My Thoughts (cont'd)

I've tried to move on and find a guy/girlfriend, but I'm afraid of getting hurt again. There are three people who I would drop everything for and their names are Raymond Davis (my armand), the one who will never "see" me (and i wont say his name), and Danniel Breazeale (my king). If one of them confessed their love for me, i would drop everything and spend the rest of my life with them. These people named i truly love, and they come before all others. There is a being, whose been with me through all my lives, past and present. His real true name cannot be mentioned but i will call him Vee. He is my soulmate and is here somewhere, and i think i know whose body he is in, but i am not sure. There are few yet many peoplei would put my life on the line for, but for Stephen G ([MariusAlucard]), my very best friend, I would die a thousand deaths and take torture for an eternity if he was indanger of death and in order for him to not be unhappy. Also, if the only way to fix everything wrong w/ everyone that is deserving of my love, was to die, i would die thrice so that nothing would go wrong after the fact. The people who are in my heart have so much love. If i were to actually stop and think about who much i love them, i would cry a million tears. I would flood, my body, my soul, my home, my world, with tears. But b/c of the holes in my heart, the people who are about to be listed can't recieve the love in full. I have been hurt, and that pains me more. I have scars: visible and nonvisible, physical and mental, on my heart and on my body, from my strife and from my knife.

These are the people who deserve the love:
Stephen, Vee, Drak, Richard D, Ryan, Eddy, Danniel, Dannielle, Richard C, Victoria, Roller, Patch, Lynn

Not only do they deserve the love but they recieve it, at least somewhat.

I AM SOOOOOOO BOOOOOOOOORED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE THE STUPID END OF YEAR TAKS TEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT MEANS IM STUCK IN A ROOM WITH PEOPLE I DONT KNOW WHILE THE UPPPER CLASSMEN TAKE THEIR STUPID TESTS!!!!!!!!
GRRR EVIL UPPERCLASSMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *GRINS DEVILISHLY*
-RENEE

My Thoughts

My thoughts are weird, bizarre, and depressed. My thoughts are suicidal. My thoughts are of people both loved and hated. My thoughts are extremely fucked up. To some i seem clear-minded and fine, but i know im screwy ans something's not right. Few people know how fucked up i am, and those who do are most likely the same. Part of the reason why im screwed is because, someone ruined my ability to love. He got me confused, unsure and alone. For some reason he chose to hurt me. He doesn't know it yet, but he did a good job. He robbed me of happiness and he's in the proccess of slowly taking my friends. By friends i mean family/friend/soulmate/support. Danielle was my friend , my sister, both in my past lives, and she was the one keeping me stable. Now Ashly's soon to leave and she was the same except instead of a soul-sister she was and is a soul-friend, almost the best i had. The person who attempted to ruin my life has ruined my friend's lives also. He knows that that is the only way to get to me. On top of all that fuckin shit, is the fact that he had me fooled. I actually believed he was more than one and he had me thinking he loved me. BUt, he also pretended the same thing to Ashly, Danielle, and Christa. The only one he wanted from the start was Christa. Then he got tired of her and (*quote unquote*) decided (*quote unquote*) to stop hanging out with her (nod nod wink wink). I guess he's only trying to get back on someone's good side. Christa ruined herself and him so now she's shunned for life by all save 2 people. "It" or he (as i have referred to him/it) ruined Ashly's, Danielle's, and my life so he's shunned for life save a handful of people.

Well i have nothing to write about so i might as well enter some poetry:

A NORMAL LIFE
What is the truth in the beliefs we have?
What is the reason we ask why?
Why do we make the decisions we make?
Why do we take the lives we take?
How come in order to preserve we lie,
yet to hurt we use the real?
All this pain and sad feelings I feel.
Death, sadness, confusion, & pain
have visited my heart again and again.
Just for one more moment with you,
I could give my life and everything new.
Truth is bad yet lying’s good.
Love is the sad, yet hate should.
Blood loss and breaking skin does heal.
Closing the wound and no pain, kill.
Adding salt relieves the pain,
and insane thoughts suddenly seem sane.
Have I gone crazy or am I seeing that real
is ripping me apart in order to feel…
NORMAL
Numbness is common and joy is gone.
Violence is pro and peace is the con.
He loves me but I love you,
you love her and she loves him.
You love me, too, and we’re all for the other.
Instead of “The One” we receive another.

Why is wrong right and why is right wrong?
How have the questions been burning so long?
How come when everything goes wrong, that means it’s right,
yet when everything goes right that means there’s something wrong?
Everything always happens for a reason,
but reason never happens in anything.
No one cries when someone dies,
but everyone dies when someone cries.
When someone hurts them self, I hurt me.
When I hurt me, everyone else hurts me,
and when they hurt me, I hurt me again.
No one consoles and everyone scolds,
but when I scold them, they get consoled.
The people I care about most are taken.
The people I hate come more and aren’t shaken.
So many times I’ve thought of suicide.
Others and myself, we all could’ve died.
So much death, too much trauma.
So many fights, too much drama.
I am what I am and for that I’m rejected.
People who aren’t like me are protected.
I know the truth and yet I can’t see.
I lie to my self just so I can be…
NORMAL
Just a time without all the strife,
That’s what I want, a normal life.