*chuckles* It was beautiful out when I left the house for school this morning. Now, there's almost a blizzard going on out there. I did -not- dress for that. Hopefully it will have cleared up in 3 hours when I'm leaving. You'd think I'd know better, having grown up here and all that. I was lulled into a false sense of security by all the consecutive days of beautiful, warm, sunny weather. This is Alberta, after all. Dont like the weather, wait 5 minutes.

I'm sitting with my head on my arms and looking at the reflection of my face in the glass top of my desk. All I can really see between my arms and my laptop are my eyes, and the wood grain below the glass. I wonder, what am I thinking? Its a shame that feeling of peace never lasts. I need school to be over for the summer.

I just cleaned my desk off yesterday and it's already a mess.

There is a little purple duck with horns sitting on top of my desk lamp.

Well, I think that was the most peacefull thing I've done in a long time.

I woke up this morning at about 5:00. And I dont know why, but I decided not to go back to sleep. I really dont know why. But what I decided to do, was to sit and watch the sun rise. So I sat at my desk with all the lights off, listening to some morning music, and I watched the sky slowly go from full dark to full light.

And I'm glad I did, because it's left me with a peace I certainly didnt' go to bed with last night. I feel a great deal better.

Fantastic day. Turns out, I'm a natural at intubation. Sweet! Finally, I can do somthing well!

MLT aslo went very well today. I was the first one done my seds. To celebrate, I am going to curl up on my bed and watch a movie.

I really dont feel like doing anything related to school tonight..

*leans back in her chair and sighs* What a fantastic day. I dont think there was a single thing wrong with it. 

I got a wonderful wake up call, even if it was a little on the early side *chuckles* And it was a beautiful, sunny day. Clear blue sky, not a cloud to be seen, and 10 above. Everything is melting. There are puddles everywhere. I'm tempted to go splash through them. Spring is here! *dances* 

I spent the two hours of my lunch break sitting outside in the sun. It was gorgeous. Sunglasses on, no jacket...Mmmm. And I think I did pretty darn good on my parasitology midterm, to boot. Better than the last one (which was a 70 somthing)

Now I'm sleepy and I'd really love a nap. Who knows, maybe I'll even take one *grins* But I have one more midterm this week to study for. Just one more..

I'm really proud of how well I did restraining the cat while it got it's pre-med in the anesthesiology lab today. In the past, every time a cat has really freaked out, I kind of have too and have lost my grip on them. Not today though! I had that cat scruffed good. *nods*

And I got my third heart rate for competencies too! Now all I have left is to get jugular and cephalic blood, and insert an IV catheter....

I seem to have almost completely lost my drive when it comes to working on school work out side of school. This is -not- good.

My gads, it feels like spring out there! *dances around her room* Makes for mucky bike riding, it does, but oh, it's so beautiful out.. And that bike ride has put me in an even better mood than I was when I woke up *grins from ear to ear* Yay! Spring!

Sadly, it'll probably be another month before it's this warm and warmer for good. Oh well, it's comming!

Feeling kind of sad and quiet and wistful today..

I think it's just because I'm still so run down. Not as bad as yesterday. Yesterday I felt terrible. Today I'm just, well, what I already said. It's harder to think happy thoughts when I'm this run down. I have to find a way to deal with getting up that early better, because we have more shifts in the clinic once we're second year. But I think this tells me that an emergency clinic would not be a good place for me, as interesting as I'm sure it would be, because I dont think I could handle the shift work. Oh well, there's still a million options open to me, and I've got a while yet before I have to make any major decisions, like where I'm going to do my practicum, or whether I'm going to move to BC when I'm done this program or stay around Calgary. *sigh* So many important, life changing decisions.

It's been an afternoon for bigger thoughts than usual. And, as ever, I'm going to have a hard time expressing those thoughts. I wish I could dictate the sentence fragments more directly as they come to me, but it would lack the connectedness that it holds in my head.

Do I need to be more flexible in my vision of my future? I'm not sure. I didnt think so, but then today.. I can be that way. I fixate on somthing, and then I get blinders on to everyting that does not fit into that idea. Have I missed things because of that? Oh, probably.

I decided years ago what I though I wanted, what I thought I was capeable of. Maybe that's changed. But how much, is the question. Maybe now it's more, or different. Maybe there are possibilities that I didnt think were possible, even as I wanted them to be. Maybe they are. Maybe I just have to believe they are and they will be.

But a part of me still shys away from that idea. A part of me still wants to stay the path I've been on for it seems like so long. So which part wins? I dont know. I just dont know.

Well that is most frustrating. I did a whole bunch of work on parasitology before I had to do my lunch clinic shift, and I e-mail'd it to my self, or so I thought. But now, I go back and access that document to add some more info, and it's blank. How the fuck that happened I'm not sure, but I'm not impressed, not at all.

Today was not a good day in the clinic. I just could not get my head on straight. Not only could I not get blood, though I would have sworn on a stack of bibles that I was in the vein, I could not get a simple heart rate. And when it was time to present the patient to Dr.Ness, I went completely blank and didnt even know where to start, so I looked like a complete idiot. But it's the blood and the HR that anoy me the most. I just dont understand what I'm doing wrong. And neither does my tech, Erin. So she cant even suggest I do anything different, because as far as she can tell, I'm doing everything right. 

It's just like MLT. I know what I'm doing, but I fail every other lab. And it's always on stupid little things too. I'm doing everything right, and I forget to record somthing on the req, or I record it wrong, or somthing like that. And it's somthing different every week, it seems. I just dont get it, but it's really bothering me.

See, this is the problem with being on clinic care. I'm home, I'm sitting in front of my computer all ready to study parasitology, and my brain just isn't working. It's already gone to bed, and it figures I should follow it pretty quickly. I'm thinking it might be right. At least I got three hours in between Anesthesiology and the end of day stuff in the clinic. Not going to be so lucky tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll be lucky if I get 15 minutes to eat between clinic care and clinic's calss..