I've been thinking, today, and I've come back to an old, unanswered question. Which is truely more accurate, they way we percieve ourselves, or the way others percieve us? Now, I'm just talking about your normal average person here, not the mass murderer that lived next door and everyone thought he was "such a nice man.." Sure, there's always boing to be exceptions, but there are exceptions to everything. 

How I wish I could get inside the head of some of those dearest to me. I mean, not because I want to know all their secrets. Gods know I dont, that would be an invasion. More because I wonder if the same kind of things go on in their head as go on in mine. 

My dear, sweet Rowan, for example. So much of the time, her and I see her so differently. To me, she's such a sweet, wonderful person. She thinks rather less of her self, as I'm sure I think rather less of -my- self than she does.

And this, this is where the question comes in. Which one of us is more accurate? The one who sees from the outside, and sees the effect that a person has on the world around them, and builds their image of a person based on that? Or ther person them selves, who can see nothing but from their own point of view? 

Neither opinion is un-biased, when you come right down to it. I dont know. I dont know. I dont even know why it's such an important question. But it is.

I suppose it doesnt help that my own view of self is often confused. Most days I feel that I'm a good person, true those few I call friend, etcetera, etcetera. But then, of course, there are the dark days. Does everyone have them? The days where I feel unworthy of any kind of friendship or companionship. The days I feel like I'm alone, no matter hw many of my 'friends' are around me. And I wonder again, which me is the truth here, because how can I be both? And I dont have an answer.

I will always have more questions than answers.

*chuckles* It never fails. I swear, every summer, the first day I get to spend any real time out side and enjoy the nice weather (currently 24 degrees celcius) I forget to wear sun screen and get a sun burn. Oh well, I had a great day bike riding around the city. Took pictures of baby geese, got an ECG done, checked how much it's going to cost me to get a new (good quality w/ spiral steel boning) corset... Yup, all in all, a good day. Now I just have to figure dinner out..

That was absolutely awesome! I timed my bike ride perfectly, so that the storm that has been rolling in all morning hit when I was about half way home. The wind and the rain felt absolutely fantastic. I'm a little bit soaked. *chuckles and grins* Wanna do it again!

Just another poem I havent read in years. I'd completely forgotten about this one.

Night Friends   By: S.J. Marks

What you taught me
     And how I remember it
     When I lie in the dark
I write on the cold trees.
I see what you see through the corner of my eyes.

Walking slowly
     We touch the empty silences
     That lie in wait, settling to slow
     Decay
We are here. These gray weathered branches
     Are facts

You meet me, your eyes, your lips, your yellow
     Hair blown among long grasses.
There you are.
This is the way it seems to happen

I am insane with words, with grief,
I am alone.
For two days now, the one sound inside my head
     Has been your name.




This is not how I feel right now, but it has been in the past. I thought I would share it, all the same. The other poem(?) makes me smile. This one has no happy memories. This one remembers only loss.

I must say, I quite like living close enough to work to come home for lunch.

Going out to Kananaskis today for the first time this spring! I dont think there will be any snow left up there, but I guess we'll see. Definitely be bringing the camera. *chuckles* It works so much better outside than in, unfortunately. Next camera will -definitely- have shake reduction.

The mountains are still all white. I stop and look at them every day at from the highest point of my bikeride. I love my home..

Wehee! I got the job! I start tomorrow morning at 8am sharp. Being only 10 minutes away from work is going to rock.

Well, the boredom of freedom has officially set in. Good thing I'm probably starting a job soon.

Weeheee! I might have a job at the clinic just down the road from me! *dances* That means I could ride my bike to and from work every day. It would take me less than 10 minutes to get to work and home. And it looks like I'm going to get the $12 I'm asking for too! I go meet the girls tomorrow after my Dr appointment. -Very- excited. They seemed really nice today when I dropped off my resume. And I guess I would be getting some large animal experience there too, probably at Spruce Meadows, since I cant get to Okatokes.. *crosses her fingers* Oh, this would be -so- awesome... Wish me luck!

Long up-hill climb on bike + headwind = tired legs. Good fun.

You know, it occured to me this afternoon, that if I'm going to be working at a clinic this summer, I'm going to have a lot less opportunity to dress up than I did working at the office. 

Hmm, I guess that means I'll have to have more of a social life so I can dress up when I go out then! *chuckles*

Where went the faith of a small child in happy endings to every story?

And now I have a smaller bike.

I'm having a hard time keeping track of the day of the week without a schedule to follow..

Hmm, it seems that working brakes are going to take a bit of getting used to. I almost went over my handle-bars when I hit the breaks too hard. Not to mention that I've discovered the bike is just a wee bit taller than I though, and well, I'm not.. Still, good fun. It's so much nicer to ride than the ancient decrepit thing I have been using for the last 8 months.

Well, talk about unpleasant surprises. I just found out that my best friend here in Calgary is going to be moving to Montreal around the time I go back to edmonton for school in the fall. Not fun! Damn, I'm going to miss him..

Always nice to come home and find money waiting for you. I have 3 cheques from the government to a total of $1081.14 sitting in front of me. 

A wee bit will be for fun, but most of it will have to go towards next year's tuition and living expenses.