My grandpa died tonight at about 6pm Pacific time. :'( I'm flying down to Corona thursday. My dad has been suspended from work and they won't tell him why, only that a complaint was filed against him and they won't even tell him what it is, when it took place, where it took place, or who filed it, so my dad figures it has to do with something sexual.

I went over to my friend David Doig's friend's house and David, Kyle, and his friend were all smoking a bong while I was there so I called Eric scared shitless cause I don't feel so good and I'm getting kinda wobbly and starting to feel kinda sick and have a headache and they're talking about me doing shit to them, so I called Eric and he's like, "Get outta there. Tell em you feel uncomfortable and just leave, run if you have to." so I went back inside and they were all like, "Hey we're thinking about heading out so..." I was just like, "That's cool." So I got up and left and as soon as my feet hit the pavement I sprinted to my friend Ashley Bethea's house and I got there gasping for air and Ashley had me come upstairs to her room where I called Eric and we started talking and then he was like, "Well I gotta go practice my lines because McCarrey gave me Nathan's part since he never shows up to practice" and I was like, "You never wanna talk anymore!" and he was like, "Well not to you." and I was like, "Well I went over there today because I was lying on the couch watching movies all day." and he was like, "What the fuck? It was a beautiful day today, why didn't you go take a walk or something?" and I said, "Because I was depressed." and he said, "Yeah and sitting in a dark corner all day isn't gonna make you feel any better." and I said, "You last night, every slow song, Every Slow Song, was requested by me." and he said, "Why'd you do that?" and I said, "I came to the dance with a whole list of songs and handed it to the DJ" and he was like, "Why?" and I said, "You honestly don't know?" and he said, "Yeah I know I just don't want to. Why do you try to make things better? I don't want things to be better, I like not having any communication with you at all! Cause everytime I talk to you, it starts out good but I know something's gonna happen and I'm gonna end up pissed at you or you're gonna end up pissed at me". So I hung up the phone. I was shaking all over and I just wanted to lay down and die. Everything he said hurt. He had just protected me and gotten me out of there and now he's telling me he basically hates me. It's not fair. How can he be mad at me when he's the one who told me to break the promise I made him? How can he be so pissed off at me when he's the one who told me to break it?

My Date stood me up last night. I was supposed to get drunk off my ass and have sex with a guy who wasn't Eric. See, Eric told me that it's over. So I gave him back everything that he gave me and more. Everything I had ever written about him, my poetry and songs I had written because of him. My drawings. Everything. And he gave me back everything I gave him. My drawings, the scarf I made him, my poetry, my songs, the massage lotion and oil I gave him for Christmas. Everything. And then he sent me the most god aweful email and then he had the nerve to come to me looking for sympathy. He came over to me and I stood there and this girl who was waiting for her ride out in the entry way came in and started talking to him. He acted all happy and stuff, but you could tell it was just pretend. Then he walked over to me after she left and he started sniffing and his voice was trembling, but I refused to look at him. He told me McCarrey yelled at him. "McCarrey yelled at me. She yelled at me. She's never yelled at me before." I looked at him and saw that his eyes were puffy-like he had been crying. "Are you crying?" "No but I was" "Why?" he told me it was because McCarrey saw him reading the book of Mormon, she knew about what we'd done under the bleachers, and she yelled at him for making me feel like I did. It tore my heart in two because as he was telling me this, he was crying. It hurt me so much. I hugged him and held his hand. "We keep going through these cycles Katie. It's like you expect me to be your hero and fix everything. You complain to me about your family, I complain to you about that, then we do that, and then I call you a psycho and you call me an asshole." I grabbed his hand and squeezed it, "Eric, we can't keep doing this." He pulled his hand away from me. "Don't Katie, I feel uncomfortable around you." I stepped away from him and looked down. "I can't be there for you anymore-" Devon came over and started begging us for change. Eric started to walk away so I reached out and grabbed his hand, which he quickly pulled away. He looked at me. Straight in the eyes. And he said, "Don't waste your time on an asshole like me." We just stood there staring at each other. I looked down and I cried. I haven't stopped crying.

Okay so Eric and I had a "conversation" last night but we were interrupted and I was blackmailed by my sister! Stupid bloody cow! Anyhoo, I sent him an email and I said, "What would you to do me if I was there and you found me nude in your bed?" and he replied, "one: why would u be? And two: what the fuck do u think, i'd tie u up and use u for sex whenever i felt like it, i'd fuck u 20 times a day"

I asked Brandon to marry me. He said no. I cried, Eric cared for me. Told me to try to get a grip on myself and to go get my stuff and go home. He also said he'd give me a backrub tomorrow to try to make me feel better. But THAT's IT! I believe him when he says That's it. Because I agree. I mean a kiss wouldn't hurt, but from what's happened in the past I see where he's coming from, escpecially since we're trying to quit doing that.

I HAD SEX YESTERDAY! Damn was it good! We started out with an argument. He said something really bad to me, I cried, he said he was sorry for being an asshole, he held me while I calmed down and apologized over and over again. He said it was okay, then when we were walking over to our friend Shamera, teehee, she said, "Aww a romantic moment with an anoying beeping sound in the background!" lol... I love her. Anyways, so when she left we walked down to the scenery shop and back and he slapped my ass. Then he looked around the corner and I put my cd down with my stuff and then I followed him and he went backstage for some reason and I for some reason followed him. Then he opened the door to the boys dressing room and asked me if I wanted to come in with him. I'll write the rest later tonight, right now I wanna go pass the fuck out.

i completely understood him and just flirted with him in public instead and he was cool with that, he used to hold my hand in public and he actuaally kissed me once in public which was a big deal for me because he and I had something, but we never acted on it because he was with my friend Shamera, so we just flirted and occasionally held hands but when no one was looking, we never kissed or anything so near the end of his relationship with her, she told him she had been raped by a convicted rapist and that she was pregnant and that she had an abortion and that the child could have been his, and when she told him that I called Eric up you know wondering where he was because he and I had plans to meet up at the Dimond mall to go on a "date" but that was the same day Shamera had her abortion and she showed up at the mall so Eric was forced to hang out with her and he didn't want to because he wanted to hang out with me because this whole thing with Shamera was making him absolutely miserable so I told them I was going down to bosco's I would be right back so we could all go to the movie, I come back and she had everyone go to the movie and ditched me because while we were hanging out in parachutes, I had my head on Eric's shoulder and was pretty close to him and he had to pay attention to her the whole time so it made me pretty miserable and she saw it, she saw that Eric and I had something so They ditched me and Eric was really pissed off so I left the mall. I was done I was spending the night at Lindsay's and I didn't want to have anything to do with them the rest of the weekend so I get home and about 10:30 I called up Eric and we started talking and I could tell something was bothering him and I said, "He is something wrong?" and he's all like, "Yeah, but I cna't tell you." and I was like, "Eric, you know you can tell me, I am your friend and you know that I'm here for you as a shoulder to cry on and if you need me." so he told me what happened. And what happened was that he and this guy Ryan or something, i dunno I lose track of Accey's boyfriends, took Ashley and Shamera home and then they started going back down Dearmon and Eric gets a call from Accey and she's saying, "Hey Eric you better get back her something's wrong with sham." So he and Ryan race back up the hill Eric runs up the stairs to her bedroom and Sham's on the floor in a ball crying and he gets down there with her asking her what's wrong and she said, "The baby could have been yours." Ryan took Eric home and that's when I called Eric. He was started crying, I had never heard him cry ever before and I never want to hear him cry ever again. He was in tears. I felt so bad for the guy then a week later he and I started holding hands and he and I really wanted to kiss each other and we were about to the day before Eric went out to Skwentna for Thanksgiving when Brandt came out with Rose and Brandt was his ride. I was crushed and he was crushed. He went off to Skwentna but while he was there we talked for hours every day every day he was gone we would talk for hours. so much that my mom was really pissed off about how much time I was spending on the computer and Eric left like Wednesday before Thanksgiving

i completely understood him and just flirted with him in public instead and he was cool with that, he used to hold my hand in public and he actuaally kissed me once in public which was a big deal for me because he and I had something, but we never acted on it because he was with my friend Shamera, so we just flirted and occasionally held hands but when no one was looking, we never kissed or anything so near the end of his relationship with her, she told him she had been raped by a convicted rapist and that she was pregnant and that she had an abortion and that the child could have been his, and when she told him that I called Eric up you know wondering where he was because he and I had plans to meet up at the Dimond mall to go on a "date" but that was the same day Shamera had her abortion and she showed up at the mall so Eric was forced to hang out with her and he didn't want to because he wanted to hang out with me because this whole thing with Shamera was making him absolutely miserable so I told them I was going down to bosco's I would be right back so we could all go to the movie, I come back and she had everyone go to the movie and ditched me because while we were hanging out in parachutes, I had my head on Eric's shoulder and was pretty close to him and he had to pay attention to her the whole time so it made me pretty miserable and she saw it, she saw that Eric and I had something so They ditched me and Eric was really pissed off so I left the mall. I was done I was spending the night at Lindsay's and I didn't want to have anything to do with them the rest of the weekend so I get home and about 10:30 I called up Eric and we started talking and I could tell something was bothering him and I said, "He is something wrong?" and he's all like, "Yeah, but I cna't tell you." and I was like, "Eric, you know you can tell me, I am your friend and you know that I'm here for you as a shoulder to cry on and if you need me." so he told me what happened. And what happened was that he and this guy Ryan or something, i dunno I lose track of Accey's boyfriends, took Ashley and Shamera home and then they started going back down Dearmon and Eric gets a call from Accey and she's saying, "Hey Eric you better get back her something's wrong with sham." So he and Ryan race back up the hill Eric runs up the stairs to her bedroom and Sham's on the floor in a ball crying and he gets down there with her asking her what's wrong and she said, "The baby could have been yours." Ryan took Eric home and that's when I called Eric. He was started crying, I had never heard him cry ever before and I never want to hear him cry ever again. He was in tears. I felt so bad for the guy then a week later he and I started holding hands and he and I really wanted to kiss each other and we were about to the day before Eric went out to Skwentna for Thanksgiving when Brandt came out with Rose and Brandt was his ride. I was crushed and he was crushed. He went off to Skwentna but while he was there we talked for hours every day every day he was gone we would talk for hours. so much that my mom was really pissed off about how much time I was spending on the computer and Eric left like Wednesday before Thanksgiving