Wow, here I am. (= I been running around crazy. Finals are this week and next week. I need to do good so I been focusing on that. Well, not so much focusing.. but giving it more attention than I been. Yeh, go me. Pray that I do good!


I haven't heard from him since Saturday. He said he was goin to call me after the lil Prom/Sweet 16 party thing and he didn't. And he told me we will talk on Sunday, but well.. that didn't happen either. I think why I get so upset is because I let my hopes get up way high and everytime, it falls back down.

I love him with all of my heart, but sometimes.. I feel like he doesn't even care how much I care. He keeps how he feels about me locked up so I don't know if he even cares anymore. He said he was going to mail me something. I am not getting my hopes up over this. I am going to give him my address and if I get something, I'll dance all day. If I don't, then it won't matter cause I am not getting excitied over it. I can't let myself get way happy about it.

He is everything I want and more, but I don't have a clue how he feels. I wish I knew. I love him so much. Sometimes I cry because my feelings are so strong and I have no clue how he feels. It kills me. All I want is him.



---
I'm gonna tear your ass up like we just got married
And you're all mine now
Tonight is the night we've been waiting for all our lives
Or maybe for just mine
So get your ass up cause you're in no hurry
like I am now
I'm getting older and older all of the time
or maybe for just tonight
--------




I will always love you.
(=

Ahh, here I am again.

Some of you know, some of you don't, but today is a day that I hate. I hate this day with a passion. For those that don't know.. then let me just fill you right on in.



My 7th grade year in school, I met this guy named Justin Smith. He lived by my dads house in Gonzales. Anyway..Justin and I became really extra super-duper close because a lot of weekends my dad would go out and Justin would come over and visit and stay with me till my dad came home. He was a year old than I. Anyway, we hung out a lot and talked on the phone a lot and what not. He was really a great guy/friend. My dad loved him, my family loved him, and my friends that lived in Gonzales loved him. He was just a well-rounded guy and cute too. (I'll look for his pic and scan it so I can show it) Anyway.. Justin one day called me and asked when I was coming to my dads again and it just so happened I was coming that weekend. He told me he needed to talk to me big time so I told him that Saturday, we can hang out and talk. Like usual, my dad would leave around 7pm and go out to where-ever and Justin would come over right after. Usually Justin was an active-hyper all the time kid, but tonight.. he looked so sad. So, I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing. Finally after about 20mins of trying to get whatever it was bothering out of him, he told me. His mom and dad wanted to move. I thought "cool" because the apartments were not that great. But I was wrong. His dad got this greatgreatgreat job offer and he couldn't pass it up so they were moving to Tenn. I was sad, heart-broken, and scared. I thought I was never going to see him again. He told me they were leaving in a month and his dad already found a house for them up there and every weekend, his dad and mom was going to bring their stuff up there. I didn't want him to go. So I cried, he held me, and we fell asleep watching "Great Balls of Fire". That month flew by quickly and he was gone. I remember being sad for when I went to my dads house because I had nothing to do. Yeah, I had the internet, but no one to talk to and keep me company for when my dad left and went on about his business. Well, me and Justin did keep in touch. He called me everyday and we talked online very often. Soon the phonecalls started becoming lesser and lesser and then it got where I heard from him once a week, and then got to where I heard from him once a month, and then where I never heard from him. I started to call, but he was never home. I understood though, he had a life and he was living it. Well, he called me out of the blue one day and it was. I was happy. He called to tell me happy birthday and he wished he was here to share it with me. It made my day. I turned 15 that year. Anyway.. on and off I heard from him and what not. I was busy and so was he. He called on holidays and special occasions or whenever the movie, "Great Balls of Fire" was playing, but he was so different. He wasn't the Justin I knew. I hated it sometimes because he became this lil asshole, but yet he never lost his cool with me. Well, after about a year of not hearing from him, I called and his brother answered. His brother told me that Justin was on every kind of drug, he got a girl pregnant, he got exspelled from school, and just traveling down the wrong road. I was so upset. This wasn't my Justin. My Justin was smart and he knew right from wrong, but he has been hanging with the wrong crowd. About two nights later after that conversation with his brother, Justin called me and he was furious with me because I talked to his brother and he wanted to know what his brother told me. We got into a HUGE HUGE fight and I hung up on him. I never called him back. About two or three months later after that, he called me. We talked from 9pm-6am. We discussed everything! He told me what was going on and what happened. He told me he wanted to turn his life around and he wanted my help. Therefore, he asked me to go visit him and be there for when he told his parents everything. I was proud of him. I told him that I'll talk to my mom about it and let him know after what she said. Before we hung up he told me, "Jalyn, I love you more than you'll ever know and I can't wait to see you. You are my angel. Thank you and goodnight." I went to sleepy happy. I was so excitied. I woke up around noon and I ran into my moms room and asked her if I could go see him and what-not. She told me to ask my dad because she didn't know him. So, I called my dad at work and he told me it'll be my Christmas/Easter present, I told him that was fine. By this time it was 2:00pm and I started to dial Justin's #. It rang forever and I got the answering machine so I hung up. I tried all day and finally about 9pm, I got his brother. He sounded upset and usually before I asked for Justin, I'd talk to his brother. Well, he asked me if I was sitting down, I said yes. Then he proceeded to ask me questions. He asked when was the last time I talked to Justin, I told him last night onto this morning, we hung up at 6am. His brother started to cry and told me the worst news ever. Justin killed himself at 6:15am after we hung up. 15mins after we hung up, he shot himself in head. I told his brother to stop playing and to hand Justin the phone, but when he started to cry more.. I knew he wasn't joking anymore. I started to cry and his brother started to tell me all the details of what happened and what not. I felt numb. I couldn't believe it. I was going see him, he can't be dead. We hung up and I went to sleep. The rest of the week, I felt sick, sad, and just like someone shot me in the face. The following week, I got a letter in the mail and it was from Justin. He has this planned the whole time. He told me in the letter the reason he asked me to come visit is because he wanted me to hang up happy, not sad. I was so mad at him for doing this to me, but I am more mad at him leaving me. To this day.. I still think about how it would have been. )= .. If only.


So there.. that is why I hate today.


[sighs..yep]




Anyway, he finally called me. His friend passed away and I feel horrible because I can't be there to help him through this. I wanna be there with him. I wanna hold his hand, wipe his tears, hold him close, and just be his lil friend. I wanna do anything I can for him. I hope he calls me soon.


I love you.

Ah, another entry. I am sleepy. I might go to bed soon. I have to be up early tomorrow because I have to videotape my step-mom for a documentry for my film class. I'll email the teacher later about it.


Rawr, nothing is new. I haven't talked to him since Thursday after he told me he didn't wanna talk anymore because he was mad. I miss him. I miss him terribly. His cellphone has been off and he hasn't been online. I hope he is okay. I am going to freak soon. I hope he calls me soon, like real soon. I miss his voice, his i love yous, his words, .. his everything. I just want him to call me.


My head hurts.


I love you.
I hope you know that.

Ah, here I am. I am sitting here, listening to Acceptance, and thinking about everything that has happened recently in my life. A lot of things have changed and it kinda makes me wonder if this is the part of growing up or acting up? I am not sure. I been annoyed lately, but that is due to ignorant bigots. I hate people.


He said he was going on that date. )= I wish it was me who was going on that date. Then again, we aren't together anymore. Why am I so sad? I think became he made me realize something and it is on repeat in my head.

Me: Why is this break-up so hard?
Him: Because I am actually trying this time.


..Trying THIS TIME? What about the rest of the year we dated? Was that just a waste of your year or what? Everytime I close my eyes, I hear him saying that. I am not upset over it, but I realized... I was trying to, but you shouldn't have to try at a relationshpi. It should come naturally, like it did in the beginning. Then again, he had more time for me a year ago. I know I have to understand that he has a life and what not, but it hurts for when I need him and he isn't there. When things go wrong or even right, I wanna tell him about it. I want him to hear it and help me. I want his advice nd his comforting words to tell me it'll be okay. But 7 times out of 10 he isn't there. He is busy or he can't find his cellphone or SOMETHING goes wrong. Everytime. And he wonders why I get so impatient and upset. If he was in my shoes for a day, he would understand why I get upset. But then again.. if I was in his shoes for a day, maybe I'd understand. But since we both live seperate lives and never hardly ever are together, we will never know. After nearly two years, you think our relationship would have progressed, but it hasn't. We are still where we were for when we first met. [Smiles] I remember that day. Gosh do I remember that day.


I miss him.


I love you.