okay I dont know who is watching my house and/or who are my friends that will be reading this. so keep in mind you might not like what im writing and if you dont want to know whats on my mind then dont read further. if you do here it goes...


*sighs* my first diary entry and probably the most caotic of them all. Im so confused right now I doubt I even know my own thoughts or feelings at this point. everyone I love dearly is eathier dead, doesnt care about me, or is trying to hide what they feel. I feel lost and alone most of the time now. When my uncle died a big part of me, of my soul, died with him. I loved him most in this world not as my uncle or as my best friend. but as the best thing that has ever been in my life, and the greatest mentor I ever had. I know that no one will ever fill that gap. no one can ever truly make me whole agian untill im reunited with him in the next life. some know how he died less know that I still cry myself to sleep a few nights a week when my gaze meets his photograph and the box that his ashes were carried in before they were burried. and any time I see a movie that a true loved on dies in a situation close to that of my uncle and me, I have to fight back tears. I have to fight the will to scream at the goddess for taking him away from me and at him for giving up. slowly life gets easier to live. most days I try to pretend he is still here..i can still see his smile and feel his arms around me i can still hear him saying "poopie head" at me and tickling me when i sat on his lap..i still remember his beautiful blue eyes and the way that he looked at me and i could see that he loved me. he was only 53 when he died. dear diana i feel so lost with out him. i feel like i had my compass torn away from my hand and was dropped into a black abyss with no moon sun or stars to follow. and no one to ever pull me back. *sighs agian* i miss him so much but i know i will see him agian someday. i will see him agian.