My Date stood me up last night. I was supposed to get drunk off my ass and have sex with a guy who wasn't Eric. See, Eric told me that it's over. So I gave him back everything that he gave me and more. Everything I had ever written about him, my poetry and songs I had written because of him. My drawings. Everything. And he gave me back everything I gave him. My drawings, the scarf I made him, my poetry, my songs, the massage lotion and oil I gave him for Christmas. Everything. And then he sent me the most god aweful email and then he had the nerve to come to me looking for sympathy. He came over to me and I stood there and this girl who was waiting for her ride out in the entry way came in and started talking to him. He acted all happy and stuff, but you could tell it was just pretend. Then he walked over to me after she left and he started sniffing and his voice was trembling, but I refused to look at him. He told me McCarrey yelled at him. "McCarrey yelled at me. She yelled at me. She's never yelled at me before." I looked at him and saw that his eyes were puffy-like he had been crying. "Are you crying?" "No but I was" "Why?" he told me it was because McCarrey saw him reading the book of Mormon, she knew about what we'd done under the bleachers, and she yelled at him for making me feel like I did. It tore my heart in two because as he was telling me this, he was crying. It hurt me so much. I hugged him and held his hand. "We keep going through these cycles Katie. It's like you expect me to be your hero and fix everything. You complain to me about your family, I complain to you about that, then we do that, and then I call you a psycho and you call me an asshole." I grabbed his hand and squeezed it, "Eric, we can't keep doing this." He pulled his hand away from me. "Don't Katie, I feel uncomfortable around you." I stepped away from him and looked down. "I can't be there for you anymore-" Devon came over and started begging us for change. Eric started to walk away so I reached out and grabbed his hand, which he quickly pulled away. He looked at me. Straight in the eyes. And he said, "Don't waste your time on an asshole like me." We just stood there staring at each other. I looked down and I cried. I haven't stopped crying.

Okay so Eric and I had a "conversation" last night but we were interrupted and I was blackmailed by my sister! Stupid bloody cow! Anyhoo, I sent him an email and I said, "What would you to do me if I was there and you found me nude in your bed?" and he replied, "one: why would u be? And two: what the fuck do u think, i'd tie u up and use u for sex whenever i felt like it, i'd fuck u 20 times a day"

I asked Brandon to marry me. He said no. I cried, Eric cared for me. Told me to try to get a grip on myself and to go get my stuff and go home. He also said he'd give me a backrub tomorrow to try to make me feel better. But THAT's IT! I believe him when he says That's it. Because I agree. I mean a kiss wouldn't hurt, but from what's happened in the past I see where he's coming from, escpecially since we're trying to quit doing that.

I HAD SEX YESTERDAY! Damn was it good! We started out with an argument. He said something really bad to me, I cried, he said he was sorry for being an asshole, he held me while I calmed down and apologized over and over again. He said it was okay, then when we were walking over to our friend Shamera, teehee, she said, "Aww a romantic moment with an anoying beeping sound in the background!" lol... I love her. Anyways, so when she left we walked down to the scenery shop and back and he slapped my ass. Then he looked around the corner and I put my cd down with my stuff and then I followed him and he went backstage for some reason and I for some reason followed him. Then he opened the door to the boys dressing room and asked me if I wanted to come in with him. I'll write the rest later tonight, right now I wanna go pass the fuck out.