[merihevonen]'s diary
I'm going to see Swedish poprock band Weeping Willows tonight at Tavastia.
This is my first gig during my life so I'm rather excited.
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To me, this is the most beautiful song ever made.
http://youtube
Kent: Utan Dina Andetag
Without Your Breath
I know you're asleep
feel the heat from your skin
just the smell makes me weak
but I don't dare to wake you now
I would give you
everything you want
but only when you don't hear
I dare to say so
I cannot even walk
without your air in my lungs
I cannot even stand
when you're not watching
and transparent like grey
is what I'll be like
without your breath
My watch has stopped
under your eyelids
the dreams pass by
you're light as a feather inside
And without a sound
my heart in your hand
I've lost my speech
it remains in your hair
I cannot even walk
without your air in my lungs
I cannot even stand
when you're not watching
colourless like a tear
is what I'll be like
without your breath
I cannot even walk
without your air in my lungs
I cannot even stand
if you're not watching
and transparent like grey
what would I be like
without your breath
What would I be like
without your breath?
Written about Sunday 2007-05-06
Written: (6410 days ago)
Things are a bit crazy at the moment. I had to come here and put these thoughts into words.
I'm sorry for the curse words. It's just my way of dealing with this thing.
I feel so... argh. I'm just so sick of this whole thing happening. And most of all, I hate how this is affecting my mother. She's just so tired and exhausted to argue about it. She's now taking a nap. Mari's coming here tonight. We're wathcing the Finland-Sweden match and then this movie Beowulf & Grendel and then she's spending the night here. Tomorrow I have school in the evening and my mom's going to see a lawyer.
So, I will now start explaining all that has happened. All this, during just few days...
Last Saturday, my mother got a text message from my stepfather Kari. He was in Puerto de la Cruz, in the Tenererife.
Since it was written with weird shortcuts my mother didn't undestand the message. He said he was coming back. That's all she understood.
Now... and then came Sunday morning... around 5 am. My mother had woken at 4 am and I had been awake most of the night because I had slept most of the previous day and then woke up at 10 pm.
So, then... my mother's cellphone got a beeb, meaning a new text message.
It said "I'm I'm the airport now, can you came pick me up?"
Well this was a surprise because my mother and Kari had DIVORCED. It was his idea to leave in the first place, totally unplanned, to a completely another country he knew nothing about. He just left, just like that! All the money he got from selling his 300 cd collection, all the money he had... all went to the airplane ticket. And then he just goes to another courntry to live without any money. He only had his bag with his coin collection and a laptop given to him by some friend of his... that idiot wasn't able to even OPEN the laptop, goddammit...
So... like I was saying, my mother got a text message from Kari. Mom then decided to call him, confused about the text message, wanting to find out what his intentions were.
Well... to put it shortly, he had the assumption that now that he was back in Finland he was of course coming back to live here... like he was just on holiday.
Today I found out why he came back so soon. It's because he had so little money, his email friend who lived there didn't accept him he didn't get his apartment. Also, he lost his passport. He had to call his mother and brother to mail him money for the hotel bill. His brother was the one who got him the flight back.
He claims it's his right to live here till the middle of August when the divorce is final.
Today Mom and I were at Citymarket... Hannu called her, passing on a message from Kari. He said that Kari would like to go to our cabin on Pornainen. The answer is a strict no to that one. It's not only my mother's cabin, it's also the rest of my family's inheritance, built by my grandfather himself. LIKE HELL is he going there. Over my dead body, goddammit.
He said that he has some paper that says he has the right to live here till the end of August...
Fuck you, Kari. The hell you have any fucking "right" to live here anymore.
He said that he's going to call the police tonight and then they're going to come knocking our door tonight. *laughs*
Well then my mother is going to call the cops as well. It's our apartment, not his anymore. We decide who lives and doesn't live here.
I hate how this is affecting my mother. I hate it. I wish I could just help her somehow. I hug her everyday nowadays. But it doesn't seem to be enough... She calls her sister and my godmother when she needs someone to talk to. I'm so glad for that. I try to talk to her about it as well, but I know a part of her wants me to step back on certain things... like if I know too much, if I get too close, I'll be traumatized, or something. This is the second divorce during my life.
I just want my mom to be happy.
Good morning.
some updates worth mentioning:
Mom forgot to pay the internet bill. Just in case you were wondering why you haven't seen me on Elftown in about week and a half.
Besides that, mom and I have been just cleaning the house.
Janne (my brother) was here last weekend. He helped with the messy look of our home.
Pete's fur has been trimmed. He looks like a dalmatian now. O_o
not so important updates:
I have now read the two newest Harry Potter books. I can't wait for the Potter movie. As well as the Pirates 3 and Spiderman 3.
The Eurovisions are coming... and if you don't know by now, this year it's here in Hki.
I'm going to see Weeping Willows (Swedish pop/rock band, Sweden's second best band) this month.
Wuhuu, just nine days left.
I hope you are all fine. Now that I got my internet back, I'll catch up on everything I've missed.
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http://youtube
I did a really stupid thing today...
I just came home from seeing Mari. Her birthday was on the 7th, so that was our sort of celebrating it together.
We talked and laughed... caught up on things that had happened since the last time we met.
Well anyway, forward with the story. To the stupid thing I did.
After eating she said she needed to smoke a cigarette so we went to the railway station.
She lit her cigarette and I watched her smoke.
I've never smoked in my life. Ever.
I've always wondered why people enjoy it so much... I mean, the smell is disgusting. Why are people so addicted smoking?
As I watched Mari smoke, then, I had the brilliant idea to want to know what it's like. I have said it to Mari before a few times already that once in my life I would like to smoke one cigarette... but never before have I had the guts to ask.
So then and there, I just thought 'To hell with it, why not just try it once?'
Well, I asked Mari if I can try it and she gave it to me with a giggling look at me of what was to happen.
Well... I took the cigarette in my fingers and since I had never smoked before I asked what do I do now.
Mari said 'Just inhale it for a second or two'
Well I put the cigarette in my lips and inhaled... I reacted to the taste and smell of it by literally coughing my lungs out and repeating vittu (=fuck) and every other curseword that I could think of about 50 times and coughing over and again.... My eyes became watery and I had to sit on the cold ground to calm myself. Mari was pretty much laughing at my reaction the whole time. It took about 5-10 minutes alltogether for the coughing to stop...
And now I've had a headache since it. And my heart's beating fast...
I was scared how fast it was going, my heartbeat has never been so quick.
I'm thinking about going to take a shower to try to calm myself.
Not a smart thing to do. My lungs have now lost their virginity.
For some reason I thought this wouldn't happen.
Yesterday I asked him to make this easier for all of us and not to drink.
I actually thought that he'd be sober all week and then he'd leave to Puerto de la Cruz and be out of our lives forever...
I don't know why I am surprised.
Kari came home few minutes ago from the grocery store.
With 3 plastic bags full of beer.
*Sighs*
6 days left. Just 6 days.
I just have to stand him for 6 days anymore...
I woke up today around noon. I surfed online for about an hour then watched some Monty Python's Flying Circus.
Then around 4 or 5 pm my stepfather came knocking on my door. He said he was going to make pancakes. I said okay, fine, trying to get him to leave. He kept going on and on about it, he just wouldn't go away. I said three times to close the door, but he just ignored me. Then getting sick of hearing his voice, I walked to the door and closed it myself. And when I was at the door, I could smell alcohol on his breath.
About an hour and half later my mom opened my door and said "Could you come help me with Kari? He's lying on the floor"
Surprised of what was happening at the moment and not having heard anything about him in over an hour, I followed my mom and saw Kari fallen on the floor on the bathroom.
Mom and I helped him to stand by taking a grip from his shoulders. He was rather heavy since he has a rather big.."beer belly"..
Next, Mom guided him to the bathroom. I needed to clear my head so I went to walk Pete.
When I came back, Kari had gone sleeping.
Then Mom and I went to the sauna together. That relaxed and calmed us both.
By the way, Kari's attempts of making pancakes were completely unsuccessful. He put the flour and the eggs straight into the the frying pan... >_< I've never made pancakes myself, but EVEN I know that's not the way to do it.
So now it's 9:47 pm, Friday night. We came back home around after 8 and have been trying to calm ourselves again while cleaning the house a bit. Kari woke up around then, with a headache and he's a lot more calmer and bit disoriented. He knew that he had bumped his head and when he dreamt about being in heaven... O_O
I found out today what the whole Puerto de la cruz business was. Kari has an email friend who lives there and he's going to go live there. Brilliant, right? Except that he doesn't speak a word of English or any other language except Finnish... also the fact that he's very forgetful, so one minute he's a nice guy and the next moment he doesn't know where he even is, or what he the topic the conversation is, or what he just few minutes ago said, or doesn't know that he's repeating his words for for third time...
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about 30 minutes later:
I just came from his room, I helped him with his virus scanning program. We talked about computers and his trip,
I'm a little tired now. I've been writing this for about an hour. So I'm going to end it right here.
Good night
http://www.blo
Harry Potter and the Stargate SG-1? O_o :p
also... :D
http://www.mug
http://www.imd
I don't get it.
She isn't ugly at all.
"Ugly Betty" What a stupid name for a television show.
Hello
My stepfather has set a date when he will be leaving.
the 13th, which is friday, a week from now.
HOORAY!!
Weird thing happened though.. He asked me how to spell Puerto de la Cruz.. O_o
So I guess that's where he's going.
Another thing.
I'm sick. I have the flu (again, dammit!!!) and I've been sneezing all day...
so I feel quite horrible.
I'm thinking about maybe watching the first and my favourite Harry Potter movie to cheer me up.
That's all for now. Good night
http://www.you
I would really want to know what the extra verses mean...
Using http://lexin2.
Also I'm desperately waiting to find a torrent-file of Edgar Reitz's Heimat-trilogy
http://en.wiki
<3 http://www.you
After googling, I found out that... tada tadadaa - Ansgar and Evelyne are characters in that movie trilogy! ^^
Jocke Berg must've loved the movie since he wrote "I've always seen us as Ansgar and Evelyne" =)
Good evening.
I'm really tired. I just got home from walking around the center of Hki.
I bought candy. =)
I just needed to get out of this house for a while. I brought my camera with me as well, but I didn't find anything interesting to shoot.
Or maybe I was just too tired to notice. So I just walked around... everywhere. There is just something so very calming about taking a walk. Just walking, without any clear direction. To wherever your feet take you.
I told you I'm tired, I'm talking nonsense here. >_>
I ate kebab at the steps of the Church of Judgement and drank Pepsi Max. It was quite chilly, so it didn't do much good to the growing throatache I've had since this morning...
Tomorrow I'll have to do my English essay. And then Wednesday I'll have my English test. I can't wait!!!
I just love English tests. They're the only tests I know anything about.
So I'll come online after the test... unless I fall asleep with my clothes on, as soon I come home...
As I said, I'm very tired. I'm off to bed.
Good night, everyone. Sleep well, don't stay up too late and take care of yourselves.
This a translation of Ympyrä (Circle) by one of my favourite bands, Egotrippi. I hate that it's so short....
But I just wanted to share the beautiful words.
Night changes to the morning
it comes too early
From the sky fades
a star I was looking
Where do you come from?
Where are you going to?
When the night ends and your pictures fades
Circle closes
I know a place
where I can see the whole city
I'd show it to you
if I could still find it
Where are you going?
Where are you coming from?
When you're there everything goes away
Circle closes
Ta-dah!
Rice, chicken, shrimp, vegetables
Food a la Heidi, made at 3:30 am
I didn't burn it, so I must be getting better.
Weeping Willows: Looking for a home
Behind my smile there is a lot of pain
A forest fire of lust runs through my veins
My soul burns with a hunger for avenge
I'm better at making love than making friends
I claim to know the real thing from the fake
Cause I've already made the big mistake
But when she flutters back into my mind
I wave her off just like a buzzing fly
Chorus:
Ooooh, I'm just looking for a home
Ooooh, I'm just looking for a home
Watch me as I mingle in the bar
I'm searching for a girl who'll scratch my scars.
A little bit of me is more than much
I'm like a junkie hooked on human touch
I've learned to walk through life unsatisfied
I've learned to stow away the hurt inside
I'm like a spider clinging to a reed
Cause I don't get the things I really need
Chorus
I hope one day big love comes tumbling down
Well if it won't I know where I am bound
The grovel road of love seems mighty long
And hell is here on earth when you're alone
Chorus
I HATE my stepfather.
http://www.you
Feel free to sing along! ;)
Egotrippi - Iloinen aina
Katsokaa nyt tuota poikaa
kun kantaa noin murheita harteillaan
Ei kai painovoimaa voi voittaa
Pystyykö kukaan tuollaiseen
chorus:
Kai hän tietää ettei ihminen ole ehjä
jos ei voi nauraa
Kai hän tietää ettei ihminen olis ihminen
jos ei vois olla
chorus 2:
Iloinen aina
silloin kun haluaa
Iloinen aina
silloin on olo kuin taakka putoais pois
Katsokaa nyt tuota poikaa
kun kantaa noin murheita harteillaan
Eikö joku, joku vois auttaa
Ei kukaan pysty tuollaiseen
chorus
chorus 2
What a weird day.
I was locked inside my room at 10 am this morning for about an hour...
The door handle just fell off! and I couldn't get out :O
I tried calling Kari who was asleep and didn't hear it.
Then I sent a text message to Mom and she called Kari, he then woke up and came to open the door.
So I have to keep the door open or else the same thing happens again :P
The funny/embarras
This is infact my THIRD time during my life when I have been locked inside.
Am I really that stupid?! or is it just some "bad luck"?
Doors have grudge against me, I suppose... >_>
The cutest cat in the world award goes to... <3 Elvis <3
Mette
After I came home from school, my stepfather Kari told me that Mette was lost. He'd searched her everywhere around the house. I told him go walk Pete and I'd try to find her. Before he left to walk Pete he just mentioned the option that she might've dropped from the balcony. I was shocked. He was smoking on the balcony and tha cats were there, but because we have balcony glazing, one window was open because of the cigarette smoke.Apparently Elvis and Mette were walking on the railing, both coming from the opposite directions, and then meeting on the middle... Mette had apprerently dropped.
We live on the first floor so the drop is only like 2-3 meters.
The idiot that he is he of course didn't go search for Mette immediately..a
I came home around 7-8 pm.
Mette dropped to the ground around 1-2 pm according to Kari.
I felt panicked and more lost than I have ever felt in my life, wondering all the possible solutions if she had actually fallen to the ground and then wandered off to the highway... :(
So first I searched the whole house down, going through all Mette's usual hiding places. I searched everywhere, she wasn't anywhere to be seen. Elvis was wondering where his sister was, walking around as lost as I was...
Worried to death as I was, I got dressed quickly as possible, went outside to search for her.
I was getting desperate and on the verge of crying after 20 minutes of searching and walking around in circles.
After trying to spot any moving object in the distance, going through the grass area, most of the forest and the jogging path... I went under the balcony... I didn't see anything, I mistook a gray object as a cat from that distance and was disappointed when it was just a rock.
I kept searching...
I was losing places to look from. Out of nowhere, I decided to walk to the right from under the balcony. I caught a "lump" of somesort on my right eye on the basement window. Not knowing what it was, I still decided to just check it.
When I got closer to the "lump"... I noticed it was gray. And an animal.
When I right in front of it, I recognized that it was a an animal indeed- a cat!!
It was Mette curled up on a fetus position... I was so happy, I took her in my arms and hugged her tightly. She was a bit cold although today has been a warm day. She made some small miau sounds happy to see me, and I just held her in my arms, happy that I found her.
Then i took her home. Elvis was as if nothing had happened.
If I hadn't found her, I never would have never been able to forgive myself.
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cat pictures ---> http://s48.pho
By the way, no one should ever see Bloodrayne.
'This film is currently ranking at #81 on IMDb's bottom 100.'
--------->> http://imdb.co
Hmm. Looking at that list, it just makes me wonder all those movies... I'd really like to see some of them. Just for the fun of it >_>
I'm seriously thinking about downloading 'Gigli' for example.
It's been mocked by so many people... I want to know what the hype is all about! xD
I don't get why 'Police Academy: Mission to Moscow' is on the list... :O
also that 'Toter hing im Netz, Ein (1960)' seems really interesting..
En route to a show in Singapore, a troupe of beautiful dancers are stranded on a deserted island by a plane crash. Their routine of skinny-dipping and devising new skimpy outfits is interrupted when a radioactive spider bites their manager and turns him into a wild-eyed, furry-faced monster with three fangs and a passion for strangling... *giggles* XD
it's 9 am and I still haven't been able to get any sleep. >_> I'm so easily amused.
for the rest ---> http://s48.pho