oh, there will be some women who feel that you are pushy. If you are making out with a woman, and she starts to push back, ask nicely if things are moving too fast. If she says yes, say something like "I'm sorry - you just look so fucking delicious. I'll go slower." Otherwise, skillfully move forward. If you start kissing a woman, and she responds well, and before long, you're both on the floor with her skirt pushed up, and you on top of her, it's not the time to roll onto your back and start awkwardly stroking the top of her head. Seriously, grow a goddamn pair. YOU'RE the man. Act like one.

2. Ohmyfuckinggod, please learn to respect the clit. It's different for every woman, so ask what she likes. Do not, I repeat, do not just wiggle your fingers around her pussy like you're trying to tickle her. Do not drum your fingertips against her vulva like you are impatiently waiting at the Sears Tire Center for your receipt. Do not push the clit like it is a doorbell at some house that you need to get inside of. Start by using all four fingers with firm yet gentle pressure against the outside of her pussy. Do not charge in with a single finger and start jabbing at things. And if you really don't know what to do, ask her. Just ask. "How do you like it?". It's a simple question, and most women will answer straight out. If she's being all coy, ask "Do you like pressure? Is it sensitive?" The clitoris is a varied item, indeed. Treat each one as though you have never encountered one before. Forget everything that your last partner liked.

3. Most women like to be fucked, and fucked well. Yes, there are women out there who want to "make love" every time - sweet, gentle, rocking love with lots of eye contact and loving kisses. Those women are not the majority. The majority like to be pounded. The majority like to have their hair pulled. The majority like a good, solid jackhammering. When a woman is bucking wildly against you, it's not because she wants you to pull back and slowly swirl your cock around her vagina like you're mixing a cake batter up there. It's because she wants you to hold down her arms, or grab her hips, or push her legs above her head, and fuck her harder. Don't be too afraid of what this means as far as gender equality goes - I am a raging feminist bitch, but I still want to be penetrated like you are planning on fucking my throat from the inside out.

4. A little roughness is nice. Do not pretend that you had no idea that some women like their hair pulled. Do not act shocked if she wants you to spank her ("Really? Spanking? Won't it hurt?" - yes, it does. That's the fucking point). We know you've read Stuff and Maxim, and that's all those laddie mags talk about in their "How to Please Her" sections. Start with light, full handed smacks to the area of her ass that she sits on. Judge her response and continue on from there. You don't have to bend her over one knee and tell her she's a naughty girl and that Daddy's going to punish her; save that for the fifth date. Women are less delicate than you think, so don't worry about breaking her hip.

5. It's OK for you to make noise. Otherwise, we feel like we are fucking a ninja. Unless you actually are a ninja, and have sneaked into our rooms with vibrating nanuchaku and zippered black pajamas, please, please make some noise. If you're banging a woman, and she's crying out and saying your name and moaning, and you can't even manage a grunt, she's going to feel like an idiot. You don't have to make the sounds she is making, but do SOMETHING. You know how when you are watching porn, and the girl does something great to the guy and the guy kind of goes "Ah!", half grunt, half yell? That's HOT. Do that. Whisper our name (assuming you know it) gruffly. Groan against her neck when you're in missionary position. You don't have to grunt like a mountain gorilla, but if you are totally mute, she's going to get worried.

6. Most women like dirty talk, in addition to the grunting. If you'd like to get some dirty talk going, ask her if she likes the way you fuck her. If she responds well, continue with something like, "I love fucking you. God, you look so fucking hot." Is she still moaning in response? "Your tits are so beautiful." Does that work? If she doesn't respond well to the term "tits", you might have to stop there. If she keep moaning or responding, pass Go and collect $200. Try the following:

"Oh, god. Your pussy is SO tight."
"You're so wet - are you wet because you like the feel of my cock ramming you?"
"I think I'm going to come inside you. I'm going to fill up your little cunt." It doesn't matter that you're wearing a condom; we LOVE hearing this.

If all of those work, you can then progress to things like "sexy little bitch" and "dirty whore". Tread carefully, but please, tread. Do not tiptoe. Do not sit down. Charge.

6. You're not obligated to eat a woman out. In return, she's not obligated to choke on your dick. Don't skip one and expect the other. If you do eat a woman out, the only comment you should make about her pussy is how nice it is. The length of her labia minora, the color of her interior, her waxing job or full bush - you are not John Madden. No time for color commentary.

7. Do not bitch about condoms. Oh, we hate them. Trust us. They hurt us more than they hurt you. But we don't want to be preggers, and you don't want to catch anything, right? Don't whine about condom sex. Do not explain that you can't come with one on. LEARN to come with one on, or if not, help us figure out what to do with you once we're satisfied and it's time for you to let loose your load.

8. We really like it when you come. It's called a money shot for a reason. Watching semen shoot out of you is one of the most gratifying things EVER. However, do not assume that she wants you to jack it off onto her face. She might, but don't assume. Seeing and/or feeling you come is rewarding for us, so there's no need to deprive us of it, but please do consult us before unleashing. "I think I'm going to come - how do you like it?" is a fair question that shouldn't rob you of your testicles.

In recent memory, I've been fucked by a very aggressive, manly guy, and I've been... well, fucked is the wrong term here. I've been penetrated by a total and utter wuss. Who am I going to run back to when I'm ready for my fill? Manly McHardon, that's who. ----------------------------------------------------

*New point of clarification - some people have brought up some really great issues in response to this post, so let me say this: I don't mean to imply that all women like to be treated like whores. I do mean to say that most women I know have told me that they like sex rougher than most men give it to them. Rough does NOT equal chains and bondage. And this applies to the bedroom only, and does not mean that she wants you to choose her dinner for her, or treat her like less of a person. **Some women have said that they don't like it rough and what the hell am I thinking? Well, girls, you're in the minority. HOWEVER, all women need to remember that, in addition to be straight forward about your sexual desires, you need to be straight forward about your sexual limits. Don't be afraid to ask for more, but when something feels wrong, say so. Don't ever do something you don't want to do in silence and then blame the guy. Silence is dangerous.


15 Reasons Why I Would Rather Have a Boyfriend than a Border Collie
Date: 2005-04-11, 1:11AM PDT


Boyfriend usually more financially responsible than border collie

Won’t have to follow boyfriend around city with plastic bags picking up his poop from the sidewalk (unless it’s some kind of special situation, I guess)

When we go on long steep climbs near the Mountain Loop Highway, I won’t have to worry about boyfriend seeing a bird and accidentally hurtling self over a cliff to the rocks below

Boyfriend won’t slobber on pant leg (at least not in public)

Won’t have to watch the Animal Channel all the time and can keep the television off and get some writing done

Won’t have to fight constantly about border collie’s drinking problem

When taking long beach walks on Oregon Coast, boyfriend won’t suddenly sprint off and joyfully roll his body on top of dead sea mammal or ailing seagull

Border collies can’t send nice email or phone messages when you’re having a bad day at work. A text message from a border collie can be frightening.

Boyfriend won’t eat slugs and puke them up on my down comforter and bare shoulder in the morning

Boyfriend won’t accidentally trip me when jogging alongside me near busy street

Boyfriend practices good dental hygiene, border collie brushes teeth with sticks

A border collie can’t go to movies and doesn’t appreciate independent film, but boyfriend might

Won’t have to discuss Nietzsche all the time with boyfriend.

Boyfriend won’t knock glasses off my face when I hug him

Boyfriend not afraid of fireworks and other loud noises, which is important because the Fourth of July is coming up.

Boyfriend does not require licensing through the City of Seattle.

I See The Snow

I see the moon
The mountains, curves and long flat plains
Refracting, rebounding and reflecting the light
Giving it a most beautiful glow
When it lands on this surface most are asleep
But I can see
I see the sun
The flares, glint and shine
Giving, growing and Generating light
Showing where the world started
When the gift lands on this world most are awake
But I can see
I see the boy
Back in 1940
Whirling, whizzing and whooping with joy
With thoughts of snowball fights and the first white Christmas of his life
As shiny bits of bubble gum wrappers fall from the sky
                        ~Patrick Commins~

Escapism from little kids.

When'​​s the next time you will see the perso​n who absol​utely​ takes​ your breath away?​​
Tomorrow!


Think​ back to March​,​​ how was your love life then?​​
In march? Non-existent

What are you liste​ning to?
A pair of twin crying for food, a two year old asking me if he can put a glass of water in the microwave because he wants it hot and a seven year old talking about how she is going to make her taco for dinner. OH! You mean music? Brandie Carlyle's "Silver Cloud".


Do you have a bad tempe​r?​​
no not really.


Do you like anyon​e?​​
Damn straight.

when is the next time you will kiss someone?
Tomorrow! Maybe tonight if my niece or sister wants a kiss goodnight.


Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?
Yeah but most people say how weird they look.


Do you like to go on walks?
I love wandering around.


Hows your heart?
Its skips beats a lot recently. Both metaphorically and physically.



Do you hate the last perso​n you kisse​d?​​​
Excuse me? I think your logic needs a tune up.


Last night​ you felt:​​​
Yesterday? Pretty good. A little worried and annoyed before I went to sleep.


Has anyone told you they love you today?
Yes. I hear it everyday.

what did you have for dinner?
Creole Tacos!


How often​ do you hold back from sayin​g what you are think​ing?​​​
Again, your logic is flawed and needs to be beat with a sledge hammer.

What are you going to do after this?
Watch a movie, write some more and hopefully go off to the apartment rather than take care of kids again.

The Greatest Work

No giants shoulders to stand on
No "for a better world"
No riches from a New World
Fights will be had
Embraces will be shared
Tears will be shed
Smiles will shine
Hearts ma be broken
Souls will soar
And so much more
we will grow
we will glitter like gold
We will soar
No giants shoulders
For none alive has truly attained
No "for a better world"
For nothing happens to the world
No riches from a New World
For there is nothing material within
This is truly Bohemian
This work
And is only accomplished by the greatest
You
And I
                     ~Patrick Commins~

I don't know what to think of this.....Go to google and search for manbeef.com

No its not a porn.

This has been on my mind too long to not write about. This is going to be REALLY angsty. Like kill yourself angsty, I apologize.

FUCK YOU ANTHONY LESLIE LOJA!

Atlas

As innocence suggests
My perceptions might have been twisted
But where did you go wrong
You stood taller than everyone
Blue glasses and red fedora
Held high above the crowd
Your smile and laughter
Brought hope to those who could hear
People didn't follow you
They put worlds upon your shoulders
Making you all the boulder
Your wizened riddles taught me my trades
Now they seem like useless spades
People said you had the touch
I would do anything to give you the push
My mentor
My friend
My brother
Now with your almost 400 pounds of depressive fat
Your sweats and oily looks
I've turned to books
No more is that gallant weight under my spirit
That hearty laughter ringin' in my ears
Those riddles grinding my gears
Just 400 pounds, sweats and beers
You used to be sweet strong and stylish
Like a bold freight
Now,
As you walk down the latter you built for yourself
That I followed you up
The worlds fall and roll like marbles
And I'm left building alone
No more is there a team
My question is not where
But why
WHY DID YOU HAVE GO WRONG!?!?
                         ~Patrick Commins~

Thought this was interesting. Found it in [The Penguin Who Could Fly]'s diary. It was a religion matching quiz. Interesting results if you know me.

1. Unitarian Universalism (100%)
2. Liberal Quakers (86%)
3. Neo-Pagan (84%)
4. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (82%)
5. Secular Humanism (82%)
6. New Age (76%)
7. Scientology (72%)
8. New Thought (71%)
9. Reform Judaism (70%)
10. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (59%)
11. Mahayana Buddhism (57%)
12. Taoism (55%)
13. Nontheist (50%)
14. Theravada Buddhism (48%)
15. Orthodox Quaker (46%)
16. Sikhism (46%)
17. Baha'i Faith (43%)
18. Hinduism (39%)
19. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (36%)
20. Orthodox Judaism (30%)
21. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (27%)
22. Eastern Orthodox (24%)
23. Islam (24%)
24. Jainism (24%)
25. Roman Catholic (24%)
26. Seventh Day Adventist (23%)
27. Jehovah's Witness (9%)

Something to d while Corey plays WoW.....

001: Lied: Yes
002: Run away: I'm a Gyspy
003: Broken a bone: Yes, my forearm/wrist
004: Failed a class: OHHHH YEAH!
005: Dyed your hair: Yep: Midnight Purple, and Black with Red Streaks
006: Gotten in a car accident: Yes
007. Been out of the country: Yes
008. Met a famous person: My father
009. Driven illegally: No
010. Thrown a temper tantrum: Yes, who hasn't, its called being 2
011. Been suspended: Yes
012. Been expelled: No
013. Given the finger: Nope I have all ten
014. Been in jail: No
015. Overcharged your credit card: No
016. Made out with someone?: Yes
017. Set a body part on fire, for the fun of it?: No, I have common sense
018. Planned your life around the internet?: Planned? No
019. Gone in public wearing underwear?: I don't leave the house without it
020. Swallowed a penny?: No
021. Seen a ghost?: Whats a ghost?
022. Ate dirt?: No
023 Sucked a bug up your nose?: No
024: Got caught stealing?: Yep, cost me $246
025: Been toilet papering?: Totally!
026: Mooned someone?: No
027:. Been so drunk you passed out?: Yeah
028: Gone out in your pajamas?: No, towel yes.
029: Missed school because it was raining?: No, I live in Seattle, thats not an excuse!
030. Kept a secret from someone?: Yes
031. Wanted to hook up with a friend?: Not the greatest idea I've had
032. Sprained/broken/fractured a bone or gotten stitches?: Look up Question 3
032: Almost died: No
033:. Given anyone a bath: Yes
034:. Bungee jumped: No
035:. Broken the law: Yes! FUCK the Police!
036:. Made yourself throw-up: No
037:. Gone skinny-dipping?: No
038:. Made yourself cry to get out of trouble: No
039:. How many messenger buddies do you have?: None, I don't use messengers
040:. Do your friends think your dumb?: Damn Straight
041:. Do you have a crush?: More so
042:. Do they know?: Yeah if not the would take some explanation
043: Name one thing that you would give up for them: ?
044: Do you believe in love: Yes, more so than anyone believes
045:. Do you believe in love at first sight: I believe in LUST at first sight, love takes time and work.
046: Are you too shy to ask someone out: No
047: Who do you want to spend the rest of your life with?: Myself and the person/people I care about most.
048: Have you ever actually truly honestly been in love before: Every human being has
049. Do you regret loving them?: No learned a lot

Alright time for another entertaining Craigslist posting. Yes this is real. This one was advertised in the Sanfransico Bay area.

bag of butt plugs and/or mannequins parts

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2008-09-17, 6:09PM PDT



~~~~Mannequins have been picked up all we have now is the bag of butt plugs~~~~


Yeah that's right you hear me right, a bag of butt plugs and/or mannequins parts, the mannequins from a store have been disassembled and are laying all over the place, can you come and grab these ladies? We are tired of them all laying around doing nothing when we are all busting are asses all day.

. . . and the bag of butt plugs, yes there is a bag, it's a large safeway or something brown paper bag, and it is filled to the brim with silicone(?) butt plugs, I would not actually recommend using them for their intended purpose as they have been sitting there for I don't know how long. They haven't been used and they are still in their plastic bags. They are an assortment of sizes and colors so if you are trying to do some crazy art piece or stick them to a friends car, or make a Halloween costume I would say get your ass down here and get these butt plugs off our hands! I mean c'mon a free bag O' butt plugs!!!

Maybe you could combine the mannequins and butt plugs to give to a friend for their birthday, anyways just come get them, we don't want our trash men to think we are freaks.

Store Hours noon-7 come by anytime tonight or tomorrow.

Have a beautiful day!

My question. What in the hell kind of store is this? And What in the hell is going on with their patrons!?

I have to add to this! Here is another one from the Detroit Metro area.

Tina, The Telemarketer Who Called Me Last Night - m4w

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2008-09-17, 1:52PM EDT



Dear Tina,

When you called me so unexpectedly at 6:00 last night, I was expecting a call from my sister and brother-in-law . I tried to explain to you that there were steaks on the grill and I had guests coming for dinner, so I really wasn't in a position to talk to you about a time-share in Vegas. You persisted. I am not the rude type, so I continued to indulge you rather than hanging up the telephone in your ear. I figure that probably happens quite often and you were only doing your job. However, I think we had a real misunderstanding and I'd like to set the record straight here.

When I asked you what you were wearing you became very defensive. I am in sales myself and I am required to wear a suit and tie to work every, single day. I simply wanted to make sure you were prepared to make a good first impression.

When I asked you what type of panties you were wearing it was because I wanted to make sure I was dealing with a "normal" person and not a pervert.

Asking you if you were masturbating when you spoke with customers was my way of checking your professionalism.

When you started making claims of sexual harassment, I was flabbergasted. There was really no need to call me names. I was also appalled that you had the audacity to hang up on me! Need I remind you that YOU called me? The least you could have done is to have been grateful that I took the time to speak to you in spite of the fact my steaks were burning.

As for the Vegas time-shares, I am very interested. How about you come over to my place, bring a couple of steaks to grill (as you kind of owe me a few steaks anyway), and we can talk more

Last but not least. This one is from the Houston area.

Light house cleaning needed

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2008-09-23, 4:28PM CDT



Need some light house cleaning. I'm pretty busy and not able to clean my apartment so I need someone to do some light work once a week or so. Here are some pictures to give a general idea.






I have one thing to say of this apartment. If ANYONE on ET takes care of there living space like this. Get away fom me!

If you want to keep up with the Devil Ducks and the sketch comedy we are making look here.

[http://www.youtube.com/user/TheDevilDucks]

Two funny bits I found on "The Best of Craigslist" Section on Craigslist.com. These are actual posts on craigslist.com.

I work at Tullys, you work at Starbucks, it could never work

We're from two different worlds, you and I. I work at Tullys, you work at Starbucks. It could never work out. Our lives are just too different. You guys make 'frappacinos', we make 'spins'. Your coffee is dark italian roast, while ours is a medium dark city roast. You guys have the whole green thing going. We're apples and oranges babe, oil and water. But, I admit, when I see you pulling shots from your La Marzocco, I think for a moment, maybe, just maybe, it could work. Then I realize I'm a fool. What brand of double tall non-fat hazelnut latte extra hot no foam would our children drink? No, it's better that we stay within our seperate worlds. I'll date nice Tullys girls, you'll find a great Starbucks guy, we'll both be happier this way. Let's save ourselves the heartache.


Dear Mom, Things You Never Knew

mom, i told myself that when i was old enough to not be afraid of your reaction, i'd tell you all the shitty things i did as a child and teenager (even if thy are inconsequential now). i always felt really bad about lying about certain things and i want to come clean. so here's ten things you never would have found out, and probably would never want to know.

1. when i was three and i got tired of waiting for you to be ready to go to the circus. i put the car in neutral and rolled down the driveway through the garage door. for the longest time, i swore that i was traumatized by the event, even going so far as refusing to be left in a car alone until i was 12. in all honesty, it was the most exciting ride of my life and my first clear memory. and you know my affinity for birch beer comes from that day... when you went over to the neighbor's house with me because they saw me crash into the garage. they gave me birch beer and i've loved it ever since.

2. i was pretty young and had just learned about calling and harassing the operator. i called maybe 10 times in a row, whispered "fuck you" and hung up. when they finally got fed up and called back, saying a young girl had been calling and saying bad things, i convinced you it was your son and you grounded him for a week. it was me.

3. i think i was about 10 or so and i found $54 dollars on the floor in the closet. i thought it had probably been there for a while so i picked it up and stuffed it in my pocket without saying a word. later that evening when you asked me if i'd seen money on the floor anywhere, i was lying when i said no. that money kept me in candy for weeks. yummmmm.

4. for several years in high school my friends and i would skip school and come to our house. you always took lunch at the same time, so we would go out to the back yard and hang out in the room under the garage and bake for an hour. i cannot tell you how many times we did this. sometimes the dog would be out on the run and be trying so hard, yapping away to let you know we were in there, but you never picked up on it.

5. you know that guy i dated that you begged me repeatedly never to see again? well one night when you slept at your boyfriends, he stayed the night. my brother swore not to tell you and then told nana. i convinced both you and nana that he was lying, when in fact, i was lying. being the golden child sure had its advantages.

6. you know that time i called and left a message saying that a friend of mine needed me and i had to spend the night at her place so i wouldn't be home? well, that morning i buried my school books in the back of my closet and packed some clothes. i went to the train station and caught an amtrak to boston to meet a guy i had met on the internet. in reality, i stayed at a cheap hotel with a guy who very well may have meant to do me harm. thankfully, i turned out OK. man, i should have been an actress i played that one so well. you even wrote me an absence note for school.

7. you know that guy that i said i met in the mall while he was visiting nyc with some of his navy buddies and he stayed at our house for two nights? i didn't meet him in the mall, i met him online. he was a really nice guy though, unlike the creep visiting boston.

8. remember when i was 17 and flew to seattle to meet all those people off the internet that i said were just friends? they weren't. we had a big, week-long orgy and it was great! just kidding. most of them were (and still are) pretty good friends. except for the guy i stayed with for the week, i thought i was in love with him but i really just wanted a fantasy to believe in. good thing i figured that out BEFORE i ran away.

9. and california... oh my god. you have no clue. you're first big "mommy" act ever was to give me a copy of your platinum card when i went out there for a year of school. this was to be used for food, electricity, books, rent, and transportation. food = going to the close-out grocery store and buying ridiculous amounts of alcohol and cigarettes. i lived off cheap frozen pizzas, hot pockets, and taquitos in order to keep costs down and avoid suspicion. and you bought a lot of books. for classes i didn't take. you know the old gas card scam? used sparingly it works wonders at the college bookstore. i feel really, really shitty about this because for all practical purposes i was definitely old enough to know better, even if i was pretty desperate for cash.

10. you were so dead set against me moving out after i got a job. i lied to you about how much my rent was so that i wouldn't have to listen to you bitch about how much money i could save if i stayed home.

Mom, you're awesome. I know we've had our differences (huge at times) but really, your the only mom I've got and you did your best raising two kids on your own. I didn't always make that easy for you, and lacked the insight to see how hard you tried every day to do the best you could for us, while still living your own life. I love you. And if I had it to do all over again, I wouldn't change a damn thing. OK except maybe the book scam... that's just so fucking low.

I'm bored in Business Tech...therefore I do quizes....

Recipie for me=
3 parts Delight
2 parts Warmth
1 part Intellect

Splash of Prosperity

Finish off with an olive
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am 20% Shy

You aren't shy at all, in fact, you're quite outgoing.
You are comfortable in almost any social situation, no matter how awkward or difficult it may be.
You can make conversation easily, and you know how to focus on other people.
If anything, you're the type of person who can put someone shy at ease.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am a Natural Flirt

Believe it or not, you're a really effective flirt.
And you're so good, you hardly notice that you're flirting.
Your attitude and confidence make you a natural flirt.
And the fact that you don't know it is just that more attractive!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Apperently I Make a Great First Impression

You can handle almost any social situation with grace, even the tricky ones.
Strangers often find you charming and interesting. You are often remembered fondly.
Even if you're not naturally outgoing, you can make conversation with anyone if you need to.

Whether you were born this way or had to work to get here, you are definitely charismatic.
You're popular and well liked. People definitely look forward to being around you.
Your social connections bring you a full and rich life. You understand how important it is to make a lasting impression.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And Lastly I'm an Athiest

God? No thanks. You're not buying into any religion.
They're all bunk to you. You rather focus on what you know is true.
You may be a passive non-believer or a rabid atheist activist.
But one thing is for sure... no one's going to make you go to church!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well there you go the boredom of my mind in the middle of Tech and nothing to do but use a computer....I hate these little quiz things, they are inaccruate, based off of a chaos generater I think, and five to ten questions can't sum up even the most basic human ideal, function, or belief

I seem to be posting quite a bit tonight. Eh. These are some songs my father and I are working on do to us wanting to play together. Some are songs he wrote back in the day and I am helping him work them out while others are ones we are co-writting. They are all Irish tunes with a bit of rock, jazz/blues, and with my influences of regge, punk, funk, and poetic rhyme. Also a whole lot of Blarney! Also want to get my song writting back up and going again so tell me what you think.

It's The Devil In Me (Imagine a carnival-like droning from the accordian and no other instruments with this song)

O help me I think I'm falling
In_to_Hell_again
My head is still a burnin' and I'm goin'
Round and round again                (Chorus)
O help me I think I just fell in_to_Hell_again
Now I know for sure thats its the devil in a me

(Chorus)

Well I had this offal dream
I couldn't even scream
I was too drunk to walk
I couldn't even talk
I could see stars that night
Must have been in a fight
If I could only see
It's the devil in me

I heard this knock at the door
Couldn't get up off the floor
There must be someone there
But sure I really don't care
Maybe they will go away
I'll start a brand new day
Thats what we all have said
It's the devil in me

(Chorus)

I'm going up and then comin' back down again
Moving round and round
Can't you see that I've found
Another sound and town
I feel really fine, twice more around
And I'm homeward bound

I still have those massive scars
From drinking in sleezy bars
I can still see those offal stars
The night I went to planet Mars
while driving some fancy cars
We thought were really ours
Know I now for sure it's
The devil in me

***This song is both a description of the life of an alchohalic musician as well as what life is like as a musician in general. Also it is my da's trophy for defeating his alchohalism. This is a final master peice and I don't care what people think Da and I did a fucking amazing job.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm Running Away (This is more of a fast paced fun song. Imagine a little kids nursery beat with a little guitar stumming)

I'm running away and never comming back again
I don't care if you never try to find me a      (Chorus)
I'm running away and never comming back again
I don't care if you never come and look for me!

(Music starts playing)

Intruduction: (Using a little kids voice)
  I don't like my school and everbody hates me. There's big fat Freddy and Little Jimmy. Homework to do every night and I get big F's from my teacher. I can't take it anymore! I think I'm gonna run away and never go to school!

(Chorus)

I have found a nice wee place and it's so warm and cheerful here
There's animals and clowns and thrills and people people riding elephants
Sure you can't see me I'm so happy playing away in this big tent
I sell my popcorn to the crowd and I'm never comming home!

(Chorus)

I am living in a bus with lots of little monkey friends
There's me and Gus and Franky's tusks and Babba chasing both of us
We do our tricks and fetch some sticks its so great I just can't wait
To do it all again and I'm never comming home!

(Chorus)

Here I am in a diffrent town with crowds of people running around
Our costume room has flying baloons were all such fools
There is no school I only wish that you could save me
Running away just doesn't pay I never want to roam again
I really don't want to stay

(Hold)"O Mammy I want to come home!"

***This was written one day while Da and I were thinking and talking about the sense of home and no matter how badly you want to leave, or how far you go. You will always want to come home. I thought explaining this from a little boys perspective would make it a good fun song let alone make the point well because everyone at one point or another when they were little wanted to run away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Puttin' On The Squeeeeeze (A party song with strong accordian background and a good didly guitar) Anytime it says 'me' you can change it out for 'it' or 'her' anytime, except in the chorus.

Come on and SQUEEEEZZE me
She say to me again and again and again
Please hold me nice and tight
I need to feel those fingers
Up and down from left to right
Come on now and SQUEEEEZZE me         (Chorus)
She says until the morning light
Please hold me nice and tight
Were gonna keep playing this thing all night
Until we get it right!

(1)
You can sqeeze me in the ally
""  ""  ""  "" "" "" park
""  ""  ""  "" "" "" morning time
Or squeeze me after dark
You can take her to the beach
In her fancy leather case
Can damn near squeeze her keys
In any party place

(2)
Some nights she's very heavy
And some nights she's rather light
Some nights I can't even find the thing
She's the story of my life!
But when we're together now
On goes the lights
I push and pull
And scream and shout
Then everythings alright

(Chorus)

So welcome to Heaven here's your harp
And a nice guitar for you
But welcome to Hell
Fight your accordian
It will make you turn black and blue
It grabs you around the throat
Then it beats your back too
It feels so good when you git it on
It wants to be next to you

(4)
It pinches me in the legs
And it has ruined all my good clothes
It disturbs the neighbors
And the cat and wakes the dead lord knows
I have this fear that it will go in and never come out again
It makes me laugh and it makes me cry
It's my ACCORDIAN!!!!!!

(5)
There's buttons here and buttons there
Buttons everywhere
What are they for I wonder
But nobody knows for sure
For me I honestly believe
That himself the Devil put them there
Just to confuse the hell out of me
It enought to make you swear!

1 again + Chorus that fades

***This is my first try at writting a song in a long time. Its to honor my fathers accordian that he has had since he was sixteen. Based off of all the stories he has told me about the crazy times they have had together I tried to write about what it is to play one, loving so much it makes your heart explode when you play it right to when you want to crush the damned thing.

This poem is a work in progress, which is why it is up here rather than in my house. Would love feedback.

Mesmerizing
The world seems maximizing
The people prophacizing
Wars pulverizing
Darkness emasculating
Men
With their power
Money
Weapons
And hungerious greed
Are terrifingly feminizing
I find this all mesmerizing

A passage from one of Salman Rushdie's books. Read it and really think about it. He is one of the most inciteful people on the planet. It will blow your mind if you understand it.

"For a long time I have believed...in a fourth function of Outsidedness - that in every generation there are a few souls, call them lucky or cursed, who are simply born not to belong, who come into the world semi-detached if you like, without strong affiliation with family or location or nation or race; that there may even be millions, billions of such souls as many non-belongers as belongers perhaps, that; in sum, the phenomenon may be as "natural" a manifestation of human nature as its opposite, but one that has been mostly frustrated, throughout human history, by lack of opportunity. And not only by that; for those who value stability, who fear transience, uncertainty, change, have erected a powerful system of stigmas and taboos against rootlessness; that disruptive, anti-social force, so that we mostly conform, we pretend to be motivated by loyalties and solidarities we do not really feel, we hide our secret identities beneath the false skins of those identities which bear the belongers' seal of approval. But the truth leaks out in our dreams; alone in our beds (because we are all alone at night, even if we do not sleep by ourselves), we soar, we fly, we flee. And in the waking dreams our societies permit, in our myths, our arts, our songs, we celebrate the non-belongers, the different ones, the outlaws, the freaks."

                   ~~~Salman Rushdie~~~

Think about it!

I saw this thing on "Best of Craigslist" it is a REAL craigslist posting...its fucking hilarious!!!

Instructions: Please answer the questions below as directed in each section. You will be marked for grammar, spelling, cleverness, creativity and boob-size. Please keep in mind that while this is not an application for a job, your performance on this test will be a reflection of your ability to achieve certain positions once out in the real world. When the clock strikes the hour, you may begin. You have sixty minutes to complete the test.


Section One: Multiple Choice (Answer All, 5 points)

When submitting answers via email, please copy and paste the question and then your answer selection beside it.

Q1. Six months into our relationship, I go away to a tropical location with my family for a week over Christmas. This vacation was planned as a family event two years prior to meeting you. This is:
a) A great opportunity to get some things done without me around.
b) A great opportunity to attempt to sleep with my college roommate and/or my boss.
c) A sign that you are probably just a casual thing that I could toss aside at any given moment despite the fact I bought you probably the most thoughtful gift you've ever received and written you a letter for every day that I'll be gone, inciting you to 'Go on the Defensive.'
d) Occasion to have a sexy dinner at home the night before I leave, and a mini 'welcome home' party when I get back that’s guest list is just you, me, a bottle of wine and a pack of condoms.

Q2. We've talked every night for eight days (not including the dinner/opera show I took you to on Saturday night that was followed by possibly your worst performance in bed ever, or the Monday night that I came over and we spent the evening making Rachel Ray recipes and watching Heroes followed by the best oral sex I've ever given you), with conversation time averaging about an hour per night. On a Thursday night, when on a deadline, I express a need to get off the phone so I can finish some work and go to bed at a reasonable hour. You:
a) Express your feelings of devotion in three words or less, then and quickly say goodbye after confirming plans for tomorrow night are still on.
b) Say goodbye, but then immediately begin talking about something that we hadn't discussed as thoroughly as is scientifically, legally or religiously possible two nights prior.
c) Take that as a sign that I'm abandoning you, and begin to point out that because of it I have commitment issues, that you're clearly not my priority, and then cry.
d) Say goodbye, but manage to do it with such menace and venom that I stay on the phone for another three silence filled hours, broken only by fits of gentle weeping and suicide threats.

Q3. I'm throwing change at your cleavage, which is readily on display in that loose fitting tank top you wear around my place on Sundays after brunch. Do you:
a) Wing the largest of the coins at my head, with an evil glare and then refuse to speak to me for the rest of the day.
b) Encourage my behavior, and allow me to purchase Afternoon Delights from you at discount prices.
c) Cry.
d) Cry and pick a fight with me, taking my actions as a total lack of respect for you and then begin to point out that because of it I have commitment issues, that you're clearly not my priority, and then cry some more.


Q4. We're having a fight. You:
a) Throw me out of your apartment, then thirty minutes later send 17 texts and attempt to call 13 times in the space of six minutes.
b) Give me space when the discussion gets too heated for rational thought, and redress your complaints in a calm manner when we've both had a chance to cool down.
c) Flip me the bird.
d) Wail on my junk.
e) both c and d
f) realize that the fight is about nothing, and begin creating fictional problems and make wild accusations about my obsession with material goods and having a wandering eye.
g) f, then d, then c.

Q5. I play [video games OR tabletop gaming OR fantasy football]. You:
a) Want to join in, because it looks like hella fun.
b) Leave me to it, in the hopes that I'll leave you a few things to participate in on your own.
c) Attempt to get me to quit, and use tactics like nagging, vandalism and emotional sabotage as an effective campaign against what you call my 'nerdy addiction.'
d) c, but also include deriding me to your friends.


Section Two: True or False (Answer All, 10 points)

When submitting answers via email, please copy and paste the question and then your answer selection beside it.

Q1. Rationale and Reason are the same thing.

Q2. A cheerleader AND/OR schoolgirl outfit is a wardrobe must.

Q3. Talking in your 'cute voice' just before you put my balls in my mouth is sexy.

Q4. Learning body language and communication cues is important.

Q5. 'Anchorman' and 'Superbad' are hilarious movies.

Q6. "But it's cute when I do it" should be a legally viable defense.

Q7. Chest hair is gross.

Q8. Bono is probably the most important political figure of our generation.

Q9. Sex is an important part of a relationship, and should be had frequently, often, whenever possible - within moderation, of course.

Q10. A relationship is metaphorically a two way street. So is your butt.


Section Three: Short Essay. (Answer ONE, 5 points)

Please select one of the following questions and answer it as fully as time will allow. Please try and be as descriptive as possible, and where applicable, come up with at least TWO convincing arguments to support your case. Arguments must be backed up with cited evidence, not anecdotal perspective.


Q1. If I was a crime-fighting vigilante by night, what efforts would you make to support my cause about the rising threat of evil in this city?

Q2. Please come up with a convincing game-plan for having me come shopping with you, keeping in mind my retail oriented attention span is about twelve minutes, and I am prone to wandering after flashing lights and shiny things.

Q3. Please argue why you are (do) or are not (do not): 'Down to Earth', 'Have a sense of humor' and 'Laid back'. Bonus if you can include evidence to confirm that you truly do avoid 'head games.'

Please submit answers via the email link provided. Please also keep a copy of this test and your answers to submit to future suitors for reference. Remember to ensure your name, number and bra size are clearly written at the top of your paper, and don't forget to attach a photo (3/4 length or full).

Waltz

Step close
Step away
Step close
Step away
Triple one
Triple two
this waltz we do
Circles and circles
Step close
Feel the heat
Sweat
Love
Passion
Growth
Step away
Feel the wilt
Jealousy
Confusion
Dryness
Cold
Step close
Step away
Triple one
Triple two
Spinin' and wirlin'
Like we do
Around the floor
More and more
less and less
Lost
Then found
Crushed toes
Hightened spirits
Exausted bodies
As the music dies down
To the last slow song
Everyone looks aross the floor
and all I know
Is I love you

Fluttering Light
I'm burnt out
Lost
Tainted by self abuse
I've meandered the streets
I've seen it all
Shootings
Stabbings
Victimizations of all sorts
I've spent every moment
Making life better for others
Then one night
On a screen
I see a caretaker
Who has been through it
Lost that innocence
That I gave away for a thrill
Knows life for the giving
This little fluttering light
Small and blinding
Has made me see
See what I'm made of
What I will be
What I desire
Driven again
A fluttering light is all it took
A Firefly is all it is
Yet
I have found Humane Perfection
I will chase this Firefly
all night and day
Just to be reborn
Again
And again
And again....
                     ~Patrick Nicholas "Simba" Commins

Exomatic Insomnia

With a single choice
Microscopic pins
An entire galaxy can change
With a single choice
Macroscopic bugs
A persons world can change
Under unexplained reasons
We humans have a gift
A special uniqueness
The ability of awareness
Awareness of the power of choice
More so
We control the awareness
And yet
Even though we all have this gift
Most wander the world
In a dream
Of stolid insomnia
               ~Patrick N. Commins