all day i've been kept going by one thought of getting to see my friend tonight...30 minutes before we're due to meet she cancels...alright she's ill but still...nothing keeping me going for today now...

ok tis maybe not a caffiene withdrawal headache...tis too bad for that and coffee isn't solving it...someone please remove my head? or just get me out of here from my parents...?

me: please don't put butter in my roll
mother: sorry i've already done it
me: but i don't like it
mother: well the majority of the general public like it and so do i
me: i'm not the general public (to self: i'm your bloody daughter!)

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

eurgh...coffee withdrawal headaches...*must have coffee*...

The Invitation

"It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, 'Yes.'
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments."

this actually makes me smile loads...but makes me cry too

i don't do well with emergencies...5-6 hours on and i'm still shaking about it...

it's days like today that just make everything more bearable for a few hours =)

today is a day for missing people...

"please don't wash my mug up, i'm going to have more coffee"
"don't you mean my mug?"
"it was the mug that i happened to get to first in the cupboard"
"well it's still my mug"
"well you use my muugs sometimes"
"that's different"

how on earth is that different? argh...stupid mother...

i wish there would be someone here to hug me when everything goes wrong...

you know you're screwed when you get:
"Rebecca
Please come and see me. I think we need to chat. I am around
early tomorrow morning.
Best wishes"
from your year head...
oh dearie

my parents are giving each other the silent treatment over a coke bottle...bloody hell...

it's nice to catch up with those you haven't seen in a while...=)

surely the fact that i've stopped talking and i'm trying not to cry suggests that i don't want to discuss it any further...stop dictating my life and shut up!

so i kinda pissed off this guy i like...ooooooops

*sings cheerfully* "sunshine, lollipops and rainbows everything thats wonderful is what I feel when we're together" i was enjoying this song playing in my head until my brain suddenly kicked in with "monkey, monkey monkey" grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr i don't want to go back to school this evening =(

so yeah...today's been entertaining...maybe that's not quite the word...t'has consisted of columns, blagging our way into closed palces, columns, reading "random books", being caught reading "random books", columns, photo taking, columns, shouting at year 7s, laughing at me about a guy I like, columns, various friends(no names! =P) getting me into trouble, failing to blag our way into fun places, columns and general laughs...it's not been bad really =)

i must also confess i did just have to look up the meaning of philistine...uh-oh

according to one of my old English teachers I'm a philistine for hating Wuthering Heights...oh dearie...

it really annoys me when i'm like the only person on a forum who doesn't believe that there's life somewhere else i nthe universe and people all comment saying "since WE ALL agree there's something out there" i'm sorry but i don't agree, but you don't seem to care...hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

it's so hard...the people who sorted my uncle's funeral and stuff are desperate for me and my cousin to go back to new zealand to visit them...i want to go and see them, but my cousin would never go and my parents won't let me...it's so hard to say "no" to them though...i miss them in a strange way even if they are liars...

so the other night i had this dream that i was hanging myself but as i fell i woke up...last night i had this dream again, but instead of waking up as i fell, i stood by watching myself hang, i didn't try to stop myself or anything like that, i literally just stood there...it's scary