I can't decide how I feel about going to Edmonton. As the actual date grows closer I find my self excited and extremely nervous by terms. I imagine that most people going away to school who have happy home lives feel this way.

Half the time I'm sure everything will work out and that I'll have a fantastic time and meet lots of friends. The other half of the time I see my self a gibbering ball of stress trying to keep up with my assignements, too shy to take the chance of trying to get to know any-one, completely lonely and miserable.

Really, I'm not leaving that much behind by way of friends. There's Lee. He's the only person I really consider a friend half the time. I guess there's Carrie and Bina, but since I only see them once every 3 to 6 months, and don't exactly talk to them very much... So, really, there's just Lee and Mom, for people I'm gong to miss.

I guess a big part of it is leaving the familiar. It seems kind of funny to say that, considering that 5 years ago I would have given anything to leave Calgary and go back to St.Albert, and all that I left behind there. But there's nothing there any more. Not really. I lost touch with everyone but Fuzz within a year of moving to Calgary, and Fuzz herself almost 2 years ago.

Everyone keeps telling me that this is where I'm going to meet the people who I'll keep as friends. But that's part of the problem, too. A part of me doesn't want to make any friends to leave behind again. I've gotten too comfortable being by my self.

I suppose it will be whatever it will be. No way to know till I'm there. Not looking forward to living with Uncle Rick though... I'll be vaccumeing every day.

after all this time (6 months) Puff is finally finished. But I can't seem to get a picture of him I'm satisfied with to post... (grumble grumble)

Gee! I'm making a new dragon sculpture. My very first one with an armature.  I'm EXCITED!!

         .................


I dreamed last night of a white tiger crossed with a dragon, and she was the face of my Lady Moon, and I did bow down before her..


         .................

This was origionally written when I was 16 or 17
-----------------------------------------------------------

Life, As Based On An Orange


  So what happens when you walk away from your reflection in the mirror. Are you so sure that the mirror is only a reflection of what is real? What if we were to say that in actuality, you cease to exist as soon as you are no longer reflected because you are the reflection? You would of course disagree based on you limited perception that is common to the human race, saying, "That simply can not be true." After all, you KNOW that you exist, otherwise how could you be having thisconversation? But what if you don't exist as you think you do. It is technically possible to think one exists when one does not. This may all be someone's dream or fantasy. "But," you argue, "what about all my memories, what about history?" Well even tht is quite simple to explain away. You have the created memories, but what you think happened today, or yesterday, may in fact not have happened at all if this is a dream. The dream could have started as little as one second ago. What if this is your dream? And soon, you will wake up, and be, any age, and you'll go around telling your frinds about what an incredibly strange dream dream you just had, but then you'll have to wonder, what if that was reality, and this is a dream, or what if it's a dream inside a dream?
  And back to the mirror idea. What if there is a whole nother world on the other side of the mirror? You can't say that wat isn't reflected in the mirror doesn't exist, because that would mean just what you were denying earlier, that what isn't reflected in the mirror does not exist. 
  So what is in fact the real reality to all this? Can any one say? I can't. I just sit here and ponder life as based on an orange. You see, an orange is nothing really but a pod to carry seeds, so the tree can reproduce. That is it's purpous in life. And, in a way, we are like that orange. Most of us have this natural desire to reproduce. That is the purpous of life. One would call it self preservation and argue that we are not like the orange because we think and the orange does not, but we're here for the same reason. TO spread, to create new people. So, one must ask, "Where is our tree?" Or are we both the tree and the pod, and why are we here? Who programed us, so to speak.
  Or you could take the Christian view and say that we came from Adam and Eve, created by God. But for what purpous were we created? We don't seem to really be doing any good on this earth. Surely, if God is all knowing, he would have seen what we would do if he gave us free will and have done a better job, and then argue that in giving us free will He was giving us a great gift, and because fo free will we are able to choose. And more often that not we do not make the right choices, and we end up suffering because of those choices. 
  But there are still a million questions that can be asked. Do we really have free will? "Knowing" we do, we think that without it we would be slaves, but if it was all we had ever knownthen we would not question it. In fact, we might think we did have free will, a thought that would of course cause one to wonder if we do in fact have free will, or if we do not realize we do not because we have been played so completely that we think we make these decisions we make but in reality we are ultimately controlled like puppets by some higher power, all doing and thinking what we are SUPPOSED to, thinking that is our own thoughts. Are we nothing but pawns in some great game that we don't understandbecause we have no way of comprehending the magnitude of it.
  Now even I know that not all of these thoughts are my own, they were suggested to me by people I know, or by some outside influence. So in a way, no thoughts are completely our own. All thoughts are inspired in a large or small wayby an outside influence. Even if you say that thought is spurred by a thought spurred a thought, the thought that spurred that thought was influenced by somthing external.
  The things we see color our perception, our views are constantyl changing, God created the worls and it was a puzzle and even HE'S still trying to figure it out. A dear friend of mine said that while we discussd somthing quite like this. What started that conversation, I don't even remeber any more. 
  To completely understand the world you would have to know every single thought, thought by every single person, since time began, which is quite impossible. And even then you would only just be scratching the surface, I think. Yet we keep wondering, even though we know that we arn't going to find the right answers, or even any answers at all. But then we wonder if we are....
  The human race is constantly questioning. Why is that? Again I think it comes down to basic survival instinct. We think in order to adapt to the changing world that we may survive to think more and pro-create more.

And I could go on like this for hours, but this stupic computer is anoying me and I have to eat before I go to work.

Origionally written June 6, 2003, 11:48pm
-----------------------------------------------------------
Random thoughts. I wonder why so often closets and the act of hiding things are linked? Closets are places you store things you need. You open them and go throught them every day. Boxes are where you put things you don't want or need. A better place for hiding because they're rarely opened or looked in, just moved around. But boxes have been linked inseatd to ideas and thought. Think outside the box. But my thoughts are more like a river, tumbling over them selves, rushing, or babbling along happily. Maybe bubbles or a web, yes, some times those too. But bbbles are thought AND speach. They are also childhood. Webs are lies and decite, yet some how linked to life and creation as well. Life is the great tree, the rainbow (which is also childhood, and happiness as well) It is nature. The city is cold, it is stagnation and decay. It is everything that is wrong with this world. Earth, used to show unity, a one ness of man kind that is a beautiful and fondly heald dream that will not likely see fruition in my life time or even my grand children's life time. Such things haunt me. I have an abundance of hope but little faith when it comes to humanity. We are a disese. It is a truth. Some deny. Progress destroys. It has made out lives so much easier, and as a result we place less value in what's truely important and more in the superfelous. I wonder if the Hutterites don't have the right idea to a degree? Live off the land without 90% of modern conveniences, modern distractions from a life we are not happy in. We seek happiness in what we surround our selfves with, instead of that which feeds our soul. We search for personal truth in what charlatans sell. We seek an affermation of life that would not seem cold on close inspection, like a photograph stared at for too long. Not everyone sees. Not everyone wants to. Some have seen to much of what is dark and have lost the light. I cling to it with everything I am. I long so desperately for a dream that is a vision that is a feeling. Of life, of home, of absolute RIGHT. It brings a sadness with it so deep taht tears spring. My soul knows this place. It longs for it, cries for it, remembers it so well, and can not find it. Is this the bible's paradise from which we were expelled? Is it a racial memory or simply a kinship with some one long ago who felt this same empty loss of taht which they had never known and made this feeling into words into a story? The snake is evil and eternity, so what is bad is eternal and what is good and bright is slowly starved for the light. To believee that is to die inside. I cling to the light. It sustains me. It is my hope. Th hope that some day, that vision will be truth. That maybe we'll learn before we destroy our selves. There is much hope but very little faith.
                  ----
Well *blinks, shakes head as though to clear it* that was an interesting journey. *wipes tears* I think I'll call it a night. I'm suddenly tired.

-----------------------------------------------------------
  Now that's not always how I feel, but a lot of days it is. There's just not enough good in the world. It's funny what comes out when you set pen to paper some times, isn't it?

You know it's a hard thing some times to love someone who you know will never feel the same about you. I should never have fallen for him the first time. Yet here I am. My friend, my sometimes lover. The best thing about him is his smile. It's the most infectious smile I have ever seem. It's impossible not to relax when he looks at you like that. *sigh* ah unrequited love.
*shakes head and laughs at her self*

Updating, weeks later--- time to throw that particular torch in the lake.

Mexico Memories....
Mexico, silver sands, ever changing, sticks to your feet, gets in everything, sand everywhere, hotel room, reds, balcony, sun rise, stormclouds, rain, cool on hot, wet, refreshing, slip, fall, stand up, turn face, market, pushy vendors, "I'll make you a deal", small cab, muccy road, hot bus, long drive, "Don't call me Lady", warm water, run-away horse, can't galop, ouch, cramp, lunch, mexican possum, people screaming, home, juan, always joking, guys staring, pushups on the balcony, waving, no, don't see, salt water, butning eyes, nose, throat, it hurts, rinse off in the pool, mini golf, beet jare, ha ha, joe from, oh, joe, my smiling friend, to hot, cool down, pool hot, sun burn, say good bye, food everywhere, 8 different places to eat, Rosa Marina's, monkey man, "Just one more drink", nights, upside down moon, turtles on the beach, sit on the wall in the dark, no one there, ocean roar, constant sound, calming, sleep, lumpy bed, sun comes up too early, storm made the door leak, coral and sea shells, snorkling, strong curent, coral burns, thank goodness for all the pushups, what statue, thomas, dumb drunk driver, no tip, follow the leader, eagle ray, life jacket, thank goodness, all the pictures of nothing, oops, the batteries fell, too late,, tired, lizzards everywhere, wild iguanas, can't rent, it's closed, malls, crazy buss driver, friendly little girl, , all those braids, so fast, strawberry daqueries, vodka/tequila, yum, don't like rum, fancy restaraunt, little blue rose, went through the wash, moon over the clouds, watching over, juan's name tag, fare well my friend, very embaressing, won't let me leave hands behind back, very red face, confused, oh well.

yay! I'm excited. I just applied for a gallery on elfwood. I wonder how many you are allowed to get wrong?

AHH! Evil Computer! Every time I sit down at this thing w/out a spesific purpous in mind, it steals no less than an hour of my time that I'm supposed to be using to do other things. And yet some how I keep doing it....
Yay! I'm so happy Elfwood is back up.