i dont want to do this i dont want to feel like this anymore its fucking bullshit and im the one that caused it but whatever... blah!!!!!! i hate myself and everything that has to do with me im terrible
hmm yesness... blah i miss david a lot... but shh u didnt hear that from me. i havent been doing to good but again u dont know that im getting addicted to the stupid vicodin lol everyday im taking it so far and i like it because it makes me numb and thats what i need right now to forget and block out what i did and how it hurts and other shit... i made a promise to myself in my real life diary it says i will never tell another guy i love them. and im going to stick to it i dont even want another boyfriend. i was sorta with mark but neither of us really want that well im not sure about him but i didnt want it so thats all im never having sex again and yeah thats freaking crazy for me to say that but i really dont want to ever! i still love david more than anything and what i did to him was fucked up and it had to do with sex so im never doing it again i dont want to hurt anyone ever again and im not going to be with anyone in a relationship so theres no way i can get hurt which it really doesnt matter my pain goes away with 2 little pills. im lil scared deep down that i might do something like drink too much or take too many pills and do something fucking stupid but i dont know like friday i was fucked up and i bet that if i wasnt leaving right then me and mark would of done something and then iwould feel even more shitty because ahhh thats just slutty according to brandon we almost were or something but i dont remember that shit i told mark i took advantage of him lol isnt that great but yeah i dont know my vicodin is wearing off right now so im gonna go take some more because im starting to get a ache in my chest and i hate that feeling... there is this secret im keeping for someone i should tell this person because well according to someone else what happened was different so it could change how everything went but i dont know i dont think it will i still let it happen i still said ok but ahhh he wouldnt stop taking my pants off god!!! i dont know how am i supposed to know blah!!! this happened before but it was alil different i was a scared little girl i didnt have sexual feelings like i do now which that made a difference but ahhhh i dont know i wish i did but then i wish i didnt because if i know the truth then it might make me go crazy again i already am but more than now and the whole thing is now i have nobody to save me from it and when im like this i cant help save others which also sucks because there are a lot of people i can be helping right now im trying my best to do that and i hope its working but i dont know im done writing bye
hmm yes i wanted to make another one sayin yes i am sorry that i am stupid and dont think and i love you! DAVID!!!!!!!!!
i love you david and yes ok that all i got to say haha i love you!!!!!!!