SECONDS.FROM.THE.END.WHATS.IT.GONNA.BE?!?!


Dry your eyes
Hide your face with your hands
One last breath
Hold it in

Fuck your past
The future
Is in your hand

Just sit back and relax
Put your fucking shades on
Put that gun to your head
You're a fucking disgrace

Can your god save you now?

You coward

Drowning yourself
In your tears
No one has
Pity for you

Seconds from the end
What's it gonna be
Pull the trigger bitch

havnt been in the greatest of moods....
cant seem to get out of this coma like feeling.


everything is just.....there, its not really anything at all

it doesn't mean much

it doesn't mean anything at all

the life I've left behind me

is a cold room

I've crossed the last line

from where I can't return

where every step I took in faith

betrayed me

and led me from my home

and sweet

sweet surrender

is all that I have to give

you take me in

no questions asked

you strip away the ugliness

that surrounds me

are you an angel

am I already that gone

I only hope

that I won't disappoint you

when I'm down here

on my knees

and sweet

sweet

sweet surrender

is all that I have to give

sweet

sweet

sweet surrender

is all that I have to give

and I don't understand

by the touch of your hand

I would be the one to fall

I miss the little things

oh I miss everything

it doesn't mean much

it doesn't mean anything at all

the life I left behind me

is a cold room

finding out your not pregnant after trying for 2 months is heartbreaking. Im sorry Hun. /sigh guuuuuuuuuessss this means we'll haaaaaaave to keep trying.... ^.^!!
heehee

apparently you dont get it...

FUCK

1 month and your leaving for boot camp. 6 months without you. I cherish everyday with you until the day you leave. We are going to Frankenmuth for 2 days, im excited!!! Then I will see you off, watch you get onto that bus, and smile back at you. Because your coming back to me ^.^ These 6 months will be worth it in the future, because when you get back, we'll live together!!! ^.^!!!

we looked at engagement rings yesturday, I tried the ring on that I'v wanted ever since I saw it! ^.^ It's so pretty!!!!!! And you tryed on one you liked. "indestructable rings you can wear in the army!" haha

You wanted me to write you EVERYDAY so you sha'll reciever a letter everyday from me hun ^.^ your going to kick ass at boot camp ^.^

AND I AM SO PROUD OF YOU.
AND PROUD TO HAVE A FIANCE' THATS GOING INTO THE ARMY!!!

I got naked and looked in the mirror. at my whole body, what else is there to it? its just a body, people drool over this, and thats all they see. But YOU, you see beyond my body, sure you enjoy it, but you see whats inside, you may hate it somedays, but you ALWAYS love whats inside. My body changed this past month, along with that so did the inside. you saw what changed on the outside, but you were blind this time, and havnt seen the inside yet. 

I love you

ANGER.SWARMS.ME.


I hate how its a secret to you.

The whole time I was driving home I was thinking about how I could make us even better. I'v decided to stop smoking for you, because I know that would make you so happy. And I thought about how I dont want to seem controlling and I am letting you do EVERYTHING and ANYTHING you want to do. no matter if I agree to it or not. and I'v stuck to my word

what did you think about?

Things were very hot that day...

I pulled into "our spot" I turned off the car, the light turned on when I pulled the keys halfway out, I looked at you and you smiled and said "I love you" I said it back to you, of course. you scooted to one side of the passengers seat and pulled me into the other half. I cuddled into you and we lie there for a few. I felt like I belonged, and nothing could hurt me, the whole world could fall and as long as I was in your grip I'd be okay. I lay on my back, and you kiss me, I kissed back, and let our tongues dance, you played with my collar bone, and gripped my ribs, I scratched down your chest, and back up to your shoulders. you asked if I would lay naked, I didnt argue, I dont think I wanted to argue with you at the point we're at right now. I took my clothes off leaving my black thong on, and my knee high socks. You rubbed my thighs up and down, leaning over me stealing kisses from my lips. you took your clothes off next, but left your shirt on. we lie in the passenger seat, like every other day, together. I lay with my back to you, you up against my body holding me, and kissing me. I move myself so Im half way ontop of you, back still facing you. I twist around so I can still kiss you. you ran your hands across my breasts, and I shivered, I felt myself become very cold. I layed my head down on the seat with my arm around the back of your neck. I felt exposed. you touched me all over, you grazed your hands on every inch of me. you payed attention to my breasts the most, you massaged them and lightly ran your finger tips across them. I lay there enjoying the feeling, not just of pleasure but to be in your arms. not caring if you feel the same. I lay my head into your chest and part of your shoulder. I close my eyes and imagine that day I told you was my favorite, in the past. You ran your hand down my stomach, even lower than that...the felt your hands slowly moving down, more and more. I flinched, and moved, squirmed a bit...I didnt know if I wanted it at first, but you did it anyways and I fell into it. I perked my ass out, how you like. that drove you crazy, and in moments you were inside me. I gasped, even though I knew it was coming. 

we were both sideways, my back arched, pushing my breasts out..that drove you mad, you gripped me so roughly, and I went submissive. I was yours, you made me that way. Like you said you wanted to do. it lasted a while. you kept groaning and breathing heavily you gripped my hands with yours, then your hands moved back to my chest, you felt me up over and over again, telling me how much you loved my body, and how beautiful I was, all I could do was smile, I felt so pretty to you. you gave me a hickey on my neck that I have to try and hide for work now >.< but it was well worth that night with you, You couldnt get enouhg of me.. you turned me over on my stomach, and pushed yourself in me again. and gripped my hips... that time didnt last as long. before I knew it I climbed into the drivers seat and got dressed...
I drove you to the end of your drive and we hugged, you kissed me. You told me you loved me countless times before you finally walked down your drive. I signed "I love you" and blew you a kiss. you signed "I love you too" and you caught the kiss I blew to you, and blew one back at me..like we do everynight. I pulled out and drove away, you walked down your drive to your house. 

A brain that never stops ticking,
sometimes an on-off switch would sure come in handy
A mind that's constantly cutting up and dissecting,
looking for answers, committing murders along the way

Is it the red wire, or the blue wire
just pick one and cut, it just doesn't matter anymore
or did it ever, cause I could never control
when the bomb would explode
Oh god I love you, I mean forever
I left my body behind to break the news
looks like it's over, please remember
all of the things I never got a chance to say
like you look smashing in your fourth grade picture,
the one that we hung by the door,
in our house that was so beautiful
Yeah, here in our little home

If this medication upsets your stomach,
take it with crackers, bread, or a small meal
We understand it won't do shit towards a cure
But if you buy this, I promise you're gonna like
the way it makes you feel

Last night was so great Michael. We didnt argue or fight once! I came to get you, and when you got into my car and we drove to boardwalk and I stopped the car and was about to open the door. you said "wait" and we looked eachother in the eyes, and we kissed you told me "you look so beautiful today" I wanted to cry. (happy tears of course) we walked and I talked the whole time while you listened, we stopped a few times on boardwalk just to kiss, and we looked out at the water, while you held me from behind and sniffed my hair like you used to. It was amazing.

I drove to our spot in the woods away from everything and everyone. We talked for a while in my car, and things got hot. I stripped down to nothing, as you grazed over my entire body with your hands, telling me "I love your body" we lay in the front seat of the car kissing and you pleasured me so quickly, you took off your clothes and moved on top of me, it all began with a gasp from my lips, and we were back together. You didnt hurt me, you were so gentle with me, like I was so important to you, you wanted it all to be perfect, and it was. The whole time we were making love you kept looking into my eyes like you always did, kissing me, starring at my body moving with yours, the windows fogged and the car was steaming hot, we were sweating and breathing heavily, you told me "I Love you Court" I looked back up at you and said "I love you too" it felt like it lasted forever, Im sure it did for you too ^.^ You came inside me, and you asked me "how does it feel to be pregnant" I told you "it sucks" and giggled. but really what I was thinking "as long as its with you, it's so great" I drove you home a while after, I hate driving away from you. You wait for me to drive until you cant see my break lights anymore before you start walking up your drive, I notice that everytime. You still do that for me...and I love you for it.

so I ask you this, how does it feel making me pregnant? ^.^

trying to get pregnant...
This is fun

xoxoxo


I loves you ^.^

To have lost everything that mattered....hurts.

Im sorry

I have so much on my mind, but I just cant seem to get it down in writing...I dont know where to begin, or how to put things. 
Had the worse news anyone could ever hear in their life, I didnt know what to say to it, or how I should react, all I could do is cry, and be afraid. I just wanted you there with me while the doctor told me, Im still shaking. I want everything to be okay. Now that this has happened I feel like its opened another door, to yet another maze. After everything that has happened, then I get this news? You say its karma? It doesnt feel like anything but fear.

Maybe I got what I deserved.

Judge me...and ill proove you wrong.
Tell me what to do...and I'll tell you off.
Say Im not worth it...watch where I end up.
Call me a bitch...and I'll show you one.
Screw me over...and I'll do it to you twice as bad.
Call me crazy...but really you have no idea.

I miss the sound of your voice
And I miss the rush of your skin
And I miss the still of the silence
As you breathe out and I breathe in

If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
make you believe
make you forget

I miss the sound of your voice
The loudest thing in my head
And I ache to remember
All the violent, sweet
Perfect words that you said

I miss the pull of your heart
I taste th

e sparks on your tongue
I see angels and devils
And God, when you come on
Hold on

'Cause everything works, love
Everything works in your arms

faith is in me