ya ya whatever....................

these days, everything sounds like bullshit, and I never feel like the person I really am...

i have no more than 3 months till he's gone.......i know it's sad. hey, i'll at least have weekends and vacation, sometimes...

god damn it's been a while! well....


my ex-sis went to jail, she owes my parents loads of $, me and raymond broke up way back in september....., i now am dating JP (since feb. 25), i love oompa and ashly and victoria (they are my closest friends!), i have been so happy lately, but extremely depressed at the same time, and ya.......................my life is a beautiful shit-hole, if that makes anysense.....!!!!!

Cold sweats, burning fever, tremors, pounding migranes.
I get another fix of my drug to erase my aches and pains.

When being alone is withdrawl, you're addicted to being with them.

(metaphorically of course)


( <3 (ashly, this is yours and mine inside "joke" type thingy right!? lol, idk i just typed it as it popped into my head at 11:30 pm.... i love you ashly, but can you guess who this poem is about?) i'll give you a hint......he's awesomeness! <3 )

David Bowie........need I say more? Gorgeous, beautiful voice, extremely talented, great actor. My favorite movie of his is The Labyrinth. I first saw it when I was about 6, and became obsessed with it. I just recently saw it again, and fell in love all over again.............*sighs at the memories*

(wow just thinking about the "Let's Dance "video, also, the Ziggy Stardust persona gives me chills! *smiles devilishly*)

Written by me............John David...when you read this, I hope you cry. After all, you made me cry, you made me bleed, you made me die...... :  V

This is my kiss; you stole it.
These are the lies; you told them.
This is my love; you snatched it.
These are the wrists; you slashed them.
This is my heart; you killed it.
These are the tears; you spilled them.
This is my soul; you flawed it,
but this is my death; you caused it.

The Love Of A Vampire

Time is creeping swiftly,
taking me away,
but you call out to me,
telling me to stay.

I see you climbing slowly
up the bed to me,
saying to me softly,
that you’re to set me free.

A look of deep dark bloodlust,
a sensual exhilarating high,
a bond, a want, a need, a must,
all a light shining in your eye.

Before now the sun lost its shine,
and the night, moon, & stars prevail.
Your face intertwining, caressing mine.
Your skin so cold and pale.

Yes skin, so soft, enduring pleasure,
breaking at the entrance of teeth.
Its heat grows with each new measure,
and blood flows between us, so warm and sweet

In the power of life without the light,
in the beauty of passion to admire,
a soft cry is uttered into the night,
with the love & seduction of life as a vampire.     BY: Me

written for my vampire lover....who has yet to reveal him/her self....

wow! two extremely hot guys, one hot chic, and natta clue who likes who or how much! whats up with that!? one guy i want, and im pretty damn sure he wants me, the other guy i am deeply attracted to and really really like and i think he might like me, the chica is just frickin hot and uber cool, but thats about it, i dont think she likes me though.

(HELP ME!!!!! PLEASE!)

ok, anyone in the same boat as me? i am lost, and have no idea anymore, weird huh? its like i knew how everything would happen, then a few days later, BOOM! i have not a damn clue!!!!!!!!!! hmmmmmmmmmm

REVENGA by: System Of A Down......album: Mesmerize

poisening a drink
bleeding in a sink
choking with a link
killing with a stink
just you mother's
HO
bleeding in a sink
poisening a drink
burning up
my sweet clementine
trampling a shrink
bleeding in a sink
halleluiah wink
getting on the brink
just your mother's
HO
halleluiah wink
murdering a shrink
burning up
on my sweet revenge
will be yours fro the taking
its in the making baby
killing with a stink
bleeding in a sink
poisening a drink
getting on the brink
just your mother's
HO
bleeding in a sink
trampling a shrink
burning up
my sweet clementine
poisening a drink
bleeding in a sink
choking with a link
killing with a stink
just your mother's
HO
poisening a drink
bleeding in a sink
burning up
my sweet revenge
will be yours for the taking
its in the making baby
my sweet revenge
will be yours for the taking
its in the making baby
i saw her laugh
then she said, "go away"
i saw her laugh
then she said, then she said
"go away, way"
my sweet revenge
will be yours for the taking
its in the making baby
my sweet revenge
will be yours its in the making
its in the taking, making, baking, faking
HO
my sweet clementine
HO
shoulda been coulda been
woulda been woulda been you
shoulda been coulda been
woulda been woulda been you

i have one thing to say:  "SCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLS OUT FOR SUMMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Yay!

This poem that i wrote, is how i got my scrn nm:

[In  Black  Abyss]

4 u im alive
b/c of u i will die
caused all the pain in my life
so tonights my suicide

im trapt on this realm
heart broke and bleeding
the sorrow 2 overwhelm
my mind slowly fleeting

i feel like im falling
i feel like im fading
i feel like im hating
life everlasting

don't hurt me agian plz not again
y do u hurt me like that
u know wat, fuck it im ready 2 leave
cant take this bullshit cant take this greif

the grim stands over me
while im in pain and crying
u know it is haunting me
waiting for me dying

y wont u leave
its not u i need
thru life and death i weave
plz just let me bleed

i cant relate
2 u in this state
my life attempts fail
death soon 2 prevail

when i suffer
u feel alive
i hear ur laughter
into [abyss] i dive

y is everything so hard 4 me
beating me down 4 wat ill be
do u mean 2 encourage my death
it doesnt matter ull c my last breath

u know wat u cant fuck w/ me
so instead ill take my life
im tired of u always bothering me
ill use my knife to get rid of the strife

theres evil behind ur deathly [black] eyes
but 2 me thats no mother fucking surprise
fuck u im not gonna take this shit
i love u i hate u and that is it

i cant live w/ dealing w/ u
i cant deal with living w/o u
being with u keeps me alive
being near u kills me inside

if u read this
then u saw
my fall [into abyss]
and it was all ur fault

My Thoughts (cont'd)

I've tried to move on and find a guy/girlfriend, but I'm afraid of getting hurt again. There are three people who I would drop everything for and their names are Raymond Davis (my armand), the one who will never "see" me (and i wont say his name), and Danniel Breazeale (my king). If one of them confessed their love for me, i would drop everything and spend the rest of my life with them. These people named i truly love, and they come before all others. There is a being, whose been with me through all my lives, past and present. His real true name cannot be mentioned but i will call him Vee. He is my soulmate and is here somewhere, and i think i know whose body he is in, but i am not sure. There are few yet many peoplei would put my life on the line for, but for Stephen G ([MariusAlucard]), my very best friend, I would die a thousand deaths and take torture for an eternity if he was indanger of death and in order for him to not be unhappy. Also, if the only way to fix everything wrong w/ everyone that is deserving of my love, was to die, i would die thrice so that nothing would go wrong after the fact. The people who are in my heart have so much love. If i were to actually stop and think about who much i love them, i would cry a million tears. I would flood, my body, my soul, my home, my world, with tears. But b/c of the holes in my heart, the people who are about to be listed can't recieve the love in full. I have been hurt, and that pains me more. I have scars: visible and nonvisible, physical and mental, on my heart and on my body, from my strife and from my knife.

These are the people who deserve the love:
Stephen, Vee, Drak, Richard D, Ryan, Eddy, Danniel, Dannielle, Richard C, Victoria, Roller, Patch, Lynn

Not only do they deserve the love but they recieve it, at least somewhat.

I AM SOOOOOOO BOOOOOOOOORED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE THE STUPID END OF YEAR TAKS TEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT MEANS IM STUCK IN A ROOM WITH PEOPLE I DONT KNOW WHILE THE UPPPER CLASSMEN TAKE THEIR STUPID TESTS!!!!!!!!
GRRR EVIL UPPERCLASSMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *GRINS DEVILISHLY*
-RENEE

My Thoughts

My thoughts are weird, bizarre, and depressed. My thoughts are suicidal. My thoughts are of people both loved and hated. My thoughts are extremely fucked up. To some i seem clear-minded and fine, but i know im screwy ans something's not right. Few people know how fucked up i am, and those who do are most likely the same. Part of the reason why im screwed is because, someone ruined my ability to love. He got me confused, unsure and alone. For some reason he chose to hurt me. He doesn't know it yet, but he did a good job. He robbed me of happiness and he's in the proccess of slowly taking my friends. By friends i mean family/friend/soulmate/support. Danielle was my friend , my sister, both in my past lives, and she was the one keeping me stable. Now Ashly's soon to leave and she was the same except instead of a soul-sister she was and is a soul-friend, almost the best i had. The person who attempted to ruin my life has ruined my friend's lives also. He knows that that is the only way to get to me. On top of all that fuckin shit, is the fact that he had me fooled. I actually believed he was more than one and he had me thinking he loved me. BUt, he also pretended the same thing to Ashly, Danielle, and Christa. The only one he wanted from the start was Christa. Then he got tired of her and (*quote unquote*) decided (*quote unquote*) to stop hanging out with her (nod nod wink wink). I guess he's only trying to get back on someone's good side. Christa ruined herself and him so now she's shunned for life by all save 2 people. "It" or he (as i have referred to him/it) ruined Ashly's, Danielle's, and my life so he's shunned for life save a handful of people.

Well i have nothing to write about so i might as well enter some poetry:

A NORMAL LIFE
What is the truth in the beliefs we have?
What is the reason we ask why?
Why do we make the decisions we make?
Why do we take the lives we take?
How come in order to preserve we lie,
yet to hurt we use the real?
All this pain and sad feelings I feel.
Death, sadness, confusion, & pain
have visited my heart again and again.
Just for one more moment with you,
I could give my life and everything new.
Truth is bad yet lying’s good.
Love is the sad, yet hate should.
Blood loss and breaking skin does heal.
Closing the wound and no pain, kill.
Adding salt relieves the pain,
and insane thoughts suddenly seem sane.
Have I gone crazy or am I seeing that real
is ripping me apart in order to feel…
NORMAL
Numbness is common and joy is gone.
Violence is pro and peace is the con.
He loves me but I love you,
you love her and she loves him.
You love me, too, and we’re all for the other.
Instead of “The One” we receive another.

Why is wrong right and why is right wrong?
How have the questions been burning so long?
How come when everything goes wrong, that means it’s right,
yet when everything goes right that means there’s something wrong?
Everything always happens for a reason,
but reason never happens in anything.
No one cries when someone dies,
but everyone dies when someone cries.
When someone hurts them self, I hurt me.
When I hurt me, everyone else hurts me,
and when they hurt me, I hurt me again.
No one consoles and everyone scolds,
but when I scold them, they get consoled.
The people I care about most are taken.
The people I hate come more and aren’t shaken.
So many times I’ve thought of suicide.
Others and myself, we all could’ve died.
So much death, too much trauma.
So many fights, too much drama.
I am what I am and for that I’m rejected.
People who aren’t like me are protected.
I know the truth and yet I can’t see.
I lie to my self just so I can be…
NORMAL
Just a time without all the strife,
That’s what I want, a normal life.