Ugh... someone slap me next time I decide to see what's happening in my friends life through her diary... ~felt like crying and throwing laptop across the room~ I know I'm mature... haha to think... I just wrote a diary and now I already have something else I need to vent about... is it any wonder I wanted to forget about it all... I mean come on... it still effects me like this? I'm pathetic...
I shouldn't let something like this depress me... I mean... bleh... I remember how Lacey would forget to call me... and I used to feel totally devistated... I guess it proves they're a better match ~smiles sadly~ like I tell everyone... I not nothing special... I'm a fuckup... and monster at times... not worth anyones time... I'm just Kayliegh... I know I shouldn't let it get to me... but it upset me then... and now... hearing some things... well... I've already stated I'm not worth ones time. :-P
I used to be able to talk hours on end about everything and anything... now I'm left here... all but happy...
~sighs~ Lacey just called for the first time in a long while... Both Lacey and Amanda kinda... stopped calling a while back... as if... being just friends wasn't enough reason to really call... and now over time... it's hurt... been hurting... I knew hearing one of your voices would make me cry... be proud of me... because it wasn't noticable... and it was more at the end and out loud when she hung up. Be proud. I can't even talk to you guys without crying for how long you left me without either of your voices. Don't even think I want pity because I'm venting either... I just... have noone right now I can talk to... lol... it's been like this a while... I share my pain with people online I barely know... and friends online... but I can't really talk to either of my best friends about this... It'd be me wanting attention and pity... lord knows barely anyone reads my journal... but this would be a pretentious emo diary in the words of Lacey. So this is what I have... pretentious emo diaries to keep me sane... to give me someone to talk to... haha I'm pathetic... I'm like talking to myself basically... I have become something less then okay.
Feeling unamazing... Just sau you all have a sneak peek of my birthday.
- .. †Vermillion Butterfly† .. - This was the worst birthday I've ever had... -.-; says:
lol everyone got hammered so I stayed sober had to babysit them meanwhile the girl I was thinking about asking out was flirting with me then my friend edgar whom she started making out with then he left with aaron to get the weed and she was back to flirting with me kissed me then edgar got back then john came she started flirting with him, me john and her went inside to watch a movie.
- .. †Vermillion Butterfly† .. - This was the worst birthday I've ever had... -.-; says:
and she sat in his lap, then my mom left she sat on the couch and rubbed my leg with her foot so I ignored her, she fell asleep so I put a blanket on her then went to the bathroom, came out and she was outside went out and she was with edgar again
- .. †Vermillion Butterfly† .. - This was the worst birthday I've ever had... -.-; says:
and she'd flashed the boys earlier like when I was in the shower and she and edgar were asking for rubbers
- .. †Vermillion Butterfly† .. - This was the worst birthday I've ever had... -.-; says:
I left a small hickie on each shoulder, very tiny but she didn't pay much attention to me
I never do anything right why the fuck am I trying to fix friendships when they don't care and the first thing you try to do right is fucking wrong, I'm not perfect and it's not fair that I have to try to be from them after what I took from them last night... yeh true stuff... but it was still slaughter, shooting fucking fish in a bucket. Fuck it. Have a happy life, I'm not good enough to be a friend in your happy life then fine... sorry I'm not perfect. -.-;
I'll always know I'm not enough to even make you think.
So I've spent from the time I woke up till now crying... thinking about you as usual... everything bloodywell hurt, I forgot to take my antidepressant
And that's the last conversation with my memory of my Romeo... oh how I hurt... and all I can do is cry, she called me Juliet one last time... and I deleted her and Amanda... I hope they're happy... and I hope with time I can be happy... but never with the memories of them... I can't... and Amanda tried to say something about eyes... and she doesn't seem to get it that it hurts me so bad to talk to her... or maybe she does... and it doesn't matter to her... either way... tonight I need a good cry... and wanted to vent this here... now I'm off to listen to music and play video games to try and take my mind off this pain inside... all the drugs in the world couldn't numb this pain... they never will... I run from every problem... and I had to in this case... run... or force myself to hurt every day... every memory... I don't know if I can even go to kissing girls anymore... I just... maybe I wont even come back here... but that would be a shame... having made some new friends... but... fuck... too many memories... I don't know yet... everything is still hurting... I'll think about this in the morning.
And finally, one down and the other doesn't talk to me, so? Mission accomplished, she damnwell better treat her right...
It depresses me... it pisses me off... but there's nothing I can do about it. I just don't feel like talking to neither of you and yet you talk.
...[I find myself trying to stay by the phone Cause your voice always helps me not to feel so alone]... says:
well...miss I think we need to speak
...[I find myself trying to stay by the phone Cause your voice always helps me not to feel so alone]... says:
About a few things, but yes we must be speaking soon.
Why... why I'm wondering does she need to suddenly talk to me, I mean she hurts me enough by never talking to me... and not there's obviously something she wants to talk about that will hurt me more... why can't she just not bother and ignore me like she has been for the longest while... honestly what does how I'm feeling matter to her? Does she like knowing I'm in pain... I'm sitting here crying... lol I hate loving her... cause it's never going to work... and now she wants to talk to me... and I know I'll start crying... ugh I need to go take my antidepressant and not think about this... fuck it all. If I were to have died... neither of you would have known. Lol.
Girls only.
[♥]Whats your cup size -- B
[♥]Are you affraid of lesbians -- uhm... hells no?
[♥]Have you ever made out with another girl-- yeh..
[♥]Are you a virgin -- depends how you see it
[♥]Are you single -- yep
[♥]What do guys think of you -- I'm another guy, an ugly dyke, or should be bisexual
[♥]Do you wear make-up -- not often
Stole it from a friend because it reminds me of Lacey... ~sighs~
14 ways to know you love someone.
14. When you argue and fight with them, but still cant get them out of your mind...
13. When your on the phone with them late at night and they hang up but you miss them already when it was just five minutes ago...
12. You read their texts over and over again...
11. You walk really slow when you're with them...
10. You feel shy whenever you're with them...
9. When you think about them, your heart beats faster and faster...
8. You smile when you hear their voice...
7. When you look at them, you can't see the other people around
you... all you see is him/her...
6. You start listening to slow songs, while thinking of them...
5. They become all you think about...
4. You get high just from their scent and there kiss...
3. You realize that you're always smiling to yourself when you think about them...
2. You would do anything for them...
1. While reading this, there was one person on your mind the whole time
And I still miss her... and I still get jealous... so I'm trying to get a quick fuck... trying to tell myself I'll be alright, a quick fuck with someone I don't care about will make things better... but of course it wont... I guess... when I'm just feeling the most down I try to convince myself of childish impossible things... like that one I used to use... the one where I used to pretend she'd take me back someday ~cries~ it shouldn't still hurt like this... godamn bitch... letting me fall in love with her... why did she have to be so fucking great... why... why the fuck do I have to love her... why do I have to cry and wish I would just not wake up... waking up a day without her I just feel so fucked over by the world... so I put on smiles, fake charm... and flirt with any girl who'll let me... until I'm exausted so late that I wont cry... sometimes it doesn't work like tonight... I'm laying here... crying... thinking... typing... does she even know how much I love her... does she care... no... she's got feelings for other people... I don't get to talk to her at all... when Amanda does... and I lay here alone and sob... Mrew. It all just hurts... I used to hope not talking to her would make my love for her go away... but... no... the facts don't change... I love her... she doesn't love me... but now that we don't talk... it's just another reason to hurt... "I'm always wrapped up in things I cannot win. You were the antidote that got me by, like a drug that got me high. What I really meant to say was I'm sorry for the way I am." One more night to add another emo pretentious diary... lord knows it wont be the last about her... cause I already know... I'm not going to feel like I did with her with anybody else... unfortunately that's not a lie to myself. So I'll wake up tomorrow, pretend like crying my night away never happened... come online... hope some girl I could never love like I loved her will be on so I can be a flirty prick... and die a little more inside. I hope my heart dies soon... I rather honestly be a heartless prick, fucking, forgetting, not thinking about her... noone... not caring... I wish I were cold... strong. I guess for me there's just no hope. I'm dead without my Romeo... all I have left are words she wrote on a crumpled paper beside my bed... she will always be my Romeo who will never be mine... and I her dead memory of a Juliet she once knew who died of a broken heart as new sweethearts are found. On the same idea... I had a dream with her in it... In the dream... she came down... wanted to do things... and at first I was reluctant... but my dream self went through with it... then after the dream her turned a cold shoulder. I know that's not how it went... but sometimes it feels like it... one of those little kid things I try to convince myself in hopes that I'll stop feeling like this and hate her... hate is so much easier then this pain I feel... I wish I could hate her. Instead... I'm cursed with this pain called love. My Romeo... these wells run deep with the tears I weep, with this everlasting love that will never again be returned. I made it a mutual break-up that I never wanted... because... you never knew it... but hearing you say lets love for now, forever isn't real anymore... hurt... and it still cuts so deep... because when I said forever... when I told you forever... I didn't lie. I will love you forever... no matter how much I wish it away... "I guess for me there's just no hope."
Neither of them call me... and though one still holds me and listens to me... I'm pretty sure to them I'm no longer a best friend... it hurts... but then again you would suspect losing the two best things in life would... so I'm going to cry myself to sleep... wonder how many tears I've shed over these two combined...
ALANIS MORISSETTE LYRICS
"You Oughta Know"
I want you to know, that I'm happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me
Would she go down on you in a theatre
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother
Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, till you died
But you're still alive
And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know
You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her
Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, til you died
But you're still alive
And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know
Cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me
And I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it...well can you feel it
And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know
Evanescence - Solitude Lyrics
How many times have you told me you love her
As many times as I've wanted to tell you the truth
How long have I stood here beside you
I live through you
You looked through me
Ooh, Solitude,
Still with me is only you
Ooh, Solitude,
I can't stay away from you
How many times have I done this to myself
How long will it take before I see
When will this hole in my heart be mended
Who now is left alone but me
Ooh, Solitude,
Forever me and forever you
Ooh, Solitude,
Only you, only true
Everyone leaves me stranded
Forgotten, abandoned, left behind
I can't stay here another night
Your secret admirer
Who could it be
Ooh, Can't you see
All along it was me
How can you be so blind
As to see right through me
And Ooh, Solitude,
Still with me is only you
Ooh, Solitude,
I can't stay away from you
Ooh, Solitude,
Forever me and forever you
Ooh, Solitude,
Only you, only true
STABBING WESTWARD LYRICS
"I Remember"
Do you ever wonder where
We would be if we'd have tried
A little harder?
It seems like yesterday
That we were making plans
For the future
But it's been so long
Since I have known the truth
These dreams we've left abandoned
And I'm haunted by your face
And the memory of your kisses
Sweet kisses
Do you remember?
I still remember so much
I remember never feeling so alive
Do you remember?
I still can't forget your touch
We swore that we would never end
We knew our love transcend space and time
Do you remember?
I still remember so much
I remember never feeling so alive
Do you remember?
I still can't forget your touch
We swore that we would never end
These memories slip away
The ghost of what we were
Is fading
But there is no more pain
Which is funny 'cause that night
I was dying
Now I don't even recognize
The girl I swore that someday
I would marry
But I can't forget her face
And I can't forget her kisses
Sweet kisses
Do you remember?
I still remember so much
Or how we swore that we would never be alone
Do you remember?
I still remember so much
I remember never feeling so alive
Do you remember?
'Cause I still remember so much
We swore that we would never end
We knew our love transcend space and time
Do you remember?
God I remember so much
STABBING WESTWARD LYRICS
"Shame"
I only see myself reflected in your eyes
So all that I believe I am essentially are lies
And everything I've hoped to be or ever thought I was
Died with your belief in me so who the hell am I?
I'm wondering 'round confused
Wondering why I try
The more that you deny my pain
The more it intensifies...
I pray for someone to ache for me the way I ache for you...
If you ignore that I'm alive
I've nothing to cling to
I stare in this mirror
So tired of this life
If only you would speak to me or care if I'm alive
Once I swore I would die for you
But I never meant it like this
I never meant like this
no i never meant like this
I don't know if I'm real without you
What is left of me without you?
I don't know whats real without you
How can I exist without you?
NINE INCH NAILS LYRICS
"Something I Can Never Have"
I still recall the taste of your tears.
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears.
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore.
Scraping through my head 'till I don't want to sleep anymore.
[Chorus:]
Come on tell me.
You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I'm down to just one thing.
And I'm starting to scare myself.
You make this all go way.
You make this all go way.
I just want something.
I just want something I can never have
You always were the one to show me how
Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now.
This thing is slowly taking me apart.
Grey would be the color if I had a heart.
Come on tell me
[chorus]
In this place it seems like such a shame.
Though it all looks different now,
I know it's still the same
Everywhere I look you're all I see.
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be.
[chorus]
I just want something.
I just want something I can never have
I just want something I can never have
Think I know what you meant.
That night on my bed.
Still picking at this scab
I wish you were dead.
You sweat and perry ellis.
Just stains on my sheets.
Artist: Chester Bennington vs. Julien-K Lyrics
Song: Morning After Lyrics
Caught up against the wall again,
Tied my chain to the ball again,
It never seems to amaze my mind
So I just sleep, sleep, sleep,
Sleep, sleep, sleep!
Please don't...
Wake me 'til the morning after
Wake me 'til the morning after
Cut and bruised by the fall again
Lick my wounds like a dog again
Is that a light at the end of the tunnel that I see, I see
Please let it be but don't wake me 'til the morning after
Wake me 'til the morning after
Wake me 'til the morning after
I'm so tired, there has got to be an end
To the pain I feel when I'm awake and alive, alive, alive
Alive and I'm dreaming
Caught up against the wall again,
Tied my chain to the ball again,
It never seems to amaze my mind
So I just sleep, sleep, sleep,
Sleep, sleep, sleep!
Please don't...
Wake me 'til the morning after
Wake me 'til the morning after
Wake me 'til the morning after
I'm so tired, there has got to be an end
To the pain I feel when I'm awake and alive, alive, alive
Alive and I'm dreaming...Cau
Tied my chain to the ball again,
It never seems to amaze my mind
So I just sleep, sleep, sleep,
Sleep, sleep, sleep!
Please don't...
Wake me 'til the morning after
Wake me 'til the morning after
Cut and bruised by the fall again
Lick my wounds like a dog again
Is that a light at the end of the tunnel that I see, I see
Please let it be but don't wake me 'til the morning after
Wake me 'til the morning after
Wake me 'til the morning after
I'm so tired, there has got to be an end
To the pain I feel when I'm awake and alive, alive, alive
Alive and I'm dreaming
Caught up against the wall again,
Tied my chain to the ball again,
It never seems to amaze my mind
So I just sleep, sleep, sleep,
Sleep, sleep, sleep!
Please don't...
Wake me 'til the morning after
Wake me 'til the morning after
Wake me 'til the morning after
I'm so tired, there has got to be an end
To the pain I feel when I'm awake and alive, alive, alive
Alive and I'm dreaming...