I wish I didnt miss him...

Wow, the things you find. I found the key to the locked drawer in my desk. I havent been able to open that drawer in literally years. It holds, among other things, all my journals from the time I was 13 till I guess probably 18 or 19. Going through that drawer is going to be a whole nother trip that I'm not sure I'm ready for right now.

I've spent much of my afternoon going through boxes in my basement. The primary reason for this was to find things that I need to take with me to Edmonton in a month for the apartment. I've certainly found a few boxes worth of that. I've also found a lot of stuff from my past that I had completely forgotten about. Everything from stuffed animals and odd ornaments, to things I had written on little pieces of paper.

I found this particular bit that I had written. It's not as true now as it was when I wrote it probably more than 7 years ago, but it suits today's events, none the less.

Well, it's going to be a quiet next two weeks around the house. Mom just left to fly to Manitoba to be with -her- mom for two weeks, because Gramma is very sick. The doctors say she has an infection somewhere, but they dont know where. I wonder it it's not systemic, in the blood. I hope not.

I was kind of wishing mom would go away for a while, but not for this reason. I hope Gramma will be ok. We're not really close, but I know that it will be very hard on mom when she goes. I'm sure I'll feel somthing too.. At least I hope so.

Thank goodness I have the cat. I dont think I could handle a completely empty house for two weeks.

I think my mom might be going on a date tonight. I'm intrigued. I also wish her all the best. I want very much for her to be happy.

Bought the soundtrack for Garden State today. Didnt think much of the movie, but love the soundtrack.

I feel so wired and neurotic right now. There's no point in going to bed because I wont be able to sleep. All of a sudden it seems like summer's almost over. One month from now I'll be moving my stuff from my uncle's into where I'll be living this year for school. Just a few weeks later, I'll be moving back to edmonton for another 8 months of school. Trying to organize when I'll be in kelowna, when I take the bus up to edmonton for one day to register, what my last day at the clinic will be, when I can manage to see Tam before I go... And my mother is still driving me nuts. I love her dearly, but some times... She gets the most ridiculous (wow, cant believe I spelled that right...) notions in her head, mis-interpretaions and mis-conceptions. I really thought I was going to enjoy having her around this much, while she's off work from her surgery, but I'm not. All I want is for her to be better enough to go back to work. But because it's her right foot this time she cant drive. *sigh* I just feel completely scattered right now. How did it get this close to haveing to go back so quickly? I have to start going through all my boxes in the basement and pulling out stuff we're going to need to equip the kitchen, deciding what all I'm bringing with me from my room this time, etc, etc, etc. ALl I want to do is just relax. Work at the clinic and spend my weekends with Tam and just bloody well -be-. I'm afraid I no longer have that luxury this summer. Summer is never long enough. I'll be so happy when I'm done this second and last year of my program. I've been in school almost constantly for the last, what, 17 years of my life? I've had enough, thank you very much. *sigh* Tomorrow will be a better day.

You know, I think this thing might acutally stand half a chance of surviving, given the opportunity...

Last night I discovered that my original bike rout was taking me half the time. This morning, I doubled the distance and added a couple more hills. It was a good ride.

Ok, it's official, I am just not meant to have any kind of luck with owning technology. My camera appears to be well and truly fuckered. When I turn it on, all that happens is the LCD screen flashes on and off. If I connect it to the computer, the computer doesn't acknowledge that it's connected. The best part? All my warranty information was left in the closet of the bedroom I was living in at my uncle's place in Edmonton. And you know, I was sure I brought my computer warranty stuff with me because I wanted to get my computer serviced over the summer when I was home, and I cant find that either. Bloody fuck.


(a few minutes later)
Ok, good news. I called the store where I bought it, and I dont have to have the paperwork, they have all the info in the computer. So I'll go down tomorrow and let them have a look at it. Who knows, maybe it will in fact be completely fuckered, in which case, my warranty will allow me to get another camera with all the same features (even if it's more expensive) And this time, I'll make sure I get one with shake reduction. Who knows, maybe I'll upgrade. *sigh* I hate technology, some days...

(update, the next day)
I officially want to kill my camera. I took it down to Best Buy today. I handed it to the nice man at the Geek Squad desk. He turned it on and it worked fine. I want to kill my camera. This will happen again. I know it. This is the second time this has happened. I want to kill my camera.

I've been thinking, today, and I've come back to an old, unanswered question. Which is truely more accurate, they way we percieve ourselves, or the way others percieve us? Now, I'm just talking about your normal average person here, not the mass murderer that lived next door and everyone thought he was "such a nice man.." Sure, there's always boing to be exceptions, but there are exceptions to everything. 

How I wish I could get inside the head of some of those dearest to me. I mean, not because I want to know all their secrets. Gods know I dont, that would be an invasion. More because I wonder if the same kind of things go on in their head as go on in mine. 

My dear, sweet Rowan, for example. So much of the time, her and I see her so differently. To me, she's such a sweet, wonderful person. She thinks rather less of her self, as I'm sure I think rather less of -my- self than she does.

And this, this is where the question comes in. Which one of us is more accurate? The one who sees from the outside, and sees the effect that a person has on the world around them, and builds their image of a person based on that? Or ther person them selves, who can see nothing but from their own point of view? 

Neither opinion is un-biased, when you come right down to it. I dont know. I dont know. I dont even know why it's such an important question. But it is.

I suppose it doesnt help that my own view of self is often confused. Most days I feel that I'm a good person, true those few I call friend, etcetera, etcetera. But then, of course, there are the dark days. Does everyone have them? The days where I feel unworthy of any kind of friendship or companionship. The days I feel like I'm alone, no matter hw many of my 'friends' are around me. And I wonder again, which me is the truth here, because how can I be both? And I dont have an answer.

I will always have more questions than answers.

*chuckles* It never fails. I swear, every summer, the first day I get to spend any real time out side and enjoy the nice weather (currently 24 degrees celcius) I forget to wear sun screen and get a sun burn. Oh well, I had a great day bike riding around the city. Took pictures of baby geese, got an ECG done, checked how much it's going to cost me to get a new (good quality w/ spiral steel boning) corset... Yup, all in all, a good day. Now I just have to figure dinner out..

That was absolutely awesome! I timed my bike ride perfectly, so that the storm that has been rolling in all morning hit when I was about half way home. The wind and the rain felt absolutely fantastic. I'm a little bit soaked. *chuckles and grins* Wanna do it again!

Just another poem I havent read in years. I'd completely forgotten about this one.

Night Friends   By: S.J. Marks

What you taught me
     And how I remember it
     When I lie in the dark
I write on the cold trees.
I see what you see through the corner of my eyes.

Walking slowly
     We touch the empty silences
     That lie in wait, settling to slow
     Decay
We are here. These gray weathered branches
     Are facts

You meet me, your eyes, your lips, your yellow
     Hair blown among long grasses.
There you are.
This is the way it seems to happen

I am insane with words, with grief,
I am alone.
For two days now, the one sound inside my head
     Has been your name.




This is not how I feel right now, but it has been in the past. I thought I would share it, all the same. The other poem(?) makes me smile. This one has no happy memories. This one remembers only loss.

I must say, I quite like living close enough to work to come home for lunch.

Going out to Kananaskis today for the first time this spring! I dont think there will be any snow left up there, but I guess we'll see. Definitely be bringing the camera. *chuckles* It works so much better outside than in, unfortunately. Next camera will -definitely- have shake reduction.

The mountains are still all white. I stop and look at them every day at from the highest point of my bikeride. I love my home..

Wehee! I got the job! I start tomorrow morning at 8am sharp. Being only 10 minutes away from work is going to rock.