I like Tommy so much. I honestly have no clue how to act around him. I am nervous and I am so scared of fucking up. I am myself though and I haven't done anything different that I normanlly wouldn't do. But I think he really wants to date. At first, I figured you know.. he likes me, but soon he'll just say fuck it. But he asked me if I wanted to go out on a double-date with his best friend and his girlfriend in July b/c its his best friends g/f birthday. She is turning 18 So they wanna go eat out and hit some local bar.. IN FUCKING JULY. He is making future plans with me. Is that a good thing? Is that a sign of hope? Does that mean he wants me around or what? I never had a real real boyfriend so help me here! Also, his mom said I could sleep at their house, but we can't sleep in the same room. Which, I totally understand and respect. I wouldn't do anything to disrespect his mother. He said so far, his mom likes me. Everytime we are on the phone together and makes him tell me hello and bye and what-not. And he told me when we are talking online, she is behind him on the sofa reading the conversation. That makes me laugh. We were playing tic-tac-toe earlier and he said she was helping him win. Haha, I find that to be so hardcore. I do wanna make a great impression on her and his family. I don't wanna fuck this up. I don't wanna rush either. We both agree on that. We both like how things are flowing so we wanna take it slow and see what happens, which I am totally for. I will not say no to that. I rushed before with others and that blew up in my face so this time around, I am taking my time. I wanna do things right. I want something great to happen. -smiles big- I never been so happy. I find myself wanting to do something and make him proud of him. I want him to smile and gloat about me. I want his friends to like me. I want his family to adore me. He told me that when I meet his Grandfather, he'll ask me one question and he told me to say whatever I want. So curiously, I asked what question. He told me that his Grandfather will ask, "when is the wedding?" and he told me to answer anyway I want. That kinda freaks me out because I don't know what to say so I told him I'll just respond with, "tomorrow, I hope you are coming" and smile. He said if I say that, everyone would probably love me. -smiles bigger- I hope so. We both described our families pretty well. He is probably coming with me to a family get together in a week or two, I forgot the date for it to be honest. He wants to meet everyone and he is just like me. Wants to do good and make a great impression. I am sure he will. If he doesn't change from now to then. I really couldn't ask for more. I am so happy. Thank you God. -hearts-


..I never thought I would be this happy.

Ah, I wrote this huge entry earlier and then the electricity went out and I went to my brothers and its 11pm pratically and the electricity just came back on. Bleh. Its been off since 3pm. I am not really in the mood to update everything so I'll give a brief update.


-Slept at dads last night.
-My step-brother was there and we hung out.
-Dad and I discussed a lot of shit.
-9pm - Tommy called me and we talked till 2am.
-Woke up, cleaned my room, and hung out with step-brother again.
-Watched TV.
-Left and came home to my moms.
-Got online.
-Had offline messages from Tommy on yahoo and they made my effin' day.
-Played online, electricity went out.
-Went to brothers house till 10pm.
-Came home.
-Sat in the dark till now.


Well, through all of that.. me and Tommy talked today from 5pm-10:30pm. Yeah, long time. I know. But he is so amazing. I love talking to him. He wants to get to know me better and maybe see what happens. I told him okay. He is working this weekend so the following weekend we will be together for the whole weekend. I am sooo happy. :D Oh yeah, Tommy is 23, 6'2, sweet, funny, caring, and just treats me really really well. He has a 3month old daughter named Alexia Faith, she is precious. I know some of you are thinking, "wow, you jump around", but I have a lot of guy friends and plus, I am just meeting. Not doing anything wrong. But, I do like Tommy. (= He is so sweet. I hope nothing changes b/c so far, I am enjoying him so much. I hope he stays the way he is. [sighs..yep] ..I am truly happy.

I went to Olive Garden with my mom and sister tonight. I had something good. I really enjoyed myself. My sister was actually nice. She wasn't her lil rude-ass self. Hip hip hooray. Eh, tomorrow I might go see Brandon, Danielle, David, and whomever else at the moment. Not sure. Depends on how I feel. My nose is killing me right now. But I'll probably end up going.


Nothing is new really. Same crap everyday. Things are kinda looking up since everything that has happened lately. I really can't complain, but then again.. I could continue forever.


I am kinda upset b/c for Fathers Day my dad is spending half of the day with his girlfriend and her family. He is my daddy, not theirs or anyone elses. Why won't he be home with me? My sister won't be there till 3 and my brother, but thats b/c they are married and have to go to their significant others parents houses first, but since I don't have one.. I wanna spend the WHOLE WHOLE day with my dad. I know if I complain about this, my dad will tell me to go with him to Becky's sisters house. No, fuck that. That isn't what I wanna do. I wanna spend the day with my dad at his house. At our house. Why should I have to go to someone elses house to see my daddy? I mentioned this to my brother and my sister and they are upset as well. My dad is always complaining that we don't call him enough, but I don't see his name popping up on my phone for when it rings. It seems he is spending more and more time with Becky and her kids. Its like we don't even exist anymore. Last few times I talked to him, he has to go b/c he was busy and what-not. So wtf? Am I not important? I thought I was. I mean I am his blood and daughter and all. I thought maybe.. you know I'd be closer to him than his g/f and her kids. My step-moms daughter calls my Dad, "Daddy" and that bothers me causes he has a dad that is in her life. So go call him Daddy. Don't take my dad. I shouldn't have to feel like I am competeing with people for my dad's love. Fuck this. It bothers me b/c its my dad and I feel like he doesn't even want us around anymore b/c he has Becky and her kids. They see him way more than I do. And I know its my fault that I don't go see him enough, but when I do go there.. he leaves and goes to Becky's house to be with her till 2am. By the time he comes home, I am sleeping and he is going to bed. So wtf am I suppose to do? I don't wanna start a fight, but I am sure that is what will happen. My brother told me to say fuck it, but its hard. That is my daddy and I love him dearly. My brother said he'll probably say something b/c it makes him mad how my daddy doesn't call unless its important or want something. And half of the time, he calls.. says what he has to say and ends the conversation. My brothers wife refuses to talk to my daddy b/c last time she did my dad cut her off 'cause he was busy with his g/f and her family. Thats bullshit. THAT ISNT HIS FAMILY!!! We are.


..Fuck.



Today just makes me wanna end my life. Lately I been thinking about suicide. I know I'll never try it again, but yet.. I find myself pondering more and more about it. I think about how my suffering won't continue, but I know if mine ends, my families will start. I do think about everyone and everything. I just find it'll be the easy way out or something. Even though its a selfish thing to do. I don't wanna do it and I don't wanna die till I am 90 and in a rockingchair while I sleep. But yet I find myself thinking about what it would be like to end it and never have to worry about it again. I put others before me, I help anyone and everyone, but yet I still get the shitty part of the deal. Its sad for when someone you hardly know says, "wow, your life just sucks" and the only thing I told him about was how my friends backed out of tomorrow and about my past. My past isn't that bad, but then again, everything is beating down on me. I gotta lose weight, get a job, go to school, pass all of my classes, smile, hang out with friends, sleep, and repeat this process every year or so. I ponder what it would be like to be anywheres, but here. I have it good, don't get me wrong. I am thankful for my clothes, family, friends, food, shoes, life, and anything that some people in this world would die for, but.. its hard. I know I have it better than some, but yet.. having it better isn't always great. I see how some people live their lives and I find myself furious b/c I could do great for anyone and everyone, and still never get the great part of the deal. I still find myself crying in my room at night and wondering why I didn't get asked to go along or do something better than someone else for a change. Why is it that I have to be the one that cries and ponders why am I still here? (I don't wanna die) I look at how things are in my life and I hate them. I know you are saying "change it then", well its hard. How can you change something that has been going on since you were little? How can you change what you know and how you do it? Its hard to change. I been trying since I was 17 years old and I am still where I was then. I ask for help, but I seem to be asking the wrong people. I cry out and I am screaming, but no one stops to ask me whats wrong? No one thinks about what could be affecting me at the moment, at that time, or that place. Its like everyone sees over me and doesn't even notice I am pulling on their jacket for help. No one ever hears my cries for help or my cries of pain. I usually hear well that sucks and have a great day! Yeah, isn't that wonderful? Fucking great. That is why I think about suicide a lot. Maybe no one wants to deal with me. They all wanna just say FUCK OFF and not to worry about me anymore. Does anyone wanna get rid of me? I am sure a lot of people do. ..


Also, I been pondering my past. I am not the one to regret, but I am starting to regret a lot of things. Like what? Well, the sex, the drugs, the drinking, and knowing what I do know. I find myself saying gross for when I think back on it. Who was I then? Who am I now? Who do I wanna become? ----I slept with four people in my whole entire life and none of them was for love. They were all just sex, just nasty casual sex. Something I really do not like. I find it to be gross, but yet I did something I disliked. Why? Because I was hoping to find love by giving myself up. To be honest, the last guy I slept with made me feel beautiful, but I was another piece of ass to him obviously. Well, another piece of ass or something. I don't know. He was the only guy that made me feel like a girl, a beatiful girl, but.. as soon as it ended, it is not the same. This person is hardly someone I talk to now. We went from talking a lot to.. well, I don't message him and he doesn't message me. We went seperate ways. I don't regret it, but I wished something else would have happend. And the guys before him.. what the fuck was that? All fucks up. All mistakes. One was just a drunk and stupid act. The second one was someone I really did like, but he was married. Yeah, kinda forget that bit of information. And the other one was someone I did like, but he kinda.. well, I loved Gene so he vanished. I find myself wanting to shower for when I think about it all. I feel gross and gruddy. I wanna wash away where they touched me and what-not.. Then again, it was some of the best times, ever.


I ponder my most inner feelings and its cold, black, dark, scary, and makes me sad. I am scared of myself. I am scared of failling, falling, and not being what everyone wants me to be. I am a hypocrite b/c I preach to people about this, but yet.. I am guilty of it. I cut myself. What do I get out of it? Nothing. I really don't. It makes me feel worse b/c I know if my mom sees what I have done, she is going to bitch and I hate when my mom bitches. I hate it so cutting doesn't help me. I find myself hugging my pillow tight and pretending its someone that cares. I cry into this pillow everyday. I hold it close and just.. pretend. I wish on stars for love. I have dreams to be famous or to be something great. I have high hopes, high dreams, and high wishes. All of my life, I was put down for what I enjoy. What I love and how I love it.


You know.. none of my friends like the same thing as me. I mean, I have friends who like SOME of the same stuff as me, but I haven't found one person who thinks like me and enjoys what I enjoy. I am alone when it comes to a lot of things. I find myself sitting in a corner and looking at everyone else having so much in common. I know opposites attract, but yet.. I don't even have that. My life is open, my life is there, and its always bending for those that I love so much.. But they WILL NEVER bend their life for me. They will never ask me to hang out. They will never be there for me. They never ask me me if I am okay and when I say nothing.. they say okay and go on about their bussiness. Why doesn't anyone push me? Why doesn't anyone talk to me about why I am sad? Why doesn't anyone wanna get to know me? Am I that much of a bad person? Do I deserve this of what I have? Do I deserve no one and do I derseve all this pain and suffering that I try to work my way through? I am on 150mgs of Zoloft and you know, it doesn't work. My depression is horrible. I need to go to my doctor and just cry my eyes out and hope she hears me.


My hopes are so high for everyone, except my own. I find myself pondering what I want most out of life. I want a guy who will love me, a kid to call me mommy, and another kid to call me grandmaw. I want a life of happiness and fulfilling dreams. I want to make others proud, but yet.. I can't make no one proud unless I make myself proud. [sighs..yep] .. Guess I won't be doing that anytime soon.


I am crying right now due to Gene. Gene is the only thing that ever made sense in my life and he pushes me away and runs from things I say. He is a pussy, but yet I can't find myself to get away. Whats wrong with me? Why am I like this? Why do I hurt over a guy that has done nothing, but hurt me? Why? Why do I hold on? Why am I holding on? Why do I miss him, crave him, want him, need him? Why do I wanna be there so badly? I don't even want him, but yet I find myself thinking about him constantly. I say sorry for things that he does wrong. I say sorry for what he does wrong.

...FUCK.


..When is it my turn for happiness?





















..Wow, I did the one thing I promised this journal would never become. /: Bleh, forgive me for writing about stupid shit such as this?

I am gunna delete this account soon.


/:

I will be there, when you need to be rescued.
I'll rescue, I will rescue you..


Cause this is for dreaming.
This is for leaving.
This is you picking up the pieces when I'm gone.
This is to living.
This is to packing up my shit and moving on.
I'm moving on.
----------------------------









I think its safe to say, its over. It is 100% over. I gave it a chance, he wouldn't take it. I am done. I can't take this anymore. I have to move on. He doesn't respond, he doesn't give me the time of day, or anything. I can't keep holding on to air. Wait, I never had him in the first place. Can't have something you can't touch. /= ..


Soon I'll delete this account and what not. I enjoy reading a lot of peoples journals though. It has been fun. I met a lot of nifty people from here, -sighs-


I hate crying. I am really upset. Things were good and then.. boom, everything went downhill. Maybe sometimes, you should listen to those that are right, even though you hate to admit it b/c of too many fucked up reasons. I do love him, don't get me wrong. I honestly 100% do love him still, but I can't love someone that puts me through the mud everyday of my life. I realized my depression is because of him. Not all of it, but most of it. I get my hopes up and then he brings them down all the time. And the weird thing is, I am always there for him. ALWAYS. He could call me right now and I'd stop this and talk to him. Give him my full attention and never think twice about it. But maybe I should think twice about it? Maybe I should stop being there. Maybe he can finally realize what he puts me through. I know he is going to tell me he doesn't care and give me a speech about how he probably never loved me, but in a way.. I don't believe that. I won't believe that b/c he always tried so hard to get me back and he always got me back. Maybe this time I won't allow that.


I put a guard up everytime, but it always gets burnt down. Something about him moves me, makes me happy, and makes me wanna be a better person. Then again, he always makes me cry. I can honestly say the only time I was ever happy is when I am talkin to him and we are having a great conversation. Other than that, I was miserable.


I don't need him, but I want him. I miss him so much that I always cry myself to sleep. I know that isn't healthy, but when you fall in love with someone and you fall so hard, you can't help it. I don't think he ever understood that. His first wife wasn't like me I am guessing b/c he always told me I shouldn't be like this, but he doesn't understand when you are in love.. you are like this. You miss a person, you crave them, you want them, you need them, and you wanna hold them so badly that it hurts. Never wanna let go, never want them to let you go.


But through it all, it will end. I been waiting for this, but then again.. I didn't think it would end like this. Maybe I am a big dreamer. I have high dreams for those around me. I shouldn't, but I do.


..This hurts so much. /= I am crying and listening to depressing music. Go me eh?










-------------
Would you believe me if I said I didn't need you?
'Cause I wouldn't believe you if you said the same to me.
Near death, last breath, and barely hanging on.
Would you believe me if I said I didn't need you?


Someone somewhere said some things that may have spark some sympathy, but don't believe.. Don't believe a word you heard about me.
------------------





I will love you till the end of time.
But I can't promise I'll always be here.
-------








It's hard to say that I was wrong.
It's hard to say I miss you.
Since you've been gone, its not the same.
It's hard to say I held my tounge.
It's hard to say if.. only.
Since you've been gone, it's not the same.
---------------------------






Wake up call, coffee and juce.
Remembering you..
What happened to you?

I wonder if we'll meet again.
Talk about our lives since then.
Talk about why did it end.


You made me feel like the one.
-I don't know where we are going now.
----So take a look at me now!

Today was boring. I just went with my mom to town and we did a lot of errands. Nothing new, nothing old.


..Still pondering about us..


Bleh.

I think everyone should go out with me and buy me one drink b/c I worked my ass off this semester and here are my grades..



English: C
Ethics: B
Sociology: B
Business/Keyboarding: A
Film Production: B


And my GPA is (overall) 2.85. So yeah, please.. leave your name and number and tell me what night you would like to take me out for my free drink or whatever. :D!!!!


..I been dancing about it all day. My mom bought me a snowball and my brother said he'll take me out for drinks sometime soon.



-Dances- I am so freaking happy.


AHh, okay. I was online last night and being bored, as usual. And Jessica messages me and askes me if I wanna go bowling with her, Josh, Amanda, (another) Josh, Phil, Will, Julie, and maybe.. Michael. I said sure and started to get ready. As I was getting ready I called Leah to see if her and Johnathon wanted to join me. THen they called Dustin and then Dustin called Joel and Missy. So it ended up being like 12 or 13 of us. We got our lanes right by each other. But before we got to the alley we bought some jager and went took some shots at Dustin's place. It was great. I was still feeling.. icky? But I had to make the best of it b/c I wanted to hang out with everyone. So we get there and its like black people everywhere. I am not racist, but.. wow. I felt like anyone could have spotted us.


So, the fun begins. I was feeling like shit, but I kept on dancing, singing, and having fun. I missed this. I missed hanging out with everyone and having a blast. It was worth everything. Dustin went to the DJ at the bowling place and told him that he can do the backwards bowling thing. (He was very very very drunk) So he goes and the DJ follows him to our alley (#18 baby) and he had to knock 7pins down to get two free passes back there. So Dustin turns around and chugs it down the alley between his legs and he gets a perfect strike. So everyone on our game got two free passes to Don Carters to go bowling for free. I think we will be using those again. Well, Dustin and I will b/c we had a blast. We danced, sang, and just.. I enjoyed myself greatly. Soon after, Jessica and her Josh left and then Leah and Johnathon left. Missy and Joel played DDR and then I played with Amanda and them on their aisle. Of course, I seen Blake (the guy at BRCC that I wanted so badly) and he was there with his g/f. Of course, I didn't go talk to him. Ohh well. I don't think he even seen me. But he is still hot. I was home for 1am or so. I hope to do everything again.


I talked to Amanda and Jessica about talking to Amy about me maybe goin back to Sonic. I don't wanna be at the Gonzales one though, I wanna go with Amy to her store. I like Amy, even though when she yells.. she sounds like she is barking. /= But I love her none-the-less. I need a job and I did enjoy my job, a lot. So I would like to go back. So yeah..



Today me and my mom cleaned up my room and tomorrow we are goin to go get my bed from my dads and soem of my stuff. Also we have to go to BRCC and to the mall. So tomorrow is goin to be run-around day. Joy! But oh well. We just left my brothers house, we went visit and talk to Aimee about some stuff. My brothers prayers have been answered. Someone finally bought his house in Texas so now he can start building his new house right by my mom. :D I am so happy.


..Hm, nothing new. I just been in a good mood lately and I don't know why. I feel great. I hope things stay like this.



Oh yeah, I wanna go hang out with some of Jamie, David, and Danielle and soon!!! I hope Jamie hangs out with us though or something instead of telling me he is too busy with Star Wars or don't wanna. /= I couldn't hang with him for a effin' year so he owes me!! But yeah, I need to make my way out there. x:




:D Bye, for now.

And I would do anything for love,
I'd run right into hell and back,
I would do anything for love,
I'll never lie to you and thats a fact.


But I'll never forget the way you feel right now
- Oh no - no way - I would do anything for love,
But I wont do that, I wont do that, anything for love,
I would do anything for love, I would do anything for love,
But I wont do that, I wont do that.


Some days it dont come easy,
Some days it dont come hard
Some days it dont come at all,
And these are the days that never end.


Some nights you breath fire,
Some nights your carved in ice,
Some nights your like nothing I've ever seen before, Or will again.


Maybe Im crazy, But it's crazy and it's true,
I know you can save me, No one else can save me now but you.


As long as the planets are turning,
As long as the stars are burning,
As long as your dreams are coming true - You better believe it! -


That I would do anything for love,
And I'll be there until the final act -
I would do anything for love!
And I'll take a Vow and Seal a pact -


But I'll never forgive myself if we dont go all the way - Tonight -
I would do anything for love!
I would do anything for love,
I would do anything for love,
But I wont do that, I wont do that...


I would do anything for love,
Anything you've been dreaming of,
But I just wont do that...


Some days I pray for Silence,
Some days I pray for Soul,
Some days I just pray to the God of Sex and Drums and Rock 'N' Roll.


Some nights I lose the feeling,
Some nights I lose control,
Some nights I just lose it all when I watch you dance and the thunder rolls.


Maybe I'm lonely, And thats all I'm qualified to be,
There's just one and only, The one and only promise I can keep.


As long as the wheels are turning,
As long as the fires are burning,
As long as your prayers are coming true - You better believe it - !


That I would do anything for love!
And you know it's true and thats a fact,
I would do anything for love!
And there'll never be no turning back -


But I'll never do it better than I do it with you,
So long - So long - I would do anything for love,
I would do anything for love,
I would do anything for love,
I would do anything for love,
But I wont do that, I wont do that!


I would do anything for love,
Anything you've been dreaming of,
But I just wont do that...


But I'll never stop dreaming of you
Everynight of my life - No Way -


I would do anything for love,
I would do anything for love,
I would do anything for love,
But I wont do that, I wont do that!


Girl : Will you raise me up?
    Will you help me down?
    Will you help get me right out of this Godforsaken town?
    Will you make it a little less cold?


Boy  : I can do that!
    I can do that!


Girl : Will you hold me sacred?
    will you hold me tight?
    Can you colorize my life I'm so sick of black and white?
    Can you make it a little less old?


Boy  : I can do that!
    I can do that!


Girl : Will you make me some magic, with your own two hands?
    Can you build an Emerald city with these grains of sand?
    Can you give me something that I can take home?


Boy  : I can do that!
    I can do that!


Girl : Will you cater to every fantasy that I've got?
    Will ya hose me down with holy water - if I get too hot - ?
    Will you take me to places that I've never known?


Boy  : I can do that!
    I can do that!


Girl : After a while you'll forget everything,
    It was a brief interlude, And a midsummer night's fling,
    And you'll see that it's time to move on.


Boy  : I wont do that!
    I wont do that!


Girl : I know the territory - I've been around,
    It'll all turn to dust and we'll all fall down,
    And sooner or later you'll be screwing around.


Boy  : I wont do that!
    I wont do that!


Anything for love, I would do anything for love,
I would do anything for love,
But I wont do that, I wont do that.

My stomach is bothering me today. I hate being sick. I hate it more than anything. Bleh. I have to go later and pick up some dinners that my mom ordered for some school fund-raiser. I don't wanna do it cause that will require me to change out of my PJs and to try and fix myself up some. Bleh. I been so lazy lately. Oh well, job hunting will start soon. I am ready for that. (= I been applying for places online that allows you to do so. Eh, I hope something comes back for me. I really need something and soon. I gotta start saving up for cruise trip we are taking next summer with Cole's graduation class. That will make my 4th cruise trip. This one is goin to Jamaica, Cozumel, and Cancun. I been to Jamaica and Cozumel, but not Cancun so I am happy about that. Also, I think we get one more day at an island or something? I don't know.


Also, when I get a job, I plan on start working out as well. I am gunna start going to that gym by my school so when I am done with school, I can swing by there and work-out for an hour or two and then go home. Yes, I am ready. I just hope I get a job that I like and pays better than 5.15 an hour. I don't want some crappy shit.


I am saving up for a big road trip we were suppose to go on in August. I think we were gunna hit NY, NJ, PA, TENN, and FL. But I don't know if we are now. I haven't talked to Leah in forever. I call her, but she doesn't answer so whatever.. And I have almost every class with her next semester. This is going to be a hoot. /=


I woke up again at 5:55am this morning. I couldn't go back to sleep so I listened to Kidd Kraddick all morning again. I love them. They are so funny. I really enjoy them.


My brother grilled hot-dogs last night. They were mmmm good. My brother was always a good cook. I think I might hang out with him and Aimee for a while tonight. Not sure. Depends on if I go anywhere or do anything. I know Ryan suppose to come visit, but he hasn't called me so it looks like another boring weekend.


..Bleh. I been thinking. I know I love him, but sometimes I wonder if everything is a joke. I feel so weird sometimes for when I talk to him. I feel like I am whole different part of his life that he keeps hidden so no one knows. I really do feel that way. And its stupid b/c I don't think he is lieing to me, but sometimes.. he just has the PERFECT excuse to everything. Right now, I understand why I haven't heard from him. His cellphone is cut off due the bill being way too high, but if it was something else as to why I didn't hear from him, he would have the perfect excuse. Sometimes he seems too perfect. Like he has no mistakes, no flaws, and what not. He is really different from any guy I like and so different from anything I ever wanted in a guy. I find myself thinking about him all the time. I even wrote my name out with his last name. Jalyn M... and it makes me wonder, wow. I could be her. Ms. M... (sorry not spelling it out) And I smile b/c I wanna be that. I wanna be his to have and to hold. Then I sit and wonder, well.. we are broken-up AGAIN. We are always breaking up and getting back together. Circle, that is all it is. I wanna stop the circle and make a line. I wanna hold him, kiss him, make love with him, make him smile, laugh, and just make him wanna be with me. I wanna be there next to him. I wanna wake up and see his face. I wanna lay down and have him hold me. I wanna get in lil fights over the stupidest things and then have great make-up sex. I wanna hold his hand. I wanna run my hands through his hair and wrap my arms around his waist. I want him to come up behind me for when I am not looking and wrap his arms around me. Hold me close at the same time, kiss my neck, and just whisper something great into my ear. I wanna sit in the passenger seat of his car and fight over the radio. I wanna play with his 39487397 million cats and try to remember all their names. I wanna have a pillow fight. I want him to call me and ask me what did I charge to the credit-card and end up being something I bought for him. I want kids with him. I want our kids to come home and dis obey us and have him handle them. I want us to fight and then say sorry and know everything will be okay. ..Most of all, I want him here with me or have me there with him.


..All I want is love from him and to know he loves me. Feels that he loves me. ..


Goodbye, for now.

I finally got a msg today from him on here. It kinda made me smile b/c at least I know he is alive. I just wish he would answer his house phone for when I call, but ohhh well. What can you do?


I am still sick as a dog and it sucks.


..I miss you and I do love you. /=

I am sick. /= Bleh, I hate being sick. My head is clogged, my nose is clogged, my throat hurts, ..etc.

You get the picture.



I hate you. /=

I am done. I can't take this. You tell me to call you, I do, and no answer or its busy non-stop. I give up. I can't sit and wait on you anymore.


I am finished with us.

This is all about you, I love you and miss you.






I've been dreaming of waking up happy under the sun,
In the smog and the traffic and dreams of California,
This lonely life takes to I-80 to try and forget,
The people and friends that forgot about me when I left,

I'm still finding home,
I'm finding my heart, my head,
The reason's why I left,

Cause this is for dreaming,
This is for leaving,
This is you picking up the pieces when I'm gone,
This is to drinking,
This is to living,
This is to packing up my shit and moving on,
I'm moving on,

I've been dreaming of lying down naked next to you,
Under stars on a blanket under the Los Angeles moon,
As we sit with our thoughts and watch the planes fly by,
It's nights like this that I look at you, I was born to be alive,

My western home,
My eastern heart,
The middle is my home,

Cause this is for dreaming,
This is for leaving,
This is you picking up the pieces when I'm gone,
This is to drinking,
This is to living,
This is to packing up my shit and moving on,
I'm moving on,

I don't mind,
Setting these traps for you to fall into, cause I,
I will be there, when you need to be rescued,
I'll rescue, I will rescue you,

Cause this is for dreaming,
This is for leaving,
This is you picking up the pieces when I'm gone,
This is to drinking,
This is to living,
This is to packing up my shit and moving on,
I'm moving on,

I miss him. /=

I'm so far away.
I been changing, but
you'll never see me.
I'm so far away.
Now I'm blaming
you for everything.
---


.<

/=

I got a headache.

Going see Star Wars on Friday with Ryan and Zelion.
Saturday, I am spending the day/night with Luke.
Sunday, I am goin see Star Wars again with the kid I use to babysit, Dillon.


Then job hunting starts.
Wish me luck.


Where are you?

I bind myself in false images of people. I learned something new about myself today. I suspect too much out of people. I want something no one can give me. I find myself searching for answers from people I never met in person. I also found myself searching to be friends to people I never met before, some I succeed.. others I do not. I bend and shape myself around those I wish to like me or at least find me amusing. Then again, the whole time.. I am truly myself. Does this make sense? No, actually it does not. But to me it does.


I hold other peoples expectations over my head, not what they want from me, but what they want for themselves. I'll help anyone in a instant with anything. I'll do anything (not just anything) with anyone in an instant. I find myself to be a great friend and person. I put others before me and never question why they are ahead of me, but then I get mad for when something great happens to those that I put ahead of me. Why? Because I never get a thanks or notice for what good deeds I do. I am always pushed back up against the wall and then I am easliy forgotten, but yet.. the imprint of my body is always there.


I get treated like shit from those I care most about and I get picked on for every lil thing I do, but yet.. when they want or need something, I am the first they call. I help because I love my friends, but then again.. I hate them for what they do to me. Do they notice it? No, never. They are too perfect. They build their perfection up to a higher level and make it seem like I am so small even though I am the one that helped them build their tower of misery. I always thought one day I'd show everyone how good of a person I am, but I keep failing at the things that help me get to where I want to be. I am not conceited, but I am starting to notice things. I guess you can say my eyes are getting opened. I finally got a slap of reality.



Here is my lil rant. Okay, I find myself to be a nice, sweet, decent, patient, funny, and sometimes.. downright too generous person. And I notice no matter what I do, I can't please everyone and yes, I know it is stupid for me to even try something like thta. But this is how I am. Take it or leave it. I find myself thinking about why I can't make people happy and then I realize its b/c they don't wanna be. I give up. I don't wanna be that person that is miserable unless everyone is happy. I am tired of trying to put smiles on people face. It is exhausting. Also, I worry too much about everyone else that I don't even stop to think about myself. I don't like that about myself either. I was going through my AIM list about 4mins ago and I realized half of the people on there NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER message me, but yet I message them just to say HI and HOW ARE YOU and they never ask it back. Example?


Me: Hey.
Them: Hey.
Me: How are you?
Them: Good.


And thats it. That is our conversation. WOW! That is a good conversation, can't you tell? Makes me all happy in the pants, NOT. I get so annoyed with shit like that. Why should I try if they don't? I can talk to a wall, but I am tired of talkin to walls. Its like pulling teeth to get some people to talk. Why? I have no clue. Am I that annoying, weird, stupid, or just.. ______ (fill in the blank)? I don't get myself at all or people anymore. I hate humanity.


I found myself thinking about animals and I got so upset and started to cry because I started to think about people that are cruel to animals. I am on this message board and this girl was talking about how she seen someone bury a cat from head down and ran the cat over with a lawnmower, WTF? Are you stupid? Why would you do that? How is that funny or even .. slightly fun?! I don't get it. Or the people that like dog fighting or rooster fighting? WTF? Why would you do that? Why is it funny to watch animals fight till the death of one of them? [sniffs] I am crying just thinking about it. People like that should get drugged up and fight till they die? How about that? Hell, people might find that funny as well. Our world is fucked up and so are the people in it. It makes me so mad to sit here and call myself human. Yes, I do stupid things, but not as ignorant as some peoples. They just don't think, at all.


Then I started to think about those that get abused by men (or in some cases, women). Why would you do that? Why would you beat up someone else? Is it a mental problem or is it something you just enjoy? Personally, I think no one should be hit unless it is out of defense, but just random beating up someone for the hell of it? FUCK NO. Beat up yourself for fuck sakes. Mental, phyiscal, or emotional abuse is horrible. I been there with the mental/emotinal abuse and it isn't fun. It hurts and it is carried with you till you die. I hate the feeling of someone making me feel small. Someone just recently did it and it made me so mad. I don't care if it wasn't from their point of view, but it was from mine. Don't belittle me. I am not your toy. I am not here for your pleasure.



Now my head is running around about those women that killed their kids and blamed it on either black people or PMS. Fuck you. Why would you kill your kids? If you can't handle it then please give 'em up for an adoption or leave 'em on a doorstep, at least they'll have their life. Why would you take away innocent lives? Lets drown you, burn you with hot hot water, or beat your head with some heavy rocks. How would you like that? I don't think you would like that too much. I see eye for an eye on a lot of things and it just bothers me how our government handles situations. If you don't have money then you are fucked. Fucked in the ass.



All I have to say now is...




America, bend over, pull your buttcheeks apart, and stand still. Because you are about to get royally fucked for the rest of your life.












I still haven't heard from him. I gave up, but I am not giving up.

I love you and miss you.



if only i had the guts to feel this way.
if only, i look at you and you
would want to stay.

I give up. I can't do this anymore. Him not answering his phone is killing me. I can't sit around and wait and hope on him anymore.


I love you, but I just can't take this.

Love and electricity are one in the same, my dear. If you do not feel the jolt in your soul every time a kiss is shared, a whisper is spoken, a touch is felt, then your not really in love at all.















I love you and miss you. /:

I miss him so badly right now. It is killing me. It is slowly killing me. I want him so badly right now. He has his phone on, but like always.. he isn't answering. What else is new?


..Nothing, nothing at all.



I will always love you.