Not going to be around much over the next week or so. Have 4 tests nex week and that means lots of material to review. Ill be getting up at 4am or earlier every day for the next 7 to try and get it all covered.
Wish me luck!
Just got back from my milking shift at the U of A dairy barn, and I had an absolute blast. I'm sure going to hurt tomorrow, though. Got more exercise in three and a half hours than I've probably gotten since moving to Edmonton. From the time we started milking till when we were finished the last cow we didn't stop. There was a lot of crouching and standing up and crouching again, and bending to look under the cow.. They don't have a raised milking platform, you see (you won't, unless you've seen a dairy opperation that has one, but that's ok)
Things took a bit longer than they would have for a number of reasons. One of them was a two day old bull calf that is very sick. Extreme dehydration from diarrhea. His eyes were totally sunken, and he was so weak before we gave him the first dose of electrolytes that he could not even lift his head. We had to give him the second dose of electrolytes with a stomach tube after we were done milking to make sure he got them all.
It was clinically kind of interesting because we've been learning about the c/s (clinical signs) of dehydration, but to actually be able to see such a sever case first hand. I wanted to check his CRT (capillary refil time) and do a skin tent and a few other things but I just helped Andrew (the student from the U of A that was doing the shift with me) with the stomach tube.
The milikng it self was pretty interesting too. I'm proud to say that I picked everything up really quickly. Andrew said I was the best volunteer he'd had in years *grins*. You have to first dip the teats in a weak iodine solution, then wipe them off after 30 seconds. Then you can put the milking machine on them, which can be a bit of a trick. You have to punch in the ID number of the cow so they can keep track of how much milk she is producing, and do some other things. A lot of the cows would move as you were trying to attach the machine, and some times after you got it on they would kick it off. *shakes her head* And you've got to be moving ahead down the line and dipping and wipeing the next cows (we had 4 machines to start with running ans I think 6 or 8 at the end) So you have to keep track of who you've you've dipped, who you've wiped, who's been milked, where the machines are going next... you really just dont' stop the entire time. *grins*
I would love to do that every weekend, but it would take too much time away from studying..
Andrew is going to e-mail me to let me know if the calf pulls through. He'll either survive the night, or he won't..
He was really nice and awefull good looking too. Unfortunately taken.. (as if I have time for a relationship, anyway!)
But it was a lot of fun and a realy fantastic first experience with large animals. Totally re-enforces the idea that I would like to work in a mixed practice. Now we just wait till next saturday and see if I like it as much after sticking my arm up a cow's ass!
Two of the things I love most about fall are the sound of leaves crunching underfoot, and the smell of the poplars..
How can I possible miss you this much...
I'm tired, I'm stressed, I'm lonely...
It's odd how I can be perfectly happy one day, and the very next... I have a major project that is due on wednesday, and the research is not going well. I just can't find the information I need to have! And I dont know where else to look.
I have my shift at the emergency hospital comming up, but I can't remember what weekend I signed up for, and I can't remember what class we signed up in so what teacher to ask...
I have two -more- test next week. It seems they average about two a week, and some how I have to keep up with review of new material in all subjects while studying for the tests..
And I'm lonely. Non of my good friend on ET are around much. I dont' blame them, they're all busy with school and life too. It just leaves me with no one to talk to. I haven't gotten to know any of my classmates well enough that I feel close to any of them, though it may come with some of them. And none of my few close friends left back in Calgary are returning my e-mails with any degree of frequency.
The joy at finding out my sister lives three blocks away has disappeared in the reality of her never returning my calls. We still haven't gotten together, tho not for any lack of effort on my part. It makes me sad. I guess i shouldnt really be surprised. After all, I was always the one who put in the effort to stay in touch over the last 7 or 8 years...
And there's realy nothing I can do. Just keep going. The stress levle will go down again, and then it will go up again. And maybe I'll find a good friend in at least one of the girls at school (there are no boys in the program, in case you were wondering) *sigh* I wish I could go home..
Me and my weird brain
While looking for my ruler.. "I thought I brought the umberella out.."
I had a very spesific purpous for logging in just now. But do you think I can remember what it was? Of course not. *wanders off again*
*sigh* It's soooo good to be home, even if it's only for a couple of days. I was supremely homesick. Going back to Edmonton will be hard, but Thanksgiving will be here before I know it and I will be home again. And then at Christmas, I get to be home for a whole -week- ! I missed my kitten. She missed me too! She's been so silkey ever since I got here yesterday and just purring away. *chuckles* I think mom would purr too if she could.
What a day. It was just one of those days when everything conspires to go wrong. I forgot my umberella at school last night, and it was raining this morning. I lost an assignment. Luckily it wasn't for marks, but I have no idea where it went. It disappeared into the ether. I split the seat of my pants wide open, right below my right bum cheek. Thank goodness I had scrubs in my locker so I had a change of pants! And then I got home and had dinner, then sat down to get to my homework, and realized I brought the entirily wrong binder home! So I had to get my uncle to drive me back to school so I coudl get my homework binder. Can you tell I have too much on my mind? Oh well, at least I can laugh about it.
Well, into my third week now. Things are going fairly well. I'm not -too- stressed, most of the time, any way. The work load is crazy but I'm managing to mostly keep up. We got to practice giving intramuscular and subcutaneous injection on still-born piglets today. That was kindof neat. Next week we start giving rabies veccines to live animals. I'm a wee bit nervous.
As a side note, I'm one of the official phtotgraphers for my year of Animal Health, so a section for pictures of us doing fun things like disections will probably appear in my collection of photo wikis, which I think only a handfull of people have visited, but oh well.
Time to get to work!
Today was my first day of the great post secondary experience. I'm not entirily sure what I think of it yet. Text books are too expensive, I know that much. I've only bought maybe a quarter of what I need and I've spent $354.65. Half of what I bought wasn't even really text books, but note packages put together by the school.
The day flew by, that's for sure. We observed a post mortem on a two year old dog that was uthanized at the local pound, and I'm embaressed to say I almost fainted twice. I'll get used to it, though. The same thing happened when I watched my first surgeries during my volunteer hours, and I got over it. It's just been well over a year since I've really observed a surgery. I was always too busy doing my work.
It's 30 degrees outside and freezing in what is going to be out main classroom. According to the second years who gave us a bit of a tour, that doesn't change. But it will be easier to work with come winter when I'll already be dressing for the cold.
I'm going to have no life for the next 8 months. Not that that will mean much, since I already have next to none, knowing no one. *sigh* I have reading to do, I should go.
My day, week, month, maybe even year, was totally made today. It didn't start out all that fantastic. I moved to Edmonton today for school, which I wasn't really looking forward to, as I knew no one and was leaving friends and family bahind. Well, got to Edmonton in one piece, got all the boxes moved into my uncle Rick's house (I'm going to be living with him) and got my bed and desk built, and decided to walk over to Boston Pizza for dinner. As we're just walking up to the restaurant, I hear a voice calling my name. I look up, and there is my sister running towards me across the parking lot!
I lost touch with her about two years ago when her phone got disconnected, and then I moved, so my phone number changed, and I dispaired of ever seeing her again. I had no idea if she was still living in edmonton, or well, anything. And there she is, just like that! She's living three bloxcks away! And I'm an Aunt!
I can't even describe how happy I am right now.
Well, tonight was my last shift at the vet clinic. I'm feeling kind of sad. I'm really going to miss that place and the people I worked with. And Sonny. Who knows if he will still be with us when I come back. 13 is a long life, for a cat, especially one who was diagnosed with liver cancer three years ago and given three months to live. I got a few pictures of him, at least. The girls bought me a cake, and they sang "For she's a jolly good fellow", and Alison bought me tea... One more thing I'm leaving behind, not really knowing what I will find where I am going.
This is my trip journal form my week in BC. Enjoy.
July 29 10:18am
Some times I forget how much I love this country. Getting out of the city reminds me. The beauty of the fothills; the majesty of the Rocky Mountains, towering over as as we approach thm. All of nature's splendor under that big Alberta sky.
--- 11:37am
We have just crossed the border into B.B. There are wildflowers and fox tails in the ditch and a glacier to our left. There was a forest fire here when dad was 12. The trunks of the pines still stand, tall black sentinals, with a riot of purple blossoms at their base. Dad tells me he drove through here just as the fire was being brought under controle, and there were animals walking along the edge of the highway; bear along side deer. There are huge patches of the mountainside covered by these pruple flowers. They are called fireweek. In places the new pines are packed so tightly together they resemble nothing so much as a hedge.
I can see places where somthing has gone to seed. The patches under the trees remind me of the way snow looks in the spring, all grey and dirty. We see only occasional patches of snow on the mountains, high on the sides, above the tree line. They layers of rock make fascinating shapes where they useddynamite to blast it away, half a century ago when this road was first constructed.
The lakes we pass are a beautiful turquoise, a deeper shade than the Caribean Sea. That color is caused by silt that comes down inthe glacial melt water that feeds most of these rivers and lakes.
--- 12:33pm
We just saw two mountain goats with two babies, but the car behind us was driving too close for us to stop and take a picture. The roads are narrow and winding now, with the mountains pressing close on either side We are much closer to the tree line now.
We've just hit Radium. We'll stop for lunch here and look for postcards.
--- 2:42pm
About 20km and we'll be there. There is a strong wind and with the kayaks strapped to the roof it's been pushing us all over the road. It's making the straps the tie the kayaks down hum.
--- 4:59pm
Well, the biggest challenge of the day seems to have been getting our borrowed tent set up. The ground is hard and rocky and, quite frankly, the stakes are not exactly top quality. But oh well, we (well, mostly dad) managed.
The campground is quite wonderful. Mountains on all sides and lots of fir trees sighing in the wind. About 30 feet behind our site there is a crystal clear little creek that I have already discovered is quite refreshing to splash around in.
We've looked at the map and there are a few hikes we would like to take, and we plan to take a day trip, probably mid week, to Fort Steele, but for now we're just enjoying being here.
--- 8:38pm
We went down to the lake and went for a short paddle. The lake is very pretty. But the sun went behind the mountaina nd the wind came up, making it extrordinarily difficult to paddle, so we headed back.
Now a cup of tea is steeping and I'll admit to being tired.
July 30, 1:57 am
The stars are amazing. It's been years since I've seen them all so clearly. I could, and did, find my way to the outhouse by starlight alone. I didn't understand why it was still so bright until I looked up and gasped in awe. You forget how many stars there really are, living under the influence of city lights.
My air mattress has a slow leak. My hip will be resting on the rocks, come dawn. I haven't slept much since we went to bed at 10:00.
--- 6:22am
I was right about my hip being on the rocks this morning. The cances of finding out where the leak is are slim to none. guess I'll just pump it up every night.
It cooled down a lot over night. Not sure how much as we didn't bring a thermometer. Enough that I added a layer of clothes, top and bottom, before getting our of the tent.
There is a squirl scolding in the trees, and I saw a skunk by the palyground. I think I may be the only one who is up yet. I'm still running on Alberta time, but it's an hour earlier in BC.
--- 9:41am
The air has warmed considerable since the sun came over the mountain. We went for a short walk along the lakeshore and found signs of bear. We heard a loon calling as it flew over the lake, but we haven't seen it yet. Wouldn't -that- be a feather to add to my collection.
We've seen about half a dozen little chipmonks this morning. I've never seen them so small. they're only about as tall as my index finger when they sit up. I've managed to get a couple of pictures.
I'm hopeing I will not run out of space on my memory card. If I vary the picture quality depending on the subject matter I should be ok.
We're headed into town to pick up the things we invariable forgot to pack.
--- 3:31pm
The high winds have been keeping us off the lake, so we decided to go for a hike around it. Unfortunately the trail we were following petered out to nothing and we were forced to turn back.
Not letting that stop us, we instead hiked up to one of the smaller lakes near by, Cat's Eye. Altogether we hiked for about 90 minutes. On the way up tp Cat's Eye, I managed (with dad's assistance)to get a close up picture of an Orb Weaver spider and a couple of nice shots of small falls.
We're determined to get out on the water later today, wind or no wind.
--- 8:59pm
Overall, I would call today a total success. We did manage to get out onto the lake for about a hour. It rained on us a bit and the wind picked up, of course causing me more trouble than dad. We switched kayaks so dad was in the sixteen foot rental and I was paddling his twelve footer. We'll likely keep that arrangement for the rest of the trip, I think. I find the 12 easier to manouver, if not as fast. The water was like glass and the sun came out as we were heading in. Now if only we couls have those conditions for the rest of the trip.
I'm finding I'm glad of the warm clothes I brought. It cools down a great deal once the sun goes behind the mountains.
One can only hope sleep will not be so elusive tongith.
July 31, 9:03am
Our second full day begins with both of us feeling a great deal better rested. The night was eventfull only in that we recieved a visit from the skunk after foolishly leaving the leftover hotdog buns on the picknick table. It was somewhat un-nervinghear
I'm finding that I'm missing the habits of home less than I thought perhaps I might. Particularily the morning ones. It's been so long since I truely was camping. It so successfully removes you from your daily life and gives you time to sit back and enjoy yourself for a change.
The weather looks promissing so far. Clear and calm. If this holds we will have a lovely day of paddling to look forward to. Just finnishing our respective tea and coffee and then we'll head down to the lake.
--- 12:26pm
Well, the weather dicided it would co-opperate with us this time around. We managed to get almost all the way down the lake before my left shoulder and elbow began to complain loudly that they just wern't used to that kind of treatment. We did manage to get a good close up look at a couple of Loons. We've seen and heard them flying overhead. but this was the first time we have encountered them on the water. We also came upon three yearling buck Mule Deer grazing at the water's edge. There was a Bald Eagle perched high in one of the trees along the shore, but it was too high for me to get a decent shot. I'm sure we will go out again later this afternoon, after my arm has had a rest.
--- 1:54pm
The one thing that mush be said about campgrounds with no shower facilities, is that getting clean definitely becomes much more of a challenge. We have proved though, taht it is not impossible, and I feel much refreshed.
--- 2:27pm
Thus far this trip, I have managed to find three new feathers for my collection. Just now, Raven. And yesterday, what we believe is from a fish hawk of some sort, and a small duck feather. I need to find a new, somthing, to display my feathers in when we get home. The candle holder I'm using has gotten too small for my collection.
--- 4:19pm
A very dusty hour's walk has found us our next paddle. A pretty little lake called Quatrz Lake. It's probably an hour to 90 minutes easy paddle for tomorrow morning. Perhaps, if we're lucky, we'll see the Black Bear we've been told is often seen in this area.
--- 7:37pm
This trip is turning out to be a fantastic trip for collecting feathers. I now have three, yes, three, almost perfect Ruff Nicked Grouse tail feathers! Gee!
August 1, 8:53am
Another day dawns bright, clear, and promissing. We went back up tp quartz lake after dinner and tried to find a path around it, but the water was too high. (at least 7 feet higher than normal, we're told) Cliffs blocked our way that I could have gotten up, but perhaps not safely down.
There's a great deal of shale in the area, and it's surprizingly quite musical to walk across. As the different size peices hit each other, they chime in a million different notes. It's really quite pretty.
Walking across great slopes of said shale, however, is pracarious, at best. The slate is just a liable to slip out form underfoot as it is to prove stable. As a result, I found a great deal of entertainment value in making my way across several such slopes, arms out to the sides, feet placed with care, and a silly little grin on my fave the entire time. Dad, of course, is following behind, wondering if he will have to fish me out of the lake (though I might add that he slipped as much if not more than I did)
Now we're drinking our respective morning beverages and waiting for the sun to warm things up a bit before we head back up to Quartz Lake for our morning paddle.
We thought we might head into the Fort Steele historical site for a look around this afternoon.
--- 1:46pm
Our morning's paddle on Quartz Lake was an absolute delight. Definitely the most enjoyable so far. We were out for a couple of hours, with a stop on a little island that we're quite sure is not an island when the water lavle is at it's lower normal.
A very relaxing paddle, so my left arm only gave me the tinyest bit of trouble. Remembered to bring the binoculars this time and got a pretty good look at a Loon. they never let you get very close. It was lovely to listen to it when it was calling. It has such a beautiful, haunting cry to begin with,a nd it was echoing back to us from the hills int he silence. I wish I couls have recorded it, but dad had the camera.
We're on our way to Fort Steele now. It's become quite overcast, so we're glad we paddled when it was nice and sunny. hopefully it will not rain on us as I left my rain jacket in the tent.
--- 5:56pm
After stopping for dinner and to pick up more ice in Cranbrook, we're on our way back to camp. Fort Steele was interesting. We spent about an hour there, I guess. It's funny, but I didn't take any pictures of the buildings that had been restored, only the ones that hadn't.
August 2, 6:52pm
Well, there is but one full day remaining, and I confess that I am looking forward to getting home and all the things that come along with that. A bed that does not deflate while you sleep, a hot shower, and certain people, who I miss. Though of course I will have to wait another week to see mom.
Today was not a bad day. Nor, however, was it a particularily noteable day. We had thought to go paddle White Swan Lake, but we were very disappointed by what we found, and did not, after all, paddle today. What we did end up doing was going for a walk up what we think may have been a old logging road. It was pretty enough, I suppose, and I did find another feather. But not, as I said, a particularily fantastic day. Ah well.
We'll go for a last paddle of Premier Lake tomorrow, one way or another. I'm sure dad's legs won't be up to a hike though. Have been trying to figure out what exercises I can do over the winter to be better prepared for next paddling season. If I have time, with school to worry about.
Forgive me. I slept poorly and had disturbing dreams. I will be more myself tomorrow.
August 3, 1:54 pm
Today is a much greater success than yesterday. For one, I slept well and slept in. For two, we finally managed to paddle the circumferance of Premier Lake. It took almost exactly two hours, and was a very enjouable paddle, though not as nice as Quartz lake. I have tan lines from my paddling gloves.
We got probably the closest look at a Loon we're likely to. It came up about 10 feet from dad's kayak, 15 from mine. The lake it self was like glass most of the time. I set out today determined to make it all the way around. And, of course, now that we're leaving tomorrow, I seem finally to have gotten the rythm of paddling back. *sigh* Oh well.
Now we may just relax for the rest of the day, or we may take that 2 hour loop trail. Either way, I'll be happy.
--- 8:18pm
It ended up we did nothing. It rained for about an hour. Everything is so dry though that it made little differance. By this time tomorrow I will be home. It's been a lovely vacation, but, oh, how I miss my bed. I've never camped for this long in a tent before. It was different with the trailer. I've enjoyed my self.
As much as I'm looking forward to going home, I know there will be sadness tomorrow as we leave the mountains. Though it will be less than it would be were we leaving the coast. Back to the city. To it's noise, it's smell, it's steele and concrete and the day to day concerns of life. Also to the final preparations to leave for Edmonton. Oh, Goddess, I'm not ready...
But for now, I don't have to think about that. For now, I have one more night to sit in front of the campfire and listen to it snap and pop, and to the sound of the creek.
August 4, 1:25 pm
I was wrong. My sorrow was for the deer we saw get hit by a car an hour ago. My feeling as we drove onto the praries,was one of homecomeing. It's still hillier here than where I grew up, but the praries, too, hold a place in my heart. Most of what I can see is brown and dry. There are hundreds of hay bales, and there are cows and horses. I feel, just now, as though I have been gone for a great deal longer than a week.
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Well, that's all there is, folks. As ever, forgive the spelling errors and my flights of fancy. It was almost as fun writing that as the trip was it self.
I can't decide how I feel about going to Edmonton. As the actual date grows closer I find my self excited and extremely nervous by terms. I imagine that most people going away to school who have happy home lives feel this way.
Half the time I'm sure everything will work out and that I'll have a fantastic time and meet lots of friends. The other half of the time I see my self a gibbering ball of stress trying to keep up with my assignements, too shy to take the chance of trying to get to know any-one, completely lonely and miserable.
Really, I'm not leaving that much behind by way of friends. There's Lee. He's the only person I really consider a friend half the time. I guess there's Carrie and Bina, but since I only see them once every 3 to 6 months, and don't exactly talk to them very much... So, really, there's just Lee and Mom, for people I'm gong to miss.
I guess a big part of it is leaving the familiar. It seems kind of funny to say that, considering that 5 years ago I would have given anything to leave Calgary and go back to St.Albert, and all that I left behind there. But there's nothing there any more. Not really. I lost touch with everyone but Fuzz within a year of moving to Calgary, and Fuzz herself almost 2 years ago.
Everyone keeps telling me that this is where I'm going to meet the people who I'll keep as friends. But that's part of the problem, too. A part of me doesn't want to make any friends to leave behind again. I've gotten too comfortable being by my self.
I suppose it will be whatever it will be. No way to know till I'm there. Not looking forward to living with Uncle Rick though... I'll be vaccumeing every day.
after all this time (6 months) Puff is finally finished. But I can't seem to get a picture of him I'm satisfied with to post... (grumble grumble)
Gee! I'm making a new dragon sculpture. My very first one with an armature. I'm EXCITED!!
..............
I dreamed last night of a white tiger crossed with a dragon, and she was the face of my Lady Moon, and I did bow down before her..
..............
This was origionally written when I was 16 or 17
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Life, As Based On An Orange
So what happens when you walk away from your reflection in the mirror. Are you so sure that the mirror is only a reflection of what is real? What if we were to say that in actuality, you cease to exist as soon as you are no longer reflected because you are the reflection? You would of course disagree based on you limited perception that is common to the human race, saying, "That simply can not be true." After all, you KNOW that you exist, otherwise how could you be having thisconversati
And back to the mirror idea. What if there is a whole nother world on the other side of the mirror? You can't say that wat isn't reflected in the mirror doesn't exist, because that would mean just what you were denying earlier, that what isn't reflected in the mirror does not exist.
So what is in fact the real reality to all this? Can any one say? I can't. I just sit here and ponder life as based on an orange. You see, an orange is nothing really but a pod to carry seeds, so the tree can reproduce. That is it's purpous in life. And, in a way, we are like that orange. Most of us have this natural desire to reproduce. That is the purpous of life. One would call it self preservation and argue that we are not like the orange because we think and the orange does not, but we're here for the same reason. TO spread, to create new people. So, one must ask, "Where is our tree?" Or are we both the tree and the pod, and why are we here? Who programed us, so to speak.
Or you could take the Christian view and say that we came from Adam and Eve, created by God. But for what purpous were we created? We don't seem to really be doing any good on this earth. Surely, if God is all knowing, he would have seen what we would do if he gave us free will and have done a better job, and then argue that in giving us free will He was giving us a great gift, and because fo free will we are able to choose. And more often that not we do not make the right choices, and we end up suffering because of those choices.
But there are still a million questions that can be asked. Do we really have free will? "Knowing" we do, we think that without it we would be slaves, but if it was all we had ever knownthen we would not question it. In fact, we might think we did have free will, a thought that would of course cause one to wonder if we do in fact have free will, or if we do not realize we do not because we have been played so completely that we think we make these decisions we make but in reality we are ultimately controlled like puppets by some higher power, all doing and thinking what we are SUPPOSED to, thinking that is our own thoughts. Are we nothing but pawns in some great game that we don't understandbeca
Now even I know that not all of these thoughts are my own, they were suggested to me by people I know, or by some outside influence. So in a way, no thoughts are completely our own. All thoughts are inspired in a large or small wayby an outside influence. Even if you say that thought is spurred by a thought spurred a thought, the thought that spurred that thought was influenced by somthing external.
The things we see color our perception, our views are constantyl changing, God created the worls and it was a puzzle and even HE'S still trying to figure it out. A dear friend of mine said that while we discussd somthing quite like this. What started that conversation, I don't even remeber any more.
To completely understand the world you would have to know every single thought, thought by every single person, since time began, which is quite impossible. And even then you would only just be scratching the surface, I think. Yet we keep wondering, even though we know that we arn't going to find the right answers, or even any answers at all. But then we wonder if we are....
The human race is constantly questioning. Why is that? Again I think it comes down to basic survival instinct. We think in order to adapt to the changing world that we may survive to think more and pro-create more.
And I could go on like this for hours, but this stupic computer is anoying me and I have to eat before I go to work.
Origionally written June 6, 2003, 11:48pm
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Random thoughts. I wonder why so often closets and the act of hiding things are linked? Closets are places you store things you need. You open them and go throught them every day. Boxes are where you put things you don't want or need. A better place for hiding because they're rarely opened or looked in, just moved around. But boxes have been linked inseatd to ideas and thought. Think outside the box. But my thoughts are more like a river, tumbling over them selves, rushing, or babbling along happily. Maybe bubbles or a web, yes, some times those too. But bbbles are thought AND speach. They are also childhood. Webs are lies and decite, yet some how linked to life and creation as well. Life is the great tree, the rainbow (which is also childhood, and happiness as well) It is nature. The city is cold, it is stagnation and decay. It is everything that is wrong with this world. Earth, used to show unity, a one ness of man kind that is a beautiful and fondly heald dream that will not likely see fruition in my life time or even my grand children's life time. Such things haunt me. I have an abundance of hope but little faith when it comes to humanity. We are a disese. It is a truth. Some deny. Progress destroys. It has made out lives so much easier, and as a result we place less value in what's truely important and more in the superfelous. I wonder if the Hutterites don't have the right idea to a degree? Live off the land without 90% of modern conveniences, modern distractions from a life we are not happy in. We seek happiness in what we surround our selfves with, instead of that which feeds our soul. We search for personal truth in what charlatans sell. We seek an affermation of life that would not seem cold on close inspection, like a photograph stared at for too long. Not everyone sees. Not everyone wants to. Some have seen to much of what is dark and have lost the light. I cling to it with everything I am. I long so desperately for a dream that is a vision that is a feeling. Of life, of home, of absolute RIGHT. It brings a sadness with it so deep taht tears spring. My soul knows this place. It longs for it, cries for it, remembers it so well, and can not find it. Is this the bible's paradise from which we were expelled? Is it a racial memory or simply a kinship with some one long ago who felt this same empty loss of taht which they had never known and made this feeling into words into a story? The snake is evil and eternity, so what is bad is eternal and what is good and bright is slowly starved for the light. To believee that is to die inside. I cling to the light. It sustains me. It is my hope. Th hope that some day, that vision will be truth. That maybe we'll learn before we destroy our selves. There is much hope but very little faith.
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Well *blinks, shakes head as though to clear it* that was an interesting journey. *wipes tears* I think I'll call it a night. I'm suddenly tired.
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Now that's not always how I feel, but a lot of days it is. There's just not enough good in the world. It's funny what comes out when you set pen to paper some times, isn't it?