happy christmas guys =) hope you all have a fantabulous day =) it's almost over here but nevermind...t'
it's too hard...someone kidnap me and get me home again?
the panic attacks are back...GRRRRR and i've seen so many pics of the 6th form entertainment.
on the other hand happy christmas everyone...dun
this is blatantly my parents holiday and i'm just here because they couldn't leave me behind "becca what do you want to do?" "i don't know anything about what there is to do here" "ok then we're going here, here and here" "oh"
so there was me getting myself ready for new zealand and while walking round sydney today my mum just casually said "graham had an apartment in that building" thanks for that one...wasn't expecting that and now i'm falling again...and friday is getting closer...
we're going out tonight to meet my uncle's partner...yeah the people who organised my uncle's funeral were liars...it's getting fucking complicated now and i don't want to be told about anything but my mum still insists on doing it even though she complains when i tell her something about people and she goes "well so-and-so shouldn't have been told that, they're too young to be bothered by all this" well that's what she's doing to me now...arghhhhh
how are you allowed to say "arse" but not "faggot"...i can't believe they censored Fairy Tale of New York :O tis so not right...
and orange goes with a kinda tree green even less than it goes with my pale green t-shirt from yesterday...i should stop wearing green?
2 hours 42 mins until we go...i'm sure i've forgotten something...i'
it's weird packing summer clothes...i'm still not wanting to go though...
why is "fuck off and die" all i can think about while my mother is talking to me?
mum told me i won't be going on holiday if i don't have anything in my suitcase...may
just knowing someone's there if you need them is a comfort...when they're not there the world seems different...
i'm back somewhere i'd never thought i'd go again...and i don't like it...i'm frightened...
i hate trying my hardest, getting something i want and then the parents(specifically one's mother) go and use that tone like "you can do this, but why the hell can't you do well at school?"...som
two things i learnt yesterday...
-there was Greek statue called Aprhodite of Knidos and when it used to be in it's little temple thingy, there were stories that men used to sneak in at night and have sex with the statue, not realising it was made of stone
-Cambridge Uni library has every book published in the country...and at the top of the tower is the pornography section...the tower does not look the best shape in the dark...
learnt at some point this week...
Catullus carmen 16 is always a good poem also...and sparrow is apparently a metaphor...hmm
i also have "erotic" "phallic" "sex" and a few other similar words written in my notes many times...oh dearie...
i don't know whether i enjoyed the classics course...it was a good experience, i learnt lots but i can't say i truly had fun...i know classics isn't meant to be uber fun but still...it's really confused me...maybe this is God's way of telling me that i shouldn't go to uni, that all i'll do is fail, that i should do something else...i don't know...
and i'm terrified about going on holiday...more so than i was going on this course...i don't know if i'm ready to go out there again...
i'm home and i also just discovered i'm totally skiving off school on Thursday...i actually have the time to go in but i'm not...ooops but ssssssshhhhhhh
coming home tomorrow afternoon...ya
having a major classics overload, and i don't seem to be able to make friends at all...this is making me panic more and generally therefore i get stress headaches and so i cannot focus properly and it takes all my effort to stay awake in lectures and all i really want to do is curl up in bed and sleep/cry all day and i miss all my friends muchly and i'm not going to see them until at least 10th december and i want to go home and yesterday i spent the day at the british museum(somewhere the classics class should go) wondering how easy it would be for me to sneak home again...and i'm worried by the fact everyone has so much background knowledge and all we literally know are the texts and nothing to accompany that and they all ask when my oxbridge interview is and then comes to awkward "i'm not clever enough" mumble and so the conversation dies and awkward silences take over...someone rescue me?
apart from that i'm learning loads of new stuff and it's a good experience...
there's a time where you have to take a step back and think..."am i making a mistake with this? will it really make everything good in the long run?" often the answer is "yes" then "no"
hmmmm sometimes guys worry me slightly...esp
*happy happy happy* in a weird "i don't know how i'm feeling really" way
there's actually times i want to kill my mother...no wait that's all the time...