the scariest thing i've learnt over the last week was thanks to my nana...she asked me "what was the best bit about your holiday at Christmas?" then it hit me...i have no memory for those three weeks I was away...I''m serious it's just a mess of place names and pictures i've remembered from the photos I took...it's so scarey...i've been somewhere others only dream to go and i have no memories because i was too self-absorbed and worrying about it being empty to care that I went to some extraordinary places...how fucking awful is that? what have i done to myself?
in case you care the answer to my nana was "all of it" because i can't distinguish one bit from another...
and the sleepless nights, uncontrollable shaking, weird dreams and everything else that goes with my life have returned...als
i knew i shouldn't have let it happen...i let my guard down...i was safer with the wall around me...at the time it seemed fine...now i know i should have kept my barrier there...it took me four years to build and less than an hour to break down...here we go again...i've learnt from this mistake...neve
i want to write something here but i can't put what i want to say in words...all my friends are owed hugs though i know that much...
what's happening to me? i can't even notice a simple change in questions, i burst into tears when people laugh, i feel compelled to tell everyone that there's soemthing wrong but i can't tell the people who would actually give a fuck, nothing seems fun anymore, i've never crashed from happiness so quickly, i can't sleep properly, the smallest thigns are stressing me out, i can't find the motivation to do anything, reading the Bible no longer makes me realise everything's normal, i fear tomorrow and what might go wrong, i fear that even writing this will change how tomorrow turns out, i hate everything that happened yesterday, the fact this week is halfterm scares the life out of me as there's no one around to pick me up again, cuts aren't making me feel better, i sat there on Thursday afternoon wanting to hug the person I was with wondering if I'd ever get a time like that agin...the excitement and anticipation, i have a desire to throw everything at everyone, i'm touching my scarf wondering if it'll take my weight...i'm falling apart slowly and i'm terrified...
http://news.bb
thank goodness we only have a few months left...althoug
and this is my second most favourite poem. "Suicide in the Trenches" by Siegfried Sassoon...i'm a bit in love with war poetry...it just seems so perfect...
I knew a simple soldier boy
Who grinned at life in empty joy,
Slept soundly through the lonesome dark,
And whistled early with the lark.
In winter trenches, cowed and glum,
With crumps and lice and lack of rum,
He put a bullet through his brain.
No one spoke of him again.
You smug-faced crowds with kindling eye
Who cheer when soldier lads march by,
Sneak home and pray you’ll never know
The hell where youth and laughter go.
This poem is called "dulce and decorum est" and it's by Wilfred Owen...why are people so shocked when i say it's my most favourite poem...?
Bent double, like old beggars under sacks,
Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge,
Till on the haunting flares we turned our backs
And towards our distant rest began to trudge.
Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots
But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame; all blind;
Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots
Of tired, outstripped Five-Nines that dropped behind.
GAS! Gas! Quick, boys!-- An ecstasy of fumbling,
Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time;
But someone still was yelling out and stumbling
And floundering like a man in fire or lime.--
Dim, through the misty panes and thick green light
As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.
In all my dreams, before my helpless sight,
He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.
If in some smothering dreams you too could pace
Behind the wagon that we flung him in,
And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
His hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin;
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupte
Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,--
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To children ardent for some desperate glory,
The old Lie: Dulce et decorum est
Pro patria mori.
i didn't realise i could fall so quickly...it's been less than an hour and i'm already near the bottom...
http://news.bb
that train was the one i was waiting for...oh crap...
my stress level no longer fits on any scale...becaus
the christmas entertainment dvd made me cry...oh dear...
chemistry practicals are the worst thing ever and need to die...argh...i
so far today, i've:
-been driving all the way to Maidstone and round the one-way system without messing up =)
-baked 24 little cakes and i'm about to ice them with various different icing flavours/colou
-cooked lunch/dinner for mum =)
the baking of cakes was to reward me for driving well and the making of dinner was to reward myself for doing almost all of my homework(except stupid class civ context questions) yaye! go me! try not to ruin my cheery-ness? i'll be falling tomorrow...esp
UPDATE: don't worry about ruining my cheery-ness...
i knew my dad was insensitive but not to this extent...
Jason and the Argonauts...th
whaaaaaaaaaaaa
i'm sure my parents keep buying me diet coke so i get caffiene without drinking coffee...becau
in my dreams in the last couple of months i've...
-been in the middle of a war
-arrested for not having my mum with me
-been in a family of suspected bombers
what do we reckon is next? or anyone want my dreams instead?
it took me so long to say...i'm glad i've said it but i still can't help/stop it...i hate sitting being useless even if that's what i'm meant to do...my life and world can't be right, not yet...
eurgh...stupid itching legs...must...