NEW RULE:
If your boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with you for his own personal issues or he's not doing it to your satisfaction and your not looking for a seriously serious relationship then you're entitled to get it some were else.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Boyfriend Act Four, Prom Date

Originally I thought I was going to have to take one of my gay friends to the prom, I love them to death, but really that would be a bit pathetic on my part.
I could have gone with a guy I’m physically involved with now but he’d already made it clear that he didn’t want to go out, so I didn’t really want to take him to the prom as a date.
I asked a guy out to the prom but he said he hated dances and hated dancing, that he saw no purpose in it at all. 
Then on one of my incoherent days, due to allergies, I up and decided to ask someone from my geometry class out and to the prom. He said yes, all I knew about him is that we both had problems with the class and the teacher(I really don’t like her and she likes me less). Never the less I was happy, even amidst my general confusion.
You’d think I’d have learned by now that going out with people is a bad idea, but no…
Now I’ve found out that he’s a virgin and kind of wants to keep it that way until marriage, how the hell was I supposed to know that. Not only that but he’s friends with my ex and his girlfriend, so of course they’re saying wonderful things about me…
This is my prom for hell’s sake, I only have four more weeks left of school and I’ll probably be moving out of state for college in the fall, is it too much to ask to have a traditional and special prom night, seriously.

I love that the only men that have ever genuinely cared about me as a person have been gay.

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

This was all written by my friend Summer, she's a graduate student at the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology were my mom is dean at. Lots of this won’t make since if you've never been to collage or a graduate school or if you're not Summer but most of it should be funny any way.

1. The people about whom you care the most are the most adept at stabbing you in the heart and then twisting the knife until their hands cramp.
2. When your mother tells you no one else will love you as much as she does, she’s probably right.
3. People who are emotionally unresponsive are not likely to call or E-mail you to say thanks when you send them gifts.
4. People who use the biggest words and make reference to Greek gods and Quantum Physics when they’re talking probably don’t know what the shit they’re talking about.
5. The people to whom you give the least of your time probably care about you the most.
6. An orgasm is a spiritual experience. No spirituality, no orgasm.
7. Lesbians let their dogs ride shotgun when they go to market.
8. If someone repeatedly lets you know your thoughts and feelings don’t matter to them, there’s no sense in continuing to waste your time with them.
9. Grandiose people call their deans by their first names.
10. Interviewers will tell you you’ve done a fantastic job in your interview and then not hire you.
11. Emotional responsiveness not in place when you really need it magically appears to others from the same individual the very next year. It’s as though the person is better off without you around.
12. People with mullets should not be in positions of power.
13. Lesbians who schmooze and really skinny girls get all the glory.
14. Black people must stick together in spite of differences within individual experiences.
15. Turn off the microphone when you go pee.
16. Going through Clearinghouse makes it glaringly obvious who your friends are. But, see number 11.
17. If your dissertation chair responds when you call him/her “pimp,” it’s a good match.
18. People like it when you blow smoke up their asses.
19. You can have three relatives and a client die within a three-week period and no one will say shit to console you.
20. When you leave for internship, you’re as good as forgotten by faculty.
21. My toes are cold.
22. Snoopy and Carl Jung are not all that great a pair.
23. Captain Stubing is just fun to say.
24. Registrars have poor enough boundaries to interrupt every damn class you’re in and also tell you to get down off the top of the school sign after the photographer asked you to do the splits on top of it.
25. People who live in trailers are the first to hold racial biases.
26. Living on campus means everybody’s in your shit.
27. Fuck a duck.
28. Nobody can see the Forest for the trees.
29. Let the people who have interest in you receive most of your attention.
30. If instructors slather down their wives in front of the class, seek therapy immediately!!!
31. If a new instructor shows up and he makes the most emotionally unresponsive person at the school absolutely glow, that’s called “’Pimpin.’”
32. If you’re stranded on a desert island and can only bring one person, as much as you care about the emotionally unresponsive one, don’t bring her.
33. Community meetings are for shit.
34. Jail is the shit!
35. People are only interested in cultural diversity for about a year.
36. The person with the most academic prowess doesn’t know how to maintain friendships.
37. Hot cocoa is a commodity.
38. So is creamer.
39. You can only eat so much pasta and finger sandwiches.
40. It really is called a ‘liberry.’
41. Random mouse body parts can be strewn all about.
42. Voice messages can be obnoxious.
43. A Board of Directors is a group of people who financially back an institution but give a minimal fuck what the governance means to the people who work and learn there.
44. Rosa Parks was not related to the dean.
45. Caucasian adolescents will blame an African-American for their loud behavior even when the African-American is six feet away and writing a paper.
46. People who are hired during the summer can become a dean by the following January.
47. There’s no place like home.
48. It’s not okay to say, “I love you” to someone because there’s this damned thing called the Ethics Code that tells you your feelings are irrelevant and you must keep them under wraps.
49. References may be made to Dave Chappelle during your dissertation defense.
50. If you’re a minority, just assume you will be placed in a position to respond to minority views either in an official capacity without your previous knowledge or acceptance of the position, or in class.
51. The Professional Issues Committee makes some good ass decisions.
52. If you ask for a phone, you get a walkie talkie.
53. People can be smiling and laughing one day and fired the next.
54. Golf tournaments can cause you to lose sight of the bigger picture.
55. Big curly hair is random.
56. Big hair in general is random.
57. Earth beads are now back in style.
58. Drunks who make reference to their Xanax “subscriptions” and comment on which male students they’d like to hump can remain on faculty while those who bust their asses advocating for students can’t.
59. If a tree falls in the Forest, everybody hears it, but don't nobody say shit about it.
60. If a Dean falls from a superior to an inferior position in the Forest, does she make a sound? Hell naw!
61. It is physically possible for you to walk around the corner and your ass finally rounds the corner three weeks later. “Your mother has a really big ass!”
62. There’s big meat in Texas.
63. Year old people don’t give a shit about you. (If you get this, you’re a damn genius.)
64. The Old Boy network is still alive and kickin.’
65. Sigmund Freud is still a pimp.
66. Saying "Thees ees really goo...." makes you an expert in diversity.
67. Walking around in a brown suit and pink shirt makes you powerful. It also makes you a bitch! And it also gets you cat-calls from sailors!
68. Red Rocks!
69. People who insist on having their hair past their ass need to wash it every day.
70. Don’t expect shit back from administration even if you devote 75% of your time to the betterment of the institution and/or their children.
71. Black socks with pink bows sewn on them are “masculine.”
72. A bad blonde dye job and a black pant-suit left over from the seventies does not make you look like an updated version of Evita Peron.
73. WAIS protocols were not lost. The instructor ate them.
74. When a gay faculty member privately makes fun of the androgynous dean's sex life, friendships are lost.
75. People with Master’s degrees can head up research departments.
76. Why pay top dollar for your clothing when you can go to the thrift store and buy a pair of shoes that are eight sizes too big and have a band-aid on the heel?
77. Kudos last for years.
78. Looking like Sonic the Hedgehog and acting like a bitch really takes you places.
79. In the new millennium, Michelle is pronounced “Mish uh lee”
80. It’s probably best for me to stop saying, “It’s colder than a witch’s tit!” when I’ve never actually had the opportunity to touch a witch’s tit.
81. Hiring a non-licensed alum who looks like everybody's high school sweetheart to run a clinic is standard evidence of diversity training and EOE hiring practices in action.
82. Steve is no longer on Blue’s Clues. He works at the clinic.
83. “Fiiiiif!” is an acceptable mike check.
84. Nudists come in all shapes, sizes . . . and ages. (shivering in disgust)

A Lesson in Commas
An English professor wrote the words
"Woman without her man is nothing"
on the blackboard and directed the
students punctuate it correctly.
THE MEN WROTE:
"Woman, without her man, is nothing."
THE WOMEN WROTE:
"Woman! Without her, man is nothing

Commas are your friend ^._.^

"Good morning starshine, the earth says hello" ^.^
Hearing [Majin] say this brings me much joy, but really, hearing anyone say this brings me giggles.
It's from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

I’ve been informed that I need to put up a disclaimer saying that I don’t necessarily approve of the content of these letters; that I put them up because I loved the attention, moral support and defensiveness that my friend have for me.
Let it also be known that I’ve been outstandingly tolerant as well as kind to [hominous nocturnam] [Zaebos] and [Succubus 69] as they have been extremely mean to me. But I also don’t expect them to understand or take responsibility for the immaturity of their behavior.    

My lil hubby Chris [spinandshift], he sent these hate letters to my x b/f Aaron [hominous nocturnam]. i should also tell you peeps that he dated Aaron befor me, Aaron said he brokup with him because he figured out he was stright. I love my friends so vary much ^._.^

letter 1
hey you little biotch this is chris you deserved every little detail that you got from landon you need to open little eyes and look the hell around you say you don't want to be a whore well thats what it looks like to me you've gone out with more people in a few months then i have my whole life so yeah wtf was up with you droping anna what was she not good enough cause if u think that i will beat the shit out of you and you are out of the group be happy
with your little biotch ass girlfriend

letter 2
hey little skank i was a experiment what the hell am i an animal well just nto tell u i just went out with you too get back at aj so fuck off little biotch keep digging deeper and you'll get yourself killed well i don't have any more time to waste on a closet case so bye

My friend Landon [SailorMercuryLuv] sent these hate letters to Aaron my x-b/f [hominous nocturnam]
It makes me feel loved to know he’d do something like this for me. Real pity he’s gay, but I know some guy is going to be very lucky to have him some day. Even though spelling and punctuation are off, I still love him
 
letter 1
ewww freak....your site is gay, i cant belive you just dumped anna to go out with hanna who would never in her right mind go out with you ...sorry but 2 wrongs dont make a right.first chris to anna....then hanna ....whos next sarah....your just a confused little boy who needs to find himself . so we as the group call you out as in out of the group sorry man but too bad for you have fun with AJ hahah....... late nigga..........PS and how dare you just dump anna and forget about her she is such a pretty nice person and you even took her off your friends list . what a shame have a nice life ....and mabey one day youll figure out that you acctually are gay and you cant hide it for the rest of your life.. (CLOSET CASE)...

letter 2
im sorry mr ive had a bad day .But i could care less about how your fucing day went.You are a confused little man...and we the people have a feeling that we have a bit of a schizo on our hands.Yes i said schizoooo. You are a filthy bastard who has no respect .how dare you drop anna like a whore on commercial street.You should be grateful to have even been with anna she is a one of a kind lady.anyone would have took advantage of that situation.one day you might grow up a little and realise that what you had with anna was a beautiful thing and you probley wont ever have that again.she would take you back "god for bid" even though you dont deserve it at all.FYI you should learn how to give better pleasure if you know what i mean...as in caught give a bitch an orgasim.haha(that sucks for you.


PS. have fun with your crack head girl friend in the future.


HAPPY CHRISTMASKWANZZIKA...and happy new year.
 im outty

I did and un-holy thing to day......,......I mixed pesi with coke......I know I shoulden't have but.....I did and I'm sorry. But I had to, I was leaving and all they had left was coke. I'll try not to do it again, ever.