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Eleven Things I Hate About Working at a Liquor Store (Vancouver)
Date: 2009-01-19, 5:38AM PST


1. Anyone under the age of 20 who rolls their eyes when I ask them for ID. I'm sorry -- you still look like a fucking kid, and the government of British Columbia says that fucking kids aren't supposed to be drinking so that's why I've IDed you. What -- do you think that it's OBVIOUS you've just turned 19 and I should just be able to tell? Well, sorry, I can't. So don't roll your eyes at me and sigh heavily when you reach for your cards. My job is on the line.

2. Anyone who can't believe that I want TWO pieces of government ID. Why can't you believe it? That's what my bosses tell me to ask for, so I ask for it. It's plastered everywhere: right when you walk in, on drink displays, and at every cash register. So, yes, I want TWO pieces of ID. No, your gym membership is not government ID! GODDAMMIT DON'T ROLL YOUR EYES AT ME.

3. People who buy one item and want, like, 10 plastic bags to carry their shit. What are you, some kind of serial environmental offender? What really kills me are the assholes who buy a PLASTIC bottle (virtually unbreakable), then want the plastic bottle in a paper bag, then want the plastic bottle in a paper bag in a plastic bag, then want a double plastic bag for their plastic bottle in a paper bag in a plastic bag. The best is when people catch me giving them a sour look and they say, "I'm taking the bus." Really. Does that make it better?

4. People who ask me to smile. Smiling isn't in my job description. The line up is HUGE. I'm just putting my head down and trying to plow down as MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE IN AS LITTLE TIME AS POSSIBLE SO YOU CAN ALL GO HOME AND DRINK FASTER. Speed requires concentration; when I concentrate I don't smile, so don't ask me to fucking smile when I'm already trying to be as fast as possible for you.

5. People who touch my hair. Generally happens about once or twice a busy weekend -- someone hammered (or weird) comes in and really wants to touch my hair. I know my hair tends to look fabulous, but just because I'm within arm's reach doesn't give you the right to maul my locks. Look, compliment, but don't touch!

6. Cell phones. Chewing gum, too. Okay -- I can accept that being irritated by chewing gum is a problem that I ought to keep to myself, but cell phones? Now that I've worked as a cashier I understand how intensely rude it is to be on your cell while going through the checkout. Just get off that damned cancer pod you've got glued to your ear and provide a little respect to the cashier. Once I had a lady refuse to acknowledge me because she was yakking on her cell, but then had the nerve to exclaim, "I just guess they don't do anything around here anymore!" when I pretended not to hear her asking for a bag.

7. People who buy one or two items and then hover at the end of my til while they stare at the receipt like they're trying to decipher the fucking Rosetta Stone. Okay -- so you wanna check your receipt because you seem to believe that I have incorrectly rung up ONE OR TWO ITEMS. But move on -- don't stand in the way of the next customer and, seriously, does it take a full 30 seconds of INTENSE FOCUS to understand your receipt? You're clearly an idiot, so get out already!

8. Gaggles of ten or so barely-post-teenage thugs/sluts/idiots who come into the store and scream and giggle and pose like they're already at the club. Being able to hear your idiot babble all the way from the other side of the store means that you're being too damned loud. I feel sorry for all the people within 30 feet of you, let alone 100. Groups like this generally have me bolting for the warehouse.

9. Restaurant owners who have special discount accounts but don't tell me that they have an account until everything is rung through. Oh, you own a restaurant? It's ever-so-popular, is it? Well, my! I'm sorry I didn't know who you were right away, because clearly you're VERY IMPORTANT because you own a restaurant. Now I have to ring the WHOLE THING through again because you didn't have the foresight to tell me who you were. Sorry for wasting your VERY IMPORTANT time.

10. Sleazy guys who press tips into my hand. Listen, buddy, that 72 cents of change you really wanna hand me while staring deep into my eyes does not impress. I'm not allowed to accept tips anyways. So don't try to tip me -- I don't like it, I have to say no, it's awkward. No, you can not have my number because you gave me 72 cents.

11. Older women who WANT me to ID them. Ugh, yeah, back to the ID thing. Listen -- I'm sorry you're 30-something and you don't look under 19 anymore. Really, I think people are beautiful at all ages. Don't worry about it! Just be gorgeous the way you are. But I still don't need to see your ID, so please stop shoving it at me. It just makes you look really desperate, especially in front of your friends.



Wanted: time machine DESPARATE!!!
Date: 2009-01-12, 5:53PM MST


Desperately need a time machine to take me back 6 weeks in time, plus or minus a day. If you have a time machine and are willing to let me borrow it, or know of someone with an impending trip back in time, please let me know ASAP!

I will pay big bucks to have myself warned to NOT sleep with that tramp at the One and Only Bar on the Boulevard.

Tell me that she is very, VERY fertile that night in question, and has a whopping 3 STDs that I will get if I copulate with her.

VERY VERY IMPORTANT THAT I GET THIS MESSAGE!!!

I WILL WRITE YOU A BLANK CHECK IF THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES!

Key things that will let the me in the past know you are for real:

*Tell me that you know about the rubber ducky incident

*Tell me that you know that I pissed in my friends pool last week, when he was in it.

*Tell me that no matter how hard I try, the lesbian at Barnes and Noble will NEVER go for it, no matter how many sex books I ask her opinions on.

If I still doubt you- use this one-----

*Mention that you know I made out with my cousin when we were drunk at a kegger last summer- NO ONE KNOWS THIS BUT US TWO!!

VERY VERY IMPORTANT THAT I GET THIS MESSAGE!!

001: Name: Padraig
002: Nickname: Muskrat, Irish, Pat, Patti, Pattiboi, Mr. Commins....too many.
003: Country of living: I am a Sovereign Of the United States of America.
004: Birth date: Tax Day on the centennial of the statehood of Washington.
005: School: SCC
006: Do you smoke: No more.
007: Hobbies: What is a hobby but a simple function of life to keep insanity at bay? Obviously I like philosophy and psychology. My name may be a hint too.
008: Brothers/Sisters: Three brothers, pray for my survival. Also one 'adopted' sister.
009: Relationship: What about my wonderful relationship?
010: Piercing(s): One and about 20 in the making. RIGHT NOW!!!
011: Tattoo(s): Also in the making.
012: Favorite Country to go to: Ireland.
013: Are there people you wont reply to?: Myself.
014: Nicest person you met this year: His name is Bubbles and he hangs out on my couch all day and plays with my cat.
015: Person you rather not have met this year: My English teacher.
016: Who would you like to meet: A very rich man who: loves kids and raising them, Enjoys a woman of size, will give me any need I have so long as I keep his house clean and dinner served with a bite of saucy entertainment. (Explanation:Get my sister out of my house)
017: Who do you admire most: At this exact moment? Probably my niece Isabella, she is one fucking trooper.
018: Most sexy person(s): The only person I know who knows how to 'ride right'
019: Favorite Pajamas: none, or jeans.
020: Favorite Car: Starlight Blue Mustang, 1989, the rest of the model is not as important as the year and color.
021: Favorite Movie(s): The on I haven't seen yet. I don't know what it is, but I love it already.
022: Favorite Music: flobots.com
023: Favorite City(s): I have more to see.
024: Favorite Plush: I count as a plushie don't I?
025: Favorite Perfume: I don't use perfume, SURPRISE!
026: Favorite Magazine: The ones I will be featured in.
027: Favorite sound: Beautifully written poetry read properly.
028: Favorite TV-series: Spaced, Fawlty Towers and more
029: Favorite Nickname: Freddie Kruger is a good nickname for a cat named Fredrick.
030: What is on your mouse pad: My finger sliding across it to highlight this stupid question.
031: What all is under your bed: Stop lying to me! *wanders away and cries*
032: Favorite color: Probably red and anything along that spectrum....of course there was that color after I ate those shrooms.
033: Favorite Song ever: "The Love of The Streets" by Nostalgic Psychedelia
034: Favorite Song at this moment: Imaginary Girl, or Chloroform Girl.
035: Favorite food at this moment: At the moment? Anything that will fill my empty stomach, any suggestions?
035: Favorite class in school: The ones I'm working toward.
036: Favorite drink: Mexican Coke.
037: Lucky number: 32/2+10-3
038: What do you think is greatest about yourself: The fact that I am an agent of change who relishes in working functionally with joy.
039: What deodorant do you use: I'm allergic.
040: Favorite shoes: WW2 combat boots.
041: What time do you go to bed on weekdays: 10:00-1:00 or never.
042: What phrase do you use most: mow?
043: Most romantic moment in your life: Rolling over on weekend mornings and thinking I'm dreaming.
044: Most embarrassing moment in your life: waling out of the morgue alive.
045: Would you rather spend your time inside or outside: both.
046: What do you do on the weekends: exist and what ever comes along with that.
047: What class in school do/did you dislike most: Intro to Mac
048: Your Breakfast this morning: Air.
049: What do you really, really dislike to eat: Anything that tastes really, really dislikable.
050: Pets: Freddie Kruger, my cat and four little beings from hell that live in my basement.
051: Laugh or Dream: I hope i don't cackle in my sleep.
052: Serious or funny: How about you tell me a joke and we will see which one you are.
053: Fast or slow: back and forth or up and down?
054: You prefer being alone or have relation: depends and what the hell your saying.
055: Simple or complicated?: Simply Complicated.
056: Cremated or Buried when dead: Who is dead?
057: Sex or Alcohol: sex.
058: Stay up late or go to bed early: both then shoot yourself after four years.
059: Light or Dark?: *holding razor blade* Always....so....dark....
060: Speak or Silence: chatter.
061: Tall or small man/woman: it would be awesome to fit people in my pockets!
062: Newspaper: The Stranger.
063: Hugs or Kisses: yes!
064: Happy or Sad: .....happy.
065: Life or Death: To walk around a lake or be thrown into it then everyone walk away?
066: Jig or Disco: To be or not to be?
067: Left or Right handed: right.
068: Sausages on top, or on the side: Just give me the damn food.
069: Dark/ red/ Blonde: Red.
070: What would you ask God if you could ask him 1 single question: Are we really here for plastic?
071: You believe in Reincarnation: Ask me when I'm an ant...or maybe your future son.
072: You believe in Aliens: Yes....and they're watching.
073: When you die, what will be your last words?: So long and thanks for all the fish!
074: Does true love exist: Yeah. If you put the effort in.
075: How many kids would you like to have: How many brain cells does and amoeba have?
076: What is the one thing you can't stand: Large bodies of water mixed with me in them.
077: Worst feeling in the world: Subjection.
078: What are you afraid of: Loosing.
079: Are you an emotional person: Damn straight.
080: Do you ever cry during a movie: I have, I think.
081: Your goal in life: To be happy.
082: What was the promise you made to yourself at new years: I don't make promises, I make threats.
083: Favorite art-artist: Reginald Garret.
084: What animal would you like to be reincarnated as: A cockroach, so I will live longer than you.
085: What is the most beautiful part on the opposite sex's body: Her smooth curves gliding together, her eyes when they get that twinkle of inspiration.
086: Most original place to ask your love to marry you: If I answer that it wouldn't be original nor romantic.
087: What do you think of Elftown: It is a town of make believe elves, vampires, dwarves, orcs....and many many other things people wish they were.
088: Where did you get this question list: [The Penguin Who Could Fly]'s diary
089: Besides Elftown, what do you do most on your PC: School, personal research and games.
090: Is there a question you missed in this all: I wouldn't know. If I missed it I wouldn't have answered it I guess.
091: Favorite Actor: James Stewart
092: Favorite Actress: Connie Booth, who the hell could date John Cleese besides her?
093: Favorite Cartoon: The one I would love to write.
094: Favorite Band/ Singer: I think you need to stop the drugs

From now on if I have an emotional point on this diary it will be spoken via lolcats pictures....

Let's start it off with, are you available?
Are you actually asking? Don't even try.

Are there any stressful situations in your life?
Yeah ten of them.

Do you enjoy late night phone conversations?
Any conversation. Preferably in person.

Do you have any pet fish?
no... I have had pet cats who eat fish. Does that count?

Do you get along more with girls or guys?
I get along with intelligent people.

What are you currently hearing right now?
TV and Brian swet talking his girlfriend on MY couch.

Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?
As Corey would say,"My woman" (Imagine hick accent) [The Penguin Who Could Fly], my female family members (WAY too many) and my friend Brandi.

Would you rather marry a football player or a basketball player?
What kind of marriage? A polygamist matrimony? Or a relationship more based off of Praying Mantis'?

Is there a reason for your MySpace song?
Which one?

When will you see your dad?
In about ten hours or so AND he is paying me back a bit!

Do you drink soda?
Yes, but I drank the last one.

Has anyone ever sang to you?
Not exactly. Does being in a band count?

First person to text your phone today ?
Erin or Jeff. I don't exactly know who did first. My phone died then freaked out with texts when it was charged.

What are you looking forward to?
Blowing my English teachers brain into the wall behind him with my awesome writing.

What would your last name be if you married the last person you texted?
....Commins....

Do people tend to walk all over you?
I seem to be bruise free so far.

Are you really happy or are you just saying that?
HI!

Whens the next time you' ll see your closest friend?
When either I get haunted or die.

What was the last reason that you cried?
Being happy.

Does it take a lot to make you cry?
I don't really cry

You have siblings over the age of 21?
two....hopefully the third will never reach that age.

What is your favorite kind of weather?
Warm rain in the night.

Are you happy with your life?
Like a light switch.

Who did you last hug?
{[The Penguin Who Could Fly]

Are you a loud person?
YYYYEEEEEEESSSSS!

Would you trade lives with a famous person?
If they stopped being famous and took my place, maybe.

Are you wearing any jewelry?
Two rings and two necklaces with a sharp object in one ear.

Do you have a hard time admitting you' re wrong?
Clock.

Do you think you have made a difference in anyone' s life?
Quite possibly.

What should you be doing right now?
Probably sleeping.

Has anybody ever given you butterflies?
Yes

Will you have a valentine this year?
No. I will have my own celebration with [The Penguin Who Could Fly]. I don't celebrate hallmark holidays.

Got this from [The Penguin Who Could Fly]'s Diary. Thought it would be a hoot.


Survey Time:
Do you put shampoo in your left or right hand?
left

What' s the most dominant color in your room?
I have a bedroom? YAY!!!! *looks around* YOU LIE!!!!

Do you believe ex's can be friends?
Yeah, but it takes a bit of work and time.

Last time you wore the opposite sex' s clothing?
Today, my hat is that of a female.

If you could move somewhere else, would you?
Not really, I kind of need to be here, I will leave when I can though

When is the last time you got really frustrated?
Not in a little while.

Do you ever think " what if" about anything?
Ohhhhh yeeeaaaaaahhh

Are you happy with the way things are going?
I want a bedroom, other than though yep.

In the past week have you cried?
no not really.

In the past week has anyone gotten on your nerve s?
I do have a family you know.

Do you have a reason to smile right now?
Why wouldn't I?

Has anyone said they love you in the last week?
yep!

Do you usually have bad dreams?
What is a dream?

Do you like your bed?
I have a bed? YA....stop lying! You're going to make me cry! 

Is there a reason for your MySpace song?
I have a whole playlist, which song?

Will this weekend be a good one?
Of course it will!

Ever had the smoke alarm go off because of the steam from your shower?
What?
No but one time my friends smoked enough weed too and I got high by just walking into the house.

Blue, black, or red pens? Or another color ?
Black.

Do you curse a lot?
I'm Irish, take a guess. You pigmy faggots.

Would you go in public looking like you do right now?
Yeah.

What did you do today?
Ate tuna salad, hung around with [The Penguin Who Could Fly], did homework.

How old were you when you lost your first tooth?
Excuse me?

Last time you were on the phone?
About 5 minutes or less into the future.

Do you like Oreos?
Yes! But I'm poor and tend to buy Tuxedos.

Muscles or sense of humor?
No comprende.

Can you ice skate?
No.

Do you have a brother?
3, enough said.

What kind of mood are you in?
Awake and hopeful.

Baths or showers?
Both, I prefer showers.

Do you take out the trash?
Yep.

Are you getting engaged any time soon?
nope.

Do you watch the " Hills "?
I'm under my rock again.

Last thing someone bought for you?
a bus ride.

Are you waiting for something?
For class to start in about fourteen hours.

Is there someone you will never forget?
Many.

When' s the last time you said you were fine but really weren't?
I wouldn't say that.

Have you ever been called " heart less"?
The exact opposite.

Looking back, did you ever think you'd be where you're at in life now?
Not really no.

Do you like cuddling?
Who doesn't and why?

What are you doing right now?
this survey.

What does the second text say in your inbox and from who?
"You forgot your book" [The Penguin Who Could Fly].

What was the first thing you did when you woke up?
smiled at [The Penguin Who Could Fly]

How often do you get a new comment on Myspace?
Rarely.

How many pictures do you have saved on your computer?
Are you trying to get my identity? What is with all of these random probing questions anyway? I don't even know who the hell you are! Get out of my head. Speaking of which get the fuck off my lawn! If I catch you there again I will find a Texas Ranger, maybe Chuck Norris, and he will go Southern on your ass...hope you enjoy it! Now get out of my fucking house!

Do you like your cell phone?
No. Its an archaic piece of shit that can't hold reception for more than two hours. If you want it its for sale.

Do you like to wear sweat pants?
Never have.

Have you ever stole n a sign from a street?
Many times. Its pretty fun sometimes.

When was the last time you were disappointed?
Yeah.

Do you miss your past?
Sometimes.

Did you speak to your father today?
Nope, will in the morning though.

What did you do last night?
Watched three quartersf of Sweeney Todd and fell asleep with [The Penguin Who Could Fly].

Are you talkative?
Yeah, of course I am.

Who is first under "D" in your contacts in your cell phone?
Da

Who was the last person you talked to in person?
Crystal.

How many people do you fully trust?
A few, not you.

What to my eyes say?

Blue Eyes
Peopl​e with blue eyes last the longe​st in relat​ionsh​ips.​​ They are kind,​​ prett​y or hands​ome,​​ very good kisse​rs and are reall​y hot. They alway​s fall in love with their​ close​st frien​ds and never​ under​stand​ why. They are very funny​,​​ outgo​ing and don'​​t care what peopl​e think​ or say. They love to party​.​​ They are very satis​fying​ and love to pleas​e.​​ Are strai​ght up WARRI​ORS(​​aka wolve​s)​​when they need to be.​​They are bad to the bone.​​

More Craigslisties! This one is from Seattle

I Got Fired Today
Date: 2008-06-11, 11:44AM PDT


I walked into work this morning at about 8:53 this morning and was surprisingly greeted by my V.P.


I thought to myself, "That's odd... I didn't even know he knew I still work here?" He asked me if I knew what time it was because I am normally scheduled to be there at 8am Monday-Friday. I replied, "No, a lion attacked me on the way into work this morning. Lost my watch in the struggle. Enough about me, how can I be of assistance to you today, Mr. (****)?"


Needless to say, he didn't find my explanation very endearing :-/


Next thing I knew, I get pulled into the conference room. Thought to myself, "Geesh, I wonder what this is about?" Walked into the room and saw my direct boss and all his lovely cohorts. They presented me my last four annual reviews and wished to go over them in detail. Naturally, I started laughing because of things I wrote in the past. Didn't know they actually read them? My boss revisted one of them that I wrote in 2007 where I am supposed to comment in the section of "Employee's Greatest Accomplishments". He read it off, "I got the Supervisor/Manager in the deli [downstairs] to start carrying V8 juice."


I laughed and told them to cut to the chase. Whadya know? They had termination papers for me to sign. "Sure." A couple handshakes and then asked for a small box to pack my belongings. They obliged.


Got back to my cubicle w/one of those white Office Max "On-the-Go" file boxes and packed five years worth of stuff. For the last time, I sat in my squeaky chair that never fit me right in all the years I'd been there. Only reason I kept it was because I knew the sound annoyed the shit out of my cubemate. In fact, one day he tried to mace it with WD-40. I lied and told him that I am severly allergic to it. He pouted for me to get a new chair and mumbled a couple swear words. I giggled so hard inside my head to a point that my face turned red. I just blamed the redness on the sight of the WD-40 can.


Anyhow, back to my packing... found a lot of nothing. It hit me that I never really did "set up shop" like everyone else there at work had. You go into some cubes where the ladies have fuzzy arm sleeves for their chairs, hand-knitted blankets for their lap, a plethora of family/friends photos, personal lamps, small fish bowls, and enough plants sitting around to open up a plant nursery. Me? Well, I found the belongings that I had accumulated over five years:

*Microwave pop-corn (take your pick, I have 4 flavors ranging from "Movie Theatre Butter" to Kettle!)
*43 packets of Taco Bell's Mild sauce
*12 packets of Morton's Salt
*5 packets of pepper
*3 packets of mustard
*1 can of Campell's Chunky Beef Barley
*3 Cup of Noodles (beef flavor)
*2 Top Ramen Packs (beef flavor again)
*a box of Quaker Oatmeal "Weight Control" (yeah, no interest... lady a work gave it to me 2 yrs ago)
*4 boxes of Girl Scout cookies that I bought months ago (Thin Mint, Samoas, Peanut Butter Patties)
*1 white bowl and tons of plasticware
*and finally, travel and financial magazines dating back to 2006.


Yep, that's it folks! No pictures, no plants, no fish. Oh, wait... I have one last item I found that hit a soft spot... it's Christmas ornament that was given to me by a co-worker last year. He gives them out every year and they're kinda cute considering he's a big Samoan dude w/a tribe of pooh-pooh makers at home. They make them out of clothes pins.


Moral of my story: Don't eat too much red meat and salty foods - leads to kidney stones.

PS: Let me know if you're hiring :-)

Survey time!

What type of day are you havin​g?
A day without school


Was there​ anyon​e who "​made your day"​?
[The Penguin Who Could Fly] tends to.

Are you likin​g how you look today​?​
Ummmmm....Does a T shirt and pajama pants count as looking good? If so, yes.

Do you have anyon​e crush​ing on you?
I would imagine so.


Have you ever eaten​ a bug?
Everyone does every night.


Are you veget​erian​?
Used to be. Meat is too good.


When was the last time you kisse​d someo​ne?​
Saturday


Have you ever had somet​hing stuck​ betwe​en your teeth​,​ but no one decid​ed to tell you?
probably

Are you a mothe​r or a fathe​r?
not in the usual sense.

When was your last paych​eck?
Probably somewhere near 8 months ago or more.

How many pets do you have?
2 cats, 2 parents, 2 brothers, 1 sister, and 5 nieces and nephews.

What kind of tooth​paste​ do you use?
What ever happens to be on the counter

Are you close​r to being​ rich or poor?​
Neither, I'm a penniless student


Do you sleep​ with a stuff​ed animal?
Not usually, but sometimes.

What was the last gift someo​ne gave you?
A wonderful day out.


Do you appre​ciate​ that perso​n?
Damn fucking straight!


Are you on any type of drugs​?
nicotine inhalers. About six-ten a day.



Are you in love?
Yep.


Have you ever been in love?
Look ^


Do you even belie​ve in love?
yes


How many thing​s are you reall​y think​ing about​ right​ now?
Too many to count. On the surface I'm thinking about how to shut the kids up without mortal injury. Kind of hard actually.


Did you talk to anyon​e you didn'​t like today​?
nope


Do you like picni​cs?​
Dependable

Have you finis​hed schoo​l yet?
give me about four to six years


What is/​was your worst​ subje​ct?
math


What'​s your fathe​r'​s middl​e name?
Paul


Are you Ameri​can?
yes and no


Who are you votin​g for?
You couldn't guess.

Do you like Bush?
Honestly? no.


What kind of mood are you in?
Annoyed.


Are you waiti​ng for anyth​ing?
For school to stop deleting me.

Are you going​ to bed after​ this?
no, kids need taking care of by people other than their sleeping mother you know.


Have you ever watch​ed fahre​nheit​ 9/​11?​
Yep. Have you read the book?

McCai​n or Obama​?
obama

Where​ were you septe​mber 11?
2001?
Giving blood

What book are you curre​ntly readi​ng?
about four.

What song did you last liste​n to?
Constantly Dirty by Tech N9ne


What movie​ is in your DVD playe​r?
Dark Crystal.


How many windo​ws are open in your compu​ter?
Two.


Are you a very stres​sed out perso​n?
No.

How old is your mom?
11*(2*5)+Sqr of 4.


Has your mom ever been on telev​ision​ or in the paper​?​
Don't think so.

Are you singl​e?
Look up for a bit. For those who are inpatient and lazy the answer is no.


Do you have a beach​ house​?​
YES! If the four in my over active imagination count.

Where​ do you live?
Pundunk-population 2300



Did you hones​tly miss Melro​se place​?
Miss what?


Do you ever watch​ Bold and the beaut​iful?
no.



Do you somet​imes watch​ the news?
Everyday.


Have you ever seen a UFO?
I live with my dad. Enough said.


Do you belie​ve in alien​s?​
Of course not! God made us and we are teh holders of this Earth. I am also human and capable of lying.


Do you like Jerry​ Sprin​ger?
As a person I'm sure he is just fine.

Have you ever been to world​ trade​ cente​r?
nope


What is your favor​ite magaz​ine?
don't read them

How many times​ have you gone to a forei​gn count​ry?
once, Ireland

When will you next go on a plane​?
No idea.

When did you last go on a plane​?
June

Do you watch​ footb​all sunda​ys?
As in soccer? YES!

Do you read Perez​ Hilto​n?
nope


What are your thoug​hts on Disne​y Chann​el?
Proof the the great man is dead and his dream has been turned into zombifieing money grubbers.


Do you like Techn​o?​
yes.



Do you like Dr. Phil?​
he never really does anything...ever

Do you like Oprah​?​
Yeah.


Do you ever want to get marri​ed?
Give me a few years.



What is your favor​ite count​ry?
Ireland. My favorite country would be America if it actually up held its beliefs.

Do you like anima​ls?
I am one. I better love them.


Do you like High schoo​l music​al?
No.



Are the Jonas​ broth​ers cute?
no

Do you have an ipod?​
No I have a little pink Sandisck


Do you watch​ TV alot?​
not really


Are you afrai​d of the dark?
No not really. I have my moments I guess.

Apparently I'm appolo

Apollo
Apollo is the son of Zeus and Leto. His twin sister is Artemis. He is the god of music, playing a golden lyre. The Archer, far shooting with a silver bow. The god of healing who taught man medicine. The god of light. The god of truth, who can not speak a lie.One of Apollo's more importaint daily tasks is to harness his chariot with four horses an drive the Sun across the sky. He is famous for his oracle at Delphi. People travled to it from all over the greek world to devine the future. His tree was the laurel. The crow his bird. The dolphin his animal.

Found this on Myspace. Thought it would entertain me.

P: Popular With All Types Of People
A: Loves Someone
T: Very Broad Minded
R: Makes People laugh
I: Wild and Crazy
C: Great Friend
K: Cute

I think it general fits, there is just so much missing and so much understated.

A: Loves someone
B: loves people
C: great friend
D: can kick ur ass
E: has gorgeous eyes
F: good boyfriend or girlfriend
G: HOTT
H: very popular
I: wild and crazy
J: is really sweet
K: cute
L: very good kisser
M: can be funny and dumb at times
N: easy to fal in love with
O: has one of the best personalities ever
P: popular with all types of people
Q: Never Lets People Tell Them What To Do
R: Makes people laugh
S: crazy
T: very broad minded
U: is loved by everyone
V: not judgmental
W: is a good kisser
X: Has a smile to die for
Y: Likes Somebody
Z: makes dating fun

Also found this on Myspace

Let' s start​out with your name.

Patrick

Do you still talk to person you fell hardest for?

Yes

Is there​a girl who knows​pretty much everything​ about​ you?

Girl? Most of the people I know know a lot about me. But to answer your question; yes.

Is there a boy you can tell anything?​​

I can tell anybody anything

Have you ever played tippy cups?​​

No Comprendo

Could​you last in a relationship for over a year?​​

Yeah I definitely can imagine that.

What can you hear?​

Kids, World funniest pet movies, My brother playing a Wii game, Jeff watching him, My keyboard being pressed on, the overload of thoughts that NEED to be written down, Mom doing something in the kitchen, cars slowly driving down the road, my stomach growling, I just yawned, Brian and Kate hanging out, Whiskers sleeping behind my computer and Freddie sleeping on my lap.

Where​ are you?

That is a good question! (wanders off looking for a street sign)

Where​is the boy/girl you like?​​

At her house I would assume, of course I could be wrong.

Will you be kissing anyone this weekend?​​

Well I already have technically but this weekend is almost over. Hope I will be again soon!

What is the last tv show you watched?​​

I just watched a dog tackle a little kid with a hose a second ago.

Have you ever kissed anyone whose​name starts with a C?

Yeah, My sister Crystal.

Have you ever skipped class to smoke weed?​​

Nope. School before recreation dumbasses

Did you yell at anyone today?​​

Nope.

What did you want to be when you were little?​​

So many things that if I listed them here your head would not only explode but it would create a all consuming black hole.

Do you take anything for granted?​​

I don't believe I do, but I might.

Where​were you saturday evening?​

At my house. I have really moved much.

What would​you do if your best friend turned gay?

"if"?

Would you ever date your best friends ex?

Probably not.

Would you ever kiss someone who smokes?​​

I have before.

Who was the last person you had an instant messenger convo with?​

Instant message? Those are those things that are instant right?

What was it about?

What was what about?

Was your past week a good one?

It was pretty awesome to my opinion. THe ending part of it was missing some plastic.

Will you be in a relationship with in the next week?​​

Yep! I don't plan on not being in one.

Do you think​every one deserves a second chance?​​

Depends

Do you eat KFC?

If you want chicken you go to Ezels!

Do you use Facebook or Myspace more?​​

Elftown is the way to go!

Who's the last person you saw in person?​​

I'm surrounded by kids and people.

Have you ever been to Wild Waves​?​

Yep. About four times. Not that great.

Having any boy/girl problems?​

uhhhhh....no such thing.

Do you have any scars​?​​

Yeah but I'm a bit pale.

Is there​ anyone that always makes you smile when you talk to them?​​

Yep! [The Penguin Who Could Fly] can do righteous things!

Last December, what was your love life like?​​

Turmoil

Who can you blame for your mood today​?​​

Kids and sickness.

Besides this, what are you doing right now?

More online stuff.

When was the last time you talked to the person you like?​

trying to talk to them now.

Are you afraid to grow up?

This is a stupid question to ask me.

If you just drank 14 beers, what you would be doing?​​

Impressive things.

Want something you can't have?​​

Right now? Yeah. Someone though, not something.

Do you have a secre​t that you've never​told ANYONE?​​

I don't believe so, I have told everyone at least one secret thing about me.

Something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?​​

Not really.

What are your plans for the weekend?​​

Its over.

Who was the last person you cried​ front of?

[The Penguin Who Could Fly]

Have you kissed any friends on your top?

I think so. Besides the obvious

What's harder - to forgive or to forget?​​

Equal

Is there​something that you havent told anyone that you actually would like to?

Nope.

Is there​something that reminds you of someone every​time you see/hear it?

Too many things. I think I'm getting old.

Was the first person you talked to today​a boy or a girl?​​

A boy, Joshua woke me up.....again.

How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?​​

Plenty, actually more than the same sex.

Any plans for tomorrow?​​

Not yet. Snow is getting in the way again.

Do you like to cuddle?​​

Who the hell doesn't?

Do you like to travel by plane?​​

I love it!

Is anyone mad at you?

Don't think so.

Who was the last person to call you?

Chris

Which of your friends lives closest to you?

Jeff, David and Corey and Antony.

Was yesterday better than today?​​

I would say so.

What room are you in?

The office

Are you moving with in the next year?​​

Not likely, it would be cool though.

Will you be married in 6 years?​​

Six years? Maybe.

Your mood?​

Sick and want quite.

Another Craigslist finding. This person is senile. Do not take pity on them or fight me on this. They are crazy. Its from fayetteville.
CAT FOUND!
Date: 2008-11-29, 9:25PM EST


I found this guy the other day on my back porch. I tried feeding him and it turns out that he is not very friendly because i think he may be scared. Not quite sure the breed but I am assuming he is part Siamese. I have him in a crate because he is not really house broken. If he is yours please reply.






Does this look like a fucking CAT to you!?!?!


Here is another that is a little political. Its from San Francisco.


To the wingnut who stole my Obama/Biden magnet and left a note - w4m
Date: 2008-11-20, 12:49AM PST


I was really angry when I got to my car, which was minding its own business parked in the Barnes & Noble parking lot, and I saw that someone had stolen my precious Obama magnet! I waited more than 2 months for that magnet to come in the mail!!

But then as I was driving home I noticed a small white paper flapping in the breeze under my windshield wiper. I pulled over to retrieve it and it was a sloppily-scribbled, psychotic expression of your wingnut political beliefs. I do not care about your paranoid mental disorder (I quote: "Are you ready to give up your freedom? It's COMING MORON!!")

You stole my magnet. I want it back. I'll give you 24 hours to put it back on my scion, which will be parked there tomorrow... or I will take the scrap of Wells Fargo bank statement you wrote your wing-note on to my friend who works for Wells Fargo. She will scan the barcode on the corner of your note and tell me who you are. And I will come steal something YOU value, perhaps your fingernail clipping collection or John McCain blow-up doll!

You have until sundown Thursday, douchbag!


Lastly, craziness from Oklahoma city.

To the guy I slapped across the face in the bar... - w4m
Date: 2008-11-16, 10:24PM CST


Dear average-looking frat boy,

The image of your face when I slapped you (left-handed,too, because my drink was in my right), is one I won't soon forget.

My friend had gone to the bathroom, so when I felt a hand grab and slightly grope my ass, I had no reason to suspect that it was her who felt me up, rather than you, the innocent bystander.

I quickly turned over my shoulder and gave you a quizzical look, which you must have interpreted as come-hither, because you winked and gave me a knowing nod. Taking this as acknowledgment of "your" action, I slapped you. Hard.

This was the first time I had ever slapped anyone, and I immediately felt empowered and fully justified, having not relied on my boyfriend to stand up for my fragile female ego. Yay, feminism! This quickly turned to shock however, as I looked over at my friend, doubled over, red in the face and gasping for breath from laughing hysterically. Immediately putting two and two together, I turned to you, still standing with a very bewildered and increasingly angry look on your face. "Ohmygod, I'm so sorry-she..I.. I thought...", I struggled to apologize. "Get away from me, I don't know what's going on, get away you crazy bitch"... and then you backed up and ran away.

I probably would have done the same thing, so I don't blame you for running away. I wanted to chase you and explain, but thought better of it for several reasons. I can only imagine the stories the next morning as your buddies rehashed the situation, still wondering why a random girl slapped you for no reason. At least now you (hopefully) know the reason.

I'm still sorry. Let me know, and I'll buy you a drink, at a safe distance, so you can be sure no violence will occur. I promise.

Sincerely,

The crazy girl who (somewhat accidently) slapped you across the face

Thought this was interesting. Found it in [The Penguin Who Could Fly]'s diary.

Bold if you've done it
Italics if you want to do it

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower,/b>
6. <b>Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland (my older brothers did so I should too!)
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch (Does music and writing count?)
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice (kind of)
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors(Best experience of my life!!!
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo's David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie (online ones count?)
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen (more like stole)
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got/gave flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi concentration camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox (three times)
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous (beforehand)
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Read an entire book in one day

This, to my opinion for now, is the BEST of craigslist.com


TO THE SIX-FOOT FOUR TRANSVESTITE - m4w
Date: 2008-11-16, 12:11AM MST


I’ll file this under m4w as a compliment to your cross-dressing skills. Our paths crossed when you went to the voting center a few weeks back, presumably to vote.

You:

-Sporting a miniskirt. Heavy emphasis on "mini." I don't know what you had to do to fold your package in on itself but it was an epic feat (without venturing above the midriff, I might add). I can only imagine it involves a quarter-roll of packing tape and a gram of Vicodin every single day to pull off. Bravo, to you.

- Six-foot four. I can't imagine where one finds a miniskirt for a six-foot four man. Is there some WNBA clothing store I'm not aware of? Do you just tape two of them together and call it a day? Being about your height I know how hard it can be to find good-fitting clothes. For men. You found a miniskirt that you managed to contort into right after you taped your balls to your pelvis.

- The hair. I know, I know. It's hard enough to shave your face. And the fact that you were born a hairy male isn't helping your cause either. The face was shaved, sadly elsewhere was not. But you wore it proud. I'd classify your grooming as "tranny casual." I do think, though, that if you really want to sell people you're going to have to do something about that back hair. Your tank top, despite a heroic effort, was no match.

- The tank top. What’s a boygirl to wear when they go the miniskirt route? You answered definitively by sporting a tank top. Sure, your hair wasn’t deterred by a flimsy women’s garment, but most people probably stopped at the miniskirt, so who’s going to notice, right? I did, buddy. But I think with a good proper razor and some strong discipline, your broad shoulders will finally have the time in the spotlight they so rightfully deserve.

- The button. You had no intention of stopping at a miniskirt and tank top. Normal transvestites, dare I say the majority of them, would have ended it there. Not you, good sirmadam. The “ALPHA FEMALE” button was the icing on your cake. It wasn't a small button, either. Don't worry, if no one had noticed by then that you probably had your package vacuum-sealed to your lower stomach under the miniskirt, then you would’ve been just another tranny walking by. But I tell you that on Election Day, when every man woman and in-between was wearing a button, a thirty-something six-foot four oddly-broad-shouldered individual with a baritone voice wearing a large “ALPHA FEMALE” button really made a statement.

I was very impressed (and nothing more, mind you)

Something to entertain my mind while little kids destroy the house. I found this on my bulletin page on Myspace after accepting a friend request.

Have you ever turned down someone that you liked?
- Yes


Do you like sneezing?
- It's relieving


Are you good at small talk?
- I can get you to buy a lemon thinking its a grenade.


Which do you think is a gesture of true love: fighting for somebody or letting them go?
- There are more and better examples of this.

When was the last time you were at a loss of what to do?
- That is a quasi common thing lately.


Have you given somebody more second chances than you can count?
- Yeah, I am god of that.

Are you more comfortable with guys or girls?
- Living things


Who was the last person to surprise you by being there for you when you needed it?
- [The Penguin Who Could Fly]



Do you use words like "love" and "hate" a lot?
- Yeah but the word hate doesn't have as strong of a meaning than most people put on it.


The last time you let someone go, was it to make yourself happy or them?
- Me.


When you were little, did you ever go in cardboard boxes and pretend that they were castles?
- Castles? FORTRESSES!!!


Where's the best seat in the movie theater?
- The comfy ones at the Cinorama.


Do you have more subscribers or subscriptions?
- I wouldn't know.

What do you do more: look up, look ahead, look back, or look down?
- Look around then inside.


How was elementary school?
- Uhhhh...Lynnwood Elementary, that is all that needs to be said.


Did you ever think that you would've ended up here?
- No way in hell.


In general, would you rather watch a movie or a television show?
- A play


What did you go on more: the swings or the slides?
- Soccer


Do you like the sound of a car driving over pebbles?
- If I am headed to the property. Yes!



If you had to choose, would you have rather been a teenager in the 90's or 80's?
- 90's because then you are tripping and then you have everyone from the 80's recovering.


Who was the last boy that held the door open for you?
- A random guy at SCC


Have your friends ever convinced you to go out with someone you didn't even like?
- Kinda


Do your good memories outweigh the bad?
- Yeah

What does the color yellow make you think of?
- Jujuyfruit candy. There is a box right here.

On a typical day/night, what do you have a harder time with: falling asleep, staying asleep, or waking up?
- Going to sleep.


Whose the person on your mind right now ?
- Who else? I bet you can't guess.

Even more Craigslist Goodies!

This one is from Boston.

About a dog
Date: 2008-07-20, 5:35PM EDT


I have a great dog. He's a little on the fat side, but he's really active. He's great with kids, unless they try to pull his nubby tail. He's really friendly to people who have food. He loves to have his teeth brushed, but is resistant to having his feet touched. He can smell a little doggy, and the tooth brushing does not appear to improve his breath, but I've smelled worse. When I read some of the things on this board, I wonder about other dogs out there and how they fare in the world. I'd just like to say the following:

* I recently moved. I found an apartment that was in a great neighborhood in a building with other dogs and dog friendly folks.....this was because did a little work and looked for a place that was right for me and the dog, and stumbled over this fantastic place where I now live.

* I recently got a new job that requires that I spend more time at work. I was worried that this would negatively affect my little pup, so I make an effort to get up earlier so that we can go for a good walk before I leave, and I arranged for someone to spend time with the little guy for a while during the day while I'm at work. My career chugs along and my little guy is still happy.

* I live in a tiny, tiny apartment, but this does not negatively affect the dog in any way. Granted, he is a little guy, but the fact is that between walks before and after work, and extended play time outdoors in the evening, the size of the apartment doesn't hurt my pup's quality of life (or mine, for that matter). He has never chewed up anything I own, broken anything in the house, or done any damage to any structure that I have lived in. He does bark a bit when people walk by my kitchen window, but mostly that's because he's crazy. Or maybe because he thinks that everyone loves him and maybe that person wants to come in and pet him or give him a treat. I don't speak any dog, so I can't ask him.

* I don't have a high paying job (or career, for that matter), so I don't have a lot of disposable cash, but I do have money saved in case the dog has a minor medical emergency, and the information for Care Credit in case he has a major medical emergency.

* Admittedly, I don't have any kids (I am both unpleasant and squishy, which makes finding a baby daddy trialsome), but I distinctly remember having pets when I was a kid, and I have six brothers and sisters that my mom had to watch over. She seemed to do OK with seven kids and a dog, and while I find her an extraordinary human being, I don't think that she has any kind of pet-care superpowers.

My dog makes me laugh and he cuddles up against me and he provides me with an opening to meet some very nice (and some very interesting) people when we're out walking and he hides under the blankets when it thunders and lets me feel like I'm soothing him and he brings me toys to play with when he gets bored and he rolls over in the grass and reminds me how much fun it is to be alive. He gives me all of this and more, and all I do is walk him, feed him, and play with him.

I hope that all the people who post their dogs for adoption on this list have done every possible thing that they can do in order to keep it before they give up on themselves. I just want to say to all of you who think that it's too hard to take care of you pet: YOU CAN DO IT! Your pet believes in you, and I believe in you, too!


Montreal

We live together
Date: 2008-07-17, 8:59PM EDT


I keep passing you on the way to the fridge. I'm sure you've noticed me - I think you're looking at me out the corner of your eye when I get in and out of the bed we share. I waved at you several times over the weekend as we were sitting down to meals. At breakfast this morning you ate the oatmeal I made, but didn't seem to notice my gesticulating. I know it's unlikely you'll see this, but if you do and something clicks, get back to me.


This is from Seattle


Autographed copy of the Bible - $1,000,000,000 OBO
Date: 2008-07-16, 2:27PM PDT


I have a near-mint copy of the Bible, signed by the Big J.C. himself. According to Amazon, this is one of the better selling books of all time. I'm guessing the Prince of Peace would be happy to hear that.

This book was entrusted to me by the Knights of Templar, they borrowed it from Our Savior sometime between 28 and 32 AD and forgot to give it back. It was one of those things where they said they'd return it in a week, but then they didn't get around to reading it right away. And you know how you always feel bad returning a book you haven't read, especially when the lender asks you what you thought of it. So in trying to avoid an awkward moment with the Alpha and Omega, they hung onto it until they had more time. Well that time turned into about 2000 years, and it got mixed in with some other books and made it into a yard sale box.

At first, the King of Kings' signature wasn't worth much, but after Our Redeemer died on the cross for your sins, apparently the value skyrocketed and then rose more gradually over the next 2000 years as more people learned of the Good Shepherd's story.

Why am I selling it? I could say that I'm interested in sharing the Word of God with someone else - become a "Fisher of Men" so to speak. But the truth is I just bought an Xbox 360 and don't have room on the bookshelf for both. I'll either use the money to fight world hunger, or buy that Rock Band game I've been hankering for.

I have to add this last one. It's hella funny!

*** Girlfriend Potential Test ***
Date: 2008-07-20, 10:16PM EDT


Instructions: Please answer the questions below as directed in each section. You will be marked for grammar, spelling, cleverness, creativity and boob-size. Please keep in mind that while this is not an application for a job, your performance on this test will be a reflection of your ability to achieve certain positions once out in the real world. When the clock strikes the hour, you may begin. You have sixty minutes to complete the test.

Section One: Multiple Choice (Answer All, 5 points)

When submitting answers via email, please copy and paste the question and then your answer selection beside it.

Q1. Six months into our relationship, I go away to a tropical location with my family for a week over Christmas. This vacation was planned as a family event two years prior to meeting you. This is:
a) A great opportunity to get some things done without me around.
b) A great opportunity to attempt to sleep with my college roommate and/or my boss.
c) A sign that you are probably just a casual thing that I could toss aside at any given moment despite the fact I bought you probably the most thoughtful gift you've ever received and written you a letter for every day that I'll be gone, inciting you to 'Go on the Defensive.'
d) Occasion to have a sexy dinner at home the night before I leave, and a mini 'welcome home' party when I get back that’s guest list is just you, me, a bottle of wine and a pack of condoms.

Q2. We've talked every night for eight days (not including the dinner/opera show I took you to on Saturday night that was followed by possibly your worst performance in bed ever, or the Monday night that I came over and we spent the evening making Rachel Ray recipes and watching Heroes followed by the best oral sex I've ever given you), with conversation time averaging about an hour per night. On a Thursday night, when on a deadline, I express a need to get off the phone so I can finish some work and go to bed at a reasonable hour. You:
a) Express your feelings of devotion in three words or less, then and quickly say goodbye after confirming plans for tomorrow night are still on.
b) Say goodbye, but then immediately begin talking about something that we hadn't discussed as thoroughly as is scientifically, legally or religiously possible two nights prior.
c) Take that as a sign that I'm abandoning you, and begin to point out that because of it I have commitment issues, that you're clearly not my priority, and then cry.
d) Say goodbye, but manage to do it with such menace and venom that I stay on the phone for another three silence filled hours, broken only by fits of gentle weeping and suicide threats.

Q3. I'm throwing change at your cleavage, which is readily on display in that loose fitting tank top you wear around my place on Sundays after brunch. Do you:
a) Wing the largest of the coins at my head, with an evil glare and then refuse to speak to me for the rest of the day.
b) Encourage my behavior, and allow me to purchase Afternoon Delights from you at discount prices.
c) Cry.
d) Cry and pick a fight with me, taking my actions as a total lack of respect for you and then begin to point out that because of it I have commitment issues, that you're clearly not my priority, and then cry some more.


Q4. We're having a fight. You:
a) Throw me out of your apartment, then thirty minutes later send 17 texts and attempt to call 13 times in the space of six minutes.
b) Give me space when the discussion gets too heated for rational thought, and redress your complaints in a calm manner when we've both had a chance to cool down.
c) Flip me the bird.
d) Wail on my junk.
e) both c and d
f) realize that the fight is about nothing, and begin creating fictional problems and make wild accusations about my obsession with material goods and having a wandering eye.
g) f, then d, then c.

Q5. I play [video games OR tabletop gaming OR fantasy football]. You:
a) Want to join in, because it looks like hella fun.
b) Leave me to it, in the hopes that I'll leave you a few things to participate in on your own.
c) Attempt to get me to quit, and use tactics like nagging, vandalism and emotional sabotage as an effective campaign against what you call my 'nerdy addiction.'
d) c, but also include deriding me to your friends.

Section Two: True or False (Answer All, 10 points)

When submitting answers via email, please copy and paste the question and then your answer selection beside it.

Q1. Rationale and Reason are the same thing.

Q2. A cheerleader AND/OR schoolgirl outfit is a wardrobe must.

Q3. Talking in your 'cute voice' just before you put my balls in my mouth is sexy.

Q4. Learning body language and communication cues is important.

Q5. 'Anchorman' and 'Superbad' are hilarious movies.

Q6. "But it's cute when I do it" should be a legally viable defense.

Q7. Chest hair is gross.

Q8. Bono is probably the most important political figure of our generation.

Q9. Sex is an important part of a relationship, and should be had frequently, often, whenever possible - within moderation, of course.

Q10. A relationship is metaphorically a two way street. So is your butt.

Section Three: Short Essay. (Answer ONE, 5 points)

Please select one of the following questions and answer it as fully as time will allow. Please try and be as descriptive as possible, and where applicable, come up with at least TWO convincing arguments to support your case. Arguments must be backed up with cited evidence, not anecdotal perspective.


Q1. If I was a crime-fighting vigilante by night, what efforts would you make to support my cause about the rising threat of evil in this city?

Q2. Please come up with a convincing game-plan for having me come shopping with you, keeping in mind my retail oriented attention span is about twelve minutes, and I am prone to wandering after flashing lights and shiny things.

Q3. Please argue why you are (do) or are not (do not): 'Down to Earth', 'Have a sense of humor' and 'Laid back'. Bonus if you can include evidence to confirm that you truly do avoid 'head games.'

Please submit answers via the email link provided. Please also keep a copy of this test and your answers to submit to future suitors for reference. Remember to ensure your name, number and bra size are clearly written at the top of your paper, and don't forget to attach a photo (3/4 length or full).

Entertaining conversation with David. Which is still going on....and on....and on...

David is suspicious of suspicious vehicular kaputification. 10:00am

Patrick Commins at 1:30pm December 5
What? Whats going on?

David Rogers at 5:17pm December 5
The squirrels sabotaged the cars.

Patrick Commins at 5:19pm December 5
Ah I understand but what does that word mean?

David Rogers at 5:21pm December 5
Kaputification? It means to become or to create a state of kaput.

Patrick Commins at 5:22pm December 5
Oh! I like that word.

David Rogers at 5:23pm December 5
Me too. That is why I used it.

Patrick Commins at 5:27pm December 5
Is it a real word? Or just a Davidion word?

David Rogers at 5:29pm December 5
Such an awesome word can only be Davidion.

Patrick Commins at 5:31pm December 5
Good point. What other words do you have?

David Rogers at 5:41pm December 5
Ketchulicious. It is the only word to sufficiently describe the joy of ketchup.

Patrick Commins at 5:41pm December 5
That's awesome!

David Rogers at 5:44pm December 5
Mhmmm.

Patrick Commins at 6:38pm December 5
anymore words? Like anti squirrel words?

David Rogers at 8:12pm December 5
Squirrelzooka. Captures then fires squirrels.
ll4m4l4m3r. Llama that is good at camping squirrel spawns.
Racoonificate. To make something appear raccoonificated.
Raccoonificated something that has undergone the process of raccoonification.
Razzledazzlefonorythm. Sound waves that make people go "Whoo, razzle dazzle!"

Patrick Commins at 8:13pm December 5
Whoo, razzle dazzle!

Patrick Commins at 8:14pm December 5
These things are awesome!

David Rogers at 8:15pm December 5
Of course they are awesome. I came up with them didn't I?

Patrick Commins at 8:16pm December 5
What is racoonificated?

David Rogers at 8:17pm December 5
That is classified information.

Patrick Commins at 8:24pm December 5
Really now? How do I get it? Or do you just not know?

David Rogers at 8:27pm December 5
It is under level 17 classification, you must have at least a level 31
security clearance in order to access it.

Patrick Commins at 8:28pm December 5
Alright then where am I?

David Rogers at 8:29pm December 5
You have security level 66.

Patrick Commins at 8:30pm December 5
So either I have clearance or your scale goes down. Which is it?

David Rogers at 8:33pm December 5
Neither.
I have security clearance of 2^43112609 - 1.

Patrick Commins at 8:39pm December 5
OK then how does this work and what is the equation mean?

David Rogers at 8:41pm December 5
2 to the power of 43112609 minus 1. So you take 2 and raise it's exponent to 43112609. An exponent of a number means that you multiply the number by itself that many times, and after you have done you take away 1, this is called subtraction. It is part of simple math Patrick. You should learn these kind of things from your edication.

Patrick Commins at 8:44pm December 5
Damn the word edication will never die will it? And I know it's simple math dammit. I just want the answer, I'm bad at math. How do I get my clearance to 31?

David Rogers at 8:45pm December 5
You have to be raccoonificated.

Patrick Commins at 8:48pm December 5
Alright then how do we get this started?

David Rogers at 8:48pm December 5
Do you have a jar of marmalade?

Patrick Commins at 8:52pm December 5
I can get one.

David Rogers at 8:53pm December 5
You will most certainly fail if you do not have the marmalade at the ready at all times.

Patrick Commins at 8:55pm December 5
I'll keep that in mind and return when I get one then. What would be the next step? So I am prepared.

David Rogers at 8:57pm December 5
Remember the ostrich.

Patrick Commins at 8:58pm December 5
Alright. That's not hard. Next?

David Rogers at 9:00pm December 5
Understand the ostrich.

Patrick Commins at 9:02pm December 5
Understand how?

David Rogers at 9:04pm December 5
You have to know the ostrich. Meet the ostrich and if you try hard enough all will become clear.

Patrick Commins at 9:10pm December 5
Alright then. I will ask the next step after I finish all of these. Are we talking about the ostrich near LHS?

David Rogers at 9:11pm December 5
You said you remembered the ostrich. There is no next step until after this step is completed. The ostrich and marmalade are connected.

Patrick Commins at 9:14pm December 5
Alright then. I'll get to it.

I don't care how geeky, odd or cat-loverish this is I think its freaking awesome!

More craigslist goodies for all you folks! Again these are real advertisements. This batch even has a theme! All of the adds are from Seattle.

A heart for some wild pictures
Date: 2005-06-21, 11:45PM PDT


I need a heart. It's not for me, but for my now ex-boyfriend. I don't know if he lost his or maybe he was born without one, but he definitely doesn't have one. His other parts seem to be in place (legs, arms, toes, face). I know he has a mouth because there's always hurtful things coming out of it. He has ears, although new ones would greatly be appreciated because his aren't listening right. He has a brain, which I can settle for. I will barter for a smarter one at a different time, because right now he is in DIRE need of a heart.

Now you might be wondering, why not just post this ad on the "free" section with the other junk that has stopped working or smells of mold and cat dander? And I must admit, I considered posting him right there with the fill dirt and broken concrete. But he's like those ten year old jeans you have laying in your closet, the ones you can't give away because they looked so good on you and you just might squeeze into them again one day. I'm hoping a heart will make us fit again.

In return, you, me, and my disposable camera will get sloppy drunk and run around Seattle taking hilarious pictures that we will both forget about and remember for the rest of our lives. Think of it as a fun adult version of high school Senior pictures. We can drink at any bar you choose and take pictures anywhere you'd like, the more random the better. Imagine looking at those freshly developed pictures and wondering "How did I get on that lampost?" or "When did I go into Elliot Bay with those "sexy" twins (either male of female your choice)?"

I will be needing the heart, of course, before we go on our drunken rampage, because binge drinking can lead to heart problems and in all fairness, if you needed a battery, I would not give you a half used Duracel. I will be screening candidates, so please forward me your qualifications. Required information:

1) List at least three past experiences that showcase your kindness, passion, and love for another non-family related person.
2) Two references, including phone numbers, of people who have loved or are loved by you
3) Any possible health factors (smoking is not an issue since he is already a smoker)

Please feel free to give as much detail as you like. I am a professional drunk photographer and I have left many a 1 Hour Photo clerk speechless. I will be more than willing to show you my portfolio if you have any concerns.


Just fucking fuck me, already.
Date: 2008-02-03, 3:29PM PST


Dear Men of Craigslist,

Look, I know you men have it difficult. Women are just about impossible to understand, much less please. In a post-feminist society, you never know exactly what you should be doing. Women are bloody picky, I know we are. It can be scary, too, when women freak out about what appear to be benign issues. And men who do their best to be respectful, female-positive humans, I salute you, I do.

But please, please just fuck me already. Honestly, I appreciate your thoughtfulness. I like that you want to take things slow. I can totally get behind the idea of emotional connection, but dearjesusinheaven, FUCK ME. We've done dinner and drinks. We've gone dancing. We've cuddled and watched a movie. I'm wearing a low cut shirt and you've been staring at my breasts all night. Goodgodalmighty, get to it and fuck me.

When we get hot and heavy, please take charge. Please, please fuck me. Trust me, I'm not going to just lie still - I'll get involved. But don't make me force your hand into my panties. That makes me feel like a rapist. We've been kissing for a half hour and your hand keeps grazing my ass. That's nice, but it's time to move forward. Get on top of me. Don't make me get on top right out of the gate and start bobbing up and down on your cock like I'm practicing some crazy new aerobic yoga because YOU won't go down on me. Roll on top and start dry humping like a good boy should. Don't gently suck my nipples and then pull back when I moan with pleasure. You being coy is totally not what I want. It's not what WE want.

OK, I know it's scary. There are lots of women out there who make fucking really difficult. So, I have compiled some handy tips. Don't think of this as complaining, or as schadenfreude for the Andrea Dworkins of the world. Just some simple tips, for timid men who have forgotten what it means to fuck like men:

1. Taking charge is not bad. Oh, there will be some women who feel that you are pushy. If you are making out with a woman, and she starts to push back, ask nicely if things are moving too fast. If she says yes, say something like "I'm sorry - you just look so fucking delicious. I'll go slower." Otherwise, skillfully move forward. If you start kissing a woman, and she responds well, and before long, you're both on the floor with her skirt pushed up, and you on top of her, it's not the time to roll onto your back and start awkwardly stroking the top of her head. Seriously, grow a goddamn pair. YOU'RE the man. Act like one.

2. Ohmyfuckinggod, please learn to respect the clit. It's different for every woman, so ask what she likes. Do not, I repeat, do not just wiggle your fingers around her pussy like you're trying to tickle her. Do not drum your fingertips against her vulva like you are impatiently waiting at the Sears Tire Center for your receipt. Do not push the clit like it is a doorbell at some house that you need to get inside of. Start by using all four fingers with firm yet gentle pressure against the outside of her pussy. Do not charge in with a single finger and start jabbing at things. And if you really don't know what to do, ask her. Just ask. "How do you like it?". It's a simple question, and most women will answer straight out. If she's being all coy, ask "Do you like pressure? Is it sensitive?" The clitoris is a varied item, indeed. Treat each one as though you have never encountered one before. Forget everything that your last partner liked.

3. Most women like to be fucked, and fucked well. Yes, there are women out there who want to "make love" every time - sweet, gentle, rocking love with lots of eye contact and loving kisses. Those women are not the majority. The majority like to be pounded. The majority like to have their hair pulled. The majority like a good, solid jackhammering. When a woman is bucking wildly against you, it's not because she wants you to pull back and slowly swirl your cock around her vagina like you're mixing a cake batter up there. It's because she wants you to hold down her arms, or grab her hips, or push her legs above her head, and fuck her harder. Don't be too afraid of what this means as far as gender equality goes - I am a raging feminist bitch, but I still want to be penetrated like you are planning on fucking my throat from the inside out.

4. A little roughness is nice. Do not pretend that you had no idea that some women like their hair pulled. Do not act shocked if she wants you to spank her ("Really? Spanking? Won't it hurt?" - yes, it does. That's the fucking point). We know you've read Stuff and Maxim, and that's all those laddie mags talk about in their "How to Please Her" sections. Start with light, full handed smacks to the area of her ass that she sits on. Judge her response and continue on from there. You don't have to bend her over one knee and tell her she's a naughty girl and that Daddy's going to punish her; save that for the fifth date. Women are less delicate than you think, so don't worry about breaking her hip.

5. It's OK for you to make noise. Otherwise, we feel like we are fucking a ninja. Unless you actually are a ninja, and have sneaked into our rooms with vibrating nanuchaku and zippered black pajamas, please, please make some noise. If you're banging a woman, and she's crying out and saying your name and moaning, and you can't even manage a grunt, she's going to feel like an idiot. You don't have to make the sounds she is making, but do SOMETHING. You know how when you are watching porn, and the girl does something great to the guy and the guy kind of goes "Ah!", half grunt, half yell? That's HOT. Do that. Whisper our name (assuming you know it) gruffly. Groan against her neck when you're in missionary position. You don't have to grunt like a mountain gorilla, but if you are totally mute, she's going to get worried.

6. Most women like dirty talk, in addition to the grunting. If you'd like to get some dirty talk going, ask her if she likes the way you fuck her. If she responds well, continue with something like, "I love fucking you. God, you look so fucking hot." Is she still moaning in response? "Your tits are so beautiful." Does that work? If she doesn't respond well to the term "tits", you might have to stop there. If she keep moaning or responding, pass Go and collect $200. Try the following:

"Oh, god. Your pussy is SO tight."
"You're so wet - are you wet because you like the feel of my cock ramming you?"
"I think I'm going to come inside you. I'm going to fill up your little cunt." It doesn't matter that you're wearing a condom; we LOVE hearing this.

If all of those work, you can then progress to things like "sexy little bitch" and "dirty whore". Tread carefully, but please, tread. Do not tiptoe. Do not sit down. Charge.

6. You're not obligated to eat a woman out. In return, she's not obligated to choke on your dick. Don't skip one and expect the other. If you do eat a woman out, the only comment you should make about her pussy is how nice it is. The length of her labia minora, the color of her interior, her waxing job or full bush - you are not John Madden. No time for color commentary.

7. Do not bitch about condoms. Oh, we hate them. Trust us. They hurt us more than they hurt you. But we don't want to be preggers, and you don't want to catch anything, right? Don't whine about condom sex. Do not explain that you can't come with one on. LEARN to come with one on, or if not, help us figure out what to do with you once we're satisfied and it's time for you to let loose your load.

8. We really like it when you come. It's called a money shot for a reason. Watching semen shoot out of you is one of the most gratifying things EVER. However, do not assume that she wants you to jack it off onto her face. She might, but don't assume. Seeing and/or feeling you come is rewarding for us, so there's no need to deprive us of it, but please do consult us before unleashing. "I think I'm going to come - how do you like it?" is a fair question that shouldn't rob you of your testicles.

In recent memory, I've been fucked by a very aggressive, manly guy, and I've been... well, fucked is the wrong term here. I've been penetrated by a total and utter wuss. Who am I going to run back to when I'm ready for my fill? Manly McHardon, that's who. ----------------------------------------------------

*New point of clarification - some people have brought up some really great issues in response to this post, so let me say this: I don't mean to imply that all women like to be treated like whores. I do mean to say that most women I know have told me that they like sex rougher than most men give it to them. Rough does NOT equal chains and bondage. And this applies to the bedroom only, and does not mean that she wants you to choose her dinner for her, or treat her like less of a person. **Some women have said that they don't like it rough and what the hell am I thinking? Well, girls, you're in the minority. HOWEVER, all women need to remember that, in addition to be straight forward about your sexual desires, you need to be straight forward about your sexual limits. Don't be afraid to ask for more, but when something feels wrong, say so. Don't ever do something you don't want to do in silence and then blame the guy. Silence is dangerous.


15 Reasons Why I Would Rather Have a Boyfriend than a Border Collie
Date: 2005-04-11, 1:11AM PDT


Boyfriend usually more financially responsible than border collie

Won’t have to follow boyfriend around city with plastic bags picking up his poop from the sidewalk (unless it’s some kind of special situation, I guess)

When we go on long steep climbs near the Mountain Loop Highway, I won’t have to worry about boyfriend seeing a bird and accidentally hurtling self over a cliff to the rocks below

Boyfriend won’t slobber on pant leg (at least not in public)

Won’t have to watch the Animal Channel all the time and can keep the television off and get some writing done

Won’t have to fight constantly about border collie’s drinking problem

When taking long beach walks on Oregon Coast, boyfriend won’t suddenly sprint off and joyfully roll his body on top of dead sea mammal or ailing seagull

Border collies can’t send nice email or phone messages when you’re having a bad day at work. A text message from a border collie can be frightening.

Boyfriend won’t eat slugs and puke them up on my down comforter and bare shoulder in the morning

Boyfriend won’t accidentally trip me when jogging alongside me near busy street

Boyfriend practices good dental hygiene, border collie brushes teeth with sticks

A border collie can’t go to movies and doesn’t appreciate independent film, but boyfriend might

Won’t have to discuss Nietzsche all the time with boyfriend.

Boyfriend won’t knock glasses off my face when I hug him

Boyfriend not afraid of fireworks and other loud noises, which is important because the Fourth of July is coming up.

Boyfriend does not require licensing through the City of Seattle.

I See The Snow

I see the moon
The mountains, curves and long flat plains
Refracting, rebounding and reflecting the light
Giving it a most beautiful glow
When it lands on this surface most are asleep
But I can see
I see the sun
The flares, glint and shine
Giving, growing and Generating light
Showing where the world started
When the gift lands on this world most are awake
But I can see
I see the boy
Back in 1940
Whirling, whizzing and whooping with joy
With thoughts of snowball fights and the first white Christmas of his life
As shiny bits of bubble gum wrappers fall from the sky
                        ~Patrick Commins~

Escapism from little kids.

When'​​s the next time you will see the perso​n who absol​utely​ takes​ your breath away?​​
Tomorrow!


Think​ back to March​,​​ how was your love life then?​​
In march? Non-existent

What are you liste​ning to?
A pair of twin crying for food, a two year old asking me if he can put a glass of water in the microwave because he wants it hot and a seven year old talking about how she is going to make her taco for dinner. OH! You mean music? Brandie Carlyle's "Silver Cloud".


Do you have a bad tempe​r?​​
no not really.


Do you like anyon​e?​​
Damn straight.

when is the next time you will kiss someone?
Tomorrow! Maybe tonight if my niece or sister wants a kiss goodnight.


Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?
Yeah but most people say how weird they look.


Do you like to go on walks?
I love wandering around.


Hows your heart?
Its skips beats a lot recently. Both metaphorically and physically.



Do you hate the last perso​n you kisse​d?​​​
Excuse me? I think your logic needs a tune up.


Last night​ you felt:​​​
Yesterday? Pretty good. A little worried and annoyed before I went to sleep.


Has anyone told you they love you today?
Yes. I hear it everyday.

what did you have for dinner?
Creole Tacos!


How often​ do you hold back from sayin​g what you are think​ing?​​​
Again, your logic is flawed and needs to be beat with a sledge hammer.

What are you going to do after this?
Watch a movie, write some more and hopefully go off to the apartment rather than take care of kids again.

The Greatest Work

No giants shoulders to stand on
No "for a better world"
No riches from a New World
Fights will be had
Embraces will be shared
Tears will be shed
Smiles will shine
Hearts ma be broken
Souls will soar
And so much more
we will grow
we will glitter like gold
We will soar
No giants shoulders
For none alive has truly attained
No "for a better world"
For nothing happens to the world
No riches from a New World
For there is nothing material within
This is truly Bohemian
This work
And is only accomplished by the greatest
You
And I
                     ~Patrick Commins~