Stop! I’m trying so hard to keep all these things in line. To keep everything together. Hardly anything is going on in my life right now besides prom and the disowning of my father. Yet the entire earth feels like it is rotating at an abnormal speed. It’s not making dizzy, just confused and disoriented. Everything that is up is down and what used to be black is now white. What the hell is going on! When did my entire universe get blasted into an oblivion from which there is no sign of escape! But wait. I know I have felt this way before. I’m pretty sure it is clinical depression. Usually it stays with the seasons though. It’s not supposed to happen in the summer. But yet I know it will pass, as so many other things do. I want to cry. I want to sob and break down and shout how unfair it is that I have nothing of which I have ever desired while others have all their dreams come true. It’s not me, I don’t whine and cry and complain, yet that is what I want to do. Other people have some romanticism; their lives have some meaning while mine seems to have too much. It has so much meaning that I can’t even know it all. There is no way for me to ever comprehend it all at one time. Lol, I’m bluffing. So what if other people have told me these things. What do I know, what can I see about myself? Nothing, I know what I don’t want, but what it is that I do want and what I am meant for? I’m clueless. My journey of me is that so non-ending that it is sure to drive me mad before all is over, if it hasn’t given me a ticket to the nearest institution already. So what in the mean time, what do I do right now, right at this moment? I’ll tell you. I will sit here with my teeth whitener strips in my mouth, I will wish that I was some one else, at some other time, in some other place, and than I will come back to reality. I will remember that I am Clarissa Angelina Schauseil. I am 17 with no permanent plan for the future. What I want to do will change by this next Christmas, I can almost guarantee it. And by next summer, not this one but the summer of 2006, I will not be in this country anymore. I will travel to India and Thailand. I will see great things and study with monks. But why will I do all of this, what is the purpose. I’ll figure that out when I get there. For now, I will just sit here and cry knowing that as I am, at this very moment. I am nothing. Literally nothing. I reflect all there is around me, both alive and non-moving. Both here and non-existent. Those that think they know me….. They don’t. I am not me you see. And I can’t recite how doth the little busy bee.

First I want to remind anyone that did not read my profile: This is a real diary that I am keeping. It is a real account of my life and my thoughts.

May 2, 2005
I’ve realized quite a few things today. The first being that I can be an awful person sometimes, but hardly every unprovoked. See at my lunch table in school the friends, or people, that I sit with engage regularly in debate and a round of teasing of everyone. I seem to get the worst treatment sometimes though. Through a great deal of thought I’ve come to the conclusion the reason for this is because I never fight back. But today they went to far, especially this one girl. So finally I hit her in the face with an empty pop bottle and really hard too. It left a bruise and dented the pop bottle. I felt bad cause I knew that I should but at the same time this girl really had it coming. And As I sat in my living room today, I thought about myself, and all the different aspects of my personality. And I love myself; I mean I really am happy with everything about me, for the most part anyway. So I really don’t think that I should change the way I am since I see nothing wrong with me. Yet, I began to wonder, just because it’s me, does that automatically make it a good quality? I figure the answer is no, but still, I like my bad qualities, I like not being perfect, and I don’t plan on changing that.
Another thing that happened today was that I let my little sister talk me into watching Disney’s cartoon version of Robin Hood with her. As I was watching it and all the little animal cartoon characters talk about how they couldn’t wait for King Richard to get back from leading the crusades and get rid of King John, I thought about what the crusades actually were. I mean this was a war waged in the name of religion that killed thousands of people, innocent people. So who was the real bad guy, King Richard or King John? This thought gave the movie a real bitter sweet feel to it. Which in turn made me think about how everything in life is in some way bitter sweet. I like it that way. Something about things being bitter sweet gives me a morbid satisfaction. Like I can’t stand perfect relationships with anyone. There has to be something bad about it for me to like it. Maybe there’s just something wrong with me, like I am a mad hatter while everyone else is the sane Alice. And as my mind runs in circles I could say that it was actually Alice that was insane because she thought up wonderland to begin with. But I’m really crazy now.
Oh also I realized how sad life and its options really are. I mean, I have so much I can do with my life, so many things I want to learn, and so many professions I want to participate in. But there is no way that I will be able to live long enough to do 90% of it. Well I could become a vampire, but that is harder than you think. Even finding a guardian is harder than you think. So how sad is it that I have all this ambition and all these dreams, and I have to choose which is best. Of course there is my bitter sweetness though, I will always be doing something I love and yet could never be completely satisfied because of all the other things that I can’t do at the same time.
I’m a world of contradiction.




Oh and here are some ramblings that I just randomly wrote down one day. They show a whole new light to my insanity. (A really scary thing is that I wrote this “Like a virus when it takes over your body. Everything turns to jelly and then you die.” before I read the book The Hot Zone. The book tells you about the Ebola virus that actually does turn your insides to jelly. Fuck, I love random precog.) :

The moment I try to write down my thoughts, they escape me. Is this because I have a deficiency to hold onto things for any deal of time, or are they not meant to be heard by others? I mean, its my brain, I’m in it, using it. So what about everyone else? What is in their brain, that is assuming it is real? What do I know, and how do I know it? Everything that is concrete seems to be slipping away. Like a virus when it takes over your body. Everything turns to jelly and then you die. But I’m not dieing, am I? Its not me that is changing it is everything around me and if I don’t grab on tight I will lose it. Now I have to decide, do I want to lose it? Where is it going and what is it leaving behind? Is it like a movie backdrop, you just take it off and there is something left in its place? Things swirl and jumble together so I don’t know if I am standing or sitting. I get like this in the summer. Maybe every summer. I hate it, but everyone else seems to enjoy me more.  Maybe everyone else is in this state and hates the fact that I can escape it? Is this why I am not liked so much all the time? Because of pure jealousy? Its not fair you know, I want to be just like everyone else and it never happens, it will never happen, and those that I want to be just like don’t want me and I can’t do anything about it. So I’m stuck in my in-between world wondering what I am and what I am meant for and I don’t think I will ever find out. And where is black smoke. I don’t know his real name but he is supposed to be my vampire guardian. Maybe that is what I am, a vampire who doesn’t know it and will always be waiting on her guardian to show her the way, but he never comes so I am stuck here with this just like I am stuck here with everything else never making any sense or knowing what I am doing. I always change, always. Nothing can stand still for two minuets I am always doing something different, thinking something different, wanting something different. Why can’t I grasp onto something, make it real, and be happy? Is that impossible for me? And why is it? I don’t know what I am doing here but I need to know, I want to know. That never happens. Does anyone really know what they are doing and why they are doing it? Are they ever happy or are they as lost as me with their own thoughts and blood running down their faces in waterfalls because they cry the thoughts they cannot speak? People look so elusive sometimes like they are so happy and on the inside they know they are not. They know they are crying out and wanting things that they will never have and know they will never have. I don’t know why they can’t admit it and say, “I’m nobody.” Who am I to judge this so sane world when I myself am not quite all there? If I know I am insane does that mean I am really insane or does that mean I am a hypochondriac? I always thought people who were insane didn’t know they were insane until someone told them. It doesn’t matter though, no one is here to tell me such so I just sit here and wait for things to fade so that I can see clearly again. Everything has gained this dismal look here, like nothing is as bright as it should be or as soft as it should be. I want my childhood back. When I was a child everything seemed illusive and dangerous. I liked it because the magic was always there, I could do anything and anything was possible. I used to have dreams all the time that I could fly. I still have that dream. That I can jump up and just keep going till I am at least 15 feet off the ground and just stay there. I know what it feels like; I just don’t remember how to do it. I wish I did and then I could amaze everyone and gain more respect. Or maybe fear, but fear is ok too because people would be too afraid to make fun of me or say bad things about me. And even if they did at least they would always deny it and force themselves to be nice to my face and invite me places to keep up the act. Plus if I could fly getting to places would be a lot easier. I wonder how many calories flying burns and if I would get fatter from flying and not walking? Maybe that’s why I can’t fly now. I’m too fat. Lol I couldn’t keep on a diet if my life depended on it though. When I feel hungry I have to eat. Even if I don’t want to I have to. So that way I don’t get sick latter on. Plus it is like a compulsion that I can’t control. And I like to control everything. When I feel like I am not in control I feel stressed out and tense. It’s the same way when I don’t know what to expect to happen. That is why Black Smoke not getting on yet and messaging me has me stressed out. I don’t know what to expect from him. What does a guardian vampire do? I’m hoping he can tell me how to tell if I have been chosen by vampirism or not. With my luck though it will be one of those, you just know, type of things. I hate those because it causes me to over analyze everything and I never know that I am correct. I can never tell if I feel that I am correct of if I just think so. My feelings are too tied in with my thought. That is why I am a natural empathy. Obviously it has its benefits and its downfalls.