I bind myself in false images of people. I learned something new about myself today. I suspect too much out of people. I want something no one can give me. I find myself searching for answers from people I never met in person. I also found myself searching to be friends to people I never met before, some I succeed.. others I do not. I bend and shape myself around those I wish to like me or at least find me amusing. Then again, the whole time.. I am truly myself. Does this make sense? No, actually it does not. But to me it does.


I hold other peoples expectations over my head, not what they want from me, but what they want for themselves. I'll help anyone in a instant with anything. I'll do anything (not just anything) with anyone in an instant. I find myself to be a great friend and person. I put others before me and never question why they are ahead of me, but then I get mad for when something great happens to those that I put ahead of me. Why? Because I never get a thanks or notice for what good deeds I do. I am always pushed back up against the wall and then I am easliy forgotten, but yet.. the imprint of my body is always there.


I get treated like shit from those I care most about and I get picked on for every lil thing I do, but yet.. when they want or need something, I am the first they call. I help because I love my friends, but then again.. I hate them for what they do to me. Do they notice it? No, never. They are too perfect. They build their perfection up to a higher level and make it seem like I am so small even though I am the one that helped them build their tower of misery. I always thought one day I'd show everyone how good of a person I am, but I keep failing at the things that help me get to where I want to be. I am not conceited, but I am starting to notice things. I guess you can say my eyes are getting opened. I finally got a slap of reality.



Here is my lil rant. Okay, I find myself to be a nice, sweet, decent, patient, funny, and sometimes.. downright too generous person. And I notice no matter what I do, I can't please everyone and yes, I know it is stupid for me to even try something like thta. But this is how I am. Take it or leave it. I find myself thinking about why I can't make people happy and then I realize its b/c they don't wanna be. I give up. I don't wanna be that person that is miserable unless everyone is happy. I am tired of trying to put smiles on people face. It is exhausting. Also, I worry too much about everyone else that I don't even stop to think about myself. I don't like that about myself either. I was going through my AIM list about 4mins ago and I realized half of the people on there NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER message me, but yet I message them just to say HI and HOW ARE YOU and they never ask it back. Example?


Me: Hey.
Them: Hey.
Me: How are you?
Them: Good.


And thats it. That is our conversation. WOW! That is a good conversation, can't you tell? Makes me all happy in the pants, NOT. I get so annoyed with shit like that. Why should I try if they don't? I can talk to a wall, but I am tired of talkin to walls. Its like pulling teeth to get some people to talk. Why? I have no clue. Am I that annoying, weird, stupid, or just.. ______ (fill in the blank)? I don't get myself at all or people anymore. I hate humanity.


I found myself thinking about animals and I got so upset and started to cry because I started to think about people that are cruel to animals. I am on this message board and this girl was talking about how she seen someone bury a cat from head down and ran the cat over with a lawnmower, WTF? Are you stupid? Why would you do that? How is that funny or even .. slightly fun?! I don't get it. Or the people that like dog fighting or rooster fighting? WTF? Why would you do that? Why is it funny to watch animals fight till the death of one of them? [sniffs] I am crying just thinking about it. People like that should get drugged up and fight till they die? How about that? Hell, people might find that funny as well. Our world is fucked up and so are the people in it. It makes me so mad to sit here and call myself human. Yes, I do stupid things, but not as ignorant as some peoples. They just don't think, at all.


Then I started to think about those that get abused by men (or in some cases, women). Why would you do that? Why would you beat up someone else? Is it a mental problem or is it something you just enjoy? Personally, I think no one should be hit unless it is out of defense, but just random beating up someone for the hell of it? FUCK NO. Beat up yourself for fuck sakes. Mental, phyiscal, or emotional abuse is horrible. I been there with the mental/emotinal abuse and it isn't fun. It hurts and it is carried with you till you die. I hate the feeling of someone making me feel small. Someone just recently did it and it made me so mad. I don't care if it wasn't from their point of view, but it was from mine. Don't belittle me. I am not your toy. I am not here for your pleasure.



Now my head is running around about those women that killed their kids and blamed it on either black people or PMS. Fuck you. Why would you kill your kids? If you can't handle it then please give 'em up for an adoption or leave 'em on a doorstep, at least they'll have their life. Why would you take away innocent lives? Lets drown you, burn you with hot hot water, or beat your head with some heavy rocks. How would you like that? I don't think you would like that too much. I see eye for an eye on a lot of things and it just bothers me how our government handles situations. If you don't have money then you are fucked. Fucked in the ass.



All I have to say now is...




America, bend over, pull your buttcheeks apart, and stand still. Because you are about to get royally fucked for the rest of your life.












I still haven't heard from him. I gave up, but I am not giving up.

I love you and miss you.



if only i had the guts to feel this way.
if only, i look at you and you
would want to stay.

I give up. I can't do this anymore. Him not answering his phone is killing me. I can't sit around and wait and hope on him anymore.


I love you, but I just can't take this.

Love and electricity are one in the same, my dear. If you do not feel the jolt in your soul every time a kiss is shared, a whisper is spoken, a touch is felt, then your not really in love at all.















I love you and miss you. /:

I miss him so badly right now. It is killing me. It is slowly killing me. I want him so badly right now. He has his phone on, but like always.. he isn't answering. What else is new?


..Nothing, nothing at all.



I will always love you.

I am better today, but not much better. My mood is still horrible. I just wanna crack some skulls. Well, one skull really. Okay, I really don't wanna crack it. I just wanna make sure he understands where I am coming from. He drills it into my head that I have to understand where he is coming from and what not, but what about me? How about you understand my position?


I love you and miss you.

My phone accidently hung up and you got on the other line and then you turn your phone off. That just pissed me off to no end.


I am tired of these games.
I am tired of not having you around for when I need you the most.
I am tired of trying to reach you at "decent times".
I am tired of holding my pillow and pretending its you.
I am tired of crying myself to sleep at night.
I am tired of missing you.
I am tired of wondering where you are and if you are okay.
I am tired of praying to GOD about you because I know he is tired of hearing the same prayer over and over again.
I am tired of wishing on stars for you.
I am tired of hoping my phone will ring and it'll be you.
I am tired of trying to reach you for when I need you the most.
I am tired of you having your phone on and never answering.



I am sorry about earlier, I am. My phone accidently hung up and I called back and you were on the other line and then you turn your phone off. Not cool.


We are going around in circles. You say you wanna try again, but yet.. you are NEVER HERE. How can I understand what is going on for if I never hear from you?

..Maybe its best if we go seperate ways.


Right now, I am tired of crying and telling myself .. everything will be okay.

















Phone me once in a while
Let me know you're alright
Tell you again that I'm fine
Then we go about our separate lives

Today.. sucks.

Okay, today was stupid. I woke up way too early so that pissed me off. And you were right, Gene did not call me at all. I knew he wouldn't. [sighs..yep] And of course his phone off for the night. Freakin' figures. He tells me to understand, but he can't understand where I am coming up. I get my hopes up thinking I am going to hear from him and I don't. Sometimes I think he likes to get my hopes up just so he can bring them down again. He hurts me for when he does that shit. I cry and get so upset. I hate when people say they will call me and don't. That makes me mad because I usually wait for the phonecall, but I never get it. I love him and will do anything for him, but sometimes.. I wish he could see how I see it. I understand he is busy, has a life, and does things almost 24/7, but he has to understand that you can't keep breaking your word. I know we aren't dating right now, but if we were.. he has to understand he has to keep the relationship up as well. It isn't a once a week thing. A relationship is 24hours a day and what not. Sometimes I need him really really badly and he keeps his phone off, but then .. out of the blue, its on and HE NEVER ANSWERS. What if I am near death and I wanna tell him I love him? I can't because he won't turn the phone on or answer for when I call. That upsets me so much. .. I don't think he even knows that I cry myself to sleep often and its usually about him.


Ok, back to what I was saying.. I woke up way too early because of my dogs bladder. He can't seem to hold it at all. Got ready, headed to school. Got stuck in traffic and then when I got there, the teacher was way way late, and just annoyed me to no end. Then I go in the library and start writing some of my English paper and I see him, Blake. Blake is hot hot. I talked to a girl that knows him and she said I wouldn't wanna mess with him cause he is bad news, but he is so effin' hot. Oh gosh, I'd take him home and .. rawr. Anway.. I went to Sociology, but class was cancelled. Then I go to library again and sit by Blake, then Britney comes, and we all talk. Then I skip English so I can get somewheres with that effin' paper. (Anybody wanna help me?) Didn't succeed because I ended up leaving with Johnathon and Leah. We go to Sicilys on Blubonnet and eat pizza and what not. Then to Best Buy and I bought 2 FallOutBoy CDs and the new Starting Line CD. Then we head to my dads house and watch two movies. Then I came home.


Nothing too exciting. Tomorrow I devote myself to writing my English paper and doing the extra credit for Philsophy. I wanna do good on both so I will get it done by tomorrow night. Well, I don't have to have the English paper done till Tuesday so yeah. I have two finals on Thursday. Philsophy and Sociology. Tomorrow I will study for both of those as well. So if I am online, tell me to go study or do my papers because if you don't, then I will never do it. I am so bad with shit like that.


I just been blah lately. I hope after this semester, I'll be better. I need to be better. I wanna be better. I hope to be better. This semester has been really kicking my ass. I fell behind and been trying to catch up since. Not a good thing to fall back and that is what I did.


I have so many effin' birthdays this month as well. If you have one, just add it on in a comment. I have to buy Ronnie, Dustin, and Danielle something. Jesus.. I am poor too. Time to start saling plasma or some shit of that nature. Not sure yet. I don't know what I am goin to get them. I know Ronnie a shirt, Dustin .. not sure, and Danielle, no clue. FUCK. I hate this. )= Poor me.


Friday is my old schools graduation. Anyone wanna go to a party, let me know. You can come! I am trying to get some people to go with me b/c I think it'll be fun. It's B.Y.O.B though so .. yeah, supply for yoself foo'. I know I am going to get Dustin to buy me Jim Beam and I am going to get a ice chest and put some cherry coke in it. Oh yes, I am getting fucked up. I am so ready. I am going to get a big cup so I don't have to keep going back to the car to make more. I don't have a big cup though. Oh well. I know I am going to see all my friends that I graduated with back in 2003. It will feel weird, but I'll put on a bright smile and tell everyone HEY. My brother and his wife are going, I just remembered. Maybe I'll ride with them so I can drink more unless some people wanna go with me. SOMEONE COME WITH ME PLZ. Kthnx.

How I feel.. /:






"Bedroom Talk" - The Starting Line

I got the talk when I was younger
And understood as I recall,
they hadn't mentioned this at all.
My heart was racing like a sprinter
That tripped and fell
In love with a girl just for tonight and that's all

I've got big, big plans
And they've got to mean something more
than just once
I just don't know what I want

I'm gonna tear your ass up like we just got married
And you're all mine now
Tonight is the night we've been waiting for all our lives
Or maybe for just tonight

I got the call when I was older
Yeah and I understood
If it happens then it happens and that's all
My arms the hose and you're the fire
Out of control and I've got put you out
Before there's nothing left at all

I've got big, big plans
And they've got to mean something more than just once
I just don't know, I don't know
I don't know, I don't know
I don't know, I don't know
I just don't know what I want

I'm gonna tear your ass up like we just got married
And you're all mine now
Tonight is the night we've been waiting for all our lives
Or maybe for just mine
So get your ass up cause you're in no hurry
like I am now
I'm getting older and older all of the time
or maybe for just tonight

And the next part is the hardest
To admit and explain but I've got to get it right
She said
"I'll chew you up and spit you out like all them.
I'm gonna put you right back in my mouth
You're gonna stay like that for now"
I will always love you

I said I tore your ass up like we just got married
And you're all mine now
Tonight is the night we've been waiting for all our lives
Or maybe its just:
You've gotta get your ass up cause
you're in no hurry
Like I am now
Im getting older and older all of the time

Let's go one more time

I'm gonna tear your ass up like we just got married
And you're all mine now
Tonight is the night we've been waiting for all our lives
Or maybe it's just mine
Over tonight
Yeah yeah yeah

Wow, here I am. (= I been running around crazy. Finals are this week and next week. I need to do good so I been focusing on that. Well, not so much focusing.. but giving it more attention than I been. Yeh, go me. Pray that I do good!


I haven't heard from him since Saturday. He said he was goin to call me after the lil Prom/Sweet 16 party thing and he didn't. And he told me we will talk on Sunday, but well.. that didn't happen either. I think why I get so upset is because I let my hopes get up way high and everytime, it falls back down.

I love him with all of my heart, but sometimes.. I feel like he doesn't even care how much I care. He keeps how he feels about me locked up so I don't know if he even cares anymore. He said he was going to mail me something. I am not getting my hopes up over this. I am going to give him my address and if I get something, I'll dance all day. If I don't, then it won't matter cause I am not getting excitied over it. I can't let myself get way happy about it.

He is everything I want and more, but I don't have a clue how he feels. I wish I knew. I love him so much. Sometimes I cry because my feelings are so strong and I have no clue how he feels. It kills me. All I want is him.



---
I'm gonna tear your ass up like we just got married
And you're all mine now
Tonight is the night we've been waiting for all our lives
Or maybe for just mine
So get your ass up cause you're in no hurry
like I am now
I'm getting older and older all of the time
or maybe for just tonight
--------




I will always love you.
(=

Ahh, here I am again.

Some of you know, some of you don't, but today is a day that I hate. I hate this day with a passion. For those that don't know.. then let me just fill you right on in.



My 7th grade year in school, I met this guy named Justin Smith. He lived by my dads house in Gonzales. Anyway..Justin and I became really extra super-duper close because a lot of weekends my dad would go out and Justin would come over and visit and stay with me till my dad came home. He was a year old than I. Anyway, we hung out a lot and talked on the phone a lot and what not. He was really a great guy/friend. My dad loved him, my family loved him, and my friends that lived in Gonzales loved him. He was just a well-rounded guy and cute too. (I'll look for his pic and scan it so I can show it) Anyway.. Justin one day called me and asked when I was coming to my dads again and it just so happened I was coming that weekend. He told me he needed to talk to me big time so I told him that Saturday, we can hang out and talk. Like usual, my dad would leave around 7pm and go out to where-ever and Justin would come over right after. Usually Justin was an active-hyper all the time kid, but tonight.. he looked so sad. So, I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing. Finally after about 20mins of trying to get whatever it was bothering out of him, he told me. His mom and dad wanted to move. I thought "cool" because the apartments were not that great. But I was wrong. His dad got this greatgreatgreat job offer and he couldn't pass it up so they were moving to Tenn. I was sad, heart-broken, and scared. I thought I was never going to see him again. He told me they were leaving in a month and his dad already found a house for them up there and every weekend, his dad and mom was going to bring their stuff up there. I didn't want him to go. So I cried, he held me, and we fell asleep watching "Great Balls of Fire". That month flew by quickly and he was gone. I remember being sad for when I went to my dads house because I had nothing to do. Yeah, I had the internet, but no one to talk to and keep me company for when my dad left and went on about his business. Well, me and Justin did keep in touch. He called me everyday and we talked online very often. Soon the phonecalls started becoming lesser and lesser and then it got where I heard from him once a week, and then got to where I heard from him once a month, and then where I never heard from him. I started to call, but he was never home. I understood though, he had a life and he was living it. Well, he called me out of the blue one day and it was. I was happy. He called to tell me happy birthday and he wished he was here to share it with me. It made my day. I turned 15 that year. Anyway.. on and off I heard from him and what not. I was busy and so was he. He called on holidays and special occasions or whenever the movie, "Great Balls of Fire" was playing, but he was so different. He wasn't the Justin I knew. I hated it sometimes because he became this lil asshole, but yet he never lost his cool with me. Well, after about a year of not hearing from him, I called and his brother answered. His brother told me that Justin was on every kind of drug, he got a girl pregnant, he got exspelled from school, and just traveling down the wrong road. I was so upset. This wasn't my Justin. My Justin was smart and he knew right from wrong, but he has been hanging with the wrong crowd. About two nights later after that conversation with his brother, Justin called me and he was furious with me because I talked to his brother and he wanted to know what his brother told me. We got into a HUGE HUGE fight and I hung up on him. I never called him back. About two or three months later after that, he called me. We talked from 9pm-6am. We discussed everything! He told me what was going on and what happened. He told me he wanted to turn his life around and he wanted my help. Therefore, he asked me to go visit him and be there for when he told his parents everything. I was proud of him. I told him that I'll talk to my mom about it and let him know after what she said. Before we hung up he told me, "Jalyn, I love you more than you'll ever know and I can't wait to see you. You are my angel. Thank you and goodnight." I went to sleepy happy. I was so excitied. I woke up around noon and I ran into my moms room and asked her if I could go see him and what-not. She told me to ask my dad because she didn't know him. So, I called my dad at work and he told me it'll be my Christmas/Easter present, I told him that was fine. By this time it was 2:00pm and I started to dial Justin's #. It rang forever and I got the answering machine so I hung up. I tried all day and finally about 9pm, I got his brother. He sounded upset and usually before I asked for Justin, I'd talk to his brother. Well, he asked me if I was sitting down, I said yes. Then he proceeded to ask me questions. He asked when was the last time I talked to Justin, I told him last night onto this morning, we hung up at 6am. His brother started to cry and told me the worst news ever. Justin killed himself at 6:15am after we hung up. 15mins after we hung up, he shot himself in head. I told his brother to stop playing and to hand Justin the phone, but when he started to cry more.. I knew he wasn't joking anymore. I started to cry and his brother started to tell me all the details of what happened and what not. I felt numb. I couldn't believe it. I was going see him, he can't be dead. We hung up and I went to sleep. The rest of the week, I felt sick, sad, and just like someone shot me in the face. The following week, I got a letter in the mail and it was from Justin. He has this planned the whole time. He told me in the letter the reason he asked me to come visit is because he wanted me to hang up happy, not sad. I was so mad at him for doing this to me, but I am more mad at him leaving me. To this day.. I still think about how it would have been. )= .. If only.


So there.. that is why I hate today.


[sighs..yep]




Anyway, he finally called me. His friend passed away and I feel horrible because I can't be there to help him through this. I wanna be there with him. I wanna hold his hand, wipe his tears, hold him close, and just be his lil friend. I wanna do anything I can for him. I hope he calls me soon.


I love you.

Ah, another entry. I am sleepy. I might go to bed soon. I have to be up early tomorrow because I have to videotape my step-mom for a documentry for my film class. I'll email the teacher later about it.


Rawr, nothing is new. I haven't talked to him since Thursday after he told me he didn't wanna talk anymore because he was mad. I miss him. I miss him terribly. His cellphone has been off and he hasn't been online. I hope he is okay. I am going to freak soon. I hope he calls me soon, like real soon. I miss his voice, his i love yous, his words, .. his everything. I just want him to call me.


My head hurts.


I love you.
I hope you know that.

Ah, here I am. I am sitting here, listening to Acceptance, and thinking about everything that has happened recently in my life. A lot of things have changed and it kinda makes me wonder if this is the part of growing up or acting up? I am not sure. I been annoyed lately, but that is due to ignorant bigots. I hate people.


He said he was going on that date. )= I wish it was me who was going on that date. Then again, we aren't together anymore. Why am I so sad? I think became he made me realize something and it is on repeat in my head.

Me: Why is this break-up so hard?
Him: Because I am actually trying this time.


..Trying THIS TIME? What about the rest of the year we dated? Was that just a waste of your year or what? Everytime I close my eyes, I hear him saying that. I am not upset over it, but I realized... I was trying to, but you shouldn't have to try at a relationshpi. It should come naturally, like it did in the beginning. Then again, he had more time for me a year ago. I know I have to understand that he has a life and what not, but it hurts for when I need him and he isn't there. When things go wrong or even right, I wanna tell him about it. I want him to hear it and help me. I want his advice nd his comforting words to tell me it'll be okay. But 7 times out of 10 he isn't there. He is busy or he can't find his cellphone or SOMETHING goes wrong. Everytime. And he wonders why I get so impatient and upset. If he was in my shoes for a day, he would understand why I get upset. But then again.. if I was in his shoes for a day, maybe I'd understand. But since we both live seperate lives and never hardly ever are together, we will never know. After nearly two years, you think our relationship would have progressed, but it hasn't. We are still where we were for when we first met. [Smiles] I remember that day. Gosh do I remember that day.


I miss him.


I love you.