This is how I feel...

"Happy?"

In this hole
That is me
The dead are rolling over
In this hole
Thickening
Dirt shoveled over shoulders

I feel it in me
So overwhelmed
Oh, this pressured center rising
My life overturned
Unfair the despare
All these scars keep ripping open

Peel me from the skin
Tear me from the rind
Does it make you happy now?

Tear meat from the bone
Tear me from myself
Are you feeling happy now?

In this hole
That is me
A life that's growing feeble
In this hole
So limiting
The sun has set; all darkens

Buried underneath
Hands slip off the wheel
Internal path-way to contention

Peel me from the skin
Tear me from the rind
Does it make you happy now?

Tear meat from the bone
Tear me from myself
Are you feeling happy now?

Are you
HAPPY

Are you
HAPPY

Are you feeling happy?

In this hole
That is me
Left with a heart exhausted
What's my release??
What sets me free?
Do you pull me up just to push me down again?

Peel me from the skin
Tear me from the rind
Does it make you happy now?

Tear meat from the bone
Tear me from myself
Are you feeling happy?

Peel me from the skiiiiiiiiiin
Peel me from the skiiiiiiiiiin
Tear me from the rind
Does it make you happy now?

Tear me from the boooooooooone
Tear me from the boooooooooone
Tear me from myself
Are you feeling happy?

Does it make you happy?
Are you feeling happy?
Are you fucking happy?
Now that I'm lost left with nothing

Does it make you happy?
Are you feeling happy?
Are you fucking happy?
Now that I'm lost left with nothing

Once again... Pouring my soul out for the world to see. I guess I like it. I don't know. I'm not certain about much any more. Except that I'm a fool, a liar, and a coward... I Ka'mai if you will... Life's Fool. And I guess I am... There's no real better way to explain it. Unless I get a miracle I'm probably going to lose the only thing that made my life worth living. I'm scared, I'm afrid of what's going to happen. I have an idea, but I'm afrid it's not the ideal concept, but then again when is life ever an ideal concept. I don't think anything could heal this wound. I just keep telling myself that "It can't rain all the time". Hoping that we get through this and make it all better. Like it was before I turned into Ka'mai. I don't know what to do. I can soldier through it all I want, but in the end it's not my job to decide the outcome. I don't like when I can't control things. I guess all I can do is ride the wheel of Ka as Roland would put it. Ride the wheel. And where I land is where I stay. Just ride the wheel.

So yea... I just got done watching Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind, for the second time. I fucking love that movie, but every time I see it it makes me sad. Just a quick note, ever notice how people who normally make funny movies are always better in serious ones. Anyways, yea... It always makes me sad when I see that movie. It's just... Sad how Jim Carey finds out that Kate Winslet deleted him from his mind... But what really gets me is when he does it to her (delete her from his mind) to get back at her, but while it's going down he realizes that he still loves her insanly. That's a real kick in the nuts. Then he tries to hide her in his mind, but no matter where he puts them the doctor doing the deleting always find them, and deletes her. And it just makes me think of how much I love my own girlfriend, and how I never want to be without her. I would never think of deleting her, even if it did go sour, the good memories are more then enough to keep her up there. And I hope she never leaves. As I tell her all the time, I love the crap outta her, and I wouldn't give her up for the world. I know I've made my mistakes in the past, but those are going to stay right where they are, in the past. I'm never going to hurt her like that again, I learned my mistake, and I'm ashamed of it every day. And I want her to know that I would never even think of it again. I love her too much to lose her because I listened to my dick when I shouldn't have.

Here's another journal entry, unfortunatly it won't be a funny or random as like the other ones in the past but this is a serious one. I was driving home today from work, and I saw a car with those headlights that are in the car when they're not on and they pop out when someone turns them on. Anyways, I saw a car like that and it reminded me of this one time in like the 5th grade or some shit, when we were riding a bus to a field trip, I think we were going to Lexington and Concord. And this guy in a black car with the same kind of headlights noticed we were waving to him and he popped them up and down like three times, and I remember I was so happy, because back then I was easily amused. While I'm still easily amused, I'm also not 11 anymore, but I could still remember that memory like it was yesterday, and a thought stuck me... Where's the young days gone? I'm 17, and I just realized how unprepared I am for... for life. I don't know what to do at all. And frankly I'm a little scared of what may happen after I graduate highschool (which I'll be doing next summer God-willing) because I have no idea what to do. And all day after that, a thought just kept hitting me in the face... I don't want to grow up.

So... Resident Evil 4, the new one. It starts out fine, as hard as you would expect a game like that to be. But then it gets so hard, it's like Leon himself came to your house at night, woke you up and kicked you in the nuts repeatedly until you feel in a coma. Then when you woke an hour later you find yourself in a pure white room with him standing over you with a gun to your face saying you have to take a written test with no hands... Let it process... Yes, it's that hard. It makes Battle Toads look like Hungry Hungry Hippos. The only reason you don't get deterred from this and just return the game is because by the time it gets like this it's already 3 hours into the game and you don't want to quit, "I already invested so much time into this", you say. But you know what... It's all worth it. 

What two animals do you have to cross to get a Giraffahorn, I wonder?

Anywho, so I said I said to Maria today that if she doesn't strighten out that kitchen of hers it's going to turn into another Flour Incident of '84 again.

Words of wisdom...

"It's better to have a beer belly then a liqour liver"

I am a lucky bastard!

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Holy crap, I had to draw a picture of Micky Mouse in my computer class.

Did you know thgat there is a secret tone that, if heard, will make you lose all control over your bowels

Did you know, that when you have two halfs of a 6/10 you actually get the formula for dynamite. In turn you can use this new formula to put down the exact coordinates of Area 51 in your MS Paint program, it's easy. All you do it put the chemical formula for dynamite where it says properties int he sub-root folder in the garbage file in the system directory for the local high school, and viola! You can see a clear picture of Area 51.

Thr ravings of a madman #2

So... I was doing this trig problem the other day, and for shits and giggles, I decided to use PI instead of SINE. To my intense realization, and after hours of work, I realized I just mathematically proved wrong the exsistence of god, and the race of man as a whole. Were an anomaly!

The ravings of a madman #1

One day when I was only eight years old, a pimp came up to me and offered me some coke. I happily recieved it and my world was turned upside down. I realized that time will go backwards if you look at a clock in the mirror. I did that once and met the great George Washington. He was all like "Yo dog?" and I was all like "No way!" and he was all like "Four score and eight beavers ago..." and I was like "Dude, I'm outtie"