I'm thinking about adding more to that... but I don't know if I can... I mean... I'm not sure where that came from...
I don't know why but... I need to write... lol it's like a possession of sorts so here I go.
She leaned against the cold brick wall, pulling her hoodie around her tighter as the smoke slipped out past her lips. She wasn't sure what she was doing out here, the urge to run, to be gone. Instead she stood outside her building and flicked the butt into the dewey grass just to slip another stick of cancer out. Lighting the smoke she took a long haul and closed her eyes from the world to hide from it her tears. What the fuck was this world coming to. What was she coming to. Her habits, addictions, feelings, thoughts. She knew she wasn't the only one stuck in this place, but sometimes she felt it if only long enough for a smoke.
"Has it always been like this?"
She whispered under her breath, the smoke fleeing into the sky and disapearing.
"Pathetic."
Lawl... and so I just finished bawling my eyes out...
but that's okay...
that just makes it...
like...
4 or 5 times today...
but at least my chest doesn't hurt anymore...
Jesus Christ... someone give me a hug...
please?
Just one hug.
An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, and mending fences. I guess I am."
After a short while he asked her what she was. She replied, "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
Don't kid yourself you like who I am.
Don't tell me you love me.
I fucking hate myself.
You don't even know how much of a fake I am.
No, I'm not emo.
I'm just a fucked up teen.
I hate weirding people out... makes me feel... not happy... >>;
* °×Muffiver×° * ^^; Add my new email Muffiver@hotma
~nods~ yer... but I tend not to be... so I dun weird people out <<;
kristina says:
you weird me out
kristina says:
haha
* °×Muffiver×° * ^^; Add my new email Muffiver@hotma
... ouff... sorreh >>;
kristina says:
haha its ok
* °×Muffiver×° * ^^; Add my new email Muffiver@hotma
<<; mrew
She gets the feeling I ish flirting with her or something... I flirt with everyone kiddingly :S well not flirt even... but call doll, hun, the such... mrew >>; I hate weirding people out.
Today I ended up taking a little hit... little as I could... why do my friends need me to smoke weed, this is it for a long time if at all again. Gosh. ~sighs~
Alright... I became a vegetarian on August 13th... I weighed myself and recorded it August Tuesday 15th and by September I had lost 4.4 lb. From September Sat 9th to October Mon 2nd I lost 3.6 lb. That's 8 lb in two months. It's about 12:47 am now so I'm counting today as Sunday, October 8th. Between Monday and today I have lost 2.8 lb. I never really thought about losing weight... I just started recording my weight a while back, before becoming a vegetarian so I could see if I was gaining weight quickly and such... because I don't think I've ever really lost weight... just gained or stayed at the same weight. I used to be thin when I was young, about grade 5 or 6 though I started gaining weight. Though I never really planned on losing weight I'm kind of excited about it. I mean I'm still overweight, I'm still a big girl but I guess it's nice getting to a healthier weight. Maybe the greater loss in weight within not even a week parshly has to do with fair though... lots of walking around and like 20 extra pounds on my back since I was the only one of my friends who brought a backpack. :-P
Apart from losing weight though I think I'm quiting drugs and alcohol. I'm making an attempt at cutting down on smoking but not doing a good job. The good news there? We don't have money to buy smokes anymore... I have 13 smokes left. That wont last me all of tomorrow and then it's a matter of a smoke here and there from a friend. Then I stop myself from asking for smokes. My friends may call me a quitter but in one night I kind of thought my life through. I'm going to attend school everyday. I'm changing myself. I'm going to do my best to better myself.
Every night, someone thinks about you before they go to sleep.
At least 15 people in this world love you in some way. The only reason someone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you. There are at least 2 people in this world that would die for you. You mean
the world to someone. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look again. Always remember the compliments you received and forget the rude remarks.
Ignore the last post if you read my diary people... it was nothing but babbling while hysterical. I don't even have recollition of what I typed and I wont look because now that I'm better no need to. Though now once again I'm slightly afraid... I feel how I used to... depression and crying... and now... I feel cold like nothing is mattering or penetrating past skin. No I'm talking about literal... I did a real test of strength today with the thoughts I have been having lightly and I believe it's safe to say I wont harm myself as while hysterical I recall standing and staring at the blade in my room. That's all though. Stare and a fleeting thought of slitting my wrists than I went downstairs. Though I highly doubt one would be all that worried anyway... I'm quite a pesk now that I think on it. Ah well... when I'm emotionally detached I realise a lot about myself I suppose. To all those I annoy, hurt, or really cause any negative feelings to... appoligies.
I need someone to stop this... someone to call me stupid. Childish. Someone to beat me until I realise I have no reason to be crying. Sure my mom's not around. Sure I don't know if my parents are getting seperated... sure I don't know if we're moving... but it could always be worst. I need someone to make me stop thinking of suicidal things. No I don't think I'll do anything... but when driving in the vehicle I think of how it would be to crash... to swerve off the road... to jump out of the vehicle infront of another while passing, to go flying through the windshield... and the thoughts came on without any provocation. Sure crap is going on... but I don't think I was even depressed last night... and today... I didn't go to school, I read all morning and when I stopped... I just started crying... and I'm not sure what I want... wether I want someone to beat me... someone to hold me... or to entirely be left alone. The only thing at the moment I'm certain of... is I think I'm going crazy and I don't know why. I haven't been depressed in a while... and now I sit here thinking this is what I used to do... listen to Stabbing Westward, read... stay home and cry. I don't want to be this... my friends helped me get away from this. IDON'TWANTTHIS
I'm hung over... still pissed at my "friends". Ugh I feel like death ran over. Anyways the main reason I'm writing this entry is because once again I'm not sure about the moving thing... in the part of the paper where there's houses, apartments and crap like that... a lot of the adds are circled... and the ones circled are crossed out... I think I heard my dad cry last night aswell... I don't know anything... I have to deal with these friendships... and this family stuff... what next... me somehow getting locked up in jail?
1.Your Full Name:
2. Age:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favorite Movie:
5. Favorite Song:
6. Favorite Band/Artist:
7. Dirty or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:
HERE COMES THE FUN ... ... ...
1. Do we know each other outside of elftown?
2. Whats your philosophy on life?
3. Would you have my back in a fight?
4. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
5. What is your favorite memory of us?
6. Would you give me a kidney?
7. Tell me one odd/intresting fact about you:
8. Would you take care of me when I'm sick?
9. Can we get together and make a cake?
10. Have you heard any rumors of me lately?
11. Do you/have you talk(ed) crap about me?
12. Do you think I'm a good person?
13. Would you drive across country with me?
14. Where is your favorite place in the world?
15. If you could change anything about me, would you?
16. What do you wear to sleep?
17. Would you come over for no reason just to hang out?
18. Whats your favorite cartoon?
19. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
20. Would you be a fellow ninja with me?
21. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?
Song Survey
1 - Put your music player on shuffle
2 - Press forward for each question.
3 - Use the song title as the answer to the question.
4 - Don't be petty enough to cheat on something as ridiculous as an online "meme" determined completely by chance, please.
______________
Song name (Artist)
1.) How am I feeling today?
St. Lawrence River (David Usher)
2.) Where will I get Married?
Victrola (Veruca Salt)
3.) What is my best friend's theme song?
Charge (Splendid)
4.) What is/was highschool like?
Reverie (Lacuna Coil)
5.) What is the best thing about me?
What drives the weak (Shadows Fall)
6.) How is today going to be?
Falling again (Lacuna Coil)
7.) What is in store for this weekend?
Suck (Kittie)
8.) What song describes my parents?:
Get this party started (Arm Strong) o.o;?
9.) How is my life going?
Shimmy Shimmy Quarter Turn (Hellogoodbye)
10.) What song will they play at my funeral?
Breaking The Habit (Linkin Park)
11.) How does the world see me?
We are all on drugs - Weezer
12.) What do my friends really think of me?
Where do we go from here (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
13.) Do people secretly lust after me?
Nerve (Luxt)
14.) How can I make myself happy?
Heart Shaped Box (Nirvana)
15.) What should I do with my life?
Pussy Sugar (Kittie)
16.) Will I ever have children?
Photobooth (Death Cab for Cutie)
17.) What is some good advice?
Iris (Goo Goo Dolls)
18.) What do I think my current theme song is?
Ice Queen Accoustic (Within Temptation)
19.) What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
Lithium (Nirvana)
20.) What type of men/women do you like?
Carry Me Home (Murmurs)
21.) Will you get married?:
Hit That (The Offspring)
22.) What should I do with my love life?
Sleeping Where I Want (Veruca Salt)
24.) Where will you live?
You Are So Last Summer (Taking Back Sunday)
25.) What will your dying words be?
Swing Life away (Rise Against)
Mmmk... so I've finally found out they may not be getting a divorce... from what I hear from both of their sides, but they're not alloud to talk to eachother or go near eachother for who knows how long, and I've gone all four days of school so far.
Yeh... a lot of crap going on... my parents are getting a divorce... we're prolly moving... a lot... of crap... ~sighs~ I don't know if another school would let me in due to attendance...
Old but taking it off my page so putting it in here.
Watch me falling...
tears slipping faster...
leave me crawling...
master of disaster...
I want to defy...
to get off the ground...
soar into the sky...
breathless surrender found...
-Ktcm
Yeh... I reinstalled D2... Diablo II... meaning I'm not dead when I disapear for long times... I've melted to the computer screen to play D2 xD mmkies? I don't know if anyone here has it, but if you do and you wanna get ahold of me... Kaylieghmay is my account name.
What honestly pisses me off... Amanda just has to be a hater now. I'm sure everyone knows me pissed off means in tears or almost... I wish I wasn't a fucking wimp... I wish I could just shrug it off... not react... the whole deal, but I can't, I'm weak. Which makes this a pretentious emo diary right... well fuck, why do I even care... I said I wouldn't write about her... but I need something and here is the quickest... why the fuck do I care... I just try to do what I feel is right... and it's not good enough for her? Lmao, I wasn't doing it for anyone but myself... so she can go fuck herself... maybe I changed her by being a terrible girlfriend, but if I did I wish she never met me, cause if I created this bitch... well ~shrugs~ she was better off before she met me. Hopefully this is the last post about either of the bitches that I care about... but you never know when they'll send me more discouragement or hatemail since Amanda feels the need to put in her two sence about my life.
All I feel the need to say is if you don't like my opinions, shut the fuck up and keep it to yourself.