so the other night i had this dream that i was hanging myself but as i fell i woke up...last night i had this dream again, but instead of waking up as i fell, i stood by watching myself hang, i didn't try to stop myself or anything like that, i literally just stood there...it's scary

so assmebly this morning made me think...i made two new year's resolutions and i've broken both already...so i'm making those two again, starting today and one more...how long will they last? well my third i hope will last as long as possible...

i spent yesterday thinking..."get chemistry exam over and done with and then the stress will go" ahahahahaha yeah right...deluding myself...more stressed having been reminded in a happy little convo with someone i haven't chatted to for a while that we have 4 months of school left...fuck...so not good...

message on the school wesbite:
"Year 13:
Welcome back. May 2008 bring you all that you wish for."

i wish for my uncle...but that's not gonna happen is it?

so i was reading something or other and remembered something from my holiday...
http://www.allabouthawkesbay.co.nz/index.php/News/Local-News/Earthquake-hits-Taupo-at-7.15am-Saturday.html
big fat earthquake with it's epicentre about 10 miles from where we were staying and it was felt all over the North Island...guess who didn't feel a bloody thing! *rolls eyes*

also funny story...flying to LA like 7 hours late (stupid Qantas) dad meets this guy on the plane that he used to work with years ago...they chat for like at least an hour until we start landing...we get to LA airport, queue forever to go through Customs while dad's friend manages to go straight through...we get to baggage reclaim and one of our suitcases is missing...like the suitcase with all our odd stuff in...but there's an identical left there with a name label on...turns out to be dad's mate and he's gone off with our case...absolute hell trying to get hold of him to swap the cases but eventually it is done and we then have to faff around trying to sort out of transfer flight to NYC...but seriously how weird is that?

yeah...*waffles*

i might not seem quite on the planet at the moment...i am but i'm not in the right place...my mind is in Leigh...a place that could have been my home...it's beautiful in winter...it's stunning in summer...1st january was the last time i'll ever go there...i don't know how much longer i can stay strong...i have no real purpose anymore...

is it really worth all this trouble when it's going to get worse and i'm never going to get anywhere...?

*wakes up*"dad have you been shopping?"
"no...should i have been?"
"mum left you a list"
"it said nothing about shopping tonight"
"but dad i need some dinner and lunch tomorrow!"
"no-one tells me anything in this house"*grumbles*
*hides under duvet*

...later...
*dad looks at list* "well you don't need that"
"i do for my lunch"
"and i'm not getting you any chocolate, you can *indistinct word* that idea. what does this say?"
"caffeinated coffee"
"don't you mean decaf?"
"no that's what the cupboard's full of i want some caffeine"
"grrrr"

and he's finally gone shopping, but i just got up and my legs completely collapsed...that's apparently what happens when becca doesn't eat anything for 48 hours...

ask me about my holiday, that's fine. when i tell you it was crap/alright and you ask me why it wasn't amazing and i say it doesn't matter, that means end of conversation, don't keep bugging me for the reason i didn't have an awesome time, i won't tell you...for goodness sake...

and apparently 2 people in our group of friends will be dead in 20 years...at the moment i wish i would be dead within the next 20 weeks...currently i can't see me having a future and stress will kill me anyway...

yaye! in New York 11 hours late...but nevermind...i leave on Saturday to come home on Sunday...yaye! it feels like I've been away months...but yes must enjoy the minus degrees weather here...at least England will seem warm in comparison...

and today i found out another person i know has cancer...great way to end my year/start 2008...please God, make him recover?

so so homesick...can't wait to get home next sunday...and my weird dreams are getting weirder...there's always 3 people in them, me, one of my friends and vT and there's always a weird scenario and yeah they're freaking me out now...hmmmmmm

happy christmas guys =) hope you all have a fantabulous day =) it's almost over here but nevermind...t'has been good and now i'm a tomato...i miss my uncle though...

it's too hard...someone kidnap me and get me home again?

the panic attacks are back...GRRRRR and i've seen so many pics of the 6th form entertainment...i'm jealous...yup i'd give up my round the world holiday to do something for my school...i'm also incredibly homesick and it's getting harder...my uncle should have met us at the airport yesterday...and of course he wasn't there...it all came back again...i don't like it...

on the other hand happy christmas everyone...dunno when i'll next have internet...

this is blatantly my parents holiday and i'm just here because they couldn't leave me behind "becca what do you want to do?" "i don't know anything about what there is to do here" "ok then we're going here, here and here" "oh"

so there was me getting myself ready for new zealand and while walking round sydney today my mum just casually said "graham had an apartment in that building" thanks for that one...wasn't expecting that and now i'm falling again...and friday is getting closer...

we're going out tonight to meet my uncle's partner...yeah the people who organised my uncle's funeral were liars...it's getting fucking complicated now and i don't want to be told about anything but my mum still insists on doing it even though she complains when i tell her something about people and she goes "well so-and-so shouldn't have been told that, they're too young to be bothered by all this" well that's what she's doing to me now...arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

how are you allowed to say "arse" but not "faggot"...i can't believe they censored Fairy Tale of New York :O tis so not right...

and orange goes with a kinda tree green even less than it goes with my pale green t-shirt from yesterday...i should stop wearing green?

2 hours 42 mins until we go...i'm sure i've forgotten something...i'm shaking ridiculously...i miss everyone already and i didn't get up in time to get myself into school to see them this morning...i'm still not sure i want to go...i'll take photos at every opportunity...but i did find out last night we're flying from LA to NYC on American Airlines...worried much?

it's weird packing summer clothes...i'm still not wanting to go though...

why is "fuck off and die" all i can think about while my mother is talking to me?

mum told me i won't be going on holiday if i don't have anything in my suitcase...maybe i should just not pack then?