i might not seem quite on the planet at the moment...i am but i'm not in the right place...my mind is in Leigh...a place that could have been my home...it's beautiful in winter...it's stunning in summer...1st january was the last time i'll ever go there...i don't know how much longer i can stay strong...i have no real purpose anymore...

is it really worth all this trouble when it's going to get worse and i'm never going to get anywhere...?

*wakes up*"dad have you been shopping?"
"no...should i have been?"
"mum left you a list"
"it said nothing about shopping tonight"
"but dad i need some dinner and lunch tomorrow!"
"no-one tells me anything in this house"*grumbles*
*hides under duvet*

...later...
*dad looks at list* "well you don't need that"
"i do for my lunch"
"and i'm not getting you any chocolate, you can *indistinct word* that idea. what does this say?"
"caffeinated coffee"
"don't you mean decaf?"
"no that's what the cupboard's full of i want some caffeine"
"grrrr"

and he's finally gone shopping, but i just got up and my legs completely collapsed...that's apparently what happens when becca doesn't eat anything for 48 hours...

ask me about my holiday, that's fine. when i tell you it was crap/alright and you ask me why it wasn't amazing and i say it doesn't matter, that means end of conversation, don't keep bugging me for the reason i didn't have an awesome time, i won't tell you...for goodness sake...

and apparently 2 people in our group of friends will be dead in 20 years...at the moment i wish i would be dead within the next 20 weeks...currently i can't see me having a future and stress will kill me anyway...

yaye! in New York 11 hours late...but nevermind...i leave on Saturday to come home on Sunday...yaye! it feels like I've been away months...but yes must enjoy the minus degrees weather here...at least England will seem warm in comparison...

and today i found out another person i know has cancer...great way to end my year/start 2008...please God, make him recover?

so so homesick...can't wait to get home next sunday...and my weird dreams are getting weirder...there's always 3 people in them, me, one of my friends and vT and there's always a weird scenario and yeah they're freaking me out now...hmmmmmm

happy christmas guys =) hope you all have a fantabulous day =) it's almost over here but nevermind...t'has been good and now i'm a tomato...i miss my uncle though...

it's too hard...someone kidnap me and get me home again?

the panic attacks are back...GRRRRR and i've seen so many pics of the 6th form entertainment...i'm jealous...yup i'd give up my round the world holiday to do something for my school...i'm also incredibly homesick and it's getting harder...my uncle should have met us at the airport yesterday...and of course he wasn't there...it all came back again...i don't like it...

on the other hand happy christmas everyone...dunno when i'll next have internet...

this is blatantly my parents holiday and i'm just here because they couldn't leave me behind "becca what do you want to do?" "i don't know anything about what there is to do here" "ok then we're going here, here and here" "oh"

so there was me getting myself ready for new zealand and while walking round sydney today my mum just casually said "graham had an apartment in that building" thanks for that one...wasn't expecting that and now i'm falling again...and friday is getting closer...

we're going out tonight to meet my uncle's partner...yeah the people who organised my uncle's funeral were liars...it's getting fucking complicated now and i don't want to be told about anything but my mum still insists on doing it even though she complains when i tell her something about people and she goes "well so-and-so shouldn't have been told that, they're too young to be bothered by all this" well that's what she's doing to me now...arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

how are you allowed to say "arse" but not "faggot"...i can't believe they censored Fairy Tale of New York :O tis so not right...

and orange goes with a kinda tree green even less than it goes with my pale green t-shirt from yesterday...i should stop wearing green?

2 hours 42 mins until we go...i'm sure i've forgotten something...i'm shaking ridiculously...i miss everyone already and i didn't get up in time to get myself into school to see them this morning...i'm still not sure i want to go...i'll take photos at every opportunity...but i did find out last night we're flying from LA to NYC on American Airlines...worried much?

it's weird packing summer clothes...i'm still not wanting to go though...

why is "fuck off and die" all i can think about while my mother is talking to me?

mum told me i won't be going on holiday if i don't have anything in my suitcase...maybe i should just not pack then?

just knowing someone's there if you need them is a comfort...when they're not there the world seems different...

i'm back somewhere i'd never thought i'd go again...and i don't like it...i'm frightened...

i hate trying my hardest, getting something i want and then the parents(specifically one's mother) go and use that tone like "you can do this, but why the hell can't you do well at school?"...someone commented to me "you didn't sound as pleased" but that's because i don't know how to react to anything anymore...i do badly at school "nevermind" with that otne of "you could try harder" i do well at school "well done" with the forced tone of "i shouldn't be so happy about something so small" and then i spend 4 hours in gravesend in a pouring rain and i'm shattered and feel really ill and freezing "what do you want for dinner?" "i'm not that hungry, i don't..." "well suit yourself then" and *goes to medicine cupboard* "why are you in there?" "becasuse i don't feel well" "that's your fault" "i've been out in the rain for ages" "well get over it i used to have to walk in the rain..." for goodness sake...i just wanna cry and be hugged but there's no-one...

two things i learnt yesterday...

-there was Greek statue called Aprhodite of Knidos and when it used to be in it's little temple thingy, there were stories that men used to sneak in at night and have sex with the statue, not realising it was made of stone
-Cambridge Uni library has every book published in the country...and at the top of the tower is the pornography section...the tower does not look the best shape in the dark...

learnt at some point this week...

Catullus carmen 16 is always a good poem also...and sparrow is apparently a metaphor...hmmmm
i also have "erotic" "phallic" "sex" and a few other similar words written in my notes many times...oh dearie...

i don't know whether i enjoyed the classics course...it was a good experience, i learnt lots but i can't say i truly had fun...i know classics isn't meant to be uber fun but still...it's really confused me...maybe this is God's way of telling me that i shouldn't go to uni, that all i'll do is fail, that i should do something else...i don't know...

and i'm terrified about going on holiday...more so than i was going on this course...i don't know if i'm ready to go out there again...