I will be there, when you need to be rescued.
I'll rescue, I will rescue you..


Cause this is for dreaming.
This is for leaving.
This is you picking up the pieces when I'm gone.
This is to living.
This is to packing up my shit and moving on.
I'm moving on.
----------------------------









I think its safe to say, its over. It is 100% over. I gave it a chance, he wouldn't take it. I am done. I can't take this anymore. I have to move on. He doesn't respond, he doesn't give me the time of day, or anything. I can't keep holding on to air. Wait, I never had him in the first place. Can't have something you can't touch. /= ..


Soon I'll delete this account and what not. I enjoy reading a lot of peoples journals though. It has been fun. I met a lot of nifty people from here, -sighs-


I hate crying. I am really upset. Things were good and then.. boom, everything went downhill. Maybe sometimes, you should listen to those that are right, even though you hate to admit it b/c of too many fucked up reasons. I do love him, don't get me wrong. I honestly 100% do love him still, but I can't love someone that puts me through the mud everyday of my life. I realized my depression is because of him. Not all of it, but most of it. I get my hopes up and then he brings them down all the time. And the weird thing is, I am always there for him. ALWAYS. He could call me right now and I'd stop this and talk to him. Give him my full attention and never think twice about it. But maybe I should think twice about it? Maybe I should stop being there. Maybe he can finally realize what he puts me through. I know he is going to tell me he doesn't care and give me a speech about how he probably never loved me, but in a way.. I don't believe that. I won't believe that b/c he always tried so hard to get me back and he always got me back. Maybe this time I won't allow that.


I put a guard up everytime, but it always gets burnt down. Something about him moves me, makes me happy, and makes me wanna be a better person. Then again, he always makes me cry. I can honestly say the only time I was ever happy is when I am talkin to him and we are having a great conversation. Other than that, I was miserable.


I don't need him, but I want him. I miss him so much that I always cry myself to sleep. I know that isn't healthy, but when you fall in love with someone and you fall so hard, you can't help it. I don't think he ever understood that. His first wife wasn't like me I am guessing b/c he always told me I shouldn't be like this, but he doesn't understand when you are in love.. you are like this. You miss a person, you crave them, you want them, you need them, and you wanna hold them so badly that it hurts. Never wanna let go, never want them to let you go.


But through it all, it will end. I been waiting for this, but then again.. I didn't think it would end like this. Maybe I am a big dreamer. I have high dreams for those around me. I shouldn't, but I do.


..This hurts so much. /= I am crying and listening to depressing music. Go me eh?










-------------
Would you believe me if I said I didn't need you?
'Cause I wouldn't believe you if you said the same to me.
Near death, last breath, and barely hanging on.
Would you believe me if I said I didn't need you?


Someone somewhere said some things that may have spark some sympathy, but don't believe.. Don't believe a word you heard about me.
------------------





I will love you till the end of time.
But I can't promise I'll always be here.
-------








It's hard to say that I was wrong.
It's hard to say I miss you.
Since you've been gone, its not the same.
It's hard to say I held my tounge.
It's hard to say if.. only.
Since you've been gone, it's not the same.
---------------------------






Wake up call, coffee and juce.
Remembering you..
What happened to you?

I wonder if we'll meet again.
Talk about our lives since then.
Talk about why did it end.


You made me feel like the one.
-I don't know where we are going now.
----So take a look at me now!

Today was boring. I just went with my mom to town and we did a lot of errands. Nothing new, nothing old.


..Still pondering about us..


Bleh.

I think everyone should go out with me and buy me one drink b/c I worked my ass off this semester and here are my grades..



English: C
Ethics: B
Sociology: B
Business/Keyboarding: A
Film Production: B


And my GPA is (overall) 2.85. So yeah, please.. leave your name and number and tell me what night you would like to take me out for my free drink or whatever. :D!!!!


..I been dancing about it all day. My mom bought me a snowball and my brother said he'll take me out for drinks sometime soon.



-Dances- I am so freaking happy.


AHh, okay. I was online last night and being bored, as usual. And Jessica messages me and askes me if I wanna go bowling with her, Josh, Amanda, (another) Josh, Phil, Will, Julie, and maybe.. Michael. I said sure and started to get ready. As I was getting ready I called Leah to see if her and Johnathon wanted to join me. THen they called Dustin and then Dustin called Joel and Missy. So it ended up being like 12 or 13 of us. We got our lanes right by each other. But before we got to the alley we bought some jager and went took some shots at Dustin's place. It was great. I was still feeling.. icky? But I had to make the best of it b/c I wanted to hang out with everyone. So we get there and its like black people everywhere. I am not racist, but.. wow. I felt like anyone could have spotted us.


So, the fun begins. I was feeling like shit, but I kept on dancing, singing, and having fun. I missed this. I missed hanging out with everyone and having a blast. It was worth everything. Dustin went to the DJ at the bowling place and told him that he can do the backwards bowling thing. (He was very very very drunk) So he goes and the DJ follows him to our alley (#18 baby) and he had to knock 7pins down to get two free passes back there. So Dustin turns around and chugs it down the alley between his legs and he gets a perfect strike. So everyone on our game got two free passes to Don Carters to go bowling for free. I think we will be using those again. Well, Dustin and I will b/c we had a blast. We danced, sang, and just.. I enjoyed myself greatly. Soon after, Jessica and her Josh left and then Leah and Johnathon left. Missy and Joel played DDR and then I played with Amanda and them on their aisle. Of course, I seen Blake (the guy at BRCC that I wanted so badly) and he was there with his g/f. Of course, I didn't go talk to him. Ohh well. I don't think he even seen me. But he is still hot. I was home for 1am or so. I hope to do everything again.


I talked to Amanda and Jessica about talking to Amy about me maybe goin back to Sonic. I don't wanna be at the Gonzales one though, I wanna go with Amy to her store. I like Amy, even though when she yells.. she sounds like she is barking. /= But I love her none-the-less. I need a job and I did enjoy my job, a lot. So I would like to go back. So yeah..



Today me and my mom cleaned up my room and tomorrow we are goin to go get my bed from my dads and soem of my stuff. Also we have to go to BRCC and to the mall. So tomorrow is goin to be run-around day. Joy! But oh well. We just left my brothers house, we went visit and talk to Aimee about some stuff. My brothers prayers have been answered. Someone finally bought his house in Texas so now he can start building his new house right by my mom. :D I am so happy.


..Hm, nothing new. I just been in a good mood lately and I don't know why. I feel great. I hope things stay like this.



Oh yeah, I wanna go hang out with some of Jamie, David, and Danielle and soon!!! I hope Jamie hangs out with us though or something instead of telling me he is too busy with Star Wars or don't wanna. /= I couldn't hang with him for a effin' year so he owes me!! But yeah, I need to make my way out there. x:




:D Bye, for now.

And I would do anything for love,
I'd run right into hell and back,
I would do anything for love,
I'll never lie to you and thats a fact.


But I'll never forget the way you feel right now
- Oh no - no way - I would do anything for love,
But I wont do that, I wont do that, anything for love,
I would do anything for love, I would do anything for love,
But I wont do that, I wont do that.


Some days it dont come easy,
Some days it dont come hard
Some days it dont come at all,
And these are the days that never end.


Some nights you breath fire,
Some nights your carved in ice,
Some nights your like nothing I've ever seen before, Or will again.


Maybe Im crazy, But it's crazy and it's true,
I know you can save me, No one else can save me now but you.


As long as the planets are turning,
As long as the stars are burning,
As long as your dreams are coming true - You better believe it! -


That I would do anything for love,
And I'll be there until the final act -
I would do anything for love!
And I'll take a Vow and Seal a pact -


But I'll never forgive myself if we dont go all the way - Tonight -
I would do anything for love!
I would do anything for love,
I would do anything for love,
But I wont do that, I wont do that...


I would do anything for love,
Anything you've been dreaming of,
But I just wont do that...


Some days I pray for Silence,
Some days I pray for Soul,
Some days I just pray to the God of Sex and Drums and Rock 'N' Roll.


Some nights I lose the feeling,
Some nights I lose control,
Some nights I just lose it all when I watch you dance and the thunder rolls.


Maybe I'm lonely, And thats all I'm qualified to be,
There's just one and only, The one and only promise I can keep.


As long as the wheels are turning,
As long as the fires are burning,
As long as your prayers are coming true - You better believe it - !


That I would do anything for love!
And you know it's true and thats a fact,
I would do anything for love!
And there'll never be no turning back -


But I'll never do it better than I do it with you,
So long - So long - I would do anything for love,
I would do anything for love,
I would do anything for love,
I would do anything for love,
But I wont do that, I wont do that!


I would do anything for love,
Anything you've been dreaming of,
But I just wont do that...


But I'll never stop dreaming of you
Everynight of my life - No Way -


I would do anything for love,
I would do anything for love,
I would do anything for love,
But I wont do that, I wont do that!


Girl : Will you raise me up?
    Will you help me down?
    Will you help get me right out of this Godforsaken town?
    Will you make it a little less cold?


Boy  : I can do that!
    I can do that!


Girl : Will you hold me sacred?
    will you hold me tight?
    Can you colorize my life I'm so sick of black and white?
    Can you make it a little less old?


Boy  : I can do that!
    I can do that!


Girl : Will you make me some magic, with your own two hands?
    Can you build an Emerald city with these grains of sand?
    Can you give me something that I can take home?


Boy  : I can do that!
    I can do that!


Girl : Will you cater to every fantasy that I've got?
    Will ya hose me down with holy water - if I get too hot - ?
    Will you take me to places that I've never known?


Boy  : I can do that!
    I can do that!


Girl : After a while you'll forget everything,
    It was a brief interlude, And a midsummer night's fling,
    And you'll see that it's time to move on.


Boy  : I wont do that!
    I wont do that!


Girl : I know the territory - I've been around,
    It'll all turn to dust and we'll all fall down,
    And sooner or later you'll be screwing around.


Boy  : I wont do that!
    I wont do that!


Anything for love, I would do anything for love,
I would do anything for love,
But I wont do that, I wont do that.

My stomach is bothering me today. I hate being sick. I hate it more than anything. Bleh. I have to go later and pick up some dinners that my mom ordered for some school fund-raiser. I don't wanna do it cause that will require me to change out of my PJs and to try and fix myself up some. Bleh. I been so lazy lately. Oh well, job hunting will start soon. I am ready for that. (= I been applying for places online that allows you to do so. Eh, I hope something comes back for me. I really need something and soon. I gotta start saving up for cruise trip we are taking next summer with Cole's graduation class. That will make my 4th cruise trip. This one is goin to Jamaica, Cozumel, and Cancun. I been to Jamaica and Cozumel, but not Cancun so I am happy about that. Also, I think we get one more day at an island or something? I don't know.


Also, when I get a job, I plan on start working out as well. I am gunna start going to that gym by my school so when I am done with school, I can swing by there and work-out for an hour or two and then go home. Yes, I am ready. I just hope I get a job that I like and pays better than 5.15 an hour. I don't want some crappy shit.


I am saving up for a big road trip we were suppose to go on in August. I think we were gunna hit NY, NJ, PA, TENN, and FL. But I don't know if we are now. I haven't talked to Leah in forever. I call her, but she doesn't answer so whatever.. And I have almost every class with her next semester. This is going to be a hoot. /=


I woke up again at 5:55am this morning. I couldn't go back to sleep so I listened to Kidd Kraddick all morning again. I love them. They are so funny. I really enjoy them.


My brother grilled hot-dogs last night. They were mmmm good. My brother was always a good cook. I think I might hang out with him and Aimee for a while tonight. Not sure. Depends on if I go anywhere or do anything. I know Ryan suppose to come visit, but he hasn't called me so it looks like another boring weekend.


..Bleh. I been thinking. I know I love him, but sometimes I wonder if everything is a joke. I feel so weird sometimes for when I talk to him. I feel like I am whole different part of his life that he keeps hidden so no one knows. I really do feel that way. And its stupid b/c I don't think he is lieing to me, but sometimes.. he just has the PERFECT excuse to everything. Right now, I understand why I haven't heard from him. His cellphone is cut off due the bill being way too high, but if it was something else as to why I didn't hear from him, he would have the perfect excuse. Sometimes he seems too perfect. Like he has no mistakes, no flaws, and what not. He is really different from any guy I like and so different from anything I ever wanted in a guy. I find myself thinking about him all the time. I even wrote my name out with his last name. Jalyn M... and it makes me wonder, wow. I could be her. Ms. M... (sorry not spelling it out) And I smile b/c I wanna be that. I wanna be his to have and to hold. Then I sit and wonder, well.. we are broken-up AGAIN. We are always breaking up and getting back together. Circle, that is all it is. I wanna stop the circle and make a line. I wanna hold him, kiss him, make love with him, make him smile, laugh, and just make him wanna be with me. I wanna be there next to him. I wanna wake up and see his face. I wanna lay down and have him hold me. I wanna get in lil fights over the stupidest things and then have great make-up sex. I wanna hold his hand. I wanna run my hands through his hair and wrap my arms around his waist. I want him to come up behind me for when I am not looking and wrap his arms around me. Hold me close at the same time, kiss my neck, and just whisper something great into my ear. I wanna sit in the passenger seat of his car and fight over the radio. I wanna play with his 39487397 million cats and try to remember all their names. I wanna have a pillow fight. I want him to call me and ask me what did I charge to the credit-card and end up being something I bought for him. I want kids with him. I want our kids to come home and dis obey us and have him handle them. I want us to fight and then say sorry and know everything will be okay. ..Most of all, I want him here with me or have me there with him.


..All I want is love from him and to know he loves me. Feels that he loves me. ..


Goodbye, for now.

I finally got a msg today from him on here. It kinda made me smile b/c at least I know he is alive. I just wish he would answer his house phone for when I call, but ohhh well. What can you do?


I am still sick as a dog and it sucks.


..I miss you and I do love you. /=

I am sick. /= Bleh, I hate being sick. My head is clogged, my nose is clogged, my throat hurts, ..etc.

You get the picture.



I hate you. /=

I am done. I can't take this. You tell me to call you, I do, and no answer or its busy non-stop. I give up. I can't sit and wait on you anymore.


I am finished with us.

This is all about you, I love you and miss you.






I've been dreaming of waking up happy under the sun,
In the smog and the traffic and dreams of California,
This lonely life takes to I-80 to try and forget,
The people and friends that forgot about me when I left,

I'm still finding home,
I'm finding my heart, my head,
The reason's why I left,

Cause this is for dreaming,
This is for leaving,
This is you picking up the pieces when I'm gone,
This is to drinking,
This is to living,
This is to packing up my shit and moving on,
I'm moving on,

I've been dreaming of lying down naked next to you,
Under stars on a blanket under the Los Angeles moon,
As we sit with our thoughts and watch the planes fly by,
It's nights like this that I look at you, I was born to be alive,

My western home,
My eastern heart,
The middle is my home,

Cause this is for dreaming,
This is for leaving,
This is you picking up the pieces when I'm gone,
This is to drinking,
This is to living,
This is to packing up my shit and moving on,
I'm moving on,

I don't mind,
Setting these traps for you to fall into, cause I,
I will be there, when you need to be rescued,
I'll rescue, I will rescue you,

Cause this is for dreaming,
This is for leaving,
This is you picking up the pieces when I'm gone,
This is to drinking,
This is to living,
This is to packing up my shit and moving on,
I'm moving on,

I miss him. /=

I'm so far away.
I been changing, but
you'll never see me.
I'm so far away.
Now I'm blaming
you for everything.
---


.<

/=

I got a headache.

Going see Star Wars on Friday with Ryan and Zelion.
Saturday, I am spending the day/night with Luke.
Sunday, I am goin see Star Wars again with the kid I use to babysit, Dillon.


Then job hunting starts.
Wish me luck.


Where are you?

I bind myself in false images of people. I learned something new about myself today. I suspect too much out of people. I want something no one can give me. I find myself searching for answers from people I never met in person. I also found myself searching to be friends to people I never met before, some I succeed.. others I do not. I bend and shape myself around those I wish to like me or at least find me amusing. Then again, the whole time.. I am truly myself. Does this make sense? No, actually it does not. But to me it does.


I hold other peoples expectations over my head, not what they want from me, but what they want for themselves. I'll help anyone in a instant with anything. I'll do anything (not just anything) with anyone in an instant. I find myself to be a great friend and person. I put others before me and never question why they are ahead of me, but then I get mad for when something great happens to those that I put ahead of me. Why? Because I never get a thanks or notice for what good deeds I do. I am always pushed back up against the wall and then I am easliy forgotten, but yet.. the imprint of my body is always there.


I get treated like shit from those I care most about and I get picked on for every lil thing I do, but yet.. when they want or need something, I am the first they call. I help because I love my friends, but then again.. I hate them for what they do to me. Do they notice it? No, never. They are too perfect. They build their perfection up to a higher level and make it seem like I am so small even though I am the one that helped them build their tower of misery. I always thought one day I'd show everyone how good of a person I am, but I keep failing at the things that help me get to where I want to be. I am not conceited, but I am starting to notice things. I guess you can say my eyes are getting opened. I finally got a slap of reality.



Here is my lil rant. Okay, I find myself to be a nice, sweet, decent, patient, funny, and sometimes.. downright too generous person. And I notice no matter what I do, I can't please everyone and yes, I know it is stupid for me to even try something like thta. But this is how I am. Take it or leave it. I find myself thinking about why I can't make people happy and then I realize its b/c they don't wanna be. I give up. I don't wanna be that person that is miserable unless everyone is happy. I am tired of trying to put smiles on people face. It is exhausting. Also, I worry too much about everyone else that I don't even stop to think about myself. I don't like that about myself either. I was going through my AIM list about 4mins ago and I realized half of the people on there NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER message me, but yet I message them just to say HI and HOW ARE YOU and they never ask it back. Example?


Me: Hey.
Them: Hey.
Me: How are you?
Them: Good.


And thats it. That is our conversation. WOW! That is a good conversation, can't you tell? Makes me all happy in the pants, NOT. I get so annoyed with shit like that. Why should I try if they don't? I can talk to a wall, but I am tired of talkin to walls. Its like pulling teeth to get some people to talk. Why? I have no clue. Am I that annoying, weird, stupid, or just.. ______ (fill in the blank)? I don't get myself at all or people anymore. I hate humanity.


I found myself thinking about animals and I got so upset and started to cry because I started to think about people that are cruel to animals. I am on this message board and this girl was talking about how she seen someone bury a cat from head down and ran the cat over with a lawnmower, WTF? Are you stupid? Why would you do that? How is that funny or even .. slightly fun?! I don't get it. Or the people that like dog fighting or rooster fighting? WTF? Why would you do that? Why is it funny to watch animals fight till the death of one of them? [sniffs] I am crying just thinking about it. People like that should get drugged up and fight till they die? How about that? Hell, people might find that funny as well. Our world is fucked up and so are the people in it. It makes me so mad to sit here and call myself human. Yes, I do stupid things, but not as ignorant as some peoples. They just don't think, at all.


Then I started to think about those that get abused by men (or in some cases, women). Why would you do that? Why would you beat up someone else? Is it a mental problem or is it something you just enjoy? Personally, I think no one should be hit unless it is out of defense, but just random beating up someone for the hell of it? FUCK NO. Beat up yourself for fuck sakes. Mental, phyiscal, or emotional abuse is horrible. I been there with the mental/emotinal abuse and it isn't fun. It hurts and it is carried with you till you die. I hate the feeling of someone making me feel small. Someone just recently did it and it made me so mad. I don't care if it wasn't from their point of view, but it was from mine. Don't belittle me. I am not your toy. I am not here for your pleasure.



Now my head is running around about those women that killed their kids and blamed it on either black people or PMS. Fuck you. Why would you kill your kids? If you can't handle it then please give 'em up for an adoption or leave 'em on a doorstep, at least they'll have their life. Why would you take away innocent lives? Lets drown you, burn you with hot hot water, or beat your head with some heavy rocks. How would you like that? I don't think you would like that too much. I see eye for an eye on a lot of things and it just bothers me how our government handles situations. If you don't have money then you are fucked. Fucked in the ass.



All I have to say now is...




America, bend over, pull your buttcheeks apart, and stand still. Because you are about to get royally fucked for the rest of your life.












I still haven't heard from him. I gave up, but I am not giving up.

I love you and miss you.



if only i had the guts to feel this way.
if only, i look at you and you
would want to stay.

I give up. I can't do this anymore. Him not answering his phone is killing me. I can't sit around and wait and hope on him anymore.


I love you, but I just can't take this.

Love and electricity are one in the same, my dear. If you do not feel the jolt in your soul every time a kiss is shared, a whisper is spoken, a touch is felt, then your not really in love at all.















I love you and miss you. /:

I miss him so badly right now. It is killing me. It is slowly killing me. I want him so badly right now. He has his phone on, but like always.. he isn't answering. What else is new?


..Nothing, nothing at all.



I will always love you.

I am better today, but not much better. My mood is still horrible. I just wanna crack some skulls. Well, one skull really. Okay, I really don't wanna crack it. I just wanna make sure he understands where I am coming from. He drills it into my head that I have to understand where he is coming from and what not, but what about me? How about you understand my position?


I love you and miss you.

My phone accidently hung up and you got on the other line and then you turn your phone off. That just pissed me off to no end.


I am tired of these games.
I am tired of not having you around for when I need you the most.
I am tired of trying to reach you at "decent times".
I am tired of holding my pillow and pretending its you.
I am tired of crying myself to sleep at night.
I am tired of missing you.
I am tired of wondering where you are and if you are okay.
I am tired of praying to GOD about you because I know he is tired of hearing the same prayer over and over again.
I am tired of wishing on stars for you.
I am tired of hoping my phone will ring and it'll be you.
I am tired of trying to reach you for when I need you the most.
I am tired of you having your phone on and never answering.



I am sorry about earlier, I am. My phone accidently hung up and I called back and you were on the other line and then you turn your phone off. Not cool.


We are going around in circles. You say you wanna try again, but yet.. you are NEVER HERE. How can I understand what is going on for if I never hear from you?

..Maybe its best if we go seperate ways.


Right now, I am tired of crying and telling myself .. everything will be okay.

















Phone me once in a while
Let me know you're alright
Tell you again that I'm fine
Then we go about our separate lives

Today.. sucks.

Okay, today was stupid. I woke up way too early so that pissed me off. And you were right, Gene did not call me at all. I knew he wouldn't. [sighs..yep] And of course his phone off for the night. Freakin' figures. He tells me to understand, but he can't understand where I am coming up. I get my hopes up thinking I am going to hear from him and I don't. Sometimes I think he likes to get my hopes up just so he can bring them down again. He hurts me for when he does that shit. I cry and get so upset. I hate when people say they will call me and don't. That makes me mad because I usually wait for the phonecall, but I never get it. I love him and will do anything for him, but sometimes.. I wish he could see how I see it. I understand he is busy, has a life, and does things almost 24/7, but he has to understand that you can't keep breaking your word. I know we aren't dating right now, but if we were.. he has to understand he has to keep the relationship up as well. It isn't a once a week thing. A relationship is 24hours a day and what not. Sometimes I need him really really badly and he keeps his phone off, but then .. out of the blue, its on and HE NEVER ANSWERS. What if I am near death and I wanna tell him I love him? I can't because he won't turn the phone on or answer for when I call. That upsets me so much. .. I don't think he even knows that I cry myself to sleep often and its usually about him.


Ok, back to what I was saying.. I woke up way too early because of my dogs bladder. He can't seem to hold it at all. Got ready, headed to school. Got stuck in traffic and then when I got there, the teacher was way way late, and just annoyed me to no end. Then I go in the library and start writing some of my English paper and I see him, Blake. Blake is hot hot. I talked to a girl that knows him and she said I wouldn't wanna mess with him cause he is bad news, but he is so effin' hot. Oh gosh, I'd take him home and .. rawr. Anway.. I went to Sociology, but class was cancelled. Then I go to library again and sit by Blake, then Britney comes, and we all talk. Then I skip English so I can get somewheres with that effin' paper. (Anybody wanna help me?) Didn't succeed because I ended up leaving with Johnathon and Leah. We go to Sicilys on Blubonnet and eat pizza and what not. Then to Best Buy and I bought 2 FallOutBoy CDs and the new Starting Line CD. Then we head to my dads house and watch two movies. Then I came home.


Nothing too exciting. Tomorrow I devote myself to writing my English paper and doing the extra credit for Philsophy. I wanna do good on both so I will get it done by tomorrow night. Well, I don't have to have the English paper done till Tuesday so yeah. I have two finals on Thursday. Philsophy and Sociology. Tomorrow I will study for both of those as well. So if I am online, tell me to go study or do my papers because if you don't, then I will never do it. I am so bad with shit like that.


I just been blah lately. I hope after this semester, I'll be better. I need to be better. I wanna be better. I hope to be better. This semester has been really kicking my ass. I fell behind and been trying to catch up since. Not a good thing to fall back and that is what I did.


I have so many effin' birthdays this month as well. If you have one, just add it on in a comment. I have to buy Ronnie, Dustin, and Danielle something. Jesus.. I am poor too. Time to start saling plasma or some shit of that nature. Not sure yet. I don't know what I am goin to get them. I know Ronnie a shirt, Dustin .. not sure, and Danielle, no clue. FUCK. I hate this. )= Poor me.


Friday is my old schools graduation. Anyone wanna go to a party, let me know. You can come! I am trying to get some people to go with me b/c I think it'll be fun. It's B.Y.O.B though so .. yeah, supply for yoself foo'. I know I am going to get Dustin to buy me Jim Beam and I am going to get a ice chest and put some cherry coke in it. Oh yes, I am getting fucked up. I am so ready. I am going to get a big cup so I don't have to keep going back to the car to make more. I don't have a big cup though. Oh well. I know I am going to see all my friends that I graduated with back in 2003. It will feel weird, but I'll put on a bright smile and tell everyone HEY. My brother and his wife are going, I just remembered. Maybe I'll ride with them so I can drink more unless some people wanna go with me. SOMEONE COME WITH ME PLZ. Kthnx.

How I feel.. /:






"Bedroom Talk" - The Starting Line

I got the talk when I was younger
And understood as I recall,
they hadn't mentioned this at all.
My heart was racing like a sprinter
That tripped and fell
In love with a girl just for tonight and that's all

I've got big, big plans
And they've got to mean something more
than just once
I just don't know what I want

I'm gonna tear your ass up like we just got married
And you're all mine now
Tonight is the night we've been waiting for all our lives
Or maybe for just tonight

I got the call when I was older
Yeah and I understood
If it happens then it happens and that's all
My arms the hose and you're the fire
Out of control and I've got put you out
Before there's nothing left at all

I've got big, big plans
And they've got to mean something more than just once
I just don't know, I don't know
I don't know, I don't know
I don't know, I don't know
I just don't know what I want

I'm gonna tear your ass up like we just got married
And you're all mine now
Tonight is the night we've been waiting for all our lives
Or maybe for just mine
So get your ass up cause you're in no hurry
like I am now
I'm getting older and older all of the time
or maybe for just tonight

And the next part is the hardest
To admit and explain but I've got to get it right
She said
"I'll chew you up and spit you out like all them.
I'm gonna put you right back in my mouth
You're gonna stay like that for now"
I will always love you

I said I tore your ass up like we just got married
And you're all mine now
Tonight is the night we've been waiting for all our lives
Or maybe its just:
You've gotta get your ass up cause
you're in no hurry
Like I am now
Im getting older and older all of the time

Let's go one more time

I'm gonna tear your ass up like we just got married
And you're all mine now
Tonight is the night we've been waiting for all our lives
Or maybe it's just mine
Over tonight
Yeah yeah yeah