Becoming a vegitarian is honestly going to be hard... I mean I like meat... but that dvd I saw... really made me think about the slaughtering of animals to please my tastebuds... and I'm not willing to do it... I mean I'm sitting here and I just ate an apple... and I bet a bizillion bucks I feel hungry because I'm craving meat... but I'm not going to eat it no matter what. Vegitarian and Vaginatarian. <3. I mean... would you eat your pet?

So now I might not be going to warped... -.-;

[- .-. Dirtbag .-. - Fuck all this... says:]
I got my dad to buy me and my friends a 24 we payed for it but aaron got too smashed he passed out and me and this small girl named holly had to bring him to my porch he wouldn't come inside cause he was totally out so his mom found him passed out on my porch called me then my mom and I had to say I stole the 24 from my dad and that it was only me and aaron drinking it I had 3-5 at the

[- .-. Dirtbag .-. - Fuck all this... says:]
most I'm not a dumbass who gets totally fucked up ~sighs~ I'm a dumbass who has dumbass friends

[- .-. Dirtbag .-. - Fuck all this... says:]
anywho then my mom thinged at this other girl who'd been over earlier cause the drunk guy said she brought alcohol and this lying son of a bitch that lives next door tried to tell my mom Aaron and I tried to buy weed off him

[- .-. Dirtbag .-. - Fuck all this... says:]
she did have alcohol, but I denied it cause I'm no nark

[- .-. Dirtbag .-. - Fuck all this... says:]
and so I'm letting myself take most of the blame and aaron

[- .-. Dirtbag .-. - Fuck all this... says:]
all because aaron passed out

[- .-. Dirtbag .-. - Fuck all this... says:]
I'm stupid I know but I'm not alloud out of the house unless I am cutting lawn or doing chores lol

[m i c a l a | cry me a river and drown in it says:]
I never understand the reasons behind people drinking alcohol.

[- .-. Dirtbag .-. - Fuck all this... says:]
I like the occasional drinking but aaron ~sighs~

Tonight was the first time I cried about them again... my two best friends I can never talk to... my two ex girlfriends that I loved... love rather... and totally messed up with... and thinking how they're so happy together... how I never made them feel as they make eachother feel... how one of the people that means the most to me... seems to hate me... I had to block her... I had to block her after some hurtful things she said... and because I make her that way... that's how horrible of a person I am.

"Now he's guilt-striken with his head on the floor." Lol... fav song at the moment... yeh... mrow... I know... this is an emo pretentious diary... but I still haven't found anyone I feel as close to as I did them... I still haven't found someone who's shoulder I wanted to lean on cause they honestly made it feel not so painful... and it's hard... realising I've lost these two people in my life... but it's best not talking to them... for them and me... I mean... I cry more often when we're in contact... and I always brought the most horrible out of them... made them feel like shit...

I deserve every feeling behind every tear I've shed over them... they may never believe I loved them... but I know I did then... I do now... and I always will... and I just... have to come to terms... with never talking to them again... making them smile... having someone to hold me... giving them someone to hold them... I have to come to terms that it is my fault... and I'm not looking for a pity trip... but it's about 5:15 am now... and the only two people I would talk to about this stuff... are the two that aren't in my life...

I force myself not to think about it... and it works most times... I mean... the last time I cried was a while ago... well not true... but the last time I cried about this situation was a long time ago... the last time I cried... was when the cops and medics were asking me for my dad's healthcard, his license... other shit I couldn't find for so long... and I started crying, not because my dad was being taken away in an ambulence... I knew he was just in discomfort because of his disability... and that it was basically just a bump into our vehicle... but... I was crying because... I didn't know what I was doing... I was sitting there alone... looking for this stuff and just overwhelmed... I was like a fucking child... looking in the vehicle for my dads wallet... trying to fight away tears... what the fuck is wrong with me... and than when my dad came and picked me up from my aunts... I felt pissed off... he kept trying to talk to me... I kept singing to Verve Pipe - Freshman over and over, louder and louder hoping he'd get the hint... till finally I just told him I didn't want to talk...

I don't know what was up with me that day... and earlier that day I cried to... but I forced myself to laugh... I mean... they were laughing at me... so I made myself laugh... even though having Kristi just laugh kinda hurt... so I laughed with tears rolling down my cheeks... we had been playing a game... I closed my eyes, spun ten times... and got up on the equipment... going to the slide... sitting in it and going down a bit... thinking it was a small side since I'd never been on this equipment before I attempted to jump over the side... sometimes I wish I cheated at games like everyone else seems to -.-; anyways... fell on my elbow... and lets face it... I've always been a wimp... I finally opened my eyes when I stood up... my elbow was bleeding pretty bad... the gravel moved where my elbow had landed and so hit against the ground... Kristi and Nic were laughing... I was crying... I hate crying infront of people... I mean... of course I cry... but... ~sighs~ they were laughing so I just forced myself to laugh as tears rolled down. It's just a not so pretty scrape... a lot of redish skin... mrow.

~shrugs~ and I realised something... I can't really ever be serious with Kristi... she's still wearing the bracelet I gave her, and the ring from the machine... and she even kinda hugged me back when I left... but mrew... I don't know... I guess just writting this down... is the best I've got now that they're gone... lol :-P I can't even believe how fucking pathetic I am. I go through the days getting hammered and stoned when I can... cheap tricks to make me forget how I used to lay here all night talking online or on the phone... to make me forget how amazing holding Laceys hand in mine was...

I mean... that has to be one of my favourite memories that I have so far... just my hand in hers as we walked... I guess I was kinda clingy when she was down when I think about it now.

Either way... I am glad they're happy together... I just wish it didn't hurt me... but that would be wishing I hadn't screwed up... and in turn that would be wishing I never met them... and if I'd never met them... they'd have never met eachother... and know what... I would never wish that... they make eachother happy... and I want the two most important people that I've had in my life happy... and now... I'm going to try to stop crying... sleep... wake up tomorrow with a fresh slate of trying to forget them... and drink myself into the ground... "I wont be held responsible, she fell in love in the first place."

I'm fucking scared cause Alex was supposed to call Aarons cell and we got a call from alex's and aaron could hear alex in the backround then the voice of a little boy or girl saying "he wont listen to me sir" and there's no little kids there not to mention anyone polite enough to use sir... and it was aaron and us 5 girls all out at 1:30am... and we all started freaking out cept him cause he's drunk. I'm still freaking scared...

THE REAL YOU


Would you rather...


[] Ask someone out.
[x] Be asked out.


[] Have a sunny day.
[x] Have a rainy day.


[] Be blind.
[x] Be deaf.


[] Go sky diving.
[x] Go skuba diving.


[] Have it be Winter all year round.
[x] Have it be Summer all year round.


[] Be beautiful.
[x] Be loved. (Thing is... normally when you fall in love you find the person you're with beautiful...)


[] Take a bath.
[x] Take a shower.


[x] Be born poor and die rich.
[] Be born rich and die poor.


[x] Never have to go to school.
[ ] Never have to go to the dentist.


[] Never feel physical pain
[] Never feel emotional pain.
[x] never feel any pain


[x] Wear contacts.
[] Wear braces.


[x] Be parralized.
[] Be specail ed.



[x] Be rich and ugly.
[] Be poor and hot.


[] Have AIDS.
[x] Have Cancer.


[ ] Have a hot mean dumb bf..gf.
[x] Have an ugly nice smart bf..gf. (Chances are I wouldn't find them ugly :S )


[x] Wear black and white.
[] Wear bright colors.


--------------


You are


[]Short. 5'0 & Shorter.
[] 5'1 - 5'3.
[x] 5'4-5'6.
[] 5'7 - 5'9.
[] 5'10 - 6'1.
[] Tall. 6'2 & Taller.


Naturally


[] Blonde.
[] Strawberry Blonde.
[] Redhead.
[] Auburn.
[] Brunette.
[] Dirty Blonde.
[] Light Brown.
[x] Dark Brown.
[] Black.
[] Don't Remember.


[] Blue-Eyed.
[] Brown-Eyed.
[] Green eyed.
[x] Hazel Eyed.
[] Grey-Eyed.
[] Silver/Grey-Eyed.
[x]Blue/Green-Eyed.
[] Blue/Grey-Eyed.
[] Change Colors


You Have/Had


[] Glasses.
[] Contacts.
[] Braces.


Hair Length


[x] Short.
[] Medium.
[] Long Hair.
[] Bald.


You Like Listening To


[] Country.
[] Classical.
[x] Techno.
[x] Oldies.
[] Opera.
[] Reggae.
[x] Emo.
[x] 80's.
[] Disco.
[x] Metal.
[x] Rock.
[x] Rap/HipHop.
[x] R&B
[x] Classic rock.
[] Polka
[] Gospel


Brands You Like


[] American Eagle.
[] Hollister.
[] The Buckle
[] Abercrombie & Fitch.
[] Wet Seal.
[] O'Neill.
[] PacSun.
[] Aeropostale
[] Dickies.
[] Roxy.
[] Guess.
[] Hot Topic.
[x] Spencers.
[] Tripp
[] Champs.
[] Old Navy.
[] Volcom.
[] Forever 21
[] Limited Too.
[] Goodwill.
[] foxy lady
[] 2 Cute
[x] Other thrift stores.
[x] If I like it I'll wear it.
[x] Other


Your Confessions


[x] I am really ticklish
[] I've collected comic books.
[] I read and watch the news.
[X] I LOVE Disney movies!
[X] I don't like killing bugs. i dont like touching them.. other people kill them for me.
[x] I'm a pretty good cook.
[x] I have worn pajamas to class.
[] I like Martha Stewart.
[] Ozzy is my hero.
[] I like church.
[] I always do my homework.
[x] I still have my pokemon cards.
[x] I like sneezing.
[]x You like danceing in your underwear.
[x] You like to play video games.
[x] you watch cartoons.


repost this "the real you"

Revistited an old favourite today...

A PERFECT CIRCLE
"Blue"

I didn't want to know
I just didn't want to know
Best to keep things in the shallow end
Cause I never quite learned how to swim

I just didn't want to know
Didn't want, didn't want,
Didn't want, didn't want

Close my eyes just to look at you
Taken by the seamless vision
I close my eyes,
Ignore the smoke,
Ignore the smoke,
Ignore the smoke

Call an optimist, she's turning blue
Such a lovely color for you
Call an optimist, she's turning blue
While I just sit and stare at you

Because I don't want to know
I didn't want to know
I just didn't want to know
I just didn't want

Mistook the nods for an approval
Just ignore the smoke and smile

Call an optimist, she's turning blue
Such a lovely color for you
Call an optimist, she's turning blue
Such a perfect color for your eyes
Call an optimist, she's turning blue
Such a lovely color for you
Call an optimist, she's turning blue
While I just sit and stare at you

I don't want to know

How can I escape you in reality... if you still haunt me in my dreams... both of you were in my dream... and when she wasn't around we kissed... I barely dreamed about the such when we were together and I would have appreciated the dream... but now... when everythings so wonderfully terrible... ~sighs~ lol it happens though... and I'll deal.

Yellowcard - Firewater Lyrics

You sat me down beside myself

To show me all the reasons I was wrong for you

Was this for real? It's hard to tell

'Cause it was such a beautiful mess we had got into



I'm gonna overcome this, paper hearts can't win this time

And all along I should have known this wasn't your dream, it was
mine

I know you wanted me to give up this life to be

Everything I was back when you had the hands my heart was in



I was never good at goodbye...



Can I swallow this bottle whole?

So this brain in my head can forget your face



When we were starting out, you believed in me without a doubt

You were the finest thing to happen to a boy like me

It's so much harder now, I wanna try and tell you how

There is so much love in me, even though it's hard to see



And I was never good at goodbye...



Can I swallow this bottle whole?

So this brain in my head can forget your face

Can I swallow this bottle whole?

'Cause I'd rather be dead than make more mistakes



Today I couldn't stay awake

Feels like I'm drowning in this firewater lake

I won't be sleeping much tonight

It's not the same without you lying by my side

(Right beside me)



Can I swallow this bottle whole?

So this brain in my head can forget your face

Can I swallow this bottle whole?

'Cause I'd rather be dead than make more mistakes



I know you wanted me to give up my life to be

(Can I swallow this bottle whole?)

Everything I am when you're the only thing that I can see

(Can I swallow this bottle whole?)

I'm sorry but you're not the, not the only one for me

(So this brain in my head can forget your face)



You left me here beside myself

Left me with all the reasons why I was wrong for you

With all that's been going on lately... I never got a chance to say ~smiles~ I went to London... had some laughs, took some pictures... and had an overall amazing time... I held Kristi's hand... you have no clue how long I'd been trying to work up the courage to do so... and she held it back... even though my brother... my sister... and my dad were pissed off at me, none of it mattered... cause... she held my hand back ~smiles~ I guess... I don't get enough hugs... have anyone to really hold me... so even something that might seem insignificant to one... seems so significant to me...

Since in the convo I posted below... you said these words meant nothing to you... well they mean a lot to me... so now I can finally post them I guess... They will always sit beside my bed and play in my head. I'll try to figure out when my Romeo became a prick. <3

Do I dare play Romeo?
You my Juliet.
Knowing how the tale ends
The grave for two
Like needles through skin
Your lasting shivers sends
How did you manage
To get so close
When I close my eyes
I hear your voice
I know your intensions
The tease.
I want to say thank you
That I love you.
I don't mind being yours
Because I know you're mine.

-Lacey [Bleeding_Black]

Oh screw this, now she's here spying on my diary's after wanting to not talk to me, what a fucking liar... that's all she fucking is. Yeh I bet you're reading this Lacey, fuck off and block me or something instead of bothering me here too.

No... she's not a monster... but rather... cruel beyond any other I've known...

Just found out, hard to swallow when you're upset... I wonder why that is... or why it's so hard to smoke when you're bawling... I mean you should inhale more sobbing like this... but I seem to be getting nothing... this shit... all this fucking pain... isn't pain you survive supposed to make me stronger... because it's just like a fucking wave... this pain is a wave... and I'm a pillar it's wearing out at the knees... there's not a lot left before I fall... I'm going to be crazy by time I'm 30... and by that I mean clinically mad... I just know it... all this shit above my head... everything that I've fucked up... the two best people I fucked up with... having to be reminded by fucking everything... by the songs we used to listen to by stories by journal entries, when I lay my head on my pillow, when my thoughts wander, when I see any fucking redhead... Amanda's profile... I'm going to go crazy... haha... I remember laughing and crying before... lol... I thought I was going mad than lmao... if I'd known then that I'd be dealing with this... lmfao... ~sighs and wipes eyes~ I think I'm going to have a calm spell... listening to Glasseater - Alone in this world without you

Nothing seems to want to go right lately... today was the day I thought about taking all my antidepressants and drinking some alcohol and seeing what happened... but as anyone who knows me knows... I'm not strong enough... so instead I'm sitting here bawling... stuffing my face... and smoking... their relationship is supposed to be none of my business but now I'm in this fucking story? I was already upset and crying because I was supposed to meet Kristi again today and she's going to think I stood her up... but that didn't compare to when I started reading the story... I stopped about where me and Lacey got together and I couldn't force myself to read anymore... just what I needed... gods I wish I was brave enough to fucking just go through with it... I'm honestly sick of this... and of all the things they accuse me for wanting someone to pine over... look at me... WHAT FUCKING KIND OF PERSON ASKS FOR THIS SHIT, THIS EMOTIONAL FUCKING PAIN... what kinda fucking person... oh, prolly a pretentious emo... which I also am in their eyes, so I guess it all makes sense now... how the hell wasn't I clear on it before, alright, off to cry and be emo.

As I lay my head to sleep,
I pray my soul I will not keep,
for wake without it I'll shed no tears,
I'll be the thing of a monsters fears,
unable to be hurt ever by you,
willingly dead because your words shot true,
no longer a minion suffering on this plane,
for in death we no longer feel pain.

KTCM

Ugh... someone slap me next time I decide to see what's happening in my friends life through her diary... ~felt like crying and throwing laptop across the room~ I know I'm mature... haha to think... I just wrote a diary and now I already have something else I need to vent about... is it any wonder I wanted to forget about it all... I mean come on... it still effects me like this? I'm pathetic...

I shouldn't let something like this depress me... I mean... bleh... I remember how Lacey would forget to call me... and I used to feel totally devistated... I guess it proves they're a better match ~smiles sadly~ like I tell everyone... I not nothing special... I'm a fuckup... and monster at times... not worth anyones time... I'm just Kayliegh... I know I shouldn't let it get to me... but it upset me then... and now... hearing some things... well... I've already stated I'm not worth ones time. :-P

I used to be able to talk hours on end about everything and anything... now I'm left here... all but happy...

~sighs~ Lacey just called for the first time in a long while... Both Lacey and Amanda kinda... stopped calling a while back... as if... being just friends wasn't enough reason to really call... and now over time... it's hurt... been hurting... I knew hearing one of your voices would make me cry... be proud of me... because it wasn't noticable... and it was more at the end and out loud when she hung up. Be proud. I can't even talk to you guys without crying for how long you left me without either of your voices. Don't even think I want pity because I'm venting either... I just... have noone right now I can talk to... lol... it's been like this a while... I share my pain with people online I barely know... and friends online... but I can't really talk to either of my best friends about this... It'd be me wanting attention and pity... lord knows barely anyone reads my journal... but this would be a pretentious emo diary in the words of Lacey. So this is what I have... pretentious emo diaries to keep me sane... to give me someone to talk to... haha I'm pathetic... I'm like talking to myself basically... I have become something less then okay.

Feeling unamazing... Just sau you all have a sneak peek of my birthday.

- .. †Vermillion Butterfly† .. - This was the worst birthday I've ever had... -.-; says:
lol everyone got hammered so I stayed sober had to babysit them meanwhile the girl I was thinking about asking out was flirting with me then my friend edgar whom she started making out with then he left with aaron to get the weed and she was back to flirting with me kissed me then edgar got back then john came she started flirting with him, me john and her went inside to watch a movie.
- .. †Vermillion Butterfly† .. - This was the worst birthday I've ever had... -.-; says:
and she sat in his lap, then my mom left she sat on the couch and rubbed my leg with her foot so I ignored her, she fell asleep so I put a blanket on her then went to the bathroom, came out and she was outside went out and she was with edgar again
- .. †Vermillion Butterfly† .. - This was the worst birthday I've ever had... -.-; says:
and she'd flashed the boys earlier like when I was in the shower and she and edgar were asking for rubbers
- .. †Vermillion Butterfly† .. - This was the worst birthday I've ever had... -.-; says:
I left a small hickie on each shoulder, very tiny but she didn't pay much attention to me

I never do anything right why the fuck am I trying to fix friendships when they don't care and the first thing you try to do right is fucking wrong, I'm not perfect and it's not fair that I have to try to be from them after what I took from them last night... yeh true stuff... but it was still slaughter, shooting fucking fish in a bucket. Fuck it. Have a happy life, I'm not good enough to be a friend in your happy life then fine... sorry I'm not perfect. -.-;