Origionally written June 6, 2003, 11:48pm
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Random thoughts. I wonder why so often closets and the act of hiding things are linked? Closets are places you store things you need. You open them and go throught them every day. Boxes are where you put things you don't want or need. A better place for hiding because they're rarely opened or looked in, just moved around. But boxes have been linked inseatd to ideas and thought. Think outside the box. But my thoughts are more like a river, tumbling over them selves, rushing, or babbling along happily. Maybe bubbles or a web, yes, some times those too. But bbbles are thought AND speach. They are also childhood. Webs are lies and decite, yet some how linked to life and creation as well. Life is the great tree, the rainbow (which is also childhood, and happiness as well) It is nature. The city is cold, it is stagnation and decay. It is everything that is wrong with this world. Earth, used to show unity, a one ness of man kind that is a beautiful and fondly heald dream that will not likely see fruition in my life time or even my grand children's life time. Such things haunt me. I have an abundance of hope but little faith when it comes to humanity. We are a disese. It is a truth. Some deny. Progress destroys. It has made out lives so much easier, and as a result we place less value in what's truely important and more in the superfelous. I wonder if the Hutterites don't have the right idea to a degree? Live off the land without 90% of modern conveniences, modern distractions from a life we are not happy in. We seek happiness in what we surround our selfves with, instead of that which feeds our soul. We search for personal truth in what charlatans sell. We seek an affermation of life that would not seem cold on close inspection, like a photograph stared at for too long. Not everyone sees. Not everyone wants to. Some have seen to much of what is dark and have lost the light. I cling to it with everything I am. I long so desperately for a dream that is a vision that is a feeling. Of life, of home, of absolute RIGHT. It brings a sadness with it so deep taht tears spring. My soul knows this place. It longs for it, cries for it, remembers it so well, and can not find it. Is this the bible's paradise from which we were expelled? Is it a racial memory or simply a kinship with some one long ago who felt this same empty loss of taht which they had never known and made this feeling into words into a story? The snake is evil and eternity, so what is bad is eternal and what is good and bright is slowly starved for the light. To believee that is to die inside. I cling to the light. It sustains me. It is my hope. Th hope that some day, that vision will be truth. That maybe we'll learn before we destroy our selves. There is much hope but very little faith.
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Well *blinks, shakes head as though to clear it* that was an interesting journey. *wipes tears* I think I'll call it a night. I'm suddenly tired.

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  Now that's not always how I feel, but a lot of days it is. There's just not enough good in the world. It's funny what comes out when you set pen to paper some times, isn't it?

You know it's a hard thing some times to love someone who you know will never feel the same about you. I should never have fallen for him the first time. Yet here I am. My friend, my sometimes lover. The best thing about him is his smile. It's the most infectious smile I have ever seem. It's impossible not to relax when he looks at you like that. *sigh* ah unrequited love.
*shakes head and laughs at her self*

Updating, weeks later--- time to throw that particular torch in the lake.

Mexico Memories....
Mexico, silver sands, ever changing, sticks to your feet, gets in everything, sand everywhere, hotel room, reds, balcony, sun rise, stormclouds, rain, cool on hot, wet, refreshing, slip, fall, stand up, turn face, market, pushy vendors, "I'll make you a deal", small cab, muccy road, hot bus, long drive, "Don't call me Lady", warm water, run-away horse, can't galop, ouch, cramp, lunch, mexican possum, people screaming, home, juan, always joking, guys staring, pushups on the balcony, waving, no, don't see, salt water, butning eyes, nose, throat, it hurts, rinse off in the pool, mini golf, beet jare, ha ha, joe from, oh, joe, my smiling friend, to hot, cool down, pool hot, sun burn, say good bye, food everywhere, 8 different places to eat, Rosa Marina's, monkey man, "Just one more drink", nights, upside down moon, turtles on the beach, sit on the wall in the dark, no one there, ocean roar, constant sound, calming, sleep, lumpy bed, sun comes up too early, storm made the door leak, coral and sea shells, snorkling, strong curent, coral burns, thank goodness for all the pushups, what statue, thomas, dumb drunk driver, no tip, follow the leader, eagle ray, life jacket, thank goodness, all the pictures of nothing, oops, the batteries fell, too late,, tired, lizzards everywhere, wild iguanas, can't rent, it's closed, malls, crazy buss driver, friendly little girl, , all those braids, so fast, strawberry daqueries, vodka/tequila, yum, don't like rum, fancy restaraunt, little blue rose, went through the wash, moon over the clouds, watching over, juan's name tag, fare well my friend, very embaressing, won't let me leave hands behind back, very red face, confused, oh well.

yay! I'm excited. I just applied for a gallery on elfwood. I wonder how many you are allowed to get wrong?

AHH! Evil Computer! Every time I sit down at this thing w/out a spesific purpous in mind, it steals no less than an hour of my time that I'm supposed to be using to do other things. And yet some how I keep doing it....
Yay! I'm so happy Elfwood is back up.