Ok, so I shoulda done this sooner, but I've been . . . busy. Anyway, I finally did go to Scarborough for my birthday instead of easter. It was a lot of fun, and in fact, I'm going again this weekend. And this time, I get to go with friends, though we are still not camping out. I got the cutest dragon picture for my son's room- it's called Scorch and it's a print from the Lawrence A Williams. I really love his stuff, and surprisingly enough it's not terribly expensive. Thomas could care less about his room decor, but you know how mommies are!

Speaking of Thomas, my poor baby got shots today and now he's all fussy and pissed off in general. I don't blame him though! I swear they used like, a 2" needle in his little legs for all 4 shots. The only good part about going to the pediatrician is getting an official height and weight. My baby boy is now 15lbs 4oz and 24 and 5/8". Nifty, huh? The doc was a little pissed that we already started giving him food, but I had to! It's the only way to get him to sleep for more than 3-4 hours. I guess you can't please everybody . . .

This past mother's day was wonderful - I got cards and taken out for lunch and my husband bought me some new cds (Modest Mouse and Tool, both of which ROCK!). I think being a mom is quite nice, most of the time. Oh, and I got to watch the second disc of Desert Punk, which is probably the most awesome, horribly funny, tactless anime I have ever seen. Seriously - it's almost like the trainwreck theory - it's so awful that you can't look away, except that I also can't stop laughing even though I know it's WRONG. I'm sure if there's a god I'll be roasted over hot coals for enjoying it. 

I was supposed to go to Scarborough Faire last weekend, but instead I got sick. I actually got sick on Wed. but it hadn't gone away by Sat., so I didn't get to go. Rather than enjoy shopping and music, costumes and performers, I stayed home, sat on the couch, and tried to hold food and water down and in. I am better now, but not happy. All my friends went last weekend, so even though I will get to go this year, it won't be as much fun with just me, my husband, and our lil boy. Oh well. I will still enjoy it. I think we are gonna go my birthday weekend - may 5, but we'll see.

Today has not been good. My husband is sick as a dog, I have no money, and Scarborough Faire is just a few days away. Justin must get better and money must magically appear in my bank account before Saturday . . . otherwise I will be unhappy. If he's not better, I either can't go to the faire, or I have to go alone. Just me and the tyke, well, and all the friends we are meeting there. But still. And if I have no money, it means no faire yummies, no new toys, and no alcohol . . . I hate being the only sober person in our group (for more on that, read my section on Renaissance Faire 05). 

Thomas is doing so well! He's 12lbs, which is just HUGE! And he finally hit 21in. That means he's still short for his age, but is in range weight-wise. He looks around now and smiles. The best part though is that he finally recognizes me and only wants his mommy sometimes. Talk about a payoff! I'm still having issues with his grandmother - she seems to forget he's my kid - but they are getting better. Justin sorted her out on it. Finally.

I haven't been getting on with my dad well lately. He's been going on and on about how I shouldn't 'drag the baby' to my gaming group on Saturdays or to faires, and that I am too old for video games. He says real, mature grown ups spend their time appropriately. I wonder if he means I should get drunk out of my mind on weekends like he and my stepbrothers do. Is that properly adult? Hmmmmm . . .

I don't have a lot to talk about. I'm trying to learn to be a mother . . . that's hard. I'm trying to make new friends that are also mothers through a meet-up group, but I'm not fitting in very well. The other moms are mostly older, from CA, and have like 3 kids. They watch Desperate Housewives and Guiding Light - and they couldn't tell an elf from a halfling or an orc from an ogre. Let's just say the conversation topics I can join in on with them are limited. I wonder if there's a fantasy lovers mommy group around here? Anybody? No? Figures.

I watched The Libertine with some friends last week and LOVED it. It's not a nice movie, or a sigh and sweat over the beautiful Depp kinda movie either. It's cynical and tragic, poetic and beautiful. The film style was gorgeous, though I tend to prefer less grain (don't get me started on digital vs. film). The pace of the movie was slow, but it suited the plot well. I had a great time watching it and even more fun discussing it over beers later. Ahhhh . . . how I miss film school.

Thomas got his shots today and it was *traumatic*. The nurse was so matter of fact about it, but I was about in tears watching him cry. Poor thing. 4 shots in 2 legs is just a bit much when you're only 8 weeks old. 

I have started work on his Easter outfit, which will be ADORABLE. Expect pictures . . . many pictures. Speaking of pictures, I never did get any taken in my Ren outfit from this year, and if you happen to be looking forward to them, stop. I washed the clothes and that tore up a few of my hems. I will eventually fix them and do pictures, but I couldn't say when. I'm already getting geared up for new costumes. Thomas will of course be Toby from Labrynth. I wanted Justin (my husband) to be Jareth, but he looks at me funny when I mention his hair and makeup, so I think that's a no. For me, I will be a gypsy. A fat gypsy who doesn't belly dance. Still, it'll be a fun costume.

I haven't been on in about a month, so if you've wondered what's been up, here's the scoop: Friday, January 5th my water broke. There I was, taking a lovely afternoon nap, when suddenly goop started leaking all over the place and I began to have contractions that actually hurt. I went to the hospital in a near panic because I was not due to deliver until February 26th. 

They admitted me and did what they could to halt labor, which thankfully worked. Since the amniotic sack was no longer intact, my doctor decided to put me on bed rest at the hospital to prevent my going into labor again, and to keep me from getting an infection. This was not pleasant, but it was necessary. I wound up staying in the hospital for exactly 11 days, 13 hours, and 32 minutes. 

During this time I was woken up every 4 hours to check my and the baby's vital signs (blood pressure for me, heart rate for the baby), and received over 2 dozen sticks (not counting the ones that I got 4 times a day to check blood sugar) while they tried to set IV's and get blood samples. I hope my son knows how much I love him . . . I was also catheterized 3 times due to pre-eclampsia and that REALLY sucks ass. Those little rubber tubes hurt and there's a certain sense of violation. I'll leave it at that. 

Anyway, my doctor induced labor Sunday night, January 15. All they did was place a cervix softener and I went into labor on my own. This was really great because pitocin causes really painful contractions, and if my labor hadn't started without it, I would've been stuck taking it. 

I had this insane idea that I would have the baby without an epidural, though I did get some pain killers (morphine is a truly INTERESTING experience). But, at 7 centimeters I decided I didn't want to feel anything more painful than what I was experiencing right then. Unfortunately, I did have to feel something a little more painful than that in the process of getting the epidural. There is nothing quite like having to hold absolutely still through contractions occurring a minute or less apart while some guy you met five minutes ago starts shoving a needle longer than my hand in and out of my back; searching for the apparently elusive epidural space within my spine. This would be unpleasant enough as it is, but the needle sticking and probing is accompanied by painful, burning twinges in my legs as the good anesthesiologist bumps random nerve endings in his never ending quest to alleviate my pain. 

So, amidst the pleasures of modern day childbirth, the epidural is finally placed and I go numb from the waist down. I think that had to be about the weirdest sensation I have ever experienced, because you can still feel, but you can't make anything move. Then the doctor decides my labor is progressing to quickly, so she gives me a shot to slow it down. Of course, the shot has to go in my arm where I can still feel it . . . 

I did finally manage to catch a little sleep between contractions at this point. Labor is exhausting! Then, I woke up feeling as if I desperately needed to push. I won't say it was painful, but it kinda feels like you're trying to shit a rubix cube. The nurse didn't believe me, so I had to lay there with this cube-ish sensation for about 2 hours, until the woman decided to check me again. The baby was about an inch or two from crowning at this point, so the doctor and her army of assistants rushed in and I was FINALLY allowed to push. Three little pushes later, and a pallid, gooey, squalling child shot out from betwixt my legs and into the doctor's waiting arms. I got to hold him for a few moments before they whisked him off to the neonatal ICU. 

He was so precious. He lay there on my belly looking around and kicking his little legs. It was the most amazing moment of my life to date. 

After they took him, I found out that the baby isn't the only thing you have to squeeze out. So, I had to deliver the placenta, and then lay there as some women I have NEVER met before plunges her arms to the elbow into my womb to pull out errant chunks of placental goo. I am quite glad I could not feel that. I am also quite glad that I have never seen that woman since, because I am not sure I could look her in the face without blushing. Usually I at least get dinner and a movie before becoming that intimate with someone. And she wasn't even my type. Jeez.

Then my baby - Thomas Egan Toliver - was stuck in NICU for 10 days. This was traumatic on us. Justin couldn't take off work much because if he did, he wouldn't have time to take off after the baby came home. So, I was all by myself at the NICU for days on end, watching my baby sleep and looking forward to the brief moments at feedings where I was allowed to hold him. I won't go into detail about this time because the wound is still a bit fresh.

January 26th, I got to take Thomas home. There's more, but I can't imagine anyone even reading this far into it, so I'll leave the rest for later.

Only a week later, and so much has changed! I failed the glucose test so it's a sure thing that I have gestational diabetes. I have to check my blood sugar 4x a day and may end up on insulin or other medication. I won't know that until dec 22. I have until the to control my insulin and sugar levels through diet and exercise. I don't mind giving up the sweets, but I miss my carbs. Oh well. It's only for 11 weeks and I'll probably be healthier for it.

I got to listen to the baby's heartbeat yesterday and he is doing well. He had the hiccups though, so it sounded funny. I have been going to lamaze classes with my husband and they've been . . . interesting. I am beginning to wonder if it wouldn't be better for me to just avoid watching childbirth for the remainder of my pregnancy, cause those videos freak me out! 

Ok, I'm still working on getting pics of my husband and I in costume to post. I know how desperately everyone has been waiting for them, but you'll just have to stop holding your breath. I swear I'll post em when I've got em. I may also post a sonagram pic but I dunno. You really can't see much in there. 

I had a great Thanksgiving - complete with too much turkey and too much shopping. I promise myself every year that I won't shop on Black Friday, but I end up doing it anyway. Maybe next year I'll freeze my car keys in a block of ice the day before. That should keep me otherwise occupied, right? 

The baby is doing really well, and so am I. I do wish the lil booger would quit playing hackeysack when I try to sleep, but apparently it's just training for after he's born. My friends and family warn me not to expect sleep for a good 2-3 months after the birth. I hope they're wrong! So far as I know, my glucose test came up negative, so score another win on the healthy baby side. I am a little nervous about pre-eclampsia though. My feet swell and that's one of the symptoms. I'll prolly ask the doc about it next week at my appointment. I am in my 7th month, third trimester, 28th week, 196th day, 4,704 hour. I think. Wish me luck!

Ok, this entry is like a week late, and there's so much to tell that I don't know where to start. First - the reason this was not typed up last week - I got REALLY sick. Apparently, you can get this stuff called oral thrush, which is basically a yeast infection in your mouth. Gross, right? I have NO idea how I got it, since I wash my hands obsessively. Anyway, I didn't know what I had, so I went unmedicated for nearly a week, where I couldn't eat or talk or drink anything warmer or colder than about room temp. I lost about 20lbs, which is BAD when you're pregnant, especially to lose it in 1 week. I FINALLY got around to calling the doctor (well, my husband actually talked to her) and got medicine (which is NASTY!). So, now I'm mostly better and the skin in my mouth has grown back, so it's all good.

Now, about ren fair. First off, strange men with sexual favor wheels on their chests should not be toyed with. They are dangerous and unpredictable, especially when the spinner lands on 'Kiss Anything.' Second, being the only sober person in your camp sucks. Third, when the weatherman says it might be chilly at night, be sure to bring more than blankets and pillows, or get ready to sleep in your car. Seriously, though, I had a great time. I met some really nice people from Austin, one who manages and produces for some AWESOME local bands. 

I got to see some great acts, including my perenial fav To the Hilt. You've never seen anything until you've seen comedy swordfighting. I also, for the first time, saw Cast in Bronze perform. It was so beautiful - imagine sitting in a cool, sunlit grove, light gently filtering through the trees, while the air vibrates with the pure tones of 42 bronze bells. The Carol of the Bells actually brought tears to my eyes, and not just b/c I'm all pregnant and emotional. Justin cried too. The guy who performs on the bells was pretty neat too. I got to talk to him after the performance, and had him autograph his cds for me. He wears a full black suit and mask so that only his eyes peer through a golden heron mask, and his fingers protrude from holes in silken gloves. It was great. There's so much more, but anyone with the patience to read this far impresses me, so that'll be it for this entry.

Well, the sonagram went fine and the baby is OK. Not that I was worried, but confirmation of good things is always nice. My mother in law did alright . . . only a lil weepy and mostly coherent. 

I'm going to the Texas Renaissance Faire this weekend and am REALLY excited. If you're going to be there too, feel free to stop by our lil campsite - just look for the ugly blue canopy and a flag with 3 crescent moons on it. We never get to go on Halloween weekend b/c a dear friend of mine doesn't like to deal with the crowds, but this year we talked him into it! YAY!!! It's supposed to be one of the best weekends for costumes, and I LOVE looking at other people's designs . . . gives me ideas for next time. Anyway, I'll have more after I've actually gone to it.

Ok, since last post I lost my job as a video editor at VTV. I kinda miss working with media everyday, but I don't miss working for assholes. My direct boss there was a sweetie, but corporate execs are almost always (in my experience) some of the most awful people around. Anyway, I got another job as an admin assistant, so now I do business paperwork for my in-laws. It's nothing fancy, but I make enough to cover my insurance bills and since it's part time, I have more time to prepare for baby.

No new news on the baby yet - I'll be going next week for a full sonagram to check on the his physical development. Basically, it's just a standard check to make sure each of the major organ groups is developing. My mother in law will be coming along, and is very excited to see the sonagram. I am not thrilled at the prospect, since I know she'll be all weepy, but I'm more interested in how the baby is doing.

It's been awhile since my last post, but that's because things have been soooooooo busy. My great grandmother died, and I miss her . . . she had a beautiful funeral and the procession to the graveyard was like 1.5 miles long. I think a lot of people will miss her. She was so awesome - she used to tell me stories about traveling through the west looking for work, traditional courtship, chores the old fashioned way, and naughty fun with moonshiners and rum runners. I wish the baby I'm having could have known her . . .

Speaking of the baby, we had an amniocentesis done and we are clear of any form of chromosomal abnormalities. I am really happy we don't have to worry about trisomy 18 or 13, because if it had been positive for that I would have had to abort, and that would've been really sad. As it stands, we have a healthy baby BOY!!! I can't believe it's a boy . . . now, should I name him Thomas Egan or Colin Jareth? Choices, choices.

Well, my great grandmother has gotten worse. Because of the cancer, her body is no longer processing toxins out of her blood. This has caused her to be more confused and even demented. She attacked the nurses and my aunt the other day because she thought they had stolen her baby, and then later refused medication as she believed we were trying to poison her. Now the hospice nurse is keeping her sedated so that she will stay calm and mostly asleep until she passes. 

I had a doctor's appointment last week, and everything went well. This wasn't with the specialist for trisomy 18 or 13, just my regular ob/gyn. We listened to the baby's heartbeat and had another sonagram. She says everything looks good, so I'm happy. That and I just love getting more sonagram pictures for my baby book. Of course, once again, weenit refused to get in a position where we can determine it's gender . . . Maybe next time, right? 

Some sad news in this entry, I'm afraid . . . My great grandmother is dying of cancer right now. They just diagnosed it Monday, and gave her about 10 days to live. She's very traditional, and has decided to refuse treatment. I'm a little upset about this because she has a pretty serious case of Alzheimer's and is confused so often that I'm not sure if she made this decision in her right mind. It's hard enough to know what you are signing when you're on serious pain medication, but imagine adding the confusion of memory loss every 5 -10 minutes . . . However, I respect her decision. I visited her last night and about half the time she wasn't sure who I was or where she was. It was disturbing, but also comforting, as she has no recollection of her illness.

On the pregnancy front, I'm apparently at a 1% risk for a very rare disorder called trisomy 18 or 13 (yes that's really the name) and have to go in for more tests soon. I'm not sure if I should be worried or not, since it's such a low risk factor, but per the doctor, it's odd to have even that much of a risk involved. I'm trying not to get worked up over it, but the disorder causes some pretty severe birth defects, and that's scary. I could write more on this, but I just don't feel like it.

I got my very first sonogram on Tue and it was very strange and exhilarating. My kid is apparently very active in there, even though I can't feel it yet. It was freaky to see it jumping around on the monitor as the doctor tried to listen to it's heartbeat. It was also really cool though. Knowing your pregnant is one thing, but actually seeing the baby and hearing it's heart beat is just . . . awesome. I was also relieved to finally get my test results back confirming that the chance of this baby having Down's is extremely low. I worry about that kinda thing . . . Anywho, that's about it for this entry.

Today is a kinda sad day. My husband's dog ran off and we haven't been able to find him. He has a collar and tags, but that doesn't mean anything really. He actually left on Sat. night, but I haven't been worried until now. He runs off all the time, and always comes back, but he's never been gone this long before. I feel guilty about the whole thing too, because I never really liked that dog. Now he's gone and Justin is sad . . . Maybe I'll get him a puppy. Then he'll feel better.

On the pregnancy front, things are looking pretty good. My next appointment is Aug 9 and I'm excited - I should be able to see the baby and hear it's heart beat. I have been feeling a little sick lately, but it's not too bad. To be honest, I think the big fuss over morning sickness has more to do with Hollywood portrayals of what it should be versus what it actually is. Then again, maybe I'm lucky.

I went to my first prenatal exam, and that was freaky. There's nothing quite like being prodded and poked for upwards of an hour. The worst part was getting my blood drawn. It's not that I'm afraid of needles or that the sight of blood makes me pass out. It's that I have hard to hit veins, and it takes many jabs and lots of probing to hit a vein. Now I look like some kinda junkie, with huge bruises on both arms and on the back of my hand. They needed 8 vials of blood and will be taking more at my next appointment. I think I'm being tested for every disease known to man. 

I am excited though. At my next appointment, I'll be getting a sonogram, so I'll be able to see the baby (as a vague greenish dot) for the first time.

So, big update since the last time I wrote in here - I am pregnant. 7 weeks in, as a matter of fact. It's a pretty big and scary thing - all that responsibility, all the time, money, and effort you have to put into it. But, I am excited and happy too. I can already see where my womb is, and will get to see my first images of the baby on Tuesday. 

No, I haven't been morning sick, or moody, or craving freaky things. I have had to lay off caffeine and start drinking lots of water and milk (ugh), though. 

As far as the stuff I've been waiting on - I still haven't heard from Angrymonk . . . but my camera is in the mail, and I've gotten to post on shadefall so it's all good.

This seems to be a time in my life where I am expected to cultivate patience. I don't think I'm achieving this goal - but no matter how eager I am, I can't seem to reach a resolution on anything.

I am waiting to post in the shadefall wiki- I've made a character, started a sketch - but can't play until the academies have been introduced.

I am waiting for sketches from angrymonk - I am really excited to see what he's done with my character concept for Dako, a black robed wizard I've been playing in a Dragonlance D&D campaign. But no matter how excited I am, good art takes time . . .

I am waiting to hear back from a person in Hong Kong from whom I am buying an expensive (for me) video camera. I want to pay thru escrow.com, but they have to agree to it before we can proceed - so far, no word. I am really worried about this b/c I agreed to buy the camera already, but don't want to send $ via wire transfer, no matter how good the seller's 3 years of feedback have been. But, I really want my camera. Now. 

So you see, lots of waiting, no resolution. Will I learn patience, probably not. Will I try my damndest? What other choice do I have?

The concert was great, but that was about a week ago - and now I am going INSANE with boredom. I think I'm going to the movies this weekend, but I dunno. There are only two movies out that I wanna see right now - Howl's Moving Castle and Land of the Dead. Maybe I'll go to a matinee . .

I am going to see New Blood Revival tonite!!! SWEET!! I really can't wait. Just a few more hours - i must be patient!

So, about me . . . I like mostly heavy metal music, so this concert is a bit of a deviation for me. NBR is more like ska than metal, but they are so good . . .

Why do i like metal? well, mostly b/c it's a great way to get out any aggression i might be feeling. It helps me create because it's fast beat and i really like the complex rhythms. I dunno, I like it for a lot of reasons. Anyway, that's good for now, I think.