Another Craigslist finding. This person is senile. Do not take pity on them or fight me on this. They are crazy. Its from fayetteville.
CAT FOUND!
Date: 2008-11-29, 9:25PM EST


I found this guy the other day on my back porch. I tried feeding him and it turns out that he is not very friendly because i think he may be scared. Not quite sure the breed but I am assuming he is part Siamese. I have him in a crate because he is not really house broken. If he is yours please reply.






Does this look like a fucking CAT to you!?!?!


Here is another that is a little political. Its from San Francisco.


To the wingnut who stole my Obama/Biden magnet and left a note - w4m
Date: 2008-11-20, 12:49AM PST


I was really angry when I got to my car, which was minding its own business parked in the Barnes & Noble parking lot, and I saw that someone had stolen my precious Obama magnet! I waited more than 2 months for that magnet to come in the mail!!

But then as I was driving home I noticed a small white paper flapping in the breeze under my windshield wiper. I pulled over to retrieve it and it was a sloppily-scribbled, psychotic expression of your wingnut political beliefs. I do not care about your paranoid mental disorder (I quote: "Are you ready to give up your freedom? It's COMING MORON!!")

You stole my magnet. I want it back. I'll give you 24 hours to put it back on my scion, which will be parked there tomorrow... or I will take the scrap of Wells Fargo bank statement you wrote your wing-note on to my friend who works for Wells Fargo. She will scan the barcode on the corner of your note and tell me who you are. And I will come steal something YOU value, perhaps your fingernail clipping collection or John McCain blow-up doll!

You have until sundown Thursday, douchbag!


Lastly, craziness from Oklahoma city.

To the guy I slapped across the face in the bar... - w4m
Date: 2008-11-16, 10:24PM CST


Dear average-looking frat boy,

The image of your face when I slapped you (left-handed,too, because my drink was in my right), is one I won't soon forget.

My friend had gone to the bathroom, so when I felt a hand grab and slightly grope my ass, I had no reason to suspect that it was her who felt me up, rather than you, the innocent bystander.

I quickly turned over my shoulder and gave you a quizzical look, which you must have interpreted as come-hither, because you winked and gave me a knowing nod. Taking this as acknowledgment of "your" action, I slapped you. Hard.

This was the first time I had ever slapped anyone, and I immediately felt empowered and fully justified, having not relied on my boyfriend to stand up for my fragile female ego. Yay, feminism! This quickly turned to shock however, as I looked over at my friend, doubled over, red in the face and gasping for breath from laughing hysterically. Immediately putting two and two together, I turned to you, still standing with a very bewildered and increasingly angry look on your face. "Ohmygod, I'm so sorry-she..I.. I thought...", I struggled to apologize. "Get away from me, I don't know what's going on, get away you crazy bitch"... and then you backed up and ran away.

I probably would have done the same thing, so I don't blame you for running away. I wanted to chase you and explain, but thought better of it for several reasons. I can only imagine the stories the next morning as your buddies rehashed the situation, still wondering why a random girl slapped you for no reason. At least now you (hopefully) know the reason.

I'm still sorry. Let me know, and I'll buy you a drink, at a safe distance, so you can be sure no violence will occur. I promise.

Sincerely,

The crazy girl who (somewhat accidently) slapped you across the face

Thought this was interesting. Found it in [The Penguin Who Could Fly]'s diary.

Bold if you've done it
Italics if you want to do it

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower,/b>
6. <b>Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland (my older brothers did so I should too!)
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch (Does music and writing count?)
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice (kind of)
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors(Best experience of my life!!!
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo's David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie (online ones count?)
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen (more like stole)
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got/gave flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi concentration camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox (three times)
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous (beforehand)
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Read an entire book in one day

This, to my opinion for now, is the BEST of craigslist.com


TO THE SIX-FOOT FOUR TRANSVESTITE - m4w
Date: 2008-11-16, 12:11AM MST


I’ll file this under m4w as a compliment to your cross-dressing skills. Our paths crossed when you went to the voting center a few weeks back, presumably to vote.

You:

-Sporting a miniskirt. Heavy emphasis on "mini." I don't know what you had to do to fold your package in on itself but it was an epic feat (without venturing above the midriff, I might add). I can only imagine it involves a quarter-roll of packing tape and a gram of Vicodin every single day to pull off. Bravo, to you.

- Six-foot four. I can't imagine where one finds a miniskirt for a six-foot four man. Is there some WNBA clothing store I'm not aware of? Do you just tape two of them together and call it a day? Being about your height I know how hard it can be to find good-fitting clothes. For men. You found a miniskirt that you managed to contort into right after you taped your balls to your pelvis.

- The hair. I know, I know. It's hard enough to shave your face. And the fact that you were born a hairy male isn't helping your cause either. The face was shaved, sadly elsewhere was not. But you wore it proud. I'd classify your grooming as "tranny casual." I do think, though, that if you really want to sell people you're going to have to do something about that back hair. Your tank top, despite a heroic effort, was no match.

- The tank top. What’s a boygirl to wear when they go the miniskirt route? You answered definitively by sporting a tank top. Sure, your hair wasn’t deterred by a flimsy women’s garment, but most people probably stopped at the miniskirt, so who’s going to notice, right? I did, buddy. But I think with a good proper razor and some strong discipline, your broad shoulders will finally have the time in the spotlight they so rightfully deserve.

- The button. You had no intention of stopping at a miniskirt and tank top. Normal transvestites, dare I say the majority of them, would have ended it there. Not you, good sirmadam. The “ALPHA FEMALE” button was the icing on your cake. It wasn't a small button, either. Don't worry, if no one had noticed by then that you probably had your package vacuum-sealed to your lower stomach under the miniskirt, then you would’ve been just another tranny walking by. But I tell you that on Election Day, when every man woman and in-between was wearing a button, a thirty-something six-foot four oddly-broad-shouldered individual with a baritone voice wearing a large “ALPHA FEMALE” button really made a statement.

I was very impressed (and nothing more, mind you)

Something to entertain my mind while little kids destroy the house. I found this on my bulletin page on Myspace after accepting a friend request.

Have you ever turned down someone that you liked?
- Yes


Do you like sneezing?
- It's relieving


Are you good at small talk?
- I can get you to buy a lemon thinking its a grenade.


Which do you think is a gesture of true love: fighting for somebody or letting them go?
- There are more and better examples of this.

When was the last time you were at a loss of what to do?
- That is a quasi common thing lately.


Have you given somebody more second chances than you can count?
- Yeah, I am god of that.

Are you more comfortable with guys or girls?
- Living things


Who was the last person to surprise you by being there for you when you needed it?
- [The Penguin Who Could Fly]



Do you use words like "love" and "hate" a lot?
- Yeah but the word hate doesn't have as strong of a meaning than most people put on it.


The last time you let someone go, was it to make yourself happy or them?
- Me.


When you were little, did you ever go in cardboard boxes and pretend that they were castles?
- Castles? FORTRESSES!!!


Where's the best seat in the movie theater?
- The comfy ones at the Cinorama.


Do you have more subscribers or subscriptions?
- I wouldn't know.

What do you do more: look up, look ahead, look back, or look down?
- Look around then inside.


How was elementary school?
- Uhhhh...Lynnwood Elementary, that is all that needs to be said.


Did you ever think that you would've ended up here?
- No way in hell.


In general, would you rather watch a movie or a television show?
- A play


What did you go on more: the swings or the slides?
- Soccer


Do you like the sound of a car driving over pebbles?
- If I am headed to the property. Yes!



If you had to choose, would you have rather been a teenager in the 90's or 80's?
- 90's because then you are tripping and then you have everyone from the 80's recovering.


Who was the last boy that held the door open for you?
- A random guy at SCC


Have your friends ever convinced you to go out with someone you didn't even like?
- Kinda


Do your good memories outweigh the bad?
- Yeah

What does the color yellow make you think of?
- Jujuyfruit candy. There is a box right here.

On a typical day/night, what do you have a harder time with: falling asleep, staying asleep, or waking up?
- Going to sleep.


Whose the person on your mind right now ?
- Who else? I bet you can't guess.

Even more Craigslist Goodies!

This one is from Boston.

About a dog
Date: 2008-07-20, 5:35PM EDT


I have a great dog. He's a little on the fat side, but he's really active. He's great with kids, unless they try to pull his nubby tail. He's really friendly to people who have food. He loves to have his teeth brushed, but is resistant to having his feet touched. He can smell a little doggy, and the tooth brushing does not appear to improve his breath, but I've smelled worse. When I read some of the things on this board, I wonder about other dogs out there and how they fare in the world. I'd just like to say the following:

* I recently moved. I found an apartment that was in a great neighborhood in a building with other dogs and dog friendly folks.....this was because did a little work and looked for a place that was right for me and the dog, and stumbled over this fantastic place where I now live.

* I recently got a new job that requires that I spend more time at work. I was worried that this would negatively affect my little pup, so I make an effort to get up earlier so that we can go for a good walk before I leave, and I arranged for someone to spend time with the little guy for a while during the day while I'm at work. My career chugs along and my little guy is still happy.

* I live in a tiny, tiny apartment, but this does not negatively affect the dog in any way. Granted, he is a little guy, but the fact is that between walks before and after work, and extended play time outdoors in the evening, the size of the apartment doesn't hurt my pup's quality of life (or mine, for that matter). He has never chewed up anything I own, broken anything in the house, or done any damage to any structure that I have lived in. He does bark a bit when people walk by my kitchen window, but mostly that's because he's crazy. Or maybe because he thinks that everyone loves him and maybe that person wants to come in and pet him or give him a treat. I don't speak any dog, so I can't ask him.

* I don't have a high paying job (or career, for that matter), so I don't have a lot of disposable cash, but I do have money saved in case the dog has a minor medical emergency, and the information for Care Credit in case he has a major medical emergency.

* Admittedly, I don't have any kids (I am both unpleasant and squishy, which makes finding a baby daddy trialsome), but I distinctly remember having pets when I was a kid, and I have six brothers and sisters that my mom had to watch over. She seemed to do OK with seven kids and a dog, and while I find her an extraordinary human being, I don't think that she has any kind of pet-care superpowers.

My dog makes me laugh and he cuddles up against me and he provides me with an opening to meet some very nice (and some very interesting) people when we're out walking and he hides under the blankets when it thunders and lets me feel like I'm soothing him and he brings me toys to play with when he gets bored and he rolls over in the grass and reminds me how much fun it is to be alive. He gives me all of this and more, and all I do is walk him, feed him, and play with him.

I hope that all the people who post their dogs for adoption on this list have done every possible thing that they can do in order to keep it before they give up on themselves. I just want to say to all of you who think that it's too hard to take care of you pet: YOU CAN DO IT! Your pet believes in you, and I believe in you, too!


Montreal

We live together
Date: 2008-07-17, 8:59PM EDT


I keep passing you on the way to the fridge. I'm sure you've noticed me - I think you're looking at me out the corner of your eye when I get in and out of the bed we share. I waved at you several times over the weekend as we were sitting down to meals. At breakfast this morning you ate the oatmeal I made, but didn't seem to notice my gesticulating. I know it's unlikely you'll see this, but if you do and something clicks, get back to me.


This is from Seattle


Autographed copy of the Bible - $1,000,000,000 OBO
Date: 2008-07-16, 2:27PM PDT


I have a near-mint copy of the Bible, signed by the Big J.C. himself. According to Amazon, this is one of the better selling books of all time. I'm guessing the Prince of Peace would be happy to hear that.

This book was entrusted to me by the Knights of Templar, they borrowed it from Our Savior sometime between 28 and 32 AD and forgot to give it back. It was one of those things where they said they'd return it in a week, but then they didn't get around to reading it right away. And you know how you always feel bad returning a book you haven't read, especially when the lender asks you what you thought of it. So in trying to avoid an awkward moment with the Alpha and Omega, they hung onto it until they had more time. Well that time turned into about 2000 years, and it got mixed in with some other books and made it into a yard sale box.

At first, the King of Kings' signature wasn't worth much, but after Our Redeemer died on the cross for your sins, apparently the value skyrocketed and then rose more gradually over the next 2000 years as more people learned of the Good Shepherd's story.

Why am I selling it? I could say that I'm interested in sharing the Word of God with someone else - become a "Fisher of Men" so to speak. But the truth is I just bought an Xbox 360 and don't have room on the bookshelf for both. I'll either use the money to fight world hunger, or buy that Rock Band game I've been hankering for.

I have to add this last one. It's hella funny!

*** Girlfriend Potential Test ***
Date: 2008-07-20, 10:16PM EDT


Instructions: Please answer the questions below as directed in each section. You will be marked for grammar, spelling, cleverness, creativity and boob-size. Please keep in mind that while this is not an application for a job, your performance on this test will be a reflection of your ability to achieve certain positions once out in the real world. When the clock strikes the hour, you may begin. You have sixty minutes to complete the test.

Section One: Multiple Choice (Answer All, 5 points)

When submitting answers via email, please copy and paste the question and then your answer selection beside it.

Q1. Six months into our relationship, I go away to a tropical location with my family for a week over Christmas. This vacation was planned as a family event two years prior to meeting you. This is:
a) A great opportunity to get some things done without me around.
b) A great opportunity to attempt to sleep with my college roommate and/or my boss.
c) A sign that you are probably just a casual thing that I could toss aside at any given moment despite the fact I bought you probably the most thoughtful gift you've ever received and written you a letter for every day that I'll be gone, inciting you to 'Go on the Defensive.'
d) Occasion to have a sexy dinner at home the night before I leave, and a mini 'welcome home' party when I get back that’s guest list is just you, me, a bottle of wine and a pack of condoms.

Q2. We've talked every night for eight days (not including the dinner/opera show I took you to on Saturday night that was followed by possibly your worst performance in bed ever, or the Monday night that I came over and we spent the evening making Rachel Ray recipes and watching Heroes followed by the best oral sex I've ever given you), with conversation time averaging about an hour per night. On a Thursday night, when on a deadline, I express a need to get off the phone so I can finish some work and go to bed at a reasonable hour. You:
a) Express your feelings of devotion in three words or less, then and quickly say goodbye after confirming plans for tomorrow night are still on.
b) Say goodbye, but then immediately begin talking about something that we hadn't discussed as thoroughly as is scientifically, legally or religiously possible two nights prior.
c) Take that as a sign that I'm abandoning you, and begin to point out that because of it I have commitment issues, that you're clearly not my priority, and then cry.
d) Say goodbye, but manage to do it with such menace and venom that I stay on the phone for another three silence filled hours, broken only by fits of gentle weeping and suicide threats.

Q3. I'm throwing change at your cleavage, which is readily on display in that loose fitting tank top you wear around my place on Sundays after brunch. Do you:
a) Wing the largest of the coins at my head, with an evil glare and then refuse to speak to me for the rest of the day.
b) Encourage my behavior, and allow me to purchase Afternoon Delights from you at discount prices.
c) Cry.
d) Cry and pick a fight with me, taking my actions as a total lack of respect for you and then begin to point out that because of it I have commitment issues, that you're clearly not my priority, and then cry some more.


Q4. We're having a fight. You:
a) Throw me out of your apartment, then thirty minutes later send 17 texts and attempt to call 13 times in the space of six minutes.
b) Give me space when the discussion gets too heated for rational thought, and redress your complaints in a calm manner when we've both had a chance to cool down.
c) Flip me the bird.
d) Wail on my junk.
e) both c and d
f) realize that the fight is about nothing, and begin creating fictional problems and make wild accusations about my obsession with material goods and having a wandering eye.
g) f, then d, then c.

Q5. I play [video games OR tabletop gaming OR fantasy football]. You:
a) Want to join in, because it looks like hella fun.
b) Leave me to it, in the hopes that I'll leave you a few things to participate in on your own.
c) Attempt to get me to quit, and use tactics like nagging, vandalism and emotional sabotage as an effective campaign against what you call my 'nerdy addiction.'
d) c, but also include deriding me to your friends.

Section Two: True or False (Answer All, 10 points)

When submitting answers via email, please copy and paste the question and then your answer selection beside it.

Q1. Rationale and Reason are the same thing.

Q2. A cheerleader AND/OR schoolgirl outfit is a wardrobe must.

Q3. Talking in your 'cute voice' just before you put my balls in my mouth is sexy.

Q4. Learning body language and communication cues is important.

Q5. 'Anchorman' and 'Superbad' are hilarious movies.

Q6. "But it's cute when I do it" should be a legally viable defense.

Q7. Chest hair is gross.

Q8. Bono is probably the most important political figure of our generation.

Q9. Sex is an important part of a relationship, and should be had frequently, often, whenever possible - within moderation, of course.

Q10. A relationship is metaphorically a two way street. So is your butt.

Section Three: Short Essay. (Answer ONE, 5 points)

Please select one of the following questions and answer it as fully as time will allow. Please try and be as descriptive as possible, and where applicable, come up with at least TWO convincing arguments to support your case. Arguments must be backed up with cited evidence, not anecdotal perspective.


Q1. If I was a crime-fighting vigilante by night, what efforts would you make to support my cause about the rising threat of evil in this city?

Q2. Please come up with a convincing game-plan for having me come shopping with you, keeping in mind my retail oriented attention span is about twelve minutes, and I am prone to wandering after flashing lights and shiny things.

Q3. Please argue why you are (do) or are not (do not): 'Down to Earth', 'Have a sense of humor' and 'Laid back'. Bonus if you can include evidence to confirm that you truly do avoid 'head games.'

Please submit answers via the email link provided. Please also keep a copy of this test and your answers to submit to future suitors for reference. Remember to ensure your name, number and bra size are clearly written at the top of your paper, and don't forget to attach a photo (3/4 length or full).

Entertaining conversation with David. Which is still going on....and on....and on...

David is suspicious of suspicious vehicular kaputification. 10:00am

Patrick Commins at 1:30pm December 5
What? Whats going on?

David Rogers at 5:17pm December 5
The squirrels sabotaged the cars.

Patrick Commins at 5:19pm December 5
Ah I understand but what does that word mean?

David Rogers at 5:21pm December 5
Kaputification? It means to become or to create a state of kaput.

Patrick Commins at 5:22pm December 5
Oh! I like that word.

David Rogers at 5:23pm December 5
Me too. That is why I used it.

Patrick Commins at 5:27pm December 5
Is it a real word? Or just a Davidion word?

David Rogers at 5:29pm December 5
Such an awesome word can only be Davidion.

Patrick Commins at 5:31pm December 5
Good point. What other words do you have?

David Rogers at 5:41pm December 5
Ketchulicious. It is the only word to sufficiently describe the joy of ketchup.

Patrick Commins at 5:41pm December 5
That's awesome!

David Rogers at 5:44pm December 5
Mhmmm.

Patrick Commins at 6:38pm December 5
anymore words? Like anti squirrel words?

David Rogers at 8:12pm December 5
Squirrelzooka. Captures then fires squirrels.
ll4m4l4m3r. Llama that is good at camping squirrel spawns.
Racoonificate. To make something appear raccoonificated.
Raccoonificated something that has undergone the process of raccoonification.
Razzledazzlefonorythm. Sound waves that make people go "Whoo, razzle dazzle!"

Patrick Commins at 8:13pm December 5
Whoo, razzle dazzle!

Patrick Commins at 8:14pm December 5
These things are awesome!

David Rogers at 8:15pm December 5
Of course they are awesome. I came up with them didn't I?

Patrick Commins at 8:16pm December 5
What is racoonificated?

David Rogers at 8:17pm December 5
That is classified information.

Patrick Commins at 8:24pm December 5
Really now? How do I get it? Or do you just not know?

David Rogers at 8:27pm December 5
It is under level 17 classification, you must have at least a level 31
security clearance in order to access it.

Patrick Commins at 8:28pm December 5
Alright then where am I?

David Rogers at 8:29pm December 5
You have security level 66.

Patrick Commins at 8:30pm December 5
So either I have clearance or your scale goes down. Which is it?

David Rogers at 8:33pm December 5
Neither.
I have security clearance of 2^43112609 - 1.

Patrick Commins at 8:39pm December 5
OK then how does this work and what is the equation mean?

David Rogers at 8:41pm December 5
2 to the power of 43112609 minus 1. So you take 2 and raise it's exponent to 43112609. An exponent of a number means that you multiply the number by itself that many times, and after you have done you take away 1, this is called subtraction. It is part of simple math Patrick. You should learn these kind of things from your edication.

Patrick Commins at 8:44pm December 5
Damn the word edication will never die will it? And I know it's simple math dammit. I just want the answer, I'm bad at math. How do I get my clearance to 31?

David Rogers at 8:45pm December 5
You have to be raccoonificated.

Patrick Commins at 8:48pm December 5
Alright then how do we get this started?

David Rogers at 8:48pm December 5
Do you have a jar of marmalade?

Patrick Commins at 8:52pm December 5
I can get one.

David Rogers at 8:53pm December 5
You will most certainly fail if you do not have the marmalade at the ready at all times.

Patrick Commins at 8:55pm December 5
I'll keep that in mind and return when I get one then. What would be the next step? So I am prepared.

David Rogers at 8:57pm December 5
Remember the ostrich.

Patrick Commins at 8:58pm December 5
Alright. That's not hard. Next?

David Rogers at 9:00pm December 5
Understand the ostrich.

Patrick Commins at 9:02pm December 5
Understand how?

David Rogers at 9:04pm December 5
You have to know the ostrich. Meet the ostrich and if you try hard enough all will become clear.

Patrick Commins at 9:10pm December 5
Alright then. I will ask the next step after I finish all of these. Are we talking about the ostrich near LHS?

David Rogers at 9:11pm December 5
You said you remembered the ostrich. There is no next step until after this step is completed. The ostrich and marmalade are connected.

Patrick Commins at 9:14pm December 5
Alright then. I'll get to it.

I don't care how geeky, odd or cat-loverish this is I think its freaking awesome!

More craigslist goodies for all you folks! Again these are real advertisements. This batch even has a theme! All of the adds are from Seattle.

A heart for some wild pictures
Date: 2005-06-21, 11:45PM PDT


I need a heart. It's not for me, but for my now ex-boyfriend. I don't know if he lost his or maybe he was born without one, but he definitely doesn't have one. His other parts seem to be in place (legs, arms, toes, face). I know he has a mouth because there's always hurtful things coming out of it. He has ears, although new ones would greatly be appreciated because his aren't listening right. He has a brain, which I can settle for. I will barter for a smarter one at a different time, because right now he is in DIRE need of a heart.

Now you might be wondering, why not just post this ad on the "free" section with the other junk that has stopped working or smells of mold and cat dander? And I must admit, I considered posting him right there with the fill dirt and broken concrete. But he's like those ten year old jeans you have laying in your closet, the ones you can't give away because they looked so good on you and you just might squeeze into them again one day. I'm hoping a heart will make us fit again.

In return, you, me, and my disposable camera will get sloppy drunk and run around Seattle taking hilarious pictures that we will both forget about and remember for the rest of our lives. Think of it as a fun adult version of high school Senior pictures. We can drink at any bar you choose and take pictures anywhere you'd like, the more random the better. Imagine looking at those freshly developed pictures and wondering "How did I get on that lampost?" or "When did I go into Elliot Bay with those "sexy" twins (either male of female your choice)?"

I will be needing the heart, of course, before we go on our drunken rampage, because binge drinking can lead to heart problems and in all fairness, if you needed a battery, I would not give you a half used Duracel. I will be screening candidates, so please forward me your qualifications. Required information:

1) List at least three past experiences that showcase your kindness, passion, and love for another non-family related person.
2) Two references, including phone numbers, of people who have loved or are loved by you
3) Any possible health factors (smoking is not an issue since he is already a smoker)

Please feel free to give as much detail as you like. I am a professional drunk photographer and I have left many a 1 Hour Photo clerk speechless. I will be more than willing to show you my portfolio if you have any concerns.


Just fucking fuck me, already.
Date: 2008-02-03, 3:29PM PST


Dear Men of Craigslist,

Look, I know you men have it difficult. Women are just about impossible to understand, much less please. In a post-feminist society, you never know exactly what you should be doing. Women are bloody picky, I know we are. It can be scary, too, when women freak out about what appear to be benign issues. And men who do their best to be respectful, female-positive humans, I salute you, I do.

But please, please just fuck me already. Honestly, I appreciate your thoughtfulness. I like that you want to take things slow. I can totally get behind the idea of emotional connection, but dearjesusinheaven, FUCK ME. We've done dinner and drinks. We've gone dancing. We've cuddled and watched a movie. I'm wearing a low cut shirt and you've been staring at my breasts all night. Goodgodalmighty, get to it and fuck me.

When we get hot and heavy, please take charge. Please, please fuck me. Trust me, I'm not going to just lie still - I'll get involved. But don't make me force your hand into my panties. That makes me feel like a rapist. We've been kissing for a half hour and your hand keeps grazing my ass. That's nice, but it's time to move forward. Get on top of me. Don't make me get on top right out of the gate and start bobbing up and down on your cock like I'm practicing some crazy new aerobic yoga because YOU won't go down on me. Roll on top and start dry humping like a good boy should. Don't gently suck my nipples and then pull back when I moan with pleasure. You being coy is totally not what I want. It's not what WE want.

OK, I know it's scary. There are lots of women out there who make fucking really difficult. So, I have compiled some handy tips. Don't think of this as complaining, or as schadenfreude for the Andrea Dworkins of the world. Just some simple tips, for timid men who have forgotten what it means to fuck like men:

1. Taking charge is not bad. Oh, there will be some women who feel that you are pushy. If you are making out with a woman, and she starts to push back, ask nicely if things are moving too fast. If she says yes, say something like "I'm sorry - you just look so fucking delicious. I'll go slower." Otherwise, skillfully move forward. If you start kissing a woman, and she responds well, and before long, you're both on the floor with her skirt pushed up, and you on top of her, it's not the time to roll onto your back and start awkwardly stroking the top of her head. Seriously, grow a goddamn pair. YOU'RE the man. Act like one.

2. Ohmyfuckinggod, please learn to respect the clit. It's different for every woman, so ask what she likes. Do not, I repeat, do not just wiggle your fingers around her pussy like you're trying to tickle her. Do not drum your fingertips against her vulva like you are impatiently waiting at the Sears Tire Center for your receipt. Do not push the clit like it is a doorbell at some house that you need to get inside of. Start by using all four fingers with firm yet gentle pressure against the outside of her pussy. Do not charge in with a single finger and start jabbing at things. And if you really don't know what to do, ask her. Just ask. "How do you like it?". It's a simple question, and most women will answer straight out. If she's being all coy, ask "Do you like pressure? Is it sensitive?" The clitoris is a varied item, indeed. Treat each one as though you have never encountered one before. Forget everything that your last partner liked.

3. Most women like to be fucked, and fucked well. Yes, there are women out there who want to "make love" every time - sweet, gentle, rocking love with lots of eye contact and loving kisses. Those women are not the majority. The majority like to be pounded. The majority like to have their hair pulled. The majority like a good, solid jackhammering. When a woman is bucking wildly against you, it's not because she wants you to pull back and slowly swirl your cock around her vagina like you're mixing a cake batter up there. It's because she wants you to hold down her arms, or grab her hips, or push her legs above her head, and fuck her harder. Don't be too afraid of what this means as far as gender equality goes - I am a raging feminist bitch, but I still want to be penetrated like you are planning on fucking my throat from the inside out.

4. A little roughness is nice. Do not pretend that you had no idea that some women like their hair pulled. Do not act shocked if she wants you to spank her ("Really? Spanking? Won't it hurt?" - yes, it does. That's the fucking point). We know you've read Stuff and Maxim, and that's all those laddie mags talk about in their "How to Please Her" sections. Start with light, full handed smacks to the area of her ass that she sits on. Judge her response and continue on from there. You don't have to bend her over one knee and tell her she's a naughty girl and that Daddy's going to punish her; save that for the fifth date. Women are less delicate than you think, so don't worry about breaking her hip.

5. It's OK for you to make noise. Otherwise, we feel like we are fucking a ninja. Unless you actually are a ninja, and have sneaked into our rooms with vibrating nanuchaku and zippered black pajamas, please, please make some noise. If you're banging a woman, and she's crying out and saying your name and moaning, and you can't even manage a grunt, she's going to feel like an idiot. You don't have to make the sounds she is making, but do SOMETHING. You know how when you are watching porn, and the girl does something great to the guy and the guy kind of goes "Ah!", half grunt, half yell? That's HOT. Do that. Whisper our name (assuming you know it) gruffly. Groan against her neck when you're in missionary position. You don't have to grunt like a mountain gorilla, but if you are totally mute, she's going to get worried.

6. Most women like dirty talk, in addition to the grunting. If you'd like to get some dirty talk going, ask her if she likes the way you fuck her. If she responds well, continue with something like, "I love fucking you. God, you look so fucking hot." Is she still moaning in response? "Your tits are so beautiful." Does that work? If she doesn't respond well to the term "tits", you might have to stop there. If she keep moaning or responding, pass Go and collect $200. Try the following:

"Oh, god. Your pussy is SO tight."
"You're so wet - are you wet because you like the feel of my cock ramming you?"
"I think I'm going to come inside you. I'm going to fill up your little cunt." It doesn't matter that you're wearing a condom; we LOVE hearing this.

If all of those work, you can then progress to things like "sexy little bitch" and "dirty whore". Tread carefully, but please, tread. Do not tiptoe. Do not sit down. Charge.

6. You're not obligated to eat a woman out. In return, she's not obligated to choke on your dick. Don't skip one and expect the other. If you do eat a woman out, the only comment you should make about her pussy is how nice it is. The length of her labia minora, the color of her interior, her waxing job or full bush - you are not John Madden. No time for color commentary.

7. Do not bitch about condoms. Oh, we hate them. Trust us. They hurt us more than they hurt you. But we don't want to be preggers, and you don't want to catch anything, right? Don't whine about condom sex. Do not explain that you can't come with one on. LEARN to come with one on, or if not, help us figure out what to do with you once we're satisfied and it's time for you to let loose your load.

8. We really like it when you come. It's called a money shot for a reason. Watching semen shoot out of you is one of the most gratifying things EVER. However, do not assume that she wants you to jack it off onto her face. She might, but don't assume. Seeing and/or feeling you come is rewarding for us, so there's no need to deprive us of it, but please do consult us before unleashing. "I think I'm going to come - how do you like it?" is a fair question that shouldn't rob you of your testicles.

In recent memory, I've been fucked by a very aggressive, manly guy, and I've been... well, fucked is the wrong term here. I've been penetrated by a total and utter wuss. Who am I going to run back to when I'm ready for my fill? Manly McHardon, that's who. ----------------------------------------------------

*New point of clarification - some people have brought up some really great issues in response to this post, so let me say this: I don't mean to imply that all women like to be treated like whores. I do mean to say that most women I know have told me that they like sex rougher than most men give it to them. Rough does NOT equal chains and bondage. And this applies to the bedroom only, and does not mean that she wants you to choose her dinner for her, or treat her like less of a person. **Some women have said that they don't like it rough and what the hell am I thinking? Well, girls, you're in the minority. HOWEVER, all women need to remember that, in addition to be straight forward about your sexual desires, you need to be straight forward about your sexual limits. Don't be afraid to ask for more, but when something feels wrong, say so. Don't ever do something you don't want to do in silence and then blame the guy. Silence is dangerous.


15 Reasons Why I Would Rather Have a Boyfriend than a Border Collie
Date: 2005-04-11, 1:11AM PDT


Boyfriend usually more financially responsible than border collie

Won’t have to follow boyfriend around city with plastic bags picking up his poop from the sidewalk (unless it’s some kind of special situation, I guess)

When we go on long steep climbs near the Mountain Loop Highway, I won’t have to worry about boyfriend seeing a bird and accidentally hurtling self over a cliff to the rocks below

Boyfriend won’t slobber on pant leg (at least not in public)

Won’t have to watch the Animal Channel all the time and can keep the television off and get some writing done

Won’t have to fight constantly about border collie’s drinking problem

When taking long beach walks on Oregon Coast, boyfriend won’t suddenly sprint off and joyfully roll his body on top of dead sea mammal or ailing seagull

Border collies can’t send nice email or phone messages when you’re having a bad day at work. A text message from a border collie can be frightening.

Boyfriend won’t eat slugs and puke them up on my down comforter and bare shoulder in the morning

Boyfriend won’t accidentally trip me when jogging alongside me near busy street

Boyfriend practices good dental hygiene, border collie brushes teeth with sticks

A border collie can’t go to movies and doesn’t appreciate independent film, but boyfriend might

Won’t have to discuss Nietzsche all the time with boyfriend.

Boyfriend won’t knock glasses off my face when I hug him

Boyfriend not afraid of fireworks and other loud noises, which is important because the Fourth of July is coming up.

Boyfriend does not require licensing through the City of Seattle.

I See The Snow

I see the moon
The mountains, curves and long flat plains
Refracting, rebounding and reflecting the light
Giving it a most beautiful glow
When it lands on this surface most are asleep
But I can see
I see the sun
The flares, glint and shine
Giving, growing and Generating light
Showing where the world started
When the gift lands on this world most are awake
But I can see
I see the boy
Back in 1940
Whirling, whizzing and whooping with joy
With thoughts of snowball fights and the first white Christmas of his life
As shiny bits of bubble gum wrappers fall from the sky
                        ~Patrick Commins~

Escapism from little kids.

When'​​s the next time you will see the perso​n who absol​utely​ takes​ your breath away?​​
Tomorrow!


Think​ back to March​,​​ how was your love life then?​​
In march? Non-existent

What are you liste​ning to?
A pair of twin crying for food, a two year old asking me if he can put a glass of water in the microwave because he wants it hot and a seven year old talking about how she is going to make her taco for dinner. OH! You mean music? Brandie Carlyle's "Silver Cloud".


Do you have a bad tempe​r?​​
no not really.


Do you like anyon​e?​​
Damn straight.

when is the next time you will kiss someone?
Tomorrow! Maybe tonight if my niece or sister wants a kiss goodnight.


Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?
Yeah but most people say how weird they look.


Do you like to go on walks?
I love wandering around.


Hows your heart?
Its skips beats a lot recently. Both metaphorically and physically.



Do you hate the last perso​n you kisse​d?​​​
Excuse me? I think your logic needs a tune up.


Last night​ you felt:​​​
Yesterday? Pretty good. A little worried and annoyed before I went to sleep.


Has anyone told you they love you today?
Yes. I hear it everyday.

what did you have for dinner?
Creole Tacos!


How often​ do you hold back from sayin​g what you are think​ing?​​​
Again, your logic is flawed and needs to be beat with a sledge hammer.

What are you going to do after this?
Watch a movie, write some more and hopefully go off to the apartment rather than take care of kids again.

The Greatest Work

No giants shoulders to stand on
No "for a better world"
No riches from a New World
Fights will be had
Embraces will be shared
Tears will be shed
Smiles will shine
Hearts ma be broken
Souls will soar
And so much more
we will grow
we will glitter like gold
We will soar
No giants shoulders
For none alive has truly attained
No "for a better world"
For nothing happens to the world
No riches from a New World
For there is nothing material within
This is truly Bohemian
This work
And is only accomplished by the greatest
You
And I
                     ~Patrick Commins~

I don't know what to think of this.....Go to google and search for manbeef.com

No its not a porn.

This has been on my mind too long to not write about. This is going to be REALLY angsty. Like kill yourself angsty, I apologize.

FUCK YOU ANTHONY LESLIE LOJA!

Atlas

As innocence suggests
My perceptions might have been twisted
But where did you go wrong
You stood taller than everyone
Blue glasses and red fedora
Held high above the crowd
Your smile and laughter
Brought hope to those who could hear
People didn't follow you
They put worlds upon your shoulders
Making you all the boulder
Your wizened riddles taught me my trades
Now they seem like useless spades
People said you had the touch
I would do anything to give you the push
My mentor
My friend
My brother
Now with your almost 400 pounds of depressive fat
Your sweats and oily looks
I've turned to books
No more is that gallant weight under my spirit
That hearty laughter ringin' in my ears
Those riddles grinding my gears
Just 400 pounds, sweats and beers
You used to be sweet strong and stylish
Like a bold freight
Now,
As you walk down the latter you built for yourself
That I followed you up
The worlds fall and roll like marbles
And I'm left building alone
No more is there a team
My question is not where
But why
WHY DID YOU HAVE GO WRONG!?!?
                         ~Patrick Commins~

Thought this was interesting. Found it in [The Penguin Who Could Fly]'s diary. It was a religion matching quiz. Interesting results if you know me.

1. Unitarian Universalism (100%)
2. Liberal Quakers (86%)
3. Neo-Pagan (84%)
4. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (82%)
5. Secular Humanism (82%)
6. New Age (76%)
7. Scientology (72%)
8. New Thought (71%)
9. Reform Judaism (70%)
10. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (59%)
11. Mahayana Buddhism (57%)
12. Taoism (55%)
13. Nontheist (50%)
14. Theravada Buddhism (48%)
15. Orthodox Quaker (46%)
16. Sikhism (46%)
17. Baha'i Faith (43%)
18. Hinduism (39%)
19. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (36%)
20. Orthodox Judaism (30%)
21. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (27%)
22. Eastern Orthodox (24%)
23. Islam (24%)
24. Jainism (24%)
25. Roman Catholic (24%)
26. Seventh Day Adventist (23%)
27. Jehovah's Witness (9%)

Something to d while Corey plays WoW.....

001: Lied: Yes
002: Run away: I'm a Gyspy
003: Broken a bone: Yes, my forearm/wrist
004: Failed a class: OHHHH YEAH!
005: Dyed your hair: Yep: Midnight Purple, and Black with Red Streaks
006: Gotten in a car accident: Yes
007. Been out of the country: Yes
008. Met a famous person: My father
009. Driven illegally: No
010. Thrown a temper tantrum: Yes, who hasn't, its called being 2
011. Been suspended: Yes
012. Been expelled: No
013. Given the finger: Nope I have all ten
014. Been in jail: No
015. Overcharged your credit card: No
016. Made out with someone?: Yes
017. Set a body part on fire, for the fun of it?: No, I have common sense
018. Planned your life around the internet?: Planned? No
019. Gone in public wearing underwear?: I don't leave the house without it
020. Swallowed a penny?: No
021. Seen a ghost?: Whats a ghost?
022. Ate dirt?: No
023 Sucked a bug up your nose?: No
024: Got caught stealing?: Yep, cost me $246
025: Been toilet papering?: Totally!
026: Mooned someone?: No
027:. Been so drunk you passed out?: Yeah
028: Gone out in your pajamas?: No, towel yes.
029: Missed school because it was raining?: No, I live in Seattle, thats not an excuse!
030. Kept a secret from someone?: Yes
031. Wanted to hook up with a friend?: Not the greatest idea I've had
032. Sprained/broken/fractured a bone or gotten stitches?: Look up Question 3
032: Almost died: No
033:. Given anyone a bath: Yes
034:. Bungee jumped: No
035:. Broken the law: Yes! FUCK the Police!
036:. Made yourself throw-up: No
037:. Gone skinny-dipping?: No
038:. Made yourself cry to get out of trouble: No
039:. How many messenger buddies do you have?: None, I don't use messengers
040:. Do your friends think your dumb?: Damn Straight
041:. Do you have a crush?: More so
042:. Do they know?: Yeah if not the would take some explanation
043: Name one thing that you would give up for them: ?
044: Do you believe in love: Yes, more so than anyone believes
045:. Do you believe in love at first sight: I believe in LUST at first sight, love takes time and work.
046: Are you too shy to ask someone out: No
047: Who do you want to spend the rest of your life with?: Myself and the person/people I care about most.
048: Have you ever actually truly honestly been in love before: Every human being has
049. Do you regret loving them?: No learned a lot

Alright time for another entertaining Craigslist posting. Yes this is real. This one was advertised in the Sanfransico Bay area.

bag of butt plugs and/or mannequins parts

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2008-09-17, 6:09PM PDT



~~~~Mannequins have been picked up all we have now is the bag of butt plugs~~~~


Yeah that's right you hear me right, a bag of butt plugs and/or mannequins parts, the mannequins from a store have been disassembled and are laying all over the place, can you come and grab these ladies? We are tired of them all laying around doing nothing when we are all busting are asses all day.

. . . and the bag of butt plugs, yes there is a bag, it's a large safeway or something brown paper bag, and it is filled to the brim with silicone(?) butt plugs, I would not actually recommend using them for their intended purpose as they have been sitting there for I don't know how long. They haven't been used and they are still in their plastic bags. They are an assortment of sizes and colors so if you are trying to do some crazy art piece or stick them to a friends car, or make a Halloween costume I would say get your ass down here and get these butt plugs off our hands! I mean c'mon a free bag O' butt plugs!!!

Maybe you could combine the mannequins and butt plugs to give to a friend for their birthday, anyways just come get them, we don't want our trash men to think we are freaks.

Store Hours noon-7 come by anytime tonight or tomorrow.

Have a beautiful day!

My question. What in the hell kind of store is this? And What in the hell is going on with their patrons!?

I have to add to this! Here is another one from the Detroit Metro area.

Tina, The Telemarketer Who Called Me Last Night - m4w

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2008-09-17, 1:52PM EDT



Dear Tina,

When you called me so unexpectedly at 6:00 last night, I was expecting a call from my sister and brother-in-law . I tried to explain to you that there were steaks on the grill and I had guests coming for dinner, so I really wasn't in a position to talk to you about a time-share in Vegas. You persisted. I am not the rude type, so I continued to indulge you rather than hanging up the telephone in your ear. I figure that probably happens quite often and you were only doing your job. However, I think we had a real misunderstanding and I'd like to set the record straight here.

When I asked you what you were wearing you became very defensive. I am in sales myself and I am required to wear a suit and tie to work every, single day. I simply wanted to make sure you were prepared to make a good first impression.

When I asked you what type of panties you were wearing it was because I wanted to make sure I was dealing with a "normal" person and not a pervert.

Asking you if you were masturbating when you spoke with customers was my way of checking your professionalism.

When you started making claims of sexual harassment, I was flabbergasted. There was really no need to call me names. I was also appalled that you had the audacity to hang up on me! Need I remind you that YOU called me? The least you could have done is to have been grateful that I took the time to speak to you in spite of the fact my steaks were burning.

As for the Vegas time-shares, I am very interested. How about you come over to my place, bring a couple of steaks to grill (as you kind of owe me a few steaks anyway), and we can talk more

Last but not least. This one is from the Houston area.

Light house cleaning needed

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2008-09-23, 4:28PM CDT



Need some light house cleaning. I'm pretty busy and not able to clean my apartment so I need someone to do some light work once a week or so. Here are some pictures to give a general idea.






I have one thing to say of this apartment. If ANYONE on ET takes care of there living space like this. Get away fom me!

If you want to keep up with the Devil Ducks and the sketch comedy we are making look here.

[http://www.youtube.com/user/TheDevilDucks]

Two funny bits I found on "The Best of Craigslist" Section on Craigslist.com. These are actual posts on craigslist.com.

I work at Tullys, you work at Starbucks, it could never work

We're from two different worlds, you and I. I work at Tullys, you work at Starbucks. It could never work out. Our lives are just too different. You guys make 'frappacinos', we make 'spins'. Your coffee is dark italian roast, while ours is a medium dark city roast. You guys have the whole green thing going. We're apples and oranges babe, oil and water. But, I admit, when I see you pulling shots from your La Marzocco, I think for a moment, maybe, just maybe, it could work. Then I realize I'm a fool. What brand of double tall non-fat hazelnut latte extra hot no foam would our children drink? No, it's better that we stay within our seperate worlds. I'll date nice Tullys girls, you'll find a great Starbucks guy, we'll both be happier this way. Let's save ourselves the heartache.


Dear Mom, Things You Never Knew

mom, i told myself that when i was old enough to not be afraid of your reaction, i'd tell you all the shitty things i did as a child and teenager (even if thy are inconsequential now). i always felt really bad about lying about certain things and i want to come clean. so here's ten things you never would have found out, and probably would never want to know.

1. when i was three and i got tired of waiting for you to be ready to go to the circus. i put the car in neutral and rolled down the driveway through the garage door. for the longest time, i swore that i was traumatized by the event, even going so far as refusing to be left in a car alone until i was 12. in all honesty, it was the most exciting ride of my life and my first clear memory. and you know my affinity for birch beer comes from that day... when you went over to the neighbor's house with me because they saw me crash into the garage. they gave me birch beer and i've loved it ever since.

2. i was pretty young and had just learned about calling and harassing the operator. i called maybe 10 times in a row, whispered "fuck you" and hung up. when they finally got fed up and called back, saying a young girl had been calling and saying bad things, i convinced you it was your son and you grounded him for a week. it was me.

3. i think i was about 10 or so and i found $54 dollars on the floor in the closet. i thought it had probably been there for a while so i picked it up and stuffed it in my pocket without saying a word. later that evening when you asked me if i'd seen money on the floor anywhere, i was lying when i said no. that money kept me in candy for weeks. yummmmm.

4. for several years in high school my friends and i would skip school and come to our house. you always took lunch at the same time, so we would go out to the back yard and hang out in the room under the garage and bake for an hour. i cannot tell you how many times we did this. sometimes the dog would be out on the run and be trying so hard, yapping away to let you know we were in there, but you never picked up on it.

5. you know that guy i dated that you begged me repeatedly never to see again? well one night when you slept at your boyfriends, he stayed the night. my brother swore not to tell you and then told nana. i convinced both you and nana that he was lying, when in fact, i was lying. being the golden child sure had its advantages.

6. you know that time i called and left a message saying that a friend of mine needed me and i had to spend the night at her place so i wouldn't be home? well, that morning i buried my school books in the back of my closet and packed some clothes. i went to the train station and caught an amtrak to boston to meet a guy i had met on the internet. in reality, i stayed at a cheap hotel with a guy who very well may have meant to do me harm. thankfully, i turned out OK. man, i should have been an actress i played that one so well. you even wrote me an absence note for school.

7. you know that guy that i said i met in the mall while he was visiting nyc with some of his navy buddies and he stayed at our house for two nights? i didn't meet him in the mall, i met him online. he was a really nice guy though, unlike the creep visiting boston.

8. remember when i was 17 and flew to seattle to meet all those people off the internet that i said were just friends? they weren't. we had a big, week-long orgy and it was great! just kidding. most of them were (and still are) pretty good friends. except for the guy i stayed with for the week, i thought i was in love with him but i really just wanted a fantasy to believe in. good thing i figured that out BEFORE i ran away.

9. and california... oh my god. you have no clue. you're first big "mommy" act ever was to give me a copy of your platinum card when i went out there for a year of school. this was to be used for food, electricity, books, rent, and transportation. food = going to the close-out grocery store and buying ridiculous amounts of alcohol and cigarettes. i lived off cheap frozen pizzas, hot pockets, and taquitos in order to keep costs down and avoid suspicion. and you bought a lot of books. for classes i didn't take. you know the old gas card scam? used sparingly it works wonders at the college bookstore. i feel really, really shitty about this because for all practical purposes i was definitely old enough to know better, even if i was pretty desperate for cash.

10. you were so dead set against me moving out after i got a job. i lied to you about how much my rent was so that i wouldn't have to listen to you bitch about how much money i could save if i stayed home.

Mom, you're awesome. I know we've had our differences (huge at times) but really, your the only mom I've got and you did your best raising two kids on your own. I didn't always make that easy for you, and lacked the insight to see how hard you tried every day to do the best you could for us, while still living your own life. I love you. And if I had it to do all over again, I wouldn't change a damn thing. OK except maybe the book scam... that's just so fucking low.

I'm bored in Business Tech...therefore I do quizes....

Recipie for me=
3 parts Delight
2 parts Warmth
1 part Intellect

Splash of Prosperity

Finish off with an olive
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am 20% Shy

You aren't shy at all, in fact, you're quite outgoing.
You are comfortable in almost any social situation, no matter how awkward or difficult it may be.
You can make conversation easily, and you know how to focus on other people.
If anything, you're the type of person who can put someone shy at ease.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am a Natural Flirt

Believe it or not, you're a really effective flirt.
And you're so good, you hardly notice that you're flirting.
Your attitude and confidence make you a natural flirt.
And the fact that you don't know it is just that more attractive!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Apperently I Make a Great First Impression

You can handle almost any social situation with grace, even the tricky ones.
Strangers often find you charming and interesting. You are often remembered fondly.
Even if you're not naturally outgoing, you can make conversation with anyone if you need to.

Whether you were born this way or had to work to get here, you are definitely charismatic.
You're popular and well liked. People definitely look forward to being around you.
Your social connections bring you a full and rich life. You understand how important it is to make a lasting impression.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And Lastly I'm an Athiest

God? No thanks. You're not buying into any religion.
They're all bunk to you. You rather focus on what you know is true.
You may be a passive non-believer or a rabid atheist activist.
But one thing is for sure... no one's going to make you go to church!
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Well there you go the boredom of my mind in the middle of Tech and nothing to do but use a computer....I hate these little quiz things, they are inaccruate, based off of a chaos generater I think, and five to ten questions can't sum up even the most basic human ideal, function, or belief

I seem to be posting quite a bit tonight. Eh. These are some songs my father and I are working on do to us wanting to play together. Some are songs he wrote back in the day and I am helping him work them out while others are ones we are co-writting. They are all Irish tunes with a bit of rock, jazz/blues, and with my influences of regge, punk, funk, and poetic rhyme. Also a whole lot of Blarney! Also want to get my song writting back up and going again so tell me what you think.

It's The Devil In Me (Imagine a carnival-like droning from the accordian and no other instruments with this song)

O help me I think I'm falling
In_to_Hell_again
My head is still a burnin' and I'm goin'
Round and round again                (Chorus)
O help me I think I just fell in_to_Hell_again
Now I know for sure thats its the devil in a me

(Chorus)

Well I had this offal dream
I couldn't even scream
I was too drunk to walk
I couldn't even talk
I could see stars that night
Must have been in a fight
If I could only see
It's the devil in me

I heard this knock at the door
Couldn't get up off the floor
There must be someone there
But sure I really don't care
Maybe they will go away
I'll start a brand new day
Thats what we all have said
It's the devil in me

(Chorus)

I'm going up and then comin' back down again
Moving round and round
Can't you see that I've found
Another sound and town
I feel really fine, twice more around
And I'm homeward bound

I still have those massive scars
From drinking in sleezy bars
I can still see those offal stars
The night I went to planet Mars
while driving some fancy cars
We thought were really ours
Know I now for sure it's
The devil in me

***This song is both a description of the life of an alchohalic musician as well as what life is like as a musician in general. Also it is my da's trophy for defeating his alchohalism. This is a final master peice and I don't care what people think Da and I did a fucking amazing job.
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I'm Running Away (This is more of a fast paced fun song. Imagine a little kids nursery beat with a little guitar stumming)

I'm running away and never comming back again
I don't care if you never try to find me a      (Chorus)
I'm running away and never comming back again
I don't care if you never come and look for me!

(Music starts playing)

Intruduction: (Using a little kids voice)
  I don't like my school and everbody hates me. There's big fat Freddy and Little Jimmy. Homework to do every night and I get big F's from my teacher. I can't take it anymore! I think I'm gonna run away and never go to school!

(Chorus)

I have found a nice wee place and it's so warm and cheerful here
There's animals and clowns and thrills and people people riding elephants
Sure you can't see me I'm so happy playing away in this big tent
I sell my popcorn to the crowd and I'm never comming home!

(Chorus)

I am living in a bus with lots of little monkey friends
There's me and Gus and Franky's tusks and Babba chasing both of us
We do our tricks and fetch some sticks its so great I just can't wait
To do it all again and I'm never comming home!

(Chorus)

Here I am in a diffrent town with crowds of people running around
Our costume room has flying baloons were all such fools
There is no school I only wish that you could save me
Running away just doesn't pay I never want to roam again
I really don't want to stay

(Hold)"O Mammy I want to come home!"

***This was written one day while Da and I were thinking and talking about the sense of home and no matter how badly you want to leave, or how far you go. You will always want to come home. I thought explaining this from a little boys perspective would make it a good fun song let alone make the point well because everyone at one point or another when they were little wanted to run away.
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Puttin' On The Squeeeeeze (A party song with strong accordian background and a good didly guitar) Anytime it says 'me' you can change it out for 'it' or 'her' anytime, except in the chorus.

Come on and SQUEEEEZZE me
She say to me again and again and again
Please hold me nice and tight
I need to feel those fingers
Up and down from left to right
Come on now and SQUEEEEZZE me         (Chorus)
She says until the morning light
Please hold me nice and tight
Were gonna keep playing this thing all night
Until we get it right!

(1)
You can sqeeze me in the ally
""  ""  ""  "" "" "" park
""  ""  ""  "" "" "" morning time
Or squeeze me after dark
You can take her to the beach
In her fancy leather case
Can damn near squeeze her keys
In any party place

(2)
Some nights she's very heavy
And some nights she's rather light
Some nights I can't even find the thing
She's the story of my life!
But when we're together now
On goes the lights
I push and pull
And scream and shout
Then everythings alright

(Chorus)

So welcome to Heaven here's your harp
And a nice guitar for you
But welcome to Hell
Fight your accordian
It will make you turn black and blue
It grabs you around the throat
Then it beats your back too
It feels so good when you git it on
It wants to be next to you

(4)
It pinches me in the legs
And it has ruined all my good clothes
It disturbs the neighbors
And the cat and wakes the dead lord knows
I have this fear that it will go in and never come out again
It makes me laugh and it makes me cry
It's my ACCORDIAN!!!!!!

(5)
There's buttons here and buttons there
Buttons everywhere
What are they for I wonder
But nobody knows for sure
For me I honestly believe
That himself the Devil put them there
Just to confuse the hell out of me
It enought to make you swear!

1 again + Chorus that fades

***This is my first try at writting a song in a long time. Its to honor my fathers accordian that he has had since he was sixteen. Based off of all the stories he has told me about the crazy times they have had together I tried to write about what it is to play one, loving so much it makes your heart explode when you play it right to when you want to crush the damned thing.