[Ktcm]'s diary
An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, and mending fences. I guess I am."
After a short while he asked her what she was. She replied, "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
Don't kid yourself you like who I am.
Don't tell me you love me.
I fucking hate myself.
You don't even know how much of a fake I am.
No, I'm not emo.
I'm just a fucked up teen.
I hate weirding people out... makes me feel... not happy... >>;
* °×Muffiver×° * ^^; Add my new email Muffiver@hotma
~nods~ yer... but I tend not to be... so I dun weird people out <<;
kristina says:
you weird me out
kristina says:
haha
* °×Muffiver×° * ^^; Add my new email Muffiver@hotma
... ouff... sorreh >>;
kristina says:
haha its ok
* °×Muffiver×° * ^^; Add my new email Muffiver@hotma
<<; mrew
She gets the feeling I ish flirting with her or something... I flirt with everyone kiddingly :S well not flirt even... but call doll, hun, the such... mrew >>; I hate weirding people out.
Today I ended up taking a little hit... little as I could... why do my friends need me to smoke weed, this is it for a long time if at all again. Gosh. ~sighs~
Alright... I became a vegetarian on August 13th... I weighed myself and recorded it August Tuesday 15th and by September I had lost 4.4 lb. From September Sat 9th to October Mon 2nd I lost 3.6 lb. That's 8 lb in two months. It's about 12:47 am now so I'm counting today as Sunday, October 8th. Between Monday and today I have lost 2.8 lb. I never really thought about losing weight... I just started recording my weight a while back, before becoming a vegetarian so I could see if I was gaining weight quickly and such... because I don't think I've ever really lost weight... just gained or stayed at the same weight. I used to be thin when I was young, about grade 5 or 6 though I started gaining weight. Though I never really planned on losing weight I'm kind of excited about it. I mean I'm still overweight, I'm still a big girl but I guess it's nice getting to a healthier weight. Maybe the greater loss in weight within not even a week parshly has to do with fair though... lots of walking around and like 20 extra pounds on my back since I was the only one of my friends who brought a backpack. :-P
Apart from losing weight though I think I'm quiting drugs and alcohol. I'm making an attempt at cutting down on smoking but not doing a good job. The good news there? We don't have money to buy smokes anymore... I have 13 smokes left. That wont last me all of tomorrow and then it's a matter of a smoke here and there from a friend. Then I stop myself from asking for smokes. My friends may call me a quitter but in one night I kind of thought my life through. I'm going to attend school everyday. I'm changing myself. I'm going to do my best to better myself.
Every night, someone thinks about you before they go to sleep.
At least 15 people in this world love you in some way. The only reason someone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you. There are at least 2 people in this world that would die for you. You mean
the world to someone. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look again. Always remember the compliments you received and forget the rude remarks.
Ignore the last post if you read my diary people... it was nothing but babbling while hysterical. I don't even have recollition of what I typed and I wont look because now that I'm better no need to. Though now once again I'm slightly afraid... I feel how I used to... depression and crying... and now... I feel cold like nothing is mattering or penetrating past skin. No I'm talking about literal... I did a real test of strength today with the thoughts I have been having lightly and I believe it's safe to say I wont harm myself as while hysterical I recall standing and staring at the blade in my room. That's all though. Stare and a fleeting thought of slitting my wrists than I went downstairs. Though I highly doubt one would be all that worried anyway... I'm quite a pesk now that I think on it. Ah well... when I'm emotionally detached I realise a lot about myself I suppose. To all those I annoy, hurt, or really cause any negative feelings to... appoligies.
I need someone to stop this... someone to call me stupid. Childish. Someone to beat me until I realise I have no reason to be crying. Sure my mom's not around. Sure I don't know if my parents are getting seperated... sure I don't know if we're moving... but it could always be worst. I need someone to make me stop thinking of suicidal things. No I don't think I'll do anything... but when driving in the vehicle I think of how it would be to crash... to swerve off the road... to jump out of the vehicle infront of another while passing, to go flying through the windshield... and the thoughts came on without any provocation. Sure crap is going on... but I don't think I was even depressed last night... and today... I didn't go to school, I read all morning and when I stopped... I just started crying... and I'm not sure what I want... wether I want someone to beat me... someone to hold me... or to entirely be left alone. The only thing at the moment I'm certain of... is I think I'm going crazy and I don't know why. I haven't been depressed in a while... and now I sit here thinking this is what I used to do... listen to Stabbing Westward, read... stay home and cry. I don't want to be this... my friends helped me get away from this. IDON'TWANTTHIS
I'm hung over... still pissed at my "friends". Ugh I feel like death ran over. Anyways the main reason I'm writing this entry is because once again I'm not sure about the moving thing... in the part of the paper where there's houses, apartments and crap like that... a lot of the adds are circled... and the ones circled are crossed out... I think I heard my dad cry last night aswell... I don't know anything... I have to deal with these friendships... and this family stuff... what next... me somehow getting locked up in jail?
1.Your Full Name:
2. Age:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favorite Movie:
5. Favorite Song:
6. Favorite Band/Artist:
7. Dirty or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:
HERE COMES THE FUN ... ... ...
1. Do we know each other outside of elftown?
2. Whats your philosophy on life?
3. Would you have my back in a fight?
4. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
5. What is your favorite memory of us?
6. Would you give me a kidney?
7. Tell me one odd/intresting fact about you:
8. Would you take care of me when I'm sick?
9. Can we get together and make a cake?
10. Have you heard any rumors of me lately?
11. Do you/have you talk(ed) crap about me?
12. Do you think I'm a good person?
13. Would you drive across country with me?
14. Where is your favorite place in the world?
15. If you could change anything about me, would you?
16. What do you wear to sleep?
17. Would you come over for no reason just to hang out?
18. Whats your favorite cartoon?
19. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
20. Would you be a fellow ninja with me?
21. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?
Song Survey
1 - Put your music player on shuffle
2 - Press forward for each question.
3 - Use the song title as the answer to the question.
4 - Don't be petty enough to cheat on something as ridiculous as an online "meme" determined completely by chance, please.
______________
Song name (Artist)
1.) How am I feeling today?
St. Lawrence River (David Usher)
2.) Where will I get Married?
Victrola (Veruca Salt)
3.) What is my best friend's theme song?
Charge (Splendid)
4.) What is/was highschool like?
Reverie (Lacuna Coil)
5.) What is the best thing about me?
What drives the weak (Shadows Fall)
6.) How is today going to be?
Falling again (Lacuna Coil)
7.) What is in store for this weekend?
Suck (Kittie)
8.) What song describes my parents?:
Get this party started (Arm Strong) o.o;?
9.) How is my life going?
Shimmy Shimmy Quarter Turn (Hellogoodbye)
10.) What song will they play at my funeral?
Breaking The Habit (Linkin Park)
11.) How does the world see me?
We are all on drugs - Weezer
12.) What do my friends really think of me?
Where do we go from here (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
13.) Do people secretly lust after me?
Nerve (Luxt)
14.) How can I make myself happy?
Heart Shaped Box (Nirvana)
15.) What should I do with my life?
Pussy Sugar (Kittie)
16.) Will I ever have children?
Photobooth (Death Cab for Cutie)
17.) What is some good advice?
Iris (Goo Goo Dolls)
18.) What do I think my current theme song is?
Ice Queen Accoustic (Within Temptation)
19.) What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
Lithium (Nirvana)
20.) What type of men/women do you like?
Carry Me Home (Murmurs)
21.) Will you get married?:
Hit That (The Offspring)
22.) What should I do with my love life?
Sleeping Where I Want (Veruca Salt)
24.) Where will you live?
You Are So Last Summer (Taking Back Sunday)
25.) What will your dying words be?
Swing Life away (Rise Against)
Mmmk... so I've finally found out they may not be getting a divorce... from what I hear from both of their sides, but they're not alloud to talk to eachother or go near eachother for who knows how long, and I've gone all four days of school so far.
Written about Saturday 2006-08-26
Written: (6662 days ago)
Yeh... a lot of crap going on... my parents are getting a divorce... we're prolly moving... a lot... of crap... ~sighs~ I don't know if another school would let me in due to attendance...
Old but taking it off my page so putting it in here.
Watch me falling...
tears slipping faster...
leave me crawling...
master of disaster...
I want to defy...
to get off the ground...
soar into the sky...
breathless surrender found...
-Ktcm
Yeh... I reinstalled D2... Diablo II... meaning I'm not dead when I disapear for long times... I've melted to the computer screen to play D2 xD mmkies? I don't know if anyone here has it, but if you do and you wanna get ahold of me... Kaylieghmay is my account name.
What honestly pisses me off... Amanda just has to be a hater now. I'm sure everyone knows me pissed off means in tears or almost... I wish I wasn't a fucking wimp... I wish I could just shrug it off... not react... the whole deal, but I can't, I'm weak. Which makes this a pretentious emo diary right... well fuck, why do I even care... I said I wouldn't write about her... but I need something and here is the quickest... why the fuck do I care... I just try to do what I feel is right... and it's not good enough for her? Lmao, I wasn't doing it for anyone but myself... so she can go fuck herself... maybe I changed her by being a terrible girlfriend, but if I did I wish she never met me, cause if I created this bitch... well ~shrugs~ she was better off before she met me. Hopefully this is the last post about either of the bitches that I care about... but you never know when they'll send me more discouragement or hatemail since Amanda feels the need to put in her two sence about my life.
All I feel the need to say is if you don't like my opinions, shut the fuck up and keep it to yourself.
Alright... here's what's going on... I saw this in someone's house and couldn't help but comment.
all haters,u will be grinded like that chicken! =)
My Message to him:
Wow... takes a real big man to put a knife through a chicken...
His Reply:
i guess u want to feel my dagger on your back too.
Of course you didn't think I'd leave it at that:
On my back? Wouldn't you mean in? Sorry but unlike the dead chicken you quite manly overpower. (insert sarcasm here). I move and fight back. "Oh look at me, if you piss me off I'll cut you up like I cut up a dead chicken that posed no threat and was already dead therefor couldn't move but my knife through it's carcass makes me feel like I'm a manly man." Faggot. Get a life and do me a favor, go fight a bear or something and get your dumb ass killed.
and finally he's replied:
haheh whats your problem with this dead chicken?Did it peck your mother?im just having fun cant u see motherfucker?d
The stupidity wounded me so. ~rolls eyes~ My reply:
Wow... your bad grammer and spelling mistakes wound me so. You sure know how to hit the spot. (Note the sarcasm once again). I have no problems with dead chickens except for the fact that they are infact dead. That I can at least deal with, but an idiot thinking he's tough because he can poke a knife through it? My problem is idiots like you. Eternal power? How dumb of a shit are you? Seriously, go jump off a cliff or something or at least fade away and never have children for I pity any young being brought up by such an idiot as yourself.
With his quite intellegent reply:
fuck grammer,spelli
And so I say:
Well for not knowing me you're making far more assumptions where I'm just stating visable facts. Who fucks my sarcasms? Well noone that I'm aware of can... I don't believe it's possible to have sex with sarcasm. If you are to call me a transvestite and expect me not to reply than you're a complete idiot, especially when you state right after you can't know who I am. If you don't wish for my replies there's a simple way to stop them. It may not have crossed your mind but to block me or not reply just may work idiot. Though thats assuming you know how to block someone... I wouldn't trust you to have that much intellegence so maybe try the second method? Dumb shit.
Newest from the idiot:
do i have to block you?Dont u have a brain?dont u understand speechs?if u had a chance to say this words to my face,i would turn your face to your ass,believe me.should i pull to pieces a face an obeses like you and take a pic of it and then put it on there?what do u achieve when u write me like this message?do i care?maybe u are acting a man which u cant be in life..
And of course I wont let a message that horrible be the last:
First off... I want to say... that is the worst message I have ever recieved... you're lucky I can read idiot which you so fluently type and most likely speak. If you don't care why do you reply, and I'm far from acting like a man, because I don't care to be male. Quite honestly you give males a bad name.
Wth is all I have to say to his message:
english is not my native language so i can make mistakes,you dont need to read my messages.thats all i can.i live my life,why do i have to care others?there is no point in talking anymore.i love you..
Uhm yeh... guess that threw me off gaurd:
What the hell. If you're going to send a message I'm obviously going to reply. If there's no point in talking than don't talk... and don't say you love me. >>; Weirdo.
Uhm... His reply:
i dont like to make people sad normally,but u pushed me.dont hate me coz i dont hate you.
While I'm wondering if he's honestly retarded:
You're not making me sad... you're creeping me out you dumbshit and I don't hate you I just dislike you greatly.
Written about Monday 2006-08-14
Written: (6675 days ago)
Becoming a vegitarian is honestly going to be hard... I mean I like meat... but that dvd I saw... really made me think about the slaughtering of animals to please my tastebuds... and I'm not willing to do it... I mean I'm sitting here and I just ate an apple... and I bet a bizillion bucks I feel hungry because I'm craving meat... but I'm not going to eat it no matter what. Vegitarian and Vaginatarian. <3. I mean... would you eat your pet?
Written about Thursday 2006-08-10
Written: (6679 days ago)
So now I might not be going to warped... -.-;
[- .-. Dirtbag .-. - Fuck all this... says:]
I got my dad to buy me and my friends a 24 we payed for it but aaron got too smashed he passed out and me and this small girl named holly had to bring him to my porch he wouldn't come inside cause he was totally out so his mom found him passed out on my porch called me then my mom and I had to say I stole the 24 from my dad and that it was only me and aaron drinking it I had 3-5 at the
[- .-. Dirtbag .-. - Fuck all this... says:]
most I'm not a dumbass who gets totally fucked up ~sighs~ I'm a dumbass who has dumbass friends
[- .-. Dirtbag .-. - Fuck all this... says:]
anywho then my mom thinged at this other girl who'd been over earlier cause the drunk guy said she brought alcohol and this lying son of a bitch that lives next door tried to tell my mom Aaron and I tried to buy weed off him
[- .-. Dirtbag .-. - Fuck all this... says:]
she did have alcohol, but I denied it cause I'm no nark
[- .-. Dirtbag .-. - Fuck all this... says:]
and so I'm letting myself take most of the blame and aaron
[- .-. Dirtbag .-. - Fuck all this... says:]
all because aaron passed out
[- .-. Dirtbag .-. - Fuck all this... says:]
I'm stupid I know but I'm not alloud out of the house unless I am cutting lawn or doing chores lol
[m i c a l a | cry me a river and drown in it says:]
I never understand the reasons behind people drinking alcohol.
[- .-. Dirtbag .-. - Fuck all this... says:]
I like the occasional drinking but aaron ~sighs~
Tonight was the first time I cried about them again... my two best friends I can never talk to... my two ex girlfriends that I loved... love rather... and totally messed up with... and thinking how they're so happy together... how I never made them feel as they make eachother feel... how one of the people that means the most to me... seems to hate me... I had to block her... I had to block her after some hurtful things she said... and because I make her that way... that's how horrible of a person I am.
"Now he's guilt-striken with his head on the floor." Lol... fav song at the moment... yeh... mrow... I know... this is an emo pretentious diary... but I still haven't found anyone I feel as close to as I did them... I still haven't found someone who's shoulder I wanted to lean on cause they honestly made it feel not so painful... and it's hard... realising I've lost these two people in my life... but it's best not talking to them... for them and me... I mean... I cry more often when we're in contact... and I always brought the most horrible out of them... made them feel like shit...
I deserve every feeling behind every tear I've shed over them... they may never believe I loved them... but I know I did then... I do now... and I always will... and I just... have to come to terms... with never talking to them again... making them smile... having someone to hold me... giving them someone to hold them... I have to come to terms that it is my fault... and I'm not looking for a pity trip... but it's about 5:15 am now... and the only two people I would talk to about this stuff... are the two that aren't in my life...
I force myself not to think about it... and it works most times... I mean... the last time I cried was a while ago... well not true... but the last time I cried about this situation was a long time ago... the last time I cried... was when the cops and medics were asking me for my dad's healthcard, his license... other shit I couldn't find for so long... and I started crying, not because my dad was being taken away in an ambulence... I knew he was just in discomfort because of his disability... and that it was basically just a bump into our vehicle... but... I was crying because... I didn't know what I was doing... I was sitting there alone... looking for this stuff and just overwhelmed... I was like a fucking child... looking in the vehicle for my dads wallet... trying to fight away tears... what the fuck is wrong with me... and than when my dad came and picked me up from my aunts... I felt pissed off... he kept trying to talk to me... I kept singing to Verve Pipe - Freshman over and over, louder and louder hoping he'd get the hint... till finally I just told him I didn't want to talk...
I don't know what was up with me that day... and earlier that day I cried to... but I forced myself to laugh... I mean... they were laughing at me... so I made myself laugh... even though having Kristi just laugh kinda hurt... so I laughed with tears rolling down my cheeks... we had been playing a game... I closed my eyes, spun ten times... and got up on the equipment... going to the slide... sitting in it and going down a bit... thinking it was a small side since I'd never been on this equipment before I attempted to jump over the side... sometimes I wish I cheated at games like everyone else seems to -.-; anyways... fell on my elbow... and lets face it... I've always been a wimp... I finally opened my eyes when I stood up... my elbow was bleeding pretty bad... the gravel moved where my elbow had landed and so hit against the ground... Kristi and Nic were laughing... I was crying... I hate crying infront of people... I mean... of course I cry... but... ~sighs~ they were laughing so I just forced myself to laugh as tears rolled down. It's just a not so pretty scrape... a lot of redish skin... mrow.
~shrugs~ and I realised something... I can't really ever be serious with Kristi... she's still wearing the bracelet I gave her, and the ring from the machine... and she even kinda hugged me back when I left... but mrew... I don't know... I guess just writting this down... is the best I've got now that they're gone... lol :-P I can't even believe how fucking pathetic I am. I go through the days getting hammered and stoned when I can... cheap tricks to make me forget how I used to lay here all night talking online or on the phone... to make me forget how amazing holding Laceys hand in mine was...
I mean... that has to be one of my favourite memories that I have so far... just my hand in hers as we walked... I guess I was kinda clingy when she was down when I think about it now.
Either way... I am glad they're happy together... I just wish it didn't hurt me... but that would be wishing I hadn't screwed up... and in turn that would be wishing I never met them... and if I'd never met them... they'd have never met eachother... and know what... I would never wish that... they make eachother happy... and I want the two most important people that I've had in my life happy... and now... I'm going to try to stop crying... sleep... wake up tomorrow with a fresh slate of trying to forget them... and drink myself into the ground... "I wont be held responsible, she fell in love in the first place."