What do you do when you feel your life passing you by? When it leaves you behind to watch and regret? Ive lived my life pooly and often I find my self at a crossroads. do I go down the street im on, or do i change my path by changing my choices. I constantly see the errors ive made and the people ive hurt. ive hurt everyone i hold close to my heart encluding myself. not because i chose to or because i changed my mind but because i feared the life i was leading. so i pushed the people i love most away as far as i could. Ive sat back and broke my own heart, afraid to live, afriad to get hurt agian. instead of forgiving and bringing thoughs people closer to me i closed myself off and lost many unreplacable friends, and one of my greatest loves. I think if he reads up on this he will know who he is. lol he has a new girlfriend named...stephanie i think..(sorry if i spelled her name wrong) i regret losing him to my damn pride. i was to proud to let him see he had hurt me and i was to proud to let him see how much i still loved him. i made the biggest mistake of all and started seeing someone who i knew i didnt love. i knew i never would. and i knew he would. but i did anyway. and now ive broke three hearts. mine, one of the greatest loves in my life, and one of my closest friends who i never should have dated. i seems im always fucking myself over. im always doin alot of damage to myself. hell if i know why all i know is i do. i hope someday he will call me and speak to me agian. I dont know what will happen when fate knocks at my door. i dont know who i will choose to spend my life with. whether it be him if he chooses to take me back and give us another chance, or if it be with one of my closest friends who is going through some stuff atm... we have chemistry and love but we are both hurting and as such reluctant to "dive off that board" all i know is i will love this man for the rest of my life. no matter what happenes no matter the past or present. he will always have a piece of me. I just hope he realises no matter what i am first and formost a loyal friend and if he needs me i will always be here. ( ive kept all their names out as a respectful measure to them. they should know who they are and if they arent sure they can msg me and ask if its them i will let them know. if it isnt i will simply say "it isnt". okay i have to be up at 6am for school so im out for the night. take care everyone. *sends a hug out to everyone who needs it* night yall.

  okay I dont know who is watching my house and/or who are my friends that will be reading this. so keep in mind you might not like what im writing and if you dont want to know whats on my mind then dont read further. if you do here it goes...


*sighs* my first diary entry and probably the most caotic of them all. Im so confused right now I doubt I even know my own thoughts or feelings at this point. everyone I love dearly is eathier dead, doesnt care about me, or is trying to hide what they feel. I feel lost and alone most of the time now. When my uncle died a big part of me, of my soul, died with him. I loved him most in this world not as my uncle or as my best friend. but as the best thing that has ever been in my life, and the greatest mentor I ever had. I know that no one will ever fill that gap. no one can ever truly make me whole agian untill im reunited with him in the next life. some know how he died less know that I still cry myself to sleep a few nights a week when my gaze meets his photograph and the box that his ashes were carried in before they were burried. and any time I see a movie that a true loved on dies in a situation close to that of my uncle and me, I have to fight back tears. I have to fight the will to scream at the goddess for taking him away from me and at him for giving up. slowly life gets easier to live. most days I try to pretend he is still here..i can still see his smile and feel his arms around me i can still hear him saying "poopie head" at me and tickling me when i sat on his lap..i still remember his beautiful blue eyes and the way that he looked at me and i could see that he loved me. he was only 53 when he died. dear diana i feel so lost with out him. i feel like i had my compass torn away from my hand and was dropped into a black abyss with no moon sun or stars to follow. and no one to ever pull me back. *sighs agian* i miss him so much but i know i will see him agian someday. i will see him agian.